This Week In Ideas That Need Quashed With Extreme Prejudice

This week Disney released their 1989 feature The Little Mermaid to theaters nationwide for at least the third time. But in a surprising and innovative move sure to win the hearts of cinephiles everywhere, this time Disney executives are actively encouraging viewers to bring their iPads into the theater in order to interact with the film.

Called Disney Second Screen Live, it's a special app designed by Disney to let viewers interact with the movie, as it's playing. Once loaded onto your tablet or smart phone the app will lead audience members in sing-alongs with the film soundtrack, allow them to play games based on events in the film, provide behind the scenes info and even let you electronically interact with fellow movie-goers! All this in the comfort of the theater during the film!

This sounds like a delightful idea to me. Why should you be restricted to diddling with your brightly lit, blooping and bleeping electronic device in the privacy of your living room when you can do so along with hundreds of fellow theater-goers? And the sound of dozens of tiny off-key voices belting out mis-heard lyrics to the film's songs are sure to melt the heart of even the grumpiest curmudgeon. Yes indeed, this is an idea that's long overdue.

But this seems like just the tip of the iceberg to me. Why limit this idea to electronic devices only? Why not embrace all types of activities in the movie theater? 

For example:
 
• Between work, running a home and caring for the family, these days Mom's time is limited. So why shouldn't she take advantage of the hours spent in the theater watching a 24 year old kid's movie? Bring in a card table, set it up in the aisle and fold your laundry during the film. Remember, only sort the black socks during the daylight scenes!

• Still trying to learn to play the trombone? The theater is the perfect place to improve your skills! Why not bring in your instrument and practice your scales, or even attempt to clumsily play along with the soundtrack? Your fellow patrons will be clapping in time with you before you know it!
 
• Say ladies, do you love scrap booking but never seem to have the time to do it anymore? Bring your scrap book, photos, pinking shears and all your supplies into the theater! A small desk lamp (with a two hundred foot extension cord twisting across the pitch black theater floor) shouldn't bother viewers too much and will provide much needed illumination as you complete that page commemorating little Aiden's first goal in soccer!

• Moms aren't the only ones who're busy these days. Dads have constant demands on their time as well. Why sit bored out of your mind through a movie your kids have already seen on home video several hundred times when you could bring in your lawnmower and finally tune up that pesky, sputtering engine?

• Calling all musicians! Bell ringing is the latest fad sweeping the nation! Why not get in on the craze and practice your bell ringing skills during the film?

• Looking for a part time job to help make ends meet? Who isn't these days? There's big money to be made in the fast growing field of Nautical Signal Flagging! Feel free to bring in your flags and practice your signaling during the film. If you're really bold you can even stand in front of the screen and encourage your fellow viewers to shout out the messages you're trying to spell out!

• Why just amuse yourself during the film? Why not engage the entire audience? Encourage your fellow moviegoers to join you in a rousing, show-stopping Riverdance! Once the sensation of the 1990s, it's primed to make a comeback!

• Theater food is expensive! Why pay for overpriced drinks and popcorn when you can cook your own delicious food? Bring in your charcoal or gas grill, set it up at the foot of the screen and have your own indoor cookout! I'll have my steak well done please!

• Even the most exciting films have occasional slow spots in the plot. Why not liven up those lulls with a spectacular indoor fireworks display? The audience will be oohing and ahhing in no time.

• Bored by the film? Forgot to bring any of the above items? Amuse yourself by simply bouncing a ball against the wall of the theater, over and over and over for an hour and a half.

Right now only sixteen theaters nationwide are participating in the Disney Second Screen Live program. No doubt once audiences find out how much fun it is, it'll spread like wildfire into every theater across the country! "Under The Sea?" More like "All Over The World!"