Friday, March 1, 2013

I Am Spurious Yellow

Last weekend I went to the cineplex, and while waiting in line for my $4.99 each popcorn and drink (or get the Combo Deal for only $10!) I saw this poster for the new film Escape From Planet Earth.

Didn't see it, won't see it, have zero interest in ever seeing it. It looks like nothing more than a pastiche of every CGI log that Hollywood's squeezed from its supple, spray-tanned ass cheeks in the past six or seven years and I guarantee you that at some point during the run time there's a montage set to Smash Mouth's All Star.

But Bob, you're saying, lighten up! Take your medicine! It's just a kid's movie, for Thor's sake! Doesn't matter. Just because it's for an undiscerning audience of kids who haven't developed taste yet is no excuse for turning out crap. And derivative crap, to boot!

Don't believe the derivative part? OK then, look closely at the poster. Notice the yellow-uniformed goons chasing the lead characters. Do they look familiar to you? Does it feel like you've seen them somewhere before? No?

How about now?

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then what is blatant duplication?

That rustling noise you hear isn't the wind in the leaves, it's the sound of a thousand Disney lawyers stuffing legal pads into their Armani briefcases.

Then there's this. Maybe not in the same ballpark, but definitely on the same block. 

What the hell is it with CGI henchmen and the color yellow? Is it some kind of law or something?

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