Thanks, But No Thanks UPDATE!

A couple weeks ago I posted that Saudi Arabia had finally decided to open its movie theaters again, after a thirty year ban. The move was made by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, in an effort to try and drag the backward country into the 21st Century.

I then made a joke saying the first American movies allowed into the country would be such recent "hits" as The Bye Bye Man, King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword, The Mummy, The Dark Tower,  The Snowman and Geostorm.

I said that seeing these horrible, horrible selections on the big screen would immediately prompt the Saudi government to ban movies again for another thirty years. Com-O-Dee!

Welp, turns out my little joke wasn't too far off!

The first two American films to be shown in Saudi Arabia in thirty years will be The Emoji Movie and Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie. Incredibly this is NOT a joke this time, but the bizarre and amazing truth.

Look for the real-life ban to commence in 3, 2, 1...

It Stinks!

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about the fact that Sony's doing a "Sh*t Happens" joke on the poster for The Emoji Movie, their upcoming CGI children's film.

There've been a couple of developments since then, that need to be discussed in minute detail as if they really matter.

First of all, this week I found out that Sir Patrick Stewart is the voice of the Poop character in the movie. Yes, that Patrick Stewart. Captain Picard himself. Knight of the Order of the British Empire. Member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. And he's playing a character called "Poop." 

Apparently all that time he's spent around Seth Macfarlane has driven him fully insane. Enjoy that fat paycheck, Sir Patrick!

Secondly, after several years of disappointing theatrical flops, Sony is reportedly considering selling its movie and TV operations. Sony ended 2016 in fifth place, behind Disney (of course), Warner, Fox and Universal. 

It's not hard to see why the studio's faltering. Here's a list of the many, many blockbuster films they've released in just the past three years.

The Monuments Men • Robocop • Stalingrad

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 • 22 Jump Street • Think Like A Man Too

Sex Tape • The Equalizer • Fury • The Interview • Chappie

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 • Aloha • Pixels • Ricki and the Flash

Hotel Transylvania 2 • The Walk • Goosebumps • Freaks of Nature

Spectre • The Night Before • Concussion • The 5th Wave

The Brothers Grimsby • Money Monster • Angry Birds • The Shallows

Ghostbusters 2016  • Sausage Party • The Magnificent Seven

Inferno • Passengers

Holy Crap! Now that's a terrible lineup. There may be one or two decent films in there, but 95% of them range from mediocre to downright horrendous. How the hell can one studio consistently put out so much utter crap?

A source at Sony claims the studio hasn't committed to a sale just yet, because they're waiting to see how The Emoji Movie performs at the box office (!!!). Apparently they honestly think they have a hit on their hands, and that the film'll be a franchise starter that'll miraculously save the company.

You know you're truly in trouble when you're banking the future of your company on a pile of talking sh*t!

Posters Happen

I saw this poster for the upcoming CGI animated opus The Emoji Movie.

First of all, there's apparently going to be a movie about emojis. 

Secondly, really, Sony? We're doing "Sh*t happens" jokes in kids' movies now? How positively delightful.

At the risk of turning this into another anti-Trump rant, I guess this is where we are now as a society. When our President boasts about grabbing pussies, it's only natural that children's films feature singing and dancing piles of sh*t.

We're very near the end of civilization.