Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/27/16)

This week scientists announced that an increasing number of two headed sharks are being discovered in the world's oceans (!).

Scientists are unsure what's causing the extra noggins to form, or how to prevent the phenomenon from escalating. Some believe the spare heads are due to over fishing. This leads to less sharks in the ocean, which leads to a smaller gene pool, which leads to inbred, mutant fish with excess pates.

Other scientists believe that the terrifying idea of a shark with two goddamned people-munching heads is no cause for alarm. They claim that the number of double-skulled sharks is the same as it's always been, and the fact that more people are studying the creatures and publishing their findings is giving the illusion the aberrant population is increasing.

Whatever the reason for the seeming increase, it's a bit unnerving to think that Asylum Studios actually predicted this.

What'll Asylum get right next, sharks with three heads? Oh, wait...

This week Trumpy said he would appoint former Mitt Romney as his Secretary Of State, on the condition that the former presidential candidate publicly apologize for all the mean things he said about him during the election.

I'm no fan of Romney, as I think he's a smug, entitled bastard who's who's had everything handed to him his entire life. Plus his name is Mitt. But even I admit he shouldn't have to get on his knees and beg like a dog for a job. 

In a perfect world, Romney would announce a press conference and say, "I would like to formally and publicly apologize. I'm sorry that Donald Trump is an orange, petulant man-baby who's massive ego is so fragile it can't stand a little legitimate critcism. Romney out (drops mic and leaves)."

This I saw a TV commercial for Perfect Smile Veneers, the incredible new dental product that's sweeping the nation.

What are Perfect Smile Veneers, you ask? They're a flexible, rubbery "dental appliance" not unlike a set of novelty Billy Bob hillbilly teeth, that really stretch the definition of the word "veneer." They fit over your existing unsightly fangs, giving you an instant Hollywood-quality smile!

Just heat the Perfect Smile veneers in boiling hot water, fish them out as you burn your fingers and press the molten hot plastic choppers to your existing teeth for a custom, one-of-a-kind fit.

Note that Perfect Smile Veneers are only available in uppers. If your bottom teeth are gnarled and ghastly-looking as well, then screw you, I guess.

Best of all, Perfect Smile Veneers sell for a paltry $14.95! A fraction of the price of those expensive old porcelain dental appliances. Yes, for less than the cost of an extra large pizza, you can have a mouth full of unnaturally straight, soft, inhumanly white teeth with disturbingly blood red gums.

As you can see here, Perfect Smile dramatically improves the appearance of even the most horrifying grin. As long as you stay at least twenty five feet away from anyone at all times and never attempt to open your mouth or speak, Perfect Smile will be your little secret.

Perfect Smile even magically works if you have no teeth to speak of at all! It's amazing!

As the commercial states, Perfect Smile is, well, perfect for job interviews. Your potential new employer can't help but be impressed as you slur your responses like a common drunkard and unintentionally spray saliva all over his desk. When Mr. Johnson asks, "What's your greatest weakness?" you'll be able to say, "It sure ain't my smile!"

Perfect Smile is great for dating too! Just remember to insist that your boyfriend take you to a dimly-lit restaurant. Then smile vapidly and nod at everything he says, and absolutely, positively do not attempt to eat anything, lest your Perfect Smile Veneers unceremoniously plop into your bowl of soup.

Like most new products, Perfect Smile Veneers have a few... eccentricities. Because Perfect Smile Veneers are applied over your existing teeth, they may cause your upper lip to jut out unnaturally, not unlike Roddy McDowall in the Planet Of The Apes movies.

You'll also most likely need to relearn how to talk, as Perfect Smile Veneers tend to cause excessive lisping. Daily practice for four or five years should alleviate the problem though.

Lastly, your grandchildren may be frightened at first by your new appearance, causing them to pull away in revulsion and pose awkwardly with you in photos. They'll come around once they enter high school though.

Perfect Smile Veneers are no mere novelty product or passing fad. As you can see, they're officially endorsed by Dr. Fred Van Kuren, DMD, the "Director Of Dental Medicine," whatever the hell that means. In addition to his extraordinary credentials, Dr. Van Kuren doesn't show up in any Google search. Impressive!