Red Letter Day

If you're one of those people whose Economic Stimulus Check is being mailed to your home, have I got good news for you! In addition to the check, you'll also be receiving a personalized letter from the Embarrassment-In-Chief, donald j. trump. 

In the letter, he proudly boasts— in no uncertain terms— about the fact that he's sending you money to tide you over until the nationwide lockdown is over. Of course he left out the part where he wouldn't need to send out checks to everyone if he'd done his goddamned job properly in the first place, but that's a story for another day.

Regardless of the reason for the letter, I'm sure many citizens will be happy to receive it. It'll be a godsend to those who still can't find toilet paper in their local groceries.