Better Living!

DATELINE: BENTONVILLE, AR— This week, beloved and revered retailer Walmart announced it's slashing 7,000 positions in its payroll and invoicing departments.

The company plans to replace the ousted employees with accounting and inventory software. Although 7,000 sounds like a lot, it's less than one percent of Walmart's 1.5 million American employees, which I'm sure will be a comfort to those affected by the plan.

Walmart spokesman Deisha Galberth said the program is a step forward in modernizing the corporation's accounting process, and the new automated software is "quicker, safer and more secure." 

"There are roles for all of these folks and we are aiming to have everyone transition into those roles wherever possible," said Galberth as she mashed two completely opposing statements into one nonsensical sentence. Apparently the affected employees have nothing to worry about, as there are currently some 7,000 unfilled positions in the corporation.

Naturally, the accounting and inventory software is Made In America, so it all evens out in the end.