Sunday, January 4, 2015

Spring Blog Cleaning!

It's a brand new year, so what better time to clean out everyone's in-boxes here in the Bob Canada's BlogWorld offices?

Last week the wall of a Morton Salt storage facility in Chicago collapsed, burying several cars in a salty avalanche.

I guarantee you that every single newspaper in the country used the slogan, "When it rains, it pours" when covering this story. They wouldn't be able to resist.

By the way, next time you're salting your wife's bland mashed potatoes at dinner, try not to think about the fact that Morton apparently stores its salt in a big open pile that's leaning against a dirty brick wall in their warehouse. Yum!

I'm guessing that whoever registered this web address didn't think things through. 

People, people! How many times do I have to tell you to run your URLs past a junior high school student before you put them on the web for everyone to see? If they giggle uncontrollably at your web address, think about changing it.

A few weeks ago the South Dakota Office Of Highway Safety (Raunchy Slogan Division) ran this ad.

In the ad, an ominous narrator intones, "Resist the urge to jerk the steering wheel. Over-correcting only creates more chaos. Besides, nobody like a jerker." Indeed.

The ad was supposed to call attention to the dangerous scourge of "Jerking," which is the act of over-correcting when your car starts to skid on icy roads. The provocative theme was supposedly intentional, meant to appeal to young male drivers. That's the Office's official story anyway.

Uh-huh. I ain't buying it. I've lived in the Midwest my entire life, and I've never once in all my years heard refer to that as "jerking." 

It sounds less like an earnest appeal for public safety and more like the antics of a copy writer who was trying to get fired to me.

You never know just what sights you're going to see on Evansville's scenic Greenway Trail!

You know how it is. You're walking along the Trail, enjoying the outdoors and sunshine, when suddenly you're overcome with the urge to rid yourself of all that unwanted body hair. What better place to strip off your clothes and shave yourself smooth than an underpass on a public trail?

Saw this as I was coming into work one morning. Ooh, so close, guys! 

My apologies to any readers with OCD, who are going crazy right about now looking at this photo and sweating.

Last month the Movoto Real Estate Blog, which is apparently a thing, voted my hometown of Evansville, Indiana the Sexiest City in America!

Sexiest? Not from where I'm sitting. Maybe if you're into morbidly obese citizens dressed in their finest stained sweatpants, then yes, this would be a veritable Mecca. If you're looking for fresh-faced, wholesome men and women who ooze natural sex appeal from every pore, then brother are you out of luck.

Before everyone begins celebrating though, it might be a good idea to dig a little deeper into the article. A cursory glance says it's not actually saying Evansville is full of sexy people with ample booties and perfect pecs. Instead it's measuring things like:

• Night life per capita
• Lingerie stores per capita
• Adult stores and entertainment per capita
• Massage parlors per capita
• Average summer temperature (the hotter the temps, the fewer clothes people wear)

Ah. That makes more sense then. It's nothing more than a filth index. Evansville is filthiest, raunchiest and most lascivious cityin America, not meant for normal, god-fearing, decent people. Duly noted.

Now about that photo above depicting the allegedly sexy Evansvillilians-- that ain't Evansville!

That photo was in fact taken at Garden Of The Gods, a park located in Southern Illinois, located about seventy miles from Evansville. Good job, guys!

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