Wheel Unfortunate

This week, perennial game show host Pat Sajak admitted that he's occasionally hosted TVs Wheel of Fortune while drunk.

Dear God, who could blame him?

I feel like I'd need to get hammered just to watch an entire episode of that show. How he's managed to bear hosting it week in and week out for the past 30 years is beyond my comprehension. I honestly cannot conceive of a worse hell. If anything he deserves the country's utmost pity and compassion.

Think about the amount of pure willpower it must take him to force his feet to shuffle into that studio once a week for three decades. Imagine the sheer inner strength he has to muster in order to feign interest in whether a soccer mom from Sheboygan wins or loses. Try to imagine how grating it has to be for him to hear the phrase, "I'd like to buy a vowel" for the 100,000th time. Think of the seething, red hot fury that must build inside him when a mouth-breathing contestant can't guess a puzzle like "CATS AND D_GS."

How this man has kept from climbing to the top of a clock tower with a high powered rifle and going on a shooting spree, I have no idea.

Some may say he has one of the best jobs in the world. He works one day a week and is no doubt a millionaire many times over. There are some things though that just aren't worth any amount of money.

I can't fathom what abominable sin could he could possibly have committed to deserve such a curse. Just remember as you go to bed tonight, thank whatever deity you may worship that you weren't born Mr. Pat Sajak.