Thursday, July 7, 2016

Dash It All!

I was perusing Amazon this week, and I came across their latest pointless, er, I mean essential new product— Dash Buttons!

Yes, it's Dash Buttons, those must-have marvels of our electronic age that will streamline the tedious chore of online shopping and enrich all our lives! 


As advertised, you simply purchase one of the hundred or so different Dash Buttons from Amazon— for example, Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. When it arrives, you begin the complicated and lengthy process of hooking it up to your home's wifi and then tethering it to your smart phone. 


Days later when you've completed that task, you simply stick the Dash Button to a wall. When you run out of cat litter, merely push the button on the device and it'll beam a signal to your phone, which will place an order with Amazon. Cut to a mere two days later, and your cat litter will be delivered right to your door! What could be simpler? Well, besides sitting down at the computer and taking thirty seconds to order cat litter online. But hey, these things look cool, right? Right?


Think of the seconds you'll save by using Dash Buttons!


OK, so I could kind of see hanging this one in your laundry room and pressing it when you running low on reasonably priced $25 jugs of laundry detergent, or need another pouch of delicious looking, child-poisoning detergent "pods."

And I suppose it might be convenient to have one of these next to your throne, so you don't find yourself "stranded," if you know what I mean.

Note that even if you have Amazon Prime, it's still gonna take two days for your Quilted Northern to arrive to your door, so… get comfortable.

And I guess I could see a frazzled and harried new mother finding a use for these two Dash Buttons.

But it you're eating so much macaroni and cheese that you need a dedicated widget to order bulk shipments to your stoop, you might want to rethink your nutritional requirements.

Same goes for having cases of microwave popcorn sent to your home. And we are talking cases here, right? No one in their right mind would go to all the trouble of ordering a single box of popcorn online, right?

Who eats so much beef jerky that they need an entire pallet of it deposited on their porch?

And does anyone really need a device whose only function is to order Goldfish Crackers?

Of course after eating all those massive quantities of food, this Dash Button's probably going to come in handy.

I doubt that even the most unattractive woman in the country needs her face cream delivered in bulk.

These two might come in handy if you're filming a YouTube video.

Amazon doesn't just make Dash Buttons for household items and foods. They also inexplicably make buttons that order toys.

"Quickly! I need five hundred cases of Play-Doh, STAT! I've got to roll a thousand clay snakes between my hands by noon, or the President dies! Activate the Dash Button pronto!"

I guess this one would come in handy if you ever found yourself in an emergency in which you needed a bulk shipment of foam rubber footballs, or a gross of dart guns.

I'm guessing this Dash Button would get a lot of use in the average college dorm. Provided you hose it down before pushing it, of course.

Dash Buttons! Ask for them by name! Or don't, and just order your supplies online.

2 comments:

  1. These have been out there for months, I think. At least, I think I've been seeing ads for them on amazon for that long. I wasn't quite sure what they were. I thought maybe they were for what you describe, but ... surely ... that's totally unnecessary? As you say, can't you just take 30 seconds and add it to your basket manually?

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  2. One would think. I haven't actually used one, but as I understand it, when you press the button on the thing and it sends an order to Amazon, they send you a message on your phone (or I guess online?) and you have to confirm the order for it to go through. I'm hoping I'm just misreading that, because if true, it makes the Dash Button completely useless.

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