Heart BURN!

This is a standard pizza. It's delicious, but most of all it's round, as nature intended.

Earlier this week, I saw many eateries in town advertising special heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine's Day, the world's most useless holiday.

I assume these heart-shaped pizzas are supposed to be romantic or some crap like that. Don't be tempted by this scam, no matter how much you think your significant other might enjoy it! Because make no mistake— heart-shaped pizzas ARE a scam!

Allow me to illustrate. Here is a heart-shaped pizza, helpfully colored solid white, superimposed on a round pizza of the same width. Can you believe it? Look at how much less pizza you get when the restaurant carves it into a heart shape!

Even worse, they usually charge a few dollars more for these crimes against nature! You're paying more money for less pizza, just so your sweetie will look at it and say, "Awww!"

Pizza parlors know exactly what they're doing here, and are banking on the fact that you flunked high school geometry. Don't fall for their scam!

It would not surprise me if before long, the nation's pizza parlors try selling the public on donut-shaped pizzas! Half the pizza for twice the dough! Get it? Dough?