The Walking Dead Season 8, Episode 12: The Key

This week on a fair to middling The Walking Dead, we get the long-awaited confrontation between Rick and Negan, we're introduced to yet another bizarre group of weirdos who aren't in the comic, and the writers manage to save the whole thing with a startling twist at the end. In other words, a typical episode.

The Rick/Negan scene was somewhat satisfying, as their showdown has been brewing for months. While it was great to see them facing off physically, I can't help but think their match was ill-timed. There're still four more episodes to go in the season! Why the hell are they giving us their beat down now? Unless this is just an apertif, and the actual meal's yet to come?

The actual battle was quite interesting, as we got to see Negan on the defensive for a change. Surprisingly all his power seems to derive from his beloved baseball bat Lucille, leaving him all but helpless without it. Fascinating.

This episode may also give us a hint as to where the series is going after the end of the current All Out War storyline. The introduction of brand new character Georgie this week may be an indicator that the series is fixing to veer FAR away from the source material. 

As always, that seems like a really bad idea to me. The show's at its best when it sticks close to the comic. When it diverges is when things start to get wonky. Don't believe me? Welp, the awful Grady Bunch storyline wasn't in the comic, and neither were the detestable and downright baffling Garbage Pail Kids. I rest my case. 

Sadly, The Key also seems to be setting up Simon's ultimate fate, which is likely going to involve his departure from the series. That's too bad, as I like Simon and actor Steven Ogg, and it'll be a shame to see him go. 

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
After saving the Alexandrians last week, Dwight's now unwillingly back with the Saviors. Negan pays him a visit, and asks what happened. Dwight lies and says he killed the Alexandrians and then wandered through the woods until he was found by the Saviors. Negan seems suspicious, but congratulates him on a job well done. He tells him to suit up, as there's still more work to do.

Outside the Sanctuary, Negan and the Saviors are gearing up for war with the Hilltop. Simon tells the troops to shoot to maim. That way their tainted ammo will infect the Hilltopians and turn them into walkers. Dwight tries to sneak away during the speech, but Simon sees him and insists he ride with him.

Negan dips his bat Lucille in a bucket of walker blood (again) and gets in his black Charger. The caravan rolls out, as Negan stupidly brings up the rear for lazy writing reasons.

Rick & Michonne enter the Hilltop (which they already did last week— goddamned convoluted timeline!). They're greeted by Maggie, Enid and Jerry. A Hilltopian brings Judith to Rick, and he carries her around for a few minutes before pawning her off on someone again. Rick notices the Savior prisoners in Maggie's makeshift jail.

Later Rick kneels over Glenn's grave. Daryl joins him and they have a chat about all the people they've lost. Daryl apologizes for going off book and attacking the Sanctuary, saying he just wanted it to be over. Rick, who's obviously learned absolutely nothing from Carl's death, says Daryl's right, and they need to end the conflict once and for all.

Some time later, Maggie watches Rick drive off in a truck. She then spots something in the distance— a small green crate with a flag sticking out of it, sitting in the brush.

Back in the Savior convoy, Simon and Dwight chat. Simon's fed up with Negan for wasting so much time, ammo and personnel trying to wipe out Rick's people. He thinks they should cut their losses and run, and wants Dwight's thoughts on the matter. Dwight says he's not paid to think, refusing to be dragged down with Simon.

Back at the Hilltop, Maggie, Rosita, Enid and Michonne (GIRL POWER!) cautiously check out the crate. They find a note attached that reads, "If you fill the crates with food or phonograph records, I will gladly exchange them for a key to your future." It then lists coordinates for a meeting spot.

Maggie suspects a trap, and Enid agrees. Michonne says it's not the Saviors' style, and believes it's someone who genuinely wants to help. She and Rosita think they should meet their mystery benefactor.

Meanwhile, Rick parks his truck at the top of a hill and waits. He sees the Saviors go by, and notices Negan driving alone at the end of the procession. He hops in his truck and roars after them. The Saviors drive slowly through a deserted city. Suddenly Rick flies out of an alley and rams into Negan's car! Negan recovers and roars off, as Rick chases after him.

Simon sees Negan get hit, and realizes this is his chance. He orders the caravan to stop, and tells the Saviors that Negan's been attacked. They all want to rush to his aid, but Simon says (heh) it could be a trap to separate the convoy, and they should all stay put. He tells them that Negan's a big boy and can take care of himself. Amazingly the other Saviors listen, and stay put.

Cut to Negan's car lying on its side, and Rick's truck smashed into a pole. I guess there wasn't enough money in the budget to film the crash? Negan crawls out of the wreckage, just as Rick staggers from his ruined truck. Rick wildly fires a machine gun at Negan, somehow completely missing him. Negan ducks into a nearby building, and Rick follows. The two then have a long, drawn out battle inside the dark, dusty building.

Rick throws his trusty axe at Negan, who ducks, loses his balance and ends up hanging from a stair landing. Rick walks up the steps, retrieves his axe and faces the now helpless Negan. He swings the axe at Negan's hands. Negan lets go of the landing at the last second, and plunges down the stairwell into the basement.

Elsewhere, Maggie, Michonne, Rosita and Enid arrive at the coordinates. They see a single van parked in the road, flanked by two tall, thin women named Hilda and Midge. Jesus Christ, not another weird-ass group on this show! A middle-aged woman in a white pantsuit emerges from the van and introduces herself as Georgie. She reiterates that she has vital knowledge for them, in exchange for food and records, and assures them it's not a trick. Maggie doesn't believe her, and for no good reason takes Georgie and her guards back to the Hilltop.

Back in the building, Rick searches the basement for Negan. Rick taunts him, saying his people aren't coming this time and he's gonna die alone in the dark. Negan fumbles around, searching for his precious Lucille. He tells Rick he'll make him a deal— stop being a prick and end the war, and he'll lower his tribute demand from 50% to 20%. Wow, what a bargain!

Rick says he doesn't trust anything Negan says, especially after he slaughtered all the Garbage Pail Kids. Negan's stunned at this revelation, as he never ordered such a thing. He realizes Simon betrayed him, and took it upon himself to kill the group. Just then Rick looks down and finds Lucille.

Meanwhile, Simon and Dwight halfheartedly search for Negan. Simon finally gets Dwight to admit he's thought about killing Negan from time to time. They find his wrecked car, but can't tell if he walked away alive... or dead. Simon says (heh) this is their one and only chance to overthrow Negan. Dwight nods, signalling he's on board.

Cut to the Hilltop, where Georgie and her guards cool their heels while Maggie and the others debate what to do with them. Maggie wants to just take the supplies from Georgie and toss her out. Michonne reminds her that Carl died rescuing Siddiq, who turned out to be a doctor. She says they owe it to Carl to give Georgie the same chance to prove herself.

Rick notices a barricaded door labeled "Eaters." He sets Lucille on fire and uses her to break open the door. Dozens of moldy walkers pour out, and Rick sets several on fire with the flaming bat. Negan sees Lucille burning and freaks out. He lunges at Rick, desperate to get his beloved weapon back. The two grapple for a minute, and eventually Negan flees— with Lucille.

Rick battles a horde of burning zombies and finally escapes the building. Unfortunately Negan's long gone.

At the Hilltop, Maggie gives Georgie a crate full of old records. Georgie thanks her, and gives her all their food, saying it looks like the Hilltopians need it more than her people. She then gives Maggie a thick book she wrote title A Key To A Future. She says it's filled with ancient farming, blacksmithing and survival knowledge. Georgie then says she's going away, and may not be back for a while (?). Maggie thanks her for the food and the book.

Simon and Dwight return to the Saviors. They say they found Negan's bloody-splattered car, but no body. The Saviors look stricken and worried, until Simon asks them, "Who are you?" They all reply "Negan." He says it doesn't matter if Negan's alive or dead— they're going to finish their mission and wipe out the Hilltop.

Cut to an unconscious Negan riding in the passenger seat of a car. He wakes up, unsure of where he is. He looks over and sees Jadis driving the car, as she hold a gun to his head.

Thoughts:

• Last week I noted that when the Hilltopians found out about Carl's death, the soundtrack played a distinctive tinkly, descending piano riff. I said it sounded incredibly similar to the Bella's Lullaby theme from the Twilight movies. 

They use the same theme again this week, mostly in any scene involving the Saviors. I guess because it sounds foreboding and ominous?

And yes, I'm still embarassed that I'm able to recognize music from Twilight.

• Jesus Christ, again with the faces montages!

This has been a running theme all through Season 8, as we've been periodically treated to a series of extreme closeups of the main cast members, accompanied by dark, brooding music.

It started earlier this season in The Damned, as we got a series of closeups of Rick, Daryl, Carol and Morgan.

The closeups returned a few episodes later in How It's Gotta Be, as Rick, Carl, Carol & Maggie (among others) were spotlighted. Some of these closeups seemed like they were even more extreme than the first batch.

Which brings us to The Key. It begins with a montage of even MORE extreme and off-putting closeups of Negan, Simon and Dwight. And when I say closeups, I do mean CLOSE UPS. I honestly don't think the camera could get any closer to them without touching their faces.

I'm looking forward to next week, when the cameraman uses a macro lens to get even closer, giving us a good look at the pores on Rick's face.

• When Rick arrives at the Hilltop, a woman rushes up and practically shoves Judith into his arms. I can't say I blame her. It's definitely taking a village to raise this kid, as by now virtually everyone on the show's been forced to take care of her. Everyone except Rick, that is. 

At this point he's all but forgotten he even has a daughter, as he's too busy making everyone's lives worse than they already are.

• Last week in Dead Or Alive Or, Negan came up with the bright idea of soaking all Savior weapons in walker gore. That way even a glancing blow would infect the Hilltopians and turn them into walkers.

This week we get to see them coat their weapons all over again, I guess to remind the audience of the plan. For some reason, Negan places his beloved baseball bat Lucille in a large bucket of festering zombie guts, and then sits it in the passenger seat of his car as he drives off toward the Hilltop! Brilliant!

He just got done telling his people (twice!) how dangerous and toxic this blood is. What happens if this bucket o' blood starts sloshing around and splashes on him? Sure enough, in just a few minutes his car's gonna get turned on its side, and whaddya know? The bucket tilts over and turns the entire interior red!

• The idea that Negan would drive alone at the tail end of his little caravan is beyond ridiculous. He's the goddamned leader of the Saviors! Would they really let him bring up the rear of the convoy (No. The answer's no)? 

Anyone with even a couple of functioning brain cells knows you put your leader in the center of the line! That way the cars in front and back of the caravan can protect the boss. Jesus!

This was some extremely lazy writing, as the show needed an easy way for Negan to be separated from the others so he and Rick could have their little hand-to-hand fight. Surely there was a less obvious way to go about this though.

And another thing— Rick was perched on a hill just watching for the Saviors to pass. There's no way he could have known Negan would be stupid enough to drive in back. Was he planning on ramming his car even if he was in the middle of the line? Was Rick really intending to sacrifice himself to kill Negan?

Or was Rick just observing, and when he saw Negan at the end of the line he couldn't believe his good luck and decided to attack him?

• After the car crash, Negan and Rick duck into the Lewis Medical Supplies building.

I'd have paid good money if the dislodged sign had read "Uneeda Medical Supply!"

• Rick fires several thousand machine gun rounds at the fleeing Negan, but of course completely misses him with every one.

I guess we're to believe that none of the Saviors heard Rick's gunfire and demanded Simon let them save their leader? C'mon! They couldn't have been more than four or five blocks away!

• Simon tells the anxious Saviors to stay put, while he and Dwight search for Negan.

After a while they come upon the smoking wreck of a black Charger, that's riddled with bullet holes and coated with fresh walker blood. Simon stares intently at this auto, which is identical to Negan's in every measurable sense, and finally declares, "Could be his..."

• Hooray, Jerry's back! It's been a long time since we've seen him. Unfortunately I have a bad feeling he's not getting out of Season 8 alive. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm betting he'll be a casualty in the upcoming All Out War.

• This week the series goes "off book" again, and introduces yet another group of bizarre, ill-conceived weirdos. This time it's a woman who calls herself "Georgie," a pantsuited Glenn Close knockoff who's flanked by two tall, lanky taciturn hillbilly lesbians. 

Georgie believes she has vital knowledge of ancient farming and survival methods, and sincerely believes that she and only she holds the key to the Hilltop's survival. Note that all her secret, arcane enlightenment is simple information that's freely available in any library or high school science book.

Oh, and they also like to say "made-up" words like "flibberschticky, klompf and moisture." Yeah, those are the jokes in this episode, guys.

Sigh...

As I've poked around online the past eight years, I've often heard fans complain that The Walking Dead series sticks way too closely to the comic. Many of these viewers desperately wish the show would move away from the book more often.

No! NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT! We've seen what happens when the show's writers to come up with its own material! That's how we get dull, stultifying storylines like the Grady Bunch arc, pointless communities like Oceanside (who are mentioned in the comic but never seen) and laughably incomprehensible groups like the Garbage Pail Kids. 

The writers on this series couldn't come up with a compelling group or story if their lives depended on it. And now they've cooked up yet another bizarre and nonsensical community in this episode. 

If anything, the show needs to stick even CLOSER to the comic!

• A few months ago in The Big Scary U, Rick was on his way to the Garbage Pail Kids' Dump when he saw a mysterious chopper fly overhead. At the time, I assumed it belonged to Jadis and her people, since that's where it was headed.

Then a couple weeks ago in The Lost And The Plunderers, Simon visited Jadis and asked her what was up with the helipad in back of the Dump. Note that he didn't say "helicopter." In my mind that implied that the chopper belonged to someone else, who regularly visited the GPKs.

So who owns the chopper? Is it Georgie and her people, whatever they're called? They're the most likely culprits, since there's currently no one else on the show it could be. I have my doubts about this though, as neither of Georgie's guards look like they could figure out how to work a can opener, much less a helicopter.

• If the series sticks to the comic, the next Big Bad that Rick & Co. encounter should be the Whisperers, a group of deadly crackpots who wear suits made of walker skins. As you might expect, As you might expect, the two groups go to war.

After that Rick & Co. butt heads with The Commonwealth, a highly organized, technologically advanced city of fifty thousand survivors, whose rosy exterior masks a dark secret.

After the events of this episode, I'm starting to wonder if the show's gonna skip over the Whisperer arc altogether. Are Georgie and her brain-dead minions supposed to be the series' version of The Commonwealth?

It certainly looks that way. Georgie bears a striking resemblance to Pamela Milton, the leader of The Commonwealth. On the other hand, there are some differences. Pamela's sophisticated and elegant, and is impeccably dressed at all times. Georgie looks like she's trying to look stylish, but her clothes are a little too rumpled and ill-fitting for the leader of a 50,000 strong community.

And then there's the fact that The Commonwealth has an army of soldiers outfitted in high-tech armor, that looks a lot like that worn by the Capitol troops in The Hunger Games films. A far cry from Georgie's backwoods simpleton guards.

On the other other hand, it would make sense for the show to jump right over the Whisperer arc. For one thing, Carl featured VERY heavily in that particular plotline. Now that showrunner Scott Gimple stupidly and foolishly killed him off, it'd be difficult to adapt it to the screen. Maybe they've simply decided not to try.

Honestly, other than the fact that the Whisperers wore grotesque suits made of zombie skin, there wasn't much difference between them and the Saviors. Both groups were fronted by maniacal leaders who clashed with Rick's people in an effort to wipe them out. The Whisperers were just another group that caused problems for the heroes. They were simply More Of The Same.

The Commonwealth is a completely new type of enemy. They're led by a cadre of formerly rich people, who want to remake this Brave New World in their own image. It's the One Percent versus the Common Folk. Something we've not yet seen on the show.

Moving right to this storyline would actually make sense, as it could be a shot in the arm for the show. It's not secret that viewership is down lately. Thanks to Gimple's idiotic decisions, the show's ratings are less than half what they were in the show's heyday of Season 4 and 5. Shaking things up with The Commonwealth storyline may be just what the show needs.

All that said, I still don't think Georgie is supposed to be Pamela Milton. But it's possible she may be part of a scouting party who recruits new blood for The Commonwealth. Stay tuned to find out.

• After meeting Georgie and hearing her out, Maggie doesn't trust her. For some reason, she then decides to take Georgie and her guards back to the Hilltop.

What a brilliant and intelligent strategy! She doesn't trust these goons as far as she can throw them, so she immediately brings them back to her home base! Did she at least blindfold them on the way there? Let's hope so, otherwise Georgie now knows exactly where the Hilltop is, how many people are there and how they're all starving.

• This week we get yet another nickname for zombies— Eaters.

• OK, I gotta admit, seeing Rick attack both Negan and a room full of "eaters" with a flaming baseball bat was pretty darned cool.

Interesting as well to see just how much stock Negan places in Lucille. A psychiatrist could write up an entire essay on Negan's relationship with his bat. And the fact that he's constantly waving around a large piece of "wood."

• Georgie may know a lot about Medieval farming and survival techniques, but she can't design a book cover for sh*t. Her attempt at calligraphy there legitimately hurts my eyes.

• At one point Enid and Michonne have a heart-to-heart talk up on the Hilltop's protective wall. Apparently the cameraman was afraid of heights and refused to climb up the rickety structure with them, and instead chose to film the scene on the ground, from eighty feet away. Even more interesting, he films Enid from behind, so we don't even get to see her face!

Eh, don't worry about it. Actually being able to SEE the actors as they perform a scene is overrated anyway. It's much more fun to imagine their expressions and body language.

• Somehow this series just took one of my least favorite characters and suddenly made her interesting. I can't wait to see where this situation between Jadis and Negan is going!

The Walking Dead Season 8, Episode 5: The Big Scary U

Behind the scenes on this week's The Walking Dead:

Showrunner Scott Gimple: "You know, our show's still great and all, but there's one thing it's always been missing."
Writer: "What's that, boss?"

Gimple: "Endless scenes of corporate meetings set in conference rooms, filled with dry, lifeless dialogue. Is that something we could add to the show?"

Writer: "Done and done!"

Yes, welcome to one of the dullest episodes of The Walking Dead since... well, maybe ever. If you love corporate intrigue and endless meetings between department heads in your zombie TV shows, then brother, this is the episode for you. There were a couple scenes of very slight interest, but overall this installment was a huge dud.

And to top it all off, this was one of the show's infamous Supersized Episodes! At this point in the life of the series, any time I see that an episode's gonna be an extra long, I know I'm in for a bad time.

I'll give them props though for at least trying to do something different this week, instead of the usual "Avoid Walkers While Killing Bad People And Then Worrying About Whether It's Right" plot. Sure, it failed miserably, but at least they made an attempt.

Once again, we got an episode with some more goddamned time hopping. I'm telling you, it's almost to the point where you need a series of complicated diagrams just to figure out exactly when a scene's happening. There's absolutely no reason to do this every week, other than to give the illusion that the story's more complicated and interesting than it actually is. 

The best part of the episode was the small peek into Negan's backstory, as he finally let down his defenses— just a little bit— to show us what makes him tick. Ever since he first appeared in the Season 6 finale he's been more of a cartoon character than an actual person. This episode managed to give him some much needed depth, and turn him into a flesh and blood human being.

On the other hand, is a humanized Negan is a good thing, or does it make him less intimidating? Good question! Overall I'd say it's necessary. If the show follows the comic, Negan's gonna be around for a long time to come. The only way that's going to work is if he's got some depth.

It was slightly interesting to see the action from the "other side" this week, and realize the Sanctuary's not the relentless, unbeatable juggernaut it seems. It's actually built on quite a precarious foundation, as it seems to rely completely on Negan for every aspect of its existence. Heck, the second he's removed from the equation, the whole organization instantly collapses like a house of cards. That's a dangerous situation for the Saviors.

For the past couple of episodes we've been seeing a Rick/Daryl confrontation brewing, as the two clashed over whether to try and work with the Saviors or eradicate them completely. The matter came to a head this week, as the two finally had it out. 

Unfortunately, what could have been an epic clash between two brothers-in-arms ended up being little more than a schoolyard brawl, and fizzled out as quickly as it started. Somehow I was expecting more from this subplot.

For weeks now, fans (including me!) have suspected that the twitchy Father Gabriel was secretly working for Negan, providing him with valuable intel on Rick & Co.'s movements. It seemed like a likely theory, and there was actually quite a bit of proof to back it up. Welp, apparently we were all way off base. This episode proved, in no uncertain terms, that Gabe was NOT in cahoots with Negan at all. Oh well.

SPOILERS, I GUESS!

The Plot:
We begin with another goddamned motherfracking flashback, because it's physically impossible for The Walking Dead writers to produce an episode without one. This time we wind back to just before the season premiere (in which Rick & his army attacked the Sanctuary). We see Simon bring breakfast to Gregory, who's apparently being held somewhere inside the Sanctuary. Simon thanks Gregory for coming to see him and telling him everything he knows about Maggie's plans.

Cut to a conference room, where Negan leads a meeting of his lieutenants. In attendance are Simon, Dwight, Eugene, Gavin, Regina and Gregory. Wow, a board room meeting. In The Walking Dead. Now that's exciting! Amazingly, no one reads the minutes of the last meeting or says words things like "synergy" or "let's think outside the box." Instead, Gregory makes a weaselly excuse to Negan for losing control of the Hilltop, and suggests killing Maggie and everyone there.

This enrages Negan, who says people are the only valuable resource in the new world (I guess food, water, ammo and fuel don't count), and he doesn't like killing them. Negan says he doesn't mind killing the right people at the right time though, in order to send a message. Negan says by killing one person, you can save hundreds more. Suddenly a light goes on over Gregory's head and he says, "That's why you're called the Saviors!" Oy, gevalt.

Negans suggests they capture Rick, Maggie and King Ezekiel, and publicly execute them in front of their own people to force everyone back into line. We've already known this plan for a couple weeks now, so seeing the origin of it did absolutely nothing but burn up precious minutes of screentime. This scene then catches up to the premiere episode, in which Rick and his army attacked the Sanctuary. Confused yet?

Cut to the present, where Negan and Father Gabriel are trapped inside  a trailer in the Sanctuary courtyard, surrounded by a sea of hungry walkers. They talk for a while, and then Negan tackles Gabriel and takes his gun. He tells him to sit quietly and wait for rescue. Gabriel accuses him of being a killer. Naturally like all good delusional villains, Negan says he killed Glenn and Abraham, but he didn't GET them killed— Rick did. Negan then taunts Gabriel for trying to rescue Gregory, which only got him trapped here. Gabriel says maybe he was trapped in the trailer for a reason— to hear Negan's confession.

Back in the board room, the Savior Department Heads discuss how to save Negan. Regina wants to send a bunch of workers out to distract the walkers herd, so a team can enter the trailer and rescue him. Eugene calculates the odds and says it'll never work. Dwight believes Negan's dead, and says they need to get out before the workers find out and revolt (!). Simon says they need to find out the identity of the mole who's been spilling their secrets to Rick.

Later Eugene visits Dwight, and thanks him for backing him up in the meeting. He sees a chess set that Dwight carved and admires it. He picks up one of the pieces, and Dwight tells him to be careful because he just painted it. Eugene looks at his fingers, which are now covered in red paint. (Plot Point!)

Inside the trailer, Negan and Gabriel continue to sit and talk, which is about as exciting as it sounds. A walker breaks though part of the trailer wall, and mindlessly grabs for the two men, who are out of its reach. Negan goes on and on about how people are weak and need rules and laws. He says when he came to the Sanctuary it was a free-for-all, but he cleaned it up, gave people a purpose and made them strong. He says without him, the Sanctuary will fall again.

Gabriel asks Negan again if he has anything to confess. He says he's never killed anyone who didn't need it. He also mentions he had a wife before the zombie apocalypse started. Suddenly Gabriel grabs his gun back from Negan and runs into the trailer's second room, locking the door.

Elsewhere, Rick and Daryl root through the Savior weapons truck they ran off the road last week, gathering guns and ammo. Daryl finds a crate full of dynamite and starts loading it into a bag. When Rick asks what he's doing, Daryl says he's gonna use it to blow up Negan and the Sanctuary once and for all. Rick says there're innocent workers and families inside, and killing them will turn the whole world against Alexandria. He says they need to stick to The Plan (which the show has still never explained to the audience).

Daryl ignores him and walks off with the dynamite. Rick tackles him and they roll around on the ground for a bit. Rick grabs the satchel of dynamite, and hurls it back into the overturned truck. Right on cue, the truck catches fire. The two men stop fighting and run for their lives as the truck explodes, knocking them down. They sit and watch as the truck— along with all the weapons and ammo inside— goes up in smoke. Congratulations, idiots. Dozens of your own people died trying to get ahold of these guns, and now they're gone.

Rick then gets in his jeep to drive off, but it's a TV vehicle, so it won't start when it's needed most. He tells Daryl again that they need to stick to The Plan. Daryl says they've got to win or else, and roars off on his bike. For some reason, Rick takes off on foot in the opposite direction.

Back in the Sanctuary, Eugene's playing videogames when the power goes out. Apparently Negan was right about the Sanctuary— he's only been presumed dead for a couple of hours (I guess?), and already the generators have quit working!

Negan apparently senses the Sanctuary's going to hell, and yells to Gabriel (who's still locked in the spare room) that it's time to go. Gabriel offers his own confession, telling Negan about the time he locked his own congregation out of his church and listened to them die. He then says he'll only come out if Negan confesses.

Instead of kicking down the door and snapping Gabriel's neck like a normal person would, Negan actually offers a confession! He says he had a real wife before the world went to hell, but he was a bad person who cheated on her constantly. She got sick before the apocalypse, and died shortly after it began. He said he was weak, and couldn't bring himself to put her down after she turned.

Gabriel unlocks the door, hands Negan the gun and says, "You're forgiven." Negan then punches Gabriel in the face, in one of the most satisfying scenes in the history of the show. He gives him the gun back and then pulls the grasping walker through the hole and into the trailer. He smashes its head, then slices it open. He and Gabriel then do the old "Rub Zombie Guts All Over Yourself To Fool The Walkers" trick. Negan wonders if anyone's ever gotten sick from this ploy. (Possible Plot Point?)

Negan opens the trailer door, and a wave of walkers flood in. Fortunately they ignore the two camouflaged men. They cautiously thread their way through the thick herd, toward the Sanctuary. Naturally Gabriel trips and falls, and amazingly Negan helps him up instead of leaving him there. Just as they make it to the loading dock, several walkers topple over the edge and land on top of them.

In the board room, the Department Heads are STILL arguing and discussing. Suddenly a woman bursts in and says the workers are growing restless and coming up the stairs. Simon goes into the hallway, where he's met by a crowd of angry workers, who I was surprised to see aren't carrying torches and pitchforks. He tells them they're not allowed on the second floor, and to go back downstairs and wait for further instructions. They angrily demand to know why the power's out and if Negan's dead. One says they need water for their kids. Jesus Christ! As near as I can tell, Negan's only been gone a few hours! Did the Sanctuary really run completely out of water in that time?

The crowd starts to riot, and Regina shoots a woman dead. Suddenly they hear Negan whistling his little Savior tune, and he and Gabriel come around the corner. He announces he's back, and reports of his death have been highly exaggerated. He says he's going to go wash the walker guts off, but when he gets back, they've all got some explaining to do. A woman calls out, "Thank God for you, Negan!" He tells two Saviors to gently take Gabriel to a cell.

Cut to Rick walking through a woodland path. Suddenly he hears a noise and sees a helicopter fly overhead. Curious and amazed, he heads in the direction of the chopper. As he does so, he's watched by what appears to be one of the Garbage Pail kids, who whistles a signal. Jesus Christ, that means Jadis and her inbred tribe are coming back.

We then return to another thrilling scene in the Sanctuary conference room. Gavin presents a satchel full of guns that the Alexandrians used against them. He says the guns were taken from a Sanctuary outpost, and claims this proves there's a mole who's working with Rick and his army. Eugene, who apparently now has the deductive powers of Sherlock Holmes, glances at the satchel and notices a smear of red paint on it— the same kind Dwight used on his chess pieces. Gasp! After the meeting, Negan corners Eugene and tells him to use his smarts to ferret out the mole, or die trying. Literally!

Sometime later, Eugene visits Gabriel's windowless cell, bringing him a pillow and other comfort items. When he opens the door, he sees Gabriel's sweating profusely and apparently suffering from a fever. The implication is he was bitten by a walker while we weren't looking. Eugene tells Gabriel he's taking him to see Dr. Carson. Gabriel says no, and insists they need to get Carson back to the Hilltop to figure out why Maggie's been pregnant for over two years.

Thoughts:
• The title of this week's episode (The Big Scary U) is Gregory's term for "the unknown." Why didn't he just say it normally in the first place? "The unknown" has two less syllables than "The Big Scary U."

• I've said it before, but I still think that Steven Ogg, aka Simon, would make a much better Negan than Jeffery Dean Morgan. Morgan's Negan seems downright buffoonish at times, what with his ridiculous cocksure swagger and frat boy patter. Ogg has a greasy, easygoing charm that masks a terrifying killer beneath.

• During one of this episode's endless board meetings, Eugene notices a small red smear on the gun satchel, and immediately realizes that Dwight's the mole. 

The idea here is that the splotch is identical to the red paint Dwight used on his chess pieces. Sure, why not? That's a mildly clever way to implicate Dwight. But did they have to make the paint RED? In a world filled with the blood of walking corpses and their victims? How does Eugene know the smear isn't just blood? Wouldn't it have made more sense if the paint smear was green or blue?

• Daryl roots through the overturned weapons truck, and finds a crate of dynamite. Man, he was was really tossing around those sticks of dynamite in this episode! I thought that was a bad thing? Isn't TNT highly unstable? Shouldn't Daryl be dead after showing that dynamite who's boss?

According to the interwebs, the risk of accidental explosion from rough handing of fresh dynamite is minimal, but quite high when it gets old. Dynamite has a maximum shelf life of one year. After that it starts to "sweat" nitroglycerin, which of course is very unstable and shock, friction and temperature sensitive.

Since fans that keep track of such say a bit less than two years have passed on the show since the zombie apocalypse started (really!), the dynamite they find is well over a year old, and should be handled with care. By all rights Daryl should have blown up real good when he started manhandling it.

• It's not clear what's wrong with Gabriel at the end of the episode, but I'm sure we're supposed to assume he was bitten in between scenes. We didn't actually see him and Negan enter the Sanctuary— the last we saw a couple of walkers fell on top of them and the screen went dark. So it's entirely possible Gabriel was bitten sometime between then and when he and Negan appeared inside the Sanctuary, and we'll eventually see the incident in one of the show's ubiquitous flashbacks.

On the other hand, it's also possible he contracted some horrible disease after smearing zombie guts all over himself. There's even a scene where Negan mentions this as a possibility:

Negan: "You ever done this trick with the guts before?"
Gabriel: "Mm-hmm."
Negan: "These are putrid, decaying organs, dead blood, piss, and sh*t that have been cooking all day in the Virginian sun. None of your people ever gotten sick from this?"
Gabriel: "We're from Georgia."

It's an odd scene, and a strange thing for a character to emphasize. Is it possible he wasn't bitten and just has an infection from the guts? In the comic, Gabriel dies long after this All Out War storyline, which gives a bit of credence to the infection theory. The show's deviated from the comic before though, so who knows? I guess we'll find out next week. Or whenever they decide to revisit this subplot.

• Of course the biggest question of this week's episode is who's in the helicopter that Rick sees fly overhead?

We've seen choppers on the show before, of course. Way back in the pilot episode, Rick spotted a vacant on outside the hospital, and later on sees one fly over downtown Atlanta.

The Govenor's people actually shot down a helicopter in Season 3 (I think?), and in Season 4 one was parked on the roof of a grocery store (and eventually fell through!).

And then there's the Season 7 episode New Best Friends, which introduced Jadis and the Garbage Pail Kids. In that episode there's a horribly obvious greenscreen shot of Rick standing in front of the vast junkyard, and many fans absolutely swear they see a helicopter flying by in the far distance.

Some viewers believed the alleged chopper was deliberate, and indicated another colony of survivors nearby. Others claimed it was a filming mistake, as a copter accidentally wondered into the shot while filming. That makes absolutely no sense. They didn't shoot the scene on location—  it's clearly a fake CGI background. Why would anyone deliberately add a helicopter to an effects shot if it wasn't supposed to be there?

As to who's in the chopper, some think it's yet a group we've not seen before. That seems unlikely to me, as I doubt they'd add another colony during the All Out War storyline and complicate it even further. Others believe it contains cast members from sister series Fear The Walking Dead. I've never seen the show (there're only so many hours in a day), so I honestly can't say if that's true or not.

I'm going all Occam's Razor here, and saying the simplest explanation is the best. I think the copter belongs to the Garbage Pail Kids. Pollyanna McIntosh (aka Jadis) shows up in the credits every week, so we know her group's gonna be back sooner or later. We know her people are scavengers, so it's totally possible they found a chopper and flew it to the junkyard. Plus right after it zoomed overhead, we saw what appeared to be a Garbage Pail Kid guard who was eyeing Rick. 

Until the show proves otherwise, that's the explanation I'm going with.

The Walking Dead Season 7, Episode 16: The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life

It's the Season 7 finale of The Walking Dead!

Now that was a finale! Finally, something actually happened on this show. If only the writers could learn to space out the action a bit more evenly during the year, and stop treading water until the dreaded season ending breaks.

SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON!

This week we get the tragic and not the least bit surprising sendoff of Sasha Williams, who first appeared way back in Season 3 in Made To Suffer. Unfortunately her departure wasn't exactly a surprise, especially if you're a reader of the comic or you read entertainment news.

Since the writers could never think of anything to do with Sasha, they slowly turned her into Holly from the comic— a character who met a shocking and grisly end. Additionally, Sonequa Martin-Green, who plays Sasha, recently announced she'd been cast in CBS' doomed new Star Trek: Discovery series. 

Showrunner Scott Gimple claimed this wouldn't be a problem, claiming in interviews that he was willing to work with her schedule so she could film both shows. Fans didn't buy that for a minute, as we all know Gimple is a lying liar who lies. Plus that's exactly the sort of thing you'd say if you didn't want the public to know one of your stars was jumping ship. 

And the fans were right. Gimple lied, Green left the show and Sasha assumed Holly's fate.

Well, sort of. Once again, Gimple took a simple and memorable scene from the comic and utterly ruined it by trying to add one of his trademarked "twists" to it. The Sasha/Holly scene was a very iconic moment in the comic, one that readers remember years later. 

Instead of following the scene as written in the comic, Gimple muddied it with weird flashbacks and fantasy sequences. And even odder, he topped it off with the bizarre concept of transporting Sasha in a goddamned coffin! Jesus wept. Just follow the goddamned comic for once, wouldja Gimple?

This episode made a YUGE deal out of Sasha's death, which seems puzzling to me. Despite the fact that she had no depth or dimension, she was positively revered in this send-off episode. But why all the hoopla? She's always been a second-tier character at best, one we never really knew much about. Everything about her was informed by her various relationships to men. She was Tyreese's sister. She hooked up with Bob Stookey. She became Abraham's lover. But who the hell was SHE as a person? Don't look at a the writers, they dunno either!

As for my predictions for how the rest of the season would play out— eh, I got a couple right.

I called the fact that Sasha was inheriting the Holly storyline. Well, more or less. I knew Negan would bring her back to Rick as a peace offering and she'd be a walker, but I didn't foresee the whole ridiculous coffin theme. Who would have?

I also said we'd see Gregory arrive at the Sanctuary, asking Simon for help in eliminating Maggie. I also predicted that Negan would then gut Gregory like a fish for being such a little bitch, like he did when Spencer tattled to him. That didn't happen in this episode, but I'm betting we'll see the scene early in Season 8. 

And I predicted that Dwight was planning on switching sides, or would at least ask Rick's help in killing Negan, and that's just what happened this week. Of course that wasn't really a prediction per se, since it happens in the comic. But whatever. I'm still counting it.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
We open with Sasha in her Iron Man helmet, er, I mean inside some dark, enclosed space, listening to music on an iPod. This is one of those "non-linear, twisted timeline" episodes The Walking Dead writers love so much, which makes writing these recaps a pure joy. That was, I say that was sarcasm, son.

Cut to what is apparently a few hours earlier, as Negan enters Sasha cell, saying, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, Sasha!" Houston, we have a title! He tells her she's going to help him get Rick and Alexandria back on track. He also says that in order to do that, his bat Lucille's gonna have to take out three more of Rick's people. She tells him no one has to die, but he insists punishment is necessary. She finally bargains him down to just one. Gosh, I wonder which one that'll be?

In Alexandria, Rick and the others question Dwight (who showed up at the end of last week's episode), asking him why he's there. He says he wants the same thing they do— to see Negan dead. Daryl doesn't believe him and shoves him against the wall, holding a knife inches from his eye. Tara (who's angry with Dwight for killing Dr. Cloyd last season) urges Daryl to just do it and kill him. Dwight tells Daryl that he should know from bitter experience that he doesn't lie. Daryl stares intently at him and slowly lowers the knife.

Dwight then warns Rick that Negan knows he's planning something, and is coming for Alexandria. He says he can slow down Negan, but it's up to Rick to kill him. He says if Rick does so, the Sanctuary will follow him. Rick trusts Daryl's judgement, and says he believes Dwight. He lets him go back to the Sanctuary.

At the Hilltop, Jesus tells Maggie that Gregory's left for the Sanctuary. She immediately takes charge, and tells Jesus the Hilltop's going to join Rick's fight.

Meanwhile King Ezekiel, Carol and several knights march toward Alexandria to help. Along the way they meet Morgan, who's planning to storm the Sanctuary along. Ezekiel talks him into joining them.

We then see Sasha listening to music in the dark place again, as she experiences a series of annoying flashbacks and fantasies. These are actually peppered throughout the episode, but I'm gonna round 'em all up right here. 

Sasha fantasizes about Abraham, who tells her he's going to help Rick escort Maggie to the Hilltop, where Dr. Carson can treat her. Sasha asks him not to go, as she senses danger. She says she had a dream that he died, but he deflects her concerns, saying they're going to triumph over the Saviors.

She tells him they're due to sit out a mission, but he insists he's going. She gives in and says she's coming with him.

Sasha then has a flashback to the Season 6 episode Them, when she and Maggie sat on a log watching the sun rise after a storm. Symbolism Alert!

OK, back to the regularly scheduled linear episode.

At the Sanctuary, Eugene and Sasha chat before Negan's convoy leaves for Alexandria. She tells him she still hasn't give up on him. He tells her she can ride up front with him and the other Saviors, but incredibly she insists on riding inside a coffin on the back of a truck (!!!). Even Negan himself tells her she doesn't have to ride in it, as he thinks it's odd. Negan! Sasha tells him she "needs the rest."

Seriously, The Walking Dead writers? You really just made a character willingly lie in a coffin, and yet you expect us to be surprised later when we find out this is her last episode? Well done. 

Eugene gives Sasha an iPod to listen to while she's inside the coffin, and tells her the trip will take about two hours. Sasha listens to her music and enjoys her flashbacks for a bit, then pops Eugene's poison pill (that he gave her last week) into her mouth.

In Alexandria, we get a montage of Rick and the others preparing for Negan's assault. Rosita sets a bunch of explosive charges, with the help of Jesus and Aaron. The weirdo Scavengers, led by Jadis, arrive and join the Alexandrians. They set up defensive positions around the wall. Michonne sits in a bell tower with her sniper rifle, joined by Tamiel, a Savior woman. Rick and Jadis stand on a platform next to the gate.

Negan's convoy arrives, and Eugene appears, trying to talk Rick into standing down. Rick says he'll only talk to Negan, but Eugene replies, "I'm Negan." Rick nods to Rosita, who pushes the button on her detonator. Unfortunately, nothing happens. Suddenly Jadis pulls a gun on Rick, as all the other Scavengers turn on the Alexandrians! Up in the bell tower, Tamiel turns on Michonne as well. Rick tells Jadis they had a deal. She calmly says that Negan made her a better one.

The gate opens, and Negan saunters in. He tells Rick he knew all about his little plan all along and had his people defuse the bombs (just how that was accomplished is left to our imaginations). He says it's all over and there's nothing he can do about it, yadda yadda. Rick tells his people not to drop their weapons.

Negan has Dwight and Simon bring out the coffin and set it upright on the back of the truck. Negan tells Rick that he brought Sasha back to him, all safe and sound. He says he'll let her go if Rick gives him everything— all the additional weapons he scraped up, all their supplies and even his pool table. Oh, and he wants Daryl back too. And Rick will have to choose another victim for Lucille.

Rick says he wants to see Sasha before he makes a decision. Negan opens the coffin, and Zombie Sasha lunges toward him, knocking him to the ground. Boy. I sure didn't see THAT coming down Main St. like a Thanksgiving Day float! Carl uses the shocking moment to shoot several of the Scavengers, as war breaks out. Rosita's wounded, and Tara drags her off. In the bell tower, Michonne and Tamiel begin battling with one another. Unfortunately Michonne gets the worst of it, taking an epic beating.

A redshirt Savior pulls Sasha off of Negan, and she attacks him instead. Simon grabs Negan and rushes him to cover like he's the President or something. Jadis shoots Rick in the gut and pushes him off the platform. She jumps down and forces him to walk. He sees dozens of dead Alexandrians lying in the streets.

Jadis takes Rick to a clearing, where the Saviors are holding several kneeling Alexandrians, including Carl, hostage. Yawn, this again? She forces Rick to his knees. Suddenly he hears a woman scream, as someone falls from the bell tower. Gasp! Could it have been Michonne? That's sure what the writers want us to think!

Negan enters and does a replay of the Season premiere, saying Rick's going to have to pay and needs to be taught a lesson, and on and on. He tells Rick he's going to kill Carl in front of him, and then Lucille's going to "take his hands," which I guess means he's going to beat them till they come off? Rick also repeats what he said in the season opener, saying he's going to kill Negan, and his Saviors are all already dead.

Negan smiles and lifts his bat. Just as he's about to bring it down on Carl's head, Shiva the tiger leaps into frame. For some reason she jumps on a redshirt Savior behind Negan instead of him, which doesn't make any sense, but let's just move on. Suddenly King Ezekiel and his knights appear, along with Maggie and the Hilltopians. They attack the Saviors and the Scavengers, quickly turning the tide in the battle. Negan sees Maggie and is furious, realizing that Rick lied to him about her death. Really? That's the most important thing to him at a time like this?

Negan orders a retreat, and he and the Saviors, along with the few remaining Scavengers, hightail it out of Alexandria. As Daryl shuts the gate, he finds a little carved wooden soldier. On the back is a message that reads, "Didn't Know." This is obviously from Dwight, meaning he was unaware of the Scavenger's betrayal.

Rick runs toward the bell tower and sees Tamiel lying dead on the ground. He realizes Michonne's OK (sort of) and flies up the steps to find her. She's not in very good shape, as she looks not unlike Stallone at the end of Rocky, but she's alive.

Back at the Sanctuary, Negan asks Eugene how Sasha could have possibly died while sealed inside an airtight coffin. Eugene says it's probably because she was sealed inside an airtight coffin. Negan eyes him suspiciously and says, "Maybe." He then addresses the Sanctuary and tells them, "We're going to war!"

Back in Alexandria, Rick, Maggie and Ezekiel, the leaders of the three united communities, give a speech to the survivors. Maggie monologues and says that this all started when Glenn decided to help Rick, which all lead to this moment.

Thoughts:
• Sigh... why must nearly every episode of this series feature some kind of twisted timeline? Flashbacks, flash forwards, flash sideways— you name it, The Walking Dead's tried it. Jesus Christ, if I want a convoluted time shenanigans I'll  watch Doctor Who! Just show the goddamned events in real time already.

It reminds me of the Deadpool movie. Despite the fact that I like that film quite a bit, even I have to admit it used a flashbacks to mask the fact that it only contained about thirty actual minutes of story. I have a feeling that's what's happening on The Walking Dead. Your script's only twenty minutes long? Tell it in flashback format! Guaranteed to stretch it out to a smooth forty five minutes!

• Dwight tells Rick he wants to help him take down Negan. He says, "I can slow them down, bring some trees down in the road, buy a little time for you guys to get ready. If you can take them out, that's where we start. You kill them, I'll radio back to the Sanctuary." Rick then says, "The Sanctuary?" Dwight replies, "Where Negan lives. That's what they call it."

Seriously? Rick doesn't know Negan's colony is called "The Sanctuary?" In all this time he's never heard anyone mention it before? Not even Carl or Daryl, both of whom actually spent time there?

• When Maggie's discussing strategy at the Hilltop with Jesus, we see Enid pick up a baby and take it out of the room. Was that Baby Judith? What's she doing at the Hilltop? Did Rick pawn her off on Maggie to keep her out of harm's way? Honestly it doesn't seem like the Hilltop's much safer than Alexandria these days.

• I wonder if Michael Cudlitz, aka Abraham, came back just to film this episode, or they had the season planned out in advance and he shot his farewell scenes months ago? He's sporting his Abraham crew cut and walrus mustache, so I'm betting they probably filmed his scenes way back when. I can't believe he walks around like that in his everyday life!

• When the weirdo Scavengers first arrive at Alexandria, most of them are carrying the guns Rick stole from Oceanside. However, one gangly-looking Scavenger has apparently armed himself with a large red umbrella! Wow, I bet that'll have Negan quaking in his boots!

• I have to admit I laughed when Jadis offered to "lay with" Rick after the war was over. 

That said, I still say that three and a half years (which is how long most sources say have passed in the world of the show since the zombie outbreak) is nowhere near long enough for such a society of bizarre weirdos to have evolved.

• This episode is actually combines and condenses several issues of the comic, specifically Issues #113 through #119. That's actually a good thing, as the conflict between Rick and Negan was drawn out a little too long on the printed page. Negan comes to Alexandria and threatens Rick, Rick goes to the Sanctuary and threatens Negan, Negan brings Holly back to Alexandria and attacks, lather, rinse, repeat.

• As Negan's convoy arrives, Eugene appears and uses a bullhorn to try and talk Rick into standing down. Well, at least I think that's what he's doing. His actual words are: 

"All points are covered. Every contingency is already met. I come armed with two barrels of the truth. A test is upon you, and I'm giving out the cheat sheet. H-Hello. I come salved with the hope that it is my dropped knowledge that you heed. Options are zero to none. Compliance and fealty are your only escape. Bottom-lining it— you may thrive, or you may die. I sincerely wish for the former for everyone's sake. The jig is up and in full effect. Will you comply, Rick?

After that tortured, convoluted opening statement, I was hoping Rick would say, "What the hell are you even talking about?"

Since he first appeared, Eugene's seemed like he was somewhere "on the spectrum," as his speech pattern has always been stilted and overly verbose. But this season the writers have gone way overboard with him, as they seem determined to twist his speech into ever more impenetrable knots. It was mildly amusing at first, but now it's just annoying.

It reminds me of how Yoda's speech has evolved over the years. When he first appeared in The Empire Strikes Back, he spoke fairly normally, only twisting his syntax when he was trying to act like a crazy little hermit. By the time the Prequels came out, he was saying stuff like, "Around the survivors, a perimeter create!"

It's time to dial Eugene's syntax back a notch or twelve.

• OK, I did NOT see the Scavengers' betrayal coming, so that was a nice surprise. They don't appear in the comic and were created just for the show, so I had no idea what was going on with them. Well done, writers!

So what was up with the Scavenger's betrayal? It's kind of vague, due to their bizarre, impenetrable and ridiculous way of speaking, but as near as I can tell, Negan made them a better deal. When Rick tells Jadis, "We had a deal," she says, "Tamiel came for the boat things. Followed ones who took. Made a better deal."

From that I gather that "Tamiel" is one of the Saviors, who I guess found the Saviors and took the supplies they stole from the houseboat earlier in the season. Jadis apparently followed Tamiel back to the Sanctuary and for some reason told Negan about her deal with Rick. I guess he then made her a better offer, instead of bashing her head in with Lucille. As I said, it's all pretty vague.

• A while back I noted while Andrea's long dead on the show, she's still alive and well in the comic, and it appears that the writers are merging her character with that of Michonne.

Nowhere was that more evident than in the bell tower scene in this episode, in which Michonne battled one of the Saviors and darned near got killed. The exact same scene happened in the comic in Issue #113. There Andrea battled a male Savior in the bell tower, and was practically beaten to death before finally overcoming him. In the comic Rick even hears a scream and thinks Andrea's been thrown from the tower to her death!

• I'm struggling to understand why Negan was trying to use Sasha as a bargaining chip with Rick. Nothing about it makes any sense.

See, in the comic, Negan knew Rick was planning to strike back at him, so he went to Alexandria on the pretense of trying to talk things out. He even seemingly brought Holly back safe and sound as a peace offering. Holly's then unmasked, we see she's a zombie, she bites Dr. Cloyd and in the confusion Negan orders his men to attack. Negan had Alexandria surrounded, but used Holly as a diversion.

In this episode, Negan comes to Alexandria on the pretense of trying to talk things out, and then gives the signal for the Scavengers to turn on Rick and his crew. The Alexandrians are all now completely screwed, with no possible way out. Negan has the complete and total upper hand. Yet for some reason he gives Sasha (who he thinks is still alive) to Rick as a peace offering, and not as a diversion. But why? Why offer an olive branch to Rick AFTER he's sprung his trap on him? 

As I said, it just doesn't make any sense. It's like Gimple wanted to change up the comic storyline a bit, but didn't stop to think how his alterations would effect the scene.

• All through the "Negan Returning Sasha" scene, I sat there scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell Gimple was thinking when he (co) wrote this episode. Seriously? Negan brings Sasha back to Rick... in a goddamned coffin? 

When this scene appeared in the comic, it was elegant in its simplicity. Negan brings back Holly, she's wearing a bag on her head but appears to be fine, the bag's removed, she's a zombie and she starts attacking Rick's people. All very straightforward.

For some reason, Gimple thought it this simple scene would be vastly improved by stuffing Sasha in a coffin and having Negan drag it all the way from the Sanctuary. It's just so... nonsensical.

And talk about telegraphing a scene! Is there anyone out there, even the densest viewer, who didn't figure out that she was dead in there? Jesus, they might as well have painted "Don't Dead, Open Inside" on the outside of the coffin! 

Was this coffin scene another one of Gimple's ham-handed attempts at symbolism, like Carol literally seeing a storm cloud on the horizon in Bury Me Here? I can just imagine it. Gimple was writing this script and paused, thinking to himself, "Well, it's OK, but it needs something more. Something really clever, to inform the audience about what's going to happen. Something that represents death. Like a grave. No, a cross. No, I've got it! A coffin! I'll have Sasha travel back to Alexandria inside a coffin!" And then I've no doubt he leaned back in his chair, took a sip of coffee and congratulated himself on another award-winning script.

Once again, Gimple takes a simple scene from the comic and completely ruins it, muddying it almost beyond recognition. If Gimple's not careful, his name's gonna become a new verb, meaning "to needlessly complicate or destroy something." As in, "The factory was running smoothly until Steve came along and Gimpled it."

For the sake of comparison, here's the superior way the Holly scene played out in the Issue #119 of the comic (WARNING! Naughty language ahead!):

Negan shows up at the gates of Alexandria with Holly, as a "peace offering"to Rick. In true hostage fashion, she's got a bag over her head.

Rick calls to Holly, telling her to follow the sound of his voice.

Dr. Cloyd, who was still alive at this point in the comic, runs out to intercept Holly.

She pulls the bag off her head, and hijinx ensue, as Negan gives the order to attack.

See? It was much simpler and made much more sense in the comic. No clumsy coffins anywhere to be seen.

• After being absent for most of the season, Negan's stylish red cravat makes its return in this episode. I guess this must be his "Head Beatin' Scarf," that he only gets out when Lucille's hungry.

By the way, Negan really needs to get a new schtick. His "Line "Em Up And Beat "Em In The Head" act is getting old fast.

• Negan threatens Rick (again) by saying he's gonna kill Carl in front of him, and then Lucille's gonna "take his hands."

It's no secret by now that in the comic, Rick lost his right hand years ago (courtesy of the Governor). Gimple says it's never gonna happen on the show though, as it would require tons of green screen effects and be prohibitively expensive. Still, they manage to stick in a "missing hand" reference at least once per season.

• The Shiva Attack was awesome! Easily the best moment of the entire season. Hopelessly contrived of course, as she appeared at jusssst the right moment, but still pretty damned cool. Kudos to the producers! Best of all, Shiva looked completely real to me. Hundreds of times better than some of the wonky effects we've seen this season.

That said, why the hell did she attack that redshirt behind Negan? Why not go after the guy swinging the baseball bat? I know the real world answer— because Jeffrey Dean Morgan has a two year contract with the show. But I can't think of a good in-universe reason why she didn't pounce on him.

It's also fortunate for the Alexandrians and the Hilltopians that Shiva could instinctively tell they were good guys, and only went after the Saviors.

Shiva actually does attack the Saviors in the comic (under slightly different circumstances though) in Issue #114 of the comic.

• After Negan and the Saviors retreat, Daryl closes the gate and spots a little wooden figure with the words, "DIDN'T KNOW" scrawled on the back.

This is obviously a message from Dwight, telling the Alexandrians he wasn't aware the Scavengers were going to betray them. We've seen Dwight carving figures in the past, and in fact Daryl saw this particular one in Dwight's room when he escaped the Sanctuary.

This is proof that Dwight's telling the truth, and really does want to take down Negan.

• All season long I've been going on about how the writers deliberately keep the locations of the various communities vague, for storytelling purposes. It's a cheap bit of plot trickery, but I can understand why they do it. If they establish that Alexandria is a two day walk from the Hilltop, that'll cause problems someday if they ever need Rick to get there in an hour. So I get all the ambiguity.

This week though we finally get a tiny location clue. When Sasha's preparing to leave the Sanctuary in her coffin, she asks Eugene, "A couple hours to get there, right?" He replies, "At least. Might be a circuitous and janky route. With what they're planning, they could be watching the roads."

So we now know that the Sanctuary is at least two hours away from Alexandria by car. It's not much of a clue, but hey, it's something. And it could helps a bit to explain why it took the Saviors so long to discover Alexandria.

Anyway, so much for this episode. It's time for The Sixth Annual The Walking Dead Season End Awards, Even Though This Is Season 7! On with the Awards!

Fastest Fall From Grace Award
For the second year in a row, Scott Gimple, come on down!

Last year I note that Gimple took over as showrunner in Season 4, and immediately solved a lot of the show's problems, as well as writing some of its best ever episodes. Sadly that all changed in Season 6. He stretched six episodes worth of story into sixteen, gave numerous characters drastic personality changes (many of which happened offscreen), turned most of the characters into poor decision making imbeciles, and completely botched the most famous moment from the comic.

Welp, he did the same exact thing in Season 7. He had the opportunity to redeem himself with the season premiere, but he STILL insisted on twisting the timeline with flashbacks and fantasy sequences, forcing the audience to piece together the events, which once again, completely ruined the impact of the storyline.

He did the same damned thing with the Sasha storyline in the season finale, diluting another powerful moment from the comic. And of course there was all the obvious padding and foot-dragging, as he continued stretching a handful of episodes into a full season's worth.

He's lost any and all goodwill he ever scored with me, and the sooner AMC boots him off the show, the better.

Bad To Worse Award

Once again, this award goes to showrunner Scott Gimple!

I spent quite a bit of time last year ranting about the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Season 6 finale, in which showrunner Scott Gimple inexplicably decided to obscure the identity of Negan's victim, spoiling his introduction for all time and pissing off fans of both the series and the comic.

Gimple could have redeemed himself with the Season 7 premiere, but instead he did the same goddamned thing! The episode opens AFTER the infamous head-bashing scene, and we're then treated to a confusing series of flashbacks, flash forwards and flash sideways as Gimple jealously doles out information, leaving it to the audience to piece everything together into a coherent narrative. 

Whatever happened to just telling a story from point A to B?

As proof of Gimple's disdain for the audience, you need look no further than the way this Season 7 premiere is structured. Incredibly, the episode doesn't pick up exactly where Season 6 left off, but begins after Negan has already killed two of Rick's crew. Just who he killed though is none of our business. We don't find out who was murdered until halfway through the goddamned episode, when Rick takes the time to lie down and have a flashback. Are you f*cking kidding me?

For a horrifying moment, I honestly thought we weren't going to find out who died in the premiere. If that had actually happened, I was fully prepared to drive to Scott Gimple's home and punch him in the dick. And then I'd get mad!

Where's My Fainting Couch Award?

This award goes to select viewers of The Walking Dead, who complained that Glenn and Abraham's deaths traumatized them so much they decided to stop watching the series.

So let me get this straight— you stopped watching a show in which people routinely shoot, decapitate and dismember zombies because it's suddenly too violent. Got it.

Reddest Redshirt Award

Goes to Ben, one of King Ezekiel's knights from the Kingdom. Ben first appeared in The Well, and the second I saw him, I knew he was doomed. He was just too young, eager and decent to survive in the world of the show.

Does Negan Better Than Negan Award

And the award goes to Steven Ogg!

When Negan first appeared back in Last Day On Earth, I praised Jeffrey Dean Morgan's terrifying performance, saying he was perfectly cast. 

I meant what I said at the time. Unfortunately after that initial appearance, Negan has inexplicably devolved into a bizarre, quippy, semi-buffoon. 

Steven Ogg began appearing on the show this season as Simon, Negan's right-hand man. In my opinion, Ogg would make a much, MUCH better Negan than Morgan. I kind of wish they'd cast him in the role instead.

Vague Geography Award

Goes to the Post Apocalyptic Settlements of Virginia.

This has been going on for a couple seasons now, but it's only getting worse. There are now at least six thriving communities on the show— the Sanctuary, Alexandria, the Kingdom, the Hilltop, Oceanside and the Scavenger's dump. Every one of these communities have been going on supply runs for years, yet only recently became aware of one another.

Isn't it amazing that in all those trips of ever-increasing distance, the various groups never once ran into one another? What are the odds?

Earworm Award

Goes to Easy Street! C'mon down and get your trophy!

In The Cell, Daryl's being held captive in a tiny darkened room in the Sanctuary. Dwight psychologically tortures him by playing the song Easy Street, but the Collapsable Hearts Club (and yes, they either knowingly or mistakenly spelled "collapsible" wrong), twenty four hours a day.

It's a relentlessly upbeat and peppy little ditty, and you'll never hear a more insidious ear worm in your life. It was stuck in my head for two or three days after the episode aired.

Unfortunately, since the song is only a few months old, technically it shouldn't exist in The Walking Dead universe. In the world of the show, the zombie apocalypse started three or four years ago, meaning there probably aren't too many bands out there writing new material.

Shallow Grave Award

Goes to Negan, for his inexplicable obsession with Maggie.

In the episode Service, Negan strolls into Alexandria and wonders what happened to the "sick girl," aka Maggie. Rick tells him Maggie died, even going so far as to dig a fake grave (which he filled with supplies) for her in the Alexandria cemetery. Negan is disappointed, as he wanted to take her back to the Sanctuary with him.

Then in the Season 7 finale, Negan spots Maggie during the big shoot out at the end and roars with rage at being lied to. I have no idea why the fact that she's actually alive is so important to him, but apparently it is.

Fat-Shaming Award

Goes to Negan.

In Service, Negan tours Alexandria and sees Olivia, the rather, um, voluptuous gal who's in charge of inventory. He says, "...I can't be the only one to notice that you got a fat lady in charge of keeping track of rations, can I?"

#fatshaming!

Prolonging The Agony Award

Goes to Season 7, the first half of which featured FIVE episodes that were supersized, lasting between fifty and sixty two minutes, as opposed to the usual forty five.

Unfortunately there was barely fifteen minutes worth of story in these episodes, resulting in LOTS of padding and wheel-spinning.

Worst Waste Of A Character Award

And the winner is Heath! 

He was a major character in the comic for many years, so it was fun to see him finally introduced on the show in First Time Again. Then POOF! He completely disappeared. He showed up briefly once or twice afterward, but so far his non-presence on the show has been a big disappointment.

Then to make matters even worse, he was seemingly killed OFF CAMERA in Swear!

Why the hell did they bother to add him to the show if they were never planning to use him?

What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been Award

Goes to The Walking Dead's timeline, which for the past two seasons has seemed impossibly compressed.

For example: Heath and Tara went on their epic supply run in Not Tomorrow Yet, which aired on March 6, 2016. We don't see them again until Swear, which aired November 27, 2016. That's almost nine months between the two episodes out here in the real world. Yet in the universe of the show, only two weeks passed between those episodes!

That means that in just fourteen short days Rick & Co. killed the Saviors in the satellite station. Dwight killed Dr. Cloyd. Maggie began having complications with her pregnancy, and they tried to get her to the Hilltop. Everyone was captured by Negan and his Saviors. Negan killed Abraham and Glenn. Carol woke up in The Kingdom and met King Ezekiel. Daryl was taken to the Sanctuary, where Dwight began his program of psychological torture. And Maggie made it to the Hilltop and decided to stay. Whew!

Most Comic Book Accurate Episode

There were so many this season, it's hard to choose. The season opener featured tons of dialogue from Negan that was taken directly off the page. Something They Need featured a near rape scene that was very comic accurate (other than the fact they substituted Sasha for Holly). There were many other episodes that featured moments taken straight out of the comic.

In the end I'm gonna have to give the award to Sing Me A Song (the one where Carl infiltrates the Sanctuary and Negan takes a shine to him). Most of the plot, nearly all the dialogue and even the stage directions in this episode were ripped straight off the page.

Interminable Pregnancy Award

This one's easy, as it has to go to Maggie Green-Rhee!

She first announced she was pregnant in the Season 6 episode Now, which aired on November 8, 2015. It's now April 2017, and somehow she's STILL pregnant. Even more puzzling, she's not even showing yet!

The point at which pregnant women start to show varies wildly from person to person of course, but it's generally accepted that it happens at the beginning of the second trimester,  which is around the four month mark. That means that approximately four months have passed on the show since November of 2015!

Worst Shot Award

Rosita Espinosa, come on down!

In Hearts Still Beating, Negan wanders into Alexandria and Rosita decides it's the absolute best time to use her one and only bullet (made by Eugene) to kill him. Despite the fact that she's standing literally five feet away from him, her magic bullet somehow manages to miss his head and lodge in Lucille. Groan!

Either Rosita is the world's worst shot or Negan is secretly a Jedi, and used Lucille like a light saber to stop the bullet.

Most Contrived Zombie Killing Method
Goes to Rick & Michonne, for their cool, yet absolutely ridiculous "Zombie Clotheslining" trick in Rock In The Road.

See, Rick and Michonne just happen to find two cars with a taut steel cable stretched between them, that just happen to be fully gassed, just happen to be facing the same way on opposite sides of the road, and just happen to be positioned on a curiously empty stretch of highway. It's like the entire situation was set up specifically so they could mow down a herd of walkers. Amazing!

I could see something like this happening in a comedy/horror film like Zombieland, Scout's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse or even Z Nation, but it seemed wildly out of place on The Walking Dead.

Pox-Eclipse Award

Goes to Jadis the Scavenger in New Best Friends!

The Scavengers all pepper their speech with weird, incomprehensible slang, like they live in some futuristic post apocalyptic movie like The Hunger Games or Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

According to some Walking Dead websites, the zombie outbreak started less than three years ago. That's hardly enough time for such drastic changes to develop in any community's language, no matter how isolated they may be. Such deviation would take hundreds of years. She speaks like she's from a society that's forgotten the old ways of her ancestors, who lived inside towers made of glass and rode metal birds in the sky.

Any second I expected her to start talking about the "Pox-eclipse" and say, "Time after time I've done the Tell. But this ain't one body's Tell. It's the Tell of us all." 

Worst Special Effect Award

It's a tie! The Award goes to the Rick Garbage Dump Vista in New Best Friends and the Bambi Shot in Say Yes.

The Walking Dead has always had pretty impressive effects for TV. That all changed this season. I don't know if AMC switched to a cheaper effects house, or they had no money left in the budget after paying for all the Shiva shots, but this season featured some of the worst CGI I've ever seen.

Coolest Walker Award

Goes to Winslow, the Armored Zombie in New Best Friends.

Dumbest Idea Award

Goes to Eugene Porter!

When Negan complains that his perimeter walkers decompose too quickly in the hot Virginia climate, Eugene comes up with a doozy of a suggestion to preserve them. This involves coating them with molten metal to both armor and protect them.

Ehhhhh... I don't see any way this could work. Tin has one of the lowest melting points for a metal at 400º F. That's still hot enough to burn through a walker's skull or cook its brain into mush, rendering it useless.

Plus it seems like it would be hard for a walker to even lift its limbs if they were coated with heavy metal. And the sun beating down on all that metal is gonna turn the armor into an oven, effectively cooking the walker inside.

No Kids Allowed

Goes to Negan and the Sanctuary!

After Eugene starts living in the Sanctuary, he finds a stuffed animal and takes to carrying it around. This brings up an interesting question: Are there kids in the Sanctuary? If so, we've yet to see any. You'd think there'd have to be at least one or two running around somewhere. Does Negan not like kids, and so outlawed them in his little kingdom? 

Actually there don't seem to be kids in ANY of the communities, except for the Kingdom

Architectural Award

Goes to Whoever Fixed Alexandria's Walls!

The first time we saw Alexandria back in Season 5, the wall surrounding the community was held up by supports struts on the OUTSIDE. I pointed out that this seemed like a very bad idea, as a large enough horde of walkers could simply push the wall inward. Or someone like Negan could knock out the supports and bring down the wall that way. In Say Yes, it appears the walls have finally been fixed, as the supports have been moved to the INSIDE.

Least Efficient Way To Kill Walkers Award

Goes to Carol Peletier.

In Bury Me Here, Carol sees five paltry zombies milling around. Instead of just shooting them or dispatching them quickly with her knife, she grabs an old traffic sign, somehow hauls it up into a tree, sits on a platform and then uses the jagged end of the sign to stab the walkers as they lurch toward her.

Diversity Award

Goes to The Kingdom.

In Bury Me Here we see one of the residents is Nabila, a hijab-clad Muslim character.

I am 99% convinced that her inclusion is meant as a big "F*ck You" to Donald Trump and his ridiculous, ineffective and unconstitutional Muslim Travel Ban. Her appearance is too perfect to be coincidental.

Much Ado About Nothing Award

Goes to both The Kingdom and the Sanctuary.

In Bury Me Here, Simon brings a squad of Saviors all the way to The Kingdom (which we now know is about a two hour drive) to pick up a dozen melons. That's it! Twelve melons. When he sees they're one short, he actually comes back the next day to pick up the twelfth.

Those must be some damned good melons!

Symbolism, Thy Name Is The Walking Dead Award

Goes to the episode Bury Me Here.

The Walking Dead has never been particularly subtle when it comes to symbolism. Remember last year's Start To Finish, in which a horde of hungry ants swarms all over a plate of food in Sam's room, shortly before Alexandria's overrun by zombies? This week's episode takes the visual metaphors to hilariously obvious heights.

Nibila informs King Ezekiel that there are weevils infesting the Royal Garden. Hmmm... some kind of pest infesting the place. I wonder what that could possibly mean?

At one point Carol's working in her garden, and literally sees a storm looming on the horizon! I honest to god laughed when I saw that one.

After Benjamin's killed, Morgan inadvertently refers to him as Duane, which was his late son's name. Do... do you think it's possible Morgan might have thought of Ben as a son?

Later Ezekiel and Henry plant a new garden, one without pests. Could it be that this represents King Ezekiel's decision to finally fight back and rid themselves of the Saviors once and for all?

Whew! That's it for the Annual Awards! See you next season!