Creepy Christmas Classics #3: Santa Baby

Hey, it's Christmas Carol time again! Everywhere you go this month, you'll hear all those beloved carols you've heard ten thousand times before, whether you want to or not. Oftentimes I wonder how some of these songs ever became classics. My theory is that the public has heard them so many times that the lyrics have been rendered meaningless. If anyone actually sat down and listened to them, half of these so-called "classics" would be stricken from the list.

Case in point: Santa Baby. Can someone please explain why this is a beloved holiday classic? It's an admittedly catchy tune, but with a wildly inappropriate undercurrent. It's nothing more than a song about a shallow gold-digger asking Santa for an appalling array of big ticket items, which she expects to receive because she's been "good." And of course, "good" in this context means, "managed to keep this year's number of sexual partners in the single digits."

Let's examine the lyrics, shall we?

Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;

Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue;

I'll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed;

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed;
Next year I could be just as good... 

if you check off my Christmas list

Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot;

Been an angel all year; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, one little thing that I really do need...

The deed... to a platinum mine, Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with the duplex and checks;

Sign your 'X' on the line, Santa cutie,
and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree 

with some decorations bought at Tiffany's;
I really do believe in you;
Let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing... A ring...

I don't mean on the phone; Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry, tonight!

What a horrible song for the holidays. It would be bad enough if the avaricious broad in the song asked Santa for jewelry and furs, but she goes way off the deep end and asks for cars, yachts and even real estate.

If that wasn't enough, Santa Baby is always sung in a "cutesy" Betty Boop type of voice (there's even a "boo doo bee doo" line!), which registers pretty high on the Creep-O-Meter. It's also sometimes sung in a sultry, breathy Marilyn Monroe tone. A Christmas carol sung by a pouty woman-child or a voluptuous sexpot just seems wrong.

Oh, but we're not done! Our high-maintenance heroine doesn't just recite her shallow list of high-priced gifts to Santa. The whole song heavily implies that she'll be waiting for Santa in her boudoir, ready to offer him a fleshy reward if he comes through with the loot. What a lovely message for the holidays.

The song was originally record by Eartha Kitt in 1953, and was a huge hit for her. Other singers who've covered the tune: Madonna, RuPaul (!), Everclear (!!) and Mae West. Yes, when Madonna and RuPaul want to record your song, how can it be anything but an appropriate Christmas carol?