Monday, December 11, 2017

Christmas In December!

Since the holidays are rapidly approaching, what better time to take a snarky look at Hallmark's 2017 Xmas ornaments, that came out way back in July?

I had planned on writing this post months ago, but things have been really busy lately here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld and I'm just now getting to it. Hey, hey! No complaining! Are you paying anything for this content? No? Then zip it and enjoy it six months late!

Get comfortable while I waste a bunch of bandwidth unnecessarily mocking Hallmark and their holiday tree trimming offerings for this year!

Airplane! The Movie Sound Ornament
This is actually a pretty cool looking little ornament, especially if you're a fan of the 1980 film. The plane's based on the one in the iconic poster, and honestly I'm surprised it was possible to render it in three dimensions. I'd have thought it was one of those shapes that only works in an illustration.

The ornament features several lines from the movie, including the famous "Don't call me Shirley" joke. Sadly, like many Hallmark sound ornaments, it doesn't use the original Leslie Nielsen dialogue. Heck, they didn't even use a Nielsen sound-alike! Instead it sounds like they grabbed a guy from their Accounting Department and had him hurriedly read the line.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Aliens™ P-5000 Powered Work Loader Ornament

Next up is Ellen Ripley in her Power Loader from the awesome 1986 movie ALIENS. Because nothing says "Happy Holidays" like a woman encased in an industrial exosuit fighting a gigantic insectoid alien queen. 

Overall it's pretty well done, and filled with all kinds of fiddly and accurate detail that's likely to snap off first time it falls off the tree. It's not articulated though, so don't let your horrible unruly kids try and bend the arms like it's an action figure.

Sadly, this isn't a sound ornament, so you won't be able to hear Ripley hiss "Get away from her, you BITCH!" during your holiday festivities.

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

Beetlejuice™ You Think I'm Qualified? Sound Ornament

Again, an odd choice for an Xmas ornament, but hey, pop culture, amirite? Nice attention to detail there with the fake grass, just like Adam Maitland used in his model of the town.

This is another sound ornament, and surprisingly it appears they used Michael Keaton's actual dialogue from the movie! Interesting!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Hallmark Keepsake Bouncing Bunny Spring Easter Ornament 2017
Um... Looks like someone at the Hallmark Home Office is woefully confused here. Who the hell hangs an Easter ornament on an Xmas tree? 


Suggested retail price: $9.95.

STAR TREK: The Next Generation™ Captain Jean-Luc Picard And Lieutenant Commander Data Sound Ornament

Not a bad sculpt of the two characters. Picard's doing his patented "Make it so" gesture with his right hand, which is nice. His face though looks like he's thinking, "Data's still standing uncomfortably close behind me, isn't he?"

It appears the hanging hook is on the chair right above Picard's left shoulder, which is weird.

On the plus side, this ornament features the actual voices of Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner, so that's good.

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

Grease® You're the One That I Want Ornament With Music

Ah, what could be better than Xmas and Scientology?

The sound feature plays several bars of You're The One That I Want, but I don't think it's the voices of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. I'm not 100% sure though, as I'm not a big Grease fan. The only grease I like is in my food. HI-yohhhhhhh!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Skeletor Ornament

This is actually a pretty awesome ornament. It's a very nice sculpt, even if his staff is gonna end up getting broken the minute you try to stuff him back in the box.

Fun Fact: Did you know Skeletor was voiced by character actor Alan Oppenheimer, who was Dr. Rudy Wells on The Six Million Dollar Man?

I have many questions about Skeletor. Does he have purplish skin, or is he wearing some kind of form-fitting unitard? Why's he so buff? Does he spend all his free time in the gym when he's not trying to take over Eternia? Or did he just cast a fitness spell on his body? If he can magic his body into shape, then why doesn't he do something about his face? How the hell can he see with no eyes? Or talk without a tongue? Or movie his mouth without any jaw muscles?

Anyway, the suggested retail price is $19.95.

Noah's Ark Ornament

Ah, at long, long last we finally get an ornament based on the most vile story in the entire Bible (and that's saying something!). 

I'm assuming these animals' partners must all be below deck, since I only see one of each species. Maybe that's why the elephant seems so upset— he's looking for his mate who apparently fell overboard.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

PEANUTS® A Comfy Christmas For Linus Ornament

Poor Linus! Apparently his fuss-budget sister Lucy cut up his beloved security blanket and used it as a bow for this decorative Xmas wreath. He's now forced to cuddle with a rough, itchy ring of holly for comfort.

Linus is one of those characters who most definitely works best on the printed page. Any time someone tries to make a toy or three dimensional figure of him, they're always done in by his hair. It looks OK when drawn, but in 3D is looks like something's seriously and disturbingly wrong with his head. Like most of his hair fell out due to a contagious skin disease, leaving just a few sparse, lank and greasy strands that can't begin to cover his infected scalp.

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer® Won't You Guide My Sleigh Tonight? Ornament With Light

Another ornament based on a beloved story with a sinister and disturbing undercurrent. 

Due to his perceived handicap, Rudolph was shunned by Santa and his insular little North Pole society. Until they found out his disability was actually useful to them, that is. Then all the reindeer loved him!

I would pay good money to see a version of the story where everyone asked Rudolph for his help after months of treating him like sh*t, and he told 'em all to f@ck right off.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Season of Miracles Porcelain Star of David Ornament
Yeah, somebody in the Home Office is confused again. Goddamned interns!

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

The Walking Dead Michonne Ornament
Hey everyone, it's an ornament of the coolest— and most criminally underused— character on AMC's his zombie series!

I've always been a bit suspicious of Michonne's sword. It can't possibly be a real Masamune samurai sword, can it? I bet it's probably a decorative sword, from one of those weird gifts shops in the mall. Are those even real swords? Like do they really have sharp blades made of tempered steel? Or would one shatter into a million pieces the first time you tried to cut anything with it?

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

The X-Files™ Scully and Mulder Musical Ornament
It's everyone's favorite alien hunting FBI agents!

It's a good thing Scully's a doctor, so she'll be able to remove that huge metal ring from Mulder's right shoulder. Did the aliens who abducted his sister put that there?

Plays the haunting and creepy X-Files theme song.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory Sound Ornament

Everyone's favorite psychotic chocolate maker, now in Xmas ornament form!

This is the REAL Willy Wonka too, by the way. Not that disturbing poser from the horrible 2005 Tim Burton version.

Best of all, it sounds like they used actual dialogue from the film.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Star Wars™ Imperial Stormtrooper™ Mystery Box Music Ornament

Oh boy, a tiny Star Wars stormtrooper helmet to hang on your Life Day tree!

Ugh, this is a "Surprise Keepsake," meaning it comes in three possible colors (white, black or red), but you won't know which color you're getting until you get the goddamned thing home and open it up. Screw you, Hallmark! Where do you think you are, Japan? They're famous for pulling that sh*t with their toys. 

Don't fall for this horrible, horrible marketing scam. When you're in your local Gold Crown Hallmark Store, feel free to open one of these boxes, take out the ornament and make sure it's the color you want. If not, throw it on the floor and open another, until you find the proper one. And don't pick up the discarded ones either! Leave them for the Hallmark employees to pick up. It's the only way they're gonna learn that we will not put up with this surprise content bullcrap.

Plays the Imperial March.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Star Wars™: The Force Awakens™ Luke Skywalker™ Ornament

Huzzah! It's an ornament of Elderly Luke Skywalker, from the final five seconds of 2015's The Force Awakens. remember how much we all loved Luke in the one hundred and twenty frames in which he appeared? What an integral part of the movie he was!

Best of all, even if you're not a Star Wars fan, Old Luke can still come in useful. In a pinch he can double as one of the Three Wise Men if you misplace any from your Nativity set!

Suggested retail price: $17.95.


Star Wars™ Death Star Tree Topper

This is a rarity in the world of Hallmark ornaments, as it was actually released last year! It's very unusual for them to sell an ornament two years in a row. Unheard of even!

Of course when an ornament costs a whopping hundred smackers, it's only natural that you're gonna be left with an entire warehouse full of 'em, and you're gonna have to try and move them the next year. You'd think they'd have learned their lesson and lowered the price a bit though.

Suggested retail price: $99.95!

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