Saturday, July 22, 2023

Snow White And The Seven "Magical Creatures"

Last year Disney announced they were pumping out yet another entry in their seemingly endless series of dreadful live action remakes. This time it was Snow White— the film that pretty much kicked off the entire studio!

Like most of their recent remakes, this one appeared to be more concerned with diversity and inclusion than story, as it would feature a Latina actress in the titular role. I know better than to even attempt to tiptoe through that particularly deadly minefield, so let's just ignore that and move on to the bigger topic at hand— the seven dwarfs.

Apparently actor Peter Dinklage— who's apparently now the self-appointed leader of the entire dwarf community— wasn't thrilled with this news. On the Mark Maron podcast he stated: 

"Take a step back and look at what you’re doing there. It makes no sense to me. You’re progressive in one way, but you’re still making that fucking backward story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together. Have I done nothing to advance the cause from my soapbox? I guess I’m not loud enough.”


Oh, trust me, Pete, you're definitely loud enough!

What the hell's he talking about here? The Snow White dwarfs didn't live in a cave. They lived in a lovely little cottage nestled deep in the woods! They marched to work every morning in a mine, which he apparently somehow mistook for a cave.

Dinklage is also confused about the nature of the dwarfs in the story. We're talking fantasy dwarfs here. They're a race of diminutive people who are all supposed to be small (think Gimli from The Lord Of The Rings). They're not humans with defective genes like him. 

As such, there's nothing the least bit offensive about the dwarfs in Snow White or other fairy tales.

Apparently Dinklage is one of the most powerful people in all of Hollywood. Immediately after his angry screed, Disney bent the knee to him and announced they were nixing the dwarfs from this new remake, and replacing them with a troupe of "magical creatures."

What the hell did that mean? Would their troupe now consist of seven unicorns? Centaurs? Dragons? A mix of them all?

Welp, this week we finally got our answer. Behold, here's our first look at Snow White with her band of magical creatures!

You have got to be shitting me here...

Jaysis, this looks like a bunch of rejects from the world's lamest Ren Faire. Or a particularly inept community theater. Seriously, I've seen comic con cosplayers with more professional looking costumes than this.

In addition to looking cheap and amateurish, none of them look particularly magical either.

And I can't help but notice that there still appears to be a dwarf on this little team. So... I guess seven dwarfs is somehow offensive, but one's perfectly OK? Does seven exceed some secret dwarf quota I don't know about? I honestly don't get it.

Also, I absolutely guarantee that Disney's gonna change ALL the names of these exciting new characters. The original dwarfs names would no doubt be far too triggering for modern audiences. Some, like Dopey and Grumpy, would be considered reductive. Others, like Sleepy and Bashful, would be offensive to people with sleep disorders or social anxiety. 

Let's take a look at 'em and figure out what new names Disney's gonna give 'em. From back to front we have Wish.com Jesus, Tokeena, Diversity Hire-O, Robert Baratheron, Discount Alan Tudyk, Dollar Store Lenny Kravitz and Not-Dinklage.

Well done, Disney! I can tell right now you've got another billion dollar blockbuster on your hands!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.