Wednesday, October 22, 2014

What Are Jittery Soccer Moms Offended By This Week?

This week, Susan Schrivjer, a Florida mother with way too much time on her hands, entered her local Toys R Us store and was appalled to find out that they actually sell toys.

Schrivjer, who really needs to learn how to spell her last name, was shocked and stunned when she saw Breaking Bad action figures on the shelves. She predictably started a petition protesting the sale of such items in a children's toy store.

"Toys R Us is well known around the world for their vast selection of toys for children of all ages. However their decision to sell a Breaking Bad doll, complete with a detachable sack of cash and a bag of meth, alongside children's toys is a dangerous deviation from their family friendly values" said Schrivjer, who is renowned for knowing what's best for the rest of the country.

"Kids mimic their action figures, if you will," said the well known stick-in-the-mud. "Do you want your child in an orange jumpsuit?"

Jesus wept. This is why we can't have nice things. 

First of all, what a timely observation, Ms. Schrivjer! These figures have been hanging on the pegs at Toys R Us for at least two years now, and nobody said boo until now. I'd say that's a good indication they're not going to cause the downfall of our civilization.

Second, if your kid, or any other kid wants one of these figures, which I find unlikely, whatever happened to saying "no?" Saying no and letting the rest of the population get on with their lives, instead of trying to force your uptight values on the rest of us.

She's really gonna need her fainting couch when she finds out they sell Game Of Thrones and Walking Dead figures as well!

Look morons, here's the deal. Whether you like it or not, some comics are for adults, some video games are for adults, and some toys are for adults. Get that through your heads. That's the way it's been for many years.

These toys are clearly made for adult collectors. Adult as in grown up, not as in "bowm chica bowm bowm." They're in the adult collector aisle, which is a thing at Toys R Us, and they're plainly marked as being for adults. 


No kid is going to want these toys anyway. Kids want superheroes and Power Ranger figures. They have zero interest in an unarticulated figure of a grizzled guy in a hazmat suit. If they even see these figures at all, they're going to glance at them for a second and then move on.

How the hell would a kid even know what they are in the first place? If your kid is watching Breaking Bad, you've got bigger problems that what Toys R Us stocks on its shelves.


I don't get why this panicky busybody's opinion carries so much weight in the first place. So she doesn't like what Toys R Us sells. So don't shop there! Go to Target or Walmart and let the rest of us live our lives, free of her misguided beliefs. Why doesn't Toys R Us just tell her to go pound sand and be done with it?

If the Jittery Soccer Mom Brigade really wants something to fuel their outrage, what about the entire aisle of Burly Men In Speedos, er, I mean the Wrestler Figure aisle marketed toward little boys?

Or Mattel's line of slutty Bratz dolls. Surely those aren't sending out a positive message. Where's all the sturm and drang over those?

As if all this wasn't enough, Toys R Us announced today that they're caving and pulling the Breaking Bad figures from their stores nationwide. Sigh. 

Damn you, Toys R Us. God damn you and the lily-livered, cowardly giraffe you rode in on. One brittle, overprotective helicopter parent complains because she fears her precious snowflake is going to see a flippin' toy and immediately start cooking meth, and you fold like a cheap card table.

Shame on you, and everyone who supported this nut job and her asinine petition.

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