Thursday, August 21, 2014

This Week In Horrifying Movie Theater News

This week several major movie chains in China announced that they're experimenting with a system that will allow real-time commentary– during the film. Audiences can now text their opinions about the movie they're watching and they'll be flashed on the screen for everyone to read. 

These "Bullet Screens" are meant to appeal to younger audiences "who can't spend five minutes away from their phones." Apparently most people in China watch movies on their phones and are already texting their opinions to everyone they know, so theaters have apparently thrown up their hands in defeat and have begun catering to them.

The new screens are already in use in select theaters in Beijing and Shanghai.

On the other side of the globe, a Lodi Stadium 12 movie theater in LA was temporarily closed after moviegoers complained they were bitten by bedbugs during a film. A pest control company was called in, and found "small pockets of bedbugs in limited areas of the theater." The theater was fumigated and management plans to perform regular inspections from now on.

Jesus wept


Honest to god, I'm having trouble deciding which of these stories is more horrifying.

What kind of self-important asshole thinks that anyone else in the audience cares what they think about a film? And who would pay to have half the screen covered up by some idiot's texts? 


It's bad enough that you have to endure people talking, babies screaming and idiots kicking the back of your seat while you're trying to watch a movie. Now they want us to have to deal with audience members' "hilarious" texts? If this trend ever reaches our shores, I'm afraid it'll have to happen without me. I'll be home watching movies on DVD and blu ray in peace and quiet.

I blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this unholy trend. As much as I love that show, it's had the unfortunate side effect of making everyone think they're a world class comedian whose every utterance is comedy gold. The cold hard truth is that few if any audience members are at the level of Joel, Mike and the bots, and their "funny" comments thud to the floor like bricks. Keep your goddamned texts to yourself, please and thank you.

As for bedbugs in theaters– how the hell is this happening? I've lived my entire life without ever hearing a peep about bedbugs, and suddenly in the last five years they've become an epidemic. 


I could understand it if this was the 1800s, but it's the goddamned 21st Century! We should have moved past this kind of thing hundreds of years ago. What's next, smallpox? Consumption? Spanish flu?

Excuse me while I board up the windows and refuse to ever leave my house again.

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