Under WHERE?

For good or ill, the new Superman er, Man Of Steel movie opened today. It definitely looks good, but there are several things in the trailer that are raising red flags in my mind. I'm trying my best to not let my hopes get too awfully high for any movie, lest they be dashed on the rocks again (I'm lookin' at you, Iron Man 3 and Star Trek Into Darkness).

One thing I already absolutely, positively can't stand before I even see a frame of the film is the disturbing new Superman costume.

I hate everything about it. The dirty, dingy colors, the weird Art Deco flourishes, the arrows pointing toward his ample package (as if we could miss it!) and the scaly reptilian texture covering every inch of it. The whole thing is just downright ugly and very off-putting.

The worst part about though it is the lack of Superman's iconic red underpants. I don't know whose boneheaded idea it was to get rid of them, but they need a good firin,' and fast. Yes, I know that the "no underwear look" is how he currently appears in the comics, but that doesn't make it right. 

No matter how good the movie may turn out to be, I'm never going to be able to get over his lack of drawers. He looks positively naked without them. Something about the solid blue suit makes me very uncomfortable, like I should avert my eyes. "Hey Superman! Go put some damn pants on! There's kids over here!"

So to remedy this dire situation, I'm thinking of starting up a new Kickstarter project. I want to design some kind of computer app that will automatically superimpose a pair of red underwear over Superman's body, wherever he appears. Theaters, TV, DVD, cereal boxes, print, you name it. If you can see him, my new app will cover up his nether regions. 

Never again will you feel uncomfortable watching Superman parade around half nude in a disturbing scaly suit. With my new app you'll see him the way he was meant to be.

I figure the results of the app will look something like this. See? That's better already!

Now all I need is several hundred thousand bucks, someone who knows programming inside and out and a couple of theoretical scientists who can figure out how to project the image of a pair of red underwear over any piece of Superman merchandise that anyone anywhere happens to be looking at, worldwide, any time of the day or night. Sounds pretty simple to me.

Who's with me? Together we can change Superman back to the way he was meant to be! Fully clothed!