Monday, September 9, 2013

MasterChef Massacre

I stopped watching live TV a couple of years ago so I just became aware of this today. Apparently Fox is currently airing a show called Junior MasterChef, a kid's version of their MasterChef program.

Like the adult version, it's hosted by profanity-spewing professional chef and all around ass-hat Gordon Ramsay.

What cocaine-addled network executive thought this would be a good idea?

There's only one reason anyone would ever watch this show: to see Gordon Ramsay freak out and shriek obscenities at a ten year old until they break down in tears while trying their best to cook franks & beans without scorching them.

"You. What's yer name?"

"T-tina."

"What is this supposed to be, Tina?"

"F-franks and beans."

"Don't you ƒ@¢#ing lie to me! Where are the ƒ@¢#ing franks? All I see are ƒ@¢#ing beans! Did you even ƒ@¢#ing put any ƒ@¢#ing franks in your ƒ@¢#ing franks and beans?"

"I... I don't..."

"LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU ƒ@¢#in' LIE TO ME, YOU LITTLE GOBSHITE!! I'm a ƒ@¢#in' chef and I ƒ@¢#in' hate liars!"

"There's some franks in there, but they must have burned up and disappeared."

"YOU ARE SUCH A ƒ@¢#ing LIAR! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ƒ@¢#ing FIVE YEARS OLD? (Flings pot across room, where it splashes against the wall in a spectacular spray of dark red sauce). THAT IS THE WORST ƒ@¢#ing FRANKS AND BEANS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE ƒ@¢#ing LIFE! IT'S SO ƒ@¢#ing BAD THAT IT'S MAKING YOUR ƒ@¢#ing DOG DIE AND YOUR PARENTS GET DIVORCED! CLEAN IT UP!!!"

Junior MasterChef airs Fridays at 8pm on Fox.

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