Tuesday, February 3, 2015

One Ring To Rule The Class

This week a fourth grade student in Texas (Why is it always Texas? Or Florida? What is it with those states?) was suspended from school after threatening to use his magic ring against a classmate.

Aiden Steward, of Kermit Elementary School, was suspended after telling a fellow student he possessed the One Ring and was going to use it to "make him disappear." 

Kermit Elementary School Principal Roxanne Greer defended the decision, stating that threats to another child's safety— even when imaginary or of a magical nature— constitute terrorism and would not be tolerated. 

Steward's father told reporters he couldn't believe his son was suspended for such a preposterous reason. He released a statement saying, "I assure you my son lacks the magical powers necessary to threaten his friend's existence. If he did, I'm sure he'd bring him right back."

Despite the father's flippant attitude, the school's actions were entirely warranted. Said Greer, "In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. It cannot stay here."

She went on to ominously add, "One Ring to rule the class, one Ring to taunt them, one Ring to bully them all and in the coat room pants them!"

When asked where he acquired the One Ring, Steward claimed he cut it himself from the finger of Sauron with Narsil, the broken sword of Elendil. He went on to say, "The Ring shall be an heirloom of my class. Though I buy it with great pain."

When called into the office and reprimanded, Steward reportedly offered to give the One Ring to Principal Greer, who said, "You offer it to me freely? I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this." The room then grew dark as Greer stood and seemed to grow in stature. Her voice took on a booming, echoing quality as she roared, "In the place of a Principal you would have a Superintendent! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning Role Call! Treacherous as the slick, freshly waxed floors! Stronger than the foundations of the monkey bars! All students shall love me and despair!"

She then reverted to normal, saying, "I have passed the test. I will diminish and go into the Western School District, and remain Principal Greer." She took her seat at her desk and asked her secretary to bring in the suspension forms.

Reporters attempted to contact Texas School Superintendent Bill Boyd to speak on the matter, but he declined to comment.

Really? Bill Boyd? In a story about Lord Of The Rings? Are you frakin' kidding me? Once again, the jokes are writin' themselves today.

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