Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Meh

Last weekend I saw The Amazing Spider-Man, Sony's incredibly unnecessary remake or reboot or remoot or rebake or the Spider-Man franchise.

I'll write up a review of it another day. In the meantime I want to call attention to the new spider suit, or costume if you will.

Just look at the texture on the red sections of the suit, or costume if you will! Tell me that it's not made of basketballs. Go ahead, tell me! Look at it! Convince me if you can that Peter Parker didn't steal a bunch of scuffed-up basketballs from his high school, slice them up and sew them together into a suit, or costume if you will.

Once again the filmmakers apparently believe that a simple colorful suit made of ordinary spandex is too plain and pedestrian for today's sophisticated and discerning audience. Therefore they have to festoon the suit, or costume if you will, with a dizzying array of intricate and near-microscopic textures in a desperate attempt at production value.

I couldn't enjoy the movie as much as I could have because of the damn suit, or costume if you will. Every time they showed a closeup of it, all I could think about was "basketballs" and then I'd think about the time my dad forced me to play Biddy Ball at the Boy's Club in order to get me "out of the house," and how he disagreed with everything the coach said so he ended up pulling me off the team and forming a team of his own, with him as the coach of course, and then suddenly I was the coach's son and all the other kids on the team resented me, and... well, before I knew it the end credits were rolling and I don't even know if Spider-Man beat Lizard-Man or not.

I tell you this, this Peter Parker kid in the movie is wasting his talents fighting crime. Sure he's got the proportional strength of a spider and can swing through the streets on an artificial web of his own invention, but that's nothing compared to his sewing skills! Somehow, with no prior experience and without the assistance of a sewing mannequin, he managed to construct a perfectly form-fitting suit, or costume if you will, for himself, complete with multiple panels of different colors and textures that all fit together seamlessly. He even added sleek form-enhancing piping trim to the suit. And all out of old basketballs. This kid is quite the seamster (masculine form of seamstress, of course).

Radioactive blood? Try radioactive clothing design abilities!

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