Wednesday, May 27, 2015

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Carl's Jr. Most American Thickburger

Last week fast food giant Carl's Jr. revealed their latest pants-bursting sandwich, the Most American Thickburger. Mmm-mmmm! Just look at that appetizing concoction. Yum! Oh wait, did I say "yum?" Sorry, I meant, "excuse me while I vomit into my wastebasket."

The horrifying new burger features the standard burger accouterments— a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles. But it doesn't stop there! This is America, after all. The burger also includes a layer of thick, glistening hot dogs and inexplicably, a substratum of potato chips. Because lord knows, why waste time eating three different foods separately when you can combine them into one appalling mound and stuff it down your craw all at once?

Why stop with hot dogs and chips? Why not insert french fries into the bun, and mash the whole thing into a large cup of soda?

The Most American Thickburger clocks in at a stupefying 1,080 calories. Add a large coke and fries and you're up to around 2,400 hundred calories, which is close to the amount the average adult should consume in a day. 

It might not be so bad if this is all a person ate for the entire day, but we all know that's not going to happen.

According to Andy Puzder, chief executive officer of the Carl's Jr. parent company, the Most American Thickburger is designed to appeal to "young, hungry guys." Notice that he didn't mention people with dignity, self esteem and taste.

Said Puzder, "People love these big, juicy, indulgent burgers. We know who we are and we know how to appeal to our customers."

When criticized for contributing to America's obesity epidemic, Puzder defended the burger by saying, "My job isn’t to dictate to people what to eat. My job is to figure out what people want and sell it to them." 

Wow. That sounds remarkably like what cigarette company executives say when they try to justify selling cancer causing products to the public.

Amazingly the Most American Thickburger comes in 1/2 and 1/3 pound sizes, and will set you back around $6. New, larger pants and diabetes medicine not included.

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