Friday, February 19, 2016

Why Do They Call Them Comics: Blondie, Snuffy Smith, The Family Circus And Dennis The Menace

It's been a long time since I've unfairly made fun of any comic strips, so let's right that grievous wrong immediately, shall we?

A fraction of a second later, Elmo's "hoverboard" unexpectedly exploded in a violent orange fireball. Dagwood got off easy with just a couple of scorched eyebrows, but poor Elmo wasn't so lucky. He shot up in flames like a six month old Xmas tree, and the neighbors whisper that Dagwood's still haunted by his blood curdling screams. Rumor has it they had to bury the fused remains of Elmo and his board in a shoe box.

I don't know how much lead time there is on the Blondie strip, but it must be quite a bit. Those detestable "hoverboards" are a fad that's already came and gone months ago.

Apparently Judge Judy needed a bit of extra cash, so she started writing the Snuffy Smith strip in her spare time.

"Hey, HEY! We observe Separation Of Church And State in this household, young lady! Just like the Founding Fathers intended!"

"Ha ha! Look, Dolly! You can see my words!" said Jeffy. "Everything I say keeps appearing on the ground, below our feet! Weird!" Suddenly Jeffy froze. An icy sensation began creeping down his spine, but it had nothing to do with the frigid temperatures outside.

Jeffy had the distinct feeling he was being watched. Slowly he turned around, and he could see. See an infinite, formless void stretching out behind him. "I... I see faces," he croaked in a strangled voice. "Thousands and thousands of faces, with eyes like wounds, boring into me. Watching my every movement... I can see... I can see you ALL!"

He continued gibbering away, as warm urine tricked down his leg. Dolly was frozen to the spot, terrified and unsure of what to do. Eventually she ran home to get help. She brought Mommy back with her, but not even she could get any sense out of Jeffy, who kept staring and pointing at something no one else could see.

Jeffy continued his rambling for days, until Mommy and Daddy, unable to console him, were forced to place him in the psych ward. Even under sedation, he still rambled about the ever watching faces.

One day while the nurses were busy changing his bed, Jeffy grabbed a spoon from a tray and scooped out his own eyes. "I can still see them," he cackled madly. "I can still see them!"

Wow, that took a dark turn, didn't it?

Ah, Billy's a critical thinker after my own heart. No longer can he simply enjoy things for their own sake. Nope, he's become obsessed with pointing out all the various plot holes and continuity errors in popular entertainment and blogging about them, somehow believing others are interested in his pedantic opinion.

There's another explanation, Dennis. Sometimes when there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it means your dad Henry's finally had enough of his stifling, joyless marriage, ill-mannered child and miserable home life, and is stomping on the gas pedal as he crosses over into the oncoming lane.

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