Life Imitates Art Again

Sigh... this week, Glorious Leader Trump announced that (shudder) he's running for emperor  president again in 2020, should the world still exist at that time.

Apparently Trump's decided to tweak his old "Make America Great Again" campaign slogan a bit, and came up with a new and improved one. It's now "Keep America Great."

There's one major problem with this slogan— it's already been used.

It was used as a tagline by the 2016 action/horror/satirical film The Purge: Election Year. Yeah, that movie.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ On A Cracker. You couldn't deliberately write something this outlandish and horrifying if you tried. Of all the goddamned movies Trump could have aped, and he picks one about an annual government-sponsored culling of America's minorities and poor, to free up resources for the One Percent.

Obviously this campaign slogan will have to be changed, and fast. In the interest of goodwill, I have a few alternate suggestions:

How about the 1998 film Armageddon, with it's tagline "Earth. It Was Fun While It Lasted." Seems pretty apt, in light of our Beloved Leader's recent antics.

No? OK, then how about 2004's Alien Vs Predator, with it's "Whoever Wins... We Lose" tagline? Seems pretty appropos, considering the way the last election went.

I've got it! Trump can use 2005's Saw II. The one whose tagline read, "Oh Yes, There Will Be Blood."

I've got it! The perfect tagline to celebrate the spine-chilling notion that the man currently occupying the White House could very well do so until 2024. 1986's The Fly, with its shockingly accurate tag, "Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid."

It's A Perfectly Cromulent Word

The Man From Another Place has a special message for Glorious Leader Trump.

Today's Trump Tidbit: The Emperor's First Overseas Trip

Back in February, I decided I was going to start a new feature here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, in which I would chronicle all the batsh*t insane things our Glorious Leader Trump did each week.

Sadly, I threw in the towel after just two installments. It was literally impossible to keep up with all the crap that Trumpy did and said on a daily basis. It would take me twelve or fourteen hours a day, every day. I am not kidding. It's that bad.

So I've contented myself with occasionally talking about the REALLY outrageous things he says and does. Like these!

Gods help us, but this week Emperor Cheeto's taking his first foreign trip since becoming president.

His first stop was Saudi Arabia, where First Lady Melania chose not to wear the traditional head scarf, which is required of all women who appear in public.

Note that it's not required for foreign-born women to cover their heads, and most don't.

You can probably guess where this is going. Back in 2015, Trumpy blasted Michelle Obama for not wearing a scarf when she traveled to the country...

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Trumpy took country music singer Toby Keith with him to Saudi Arabia to perform at a concert there.

You know, the same Toby Keith who wrote such touching ballads as Whiskey Girl, Drunk Americans and I Love This Bar. Songs that are sure to go over well in a country that's outlawed the drinking of alcohol and the mixing of sexes in public. Well done, Don!

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Is everything OK in the Trump household? Any marital spats, resentment or tensions that have been simmering for months, only for the stress of overseas travel to cause them to bubble to the surface?

The reason I ask is that Melania seems unwilling to hold hands with the Commander-In-Chief.

Here they are on a red carpet in Saudi Arabia. Note how she visibly swats him away as he attempts to hold her hand.

And here they are the next day, exiting Air Force One. Note that Trumpenstein reaches for Melania's hand and... DENIED! She jerks it away with lightning speed, pretending to adjust her hair rather than have her husband try to wrap his tiny, clammy digits around her hand.

It's obvious from these incidents that the First Lady recoils in revulsion at her husband's very touch. Honestly, who could blame her?

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On Day Two of Trumpy's Saudi Arabia visit, he reportedly dropped out of an event due to "extreme exhaustion," sending his daughter instead.

Hmm. Didn't he tweet something about this topic a year or so ago? Something about stamina?

Ah, here we go! I guess traveling to another country and shaking hands with various dignitaries must be MUCH more stressful than running an entire country!

Does Trump understand that we can still see everything he ever tweeted?

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No time to rest for Glorious Leader! On day three, he visited Israel's National Holocaust Memorial Center in Jerusalem.

As he left the museum, he signed the guest book, writing:

"It is a great honor to be here with all my friends. So amazing and will never forget."

That... doesn't seem like an appropriate sentiment for such a solemn institution. Did... did he think he was signing someone's yearbook?

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The whirlwind tour continued, as Emperor Cheeto visited the Vatican on Wednesday, for a meeting with none other than Pope Francis! And the Pontiff couldn't have been happier to meet the leader of the free world!

Just look at the Pope's jubilant expression! He's so ecstatic he can barely stay in the frame!

It should be a law that from this day forward, any and all books about Body Language MUST include this photo.

I imagine this photo session went something like this:

Photographer: "OK, everybody smile now. Your Holiness, could you scooch in a bit to your right?"

Pope: "Just take the goddamned picture!"

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Lastly, on Thursday Trumpy attended a NATO conference in Brussels, to mark the nation of Montenegro becoming an official member of the organization.

After the meeting, Glorious Leader physically grabs Dusko Markovic, the Prime Minister of Montenegro, and literally shoves him out of the way so he can get a good spot in front of the cameras. He then just out his chin as he theatrically adjusts his jacket, in a typical display of dominance.

Congratulations, Trumpy! We're now at war with Montenegro!

Only two days left on his trip!

Today's Trump Tidbit: The Constitution, The First Amendment, The Civil War And The Philippines

Wow! It's been a busy few days for Glorious Leader, as he rushed from interview to interview, spewing his patented incoherent ramblings and threats to our way of life to anyone who pointed a mic in his direction. 

Let's take a look at a few of the things our beloved president recently said, shall we?

During an interview with Fox News, Glorious Leader actually denounced the Constitution Of The United States Of America, blaming it for many of the problems and setbacks his administration has faced during his first one hundred days in office. Said Trump:

“It’s a very rough system. It’s an archaic system. It’s really a bad thing for the country.”

Jesus Fucking Jet-skiing Christ On A Motherfucking Cross!!!

Yes, Don, the Constitution is bad for the country, if by bad you mean "a safeguard to prevent would-be tinpot dictators like yourself from doing whatever the hell they want, with no way to keep them in check."

There's a slight possibility that Trumpenstein may have been talking about the filibuster process here, which actually is an outmoded and often counterproductive facet of our Constitution. If so, he should have clarified this, and not attacked the Constitution as a whole. Heh. Donald Trump actually clarifying something. What am I thinking?

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Meanwhile in an interview with ABC, White House Chief of Staff and Member of Slitherin House Reince Priebus actually said the president is thinking about amending or even abolishing the First Amendment of The Constitution, in an effort to eliminate what Trump considers to be unfair media criticism. Said Priebus: 

“I think it’s something that we’ve looked at. How that gets executed or whether that goes anywhere is a different story.”

I... I don't even know how to respond to that. Is this real life? If the idea of the Trump administration wondering how to eliminate the First Amendment doesn't send a trickle of pee down your leg, you're already dead.

For those of you scoring at home, the First Amendment is the one that, among other things, guarantees free speech. You know, the one that allows me to say I think Trump is a bloated, orange, semi-sentient despot with a rotted pumpkin for a head.

Despite my white-hot loathing for our "president," I admit there's a lot of misinformation in the media these days. You might even call it "fake news." But shutting down the goddamned First Amendment is not the way to fix it. You don't burn down your house because the faucet's dripping.

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Is Donald Trump smarter than a fifth grader? No. No he is not.

In yet another interview, this time with Sirius XM Radio (?), Trump went on an unintelligible and unhinged stream-of-consciousness rant about Andrew Jackson. Said Trump:

“I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart, and he was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, ‘There’s no reason for this.’ People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question. But why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”

The President Of The United States Of America, ladies and gentlemen! Jesus wept. I need to go lie down in a dark room. I'm getting one of my sick headaches.

First of all, I'd just like to point out that Andrew Jackson died in 1845, sixteen years before the Civil War even began. Trumpy seemingly realizes this at first, but then forgets it again in his very next sentence.

Trump's claim that Jackson "had a big heart" seems dubious at best as well. At the time of his death, Jackson owned around one hundred and fifty slaves, who lived and worked on his Hermitage plantation. He also signed the Indian Removal Act, which uprooted tens of thousands of Native Americans from their land. Jackson forced them to trudge westward on a literal death march, in a little incident called The Trail Of Tears. 

Oddly enough, Trump has often compared himself to Andrew Jackson (!), no doubt accounting for his romanticized and completely nonsensical view of him.

Additionally, Trump honestly doesn't seem to know why the Civil War was fought. Christ on a cracker, do I even have to go into this one? Slavery, Don. The Civil War was fought over slavery. There's more to it of course, but that's the simple answer.

By the way, how the hell does Glorious Leader have time for all these interviews? Doesn't he have a country to undermine and destroy run?

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And if all this wasn't bad enough, this past Saturday Trump made a phone call to Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, going so far as to invite him to the White House (or more likely, Mar-a-Lago). 

Trump said the two had a "very friendly conversation," chatting about North Korea (!), as well as Duterte's efforts to rid his country of drugs.

Yeah, about that. Since becoming the Philippine president last year, Duterte's waged a bloody and grisly war on drugs in an effort to clean up the streets. The trouble is it's not just dealers being killed— many are publicly executed after having evidence planted on them, while hundreds of innocents are simply caught in the crossfire. Critics of Duterte say he's not declaring a war on drugs, but a war on the poor in his country.

Duterte is by all accounts a thug and a dictator, who has no business in the White House. So of course it only makes sense that Trump would want to rub shoulders and play a few rounds of gold with a merciless despot like this, who he obviously admires. 

Today's Trump Tidbit: Purple Hearts and 9/11

As always, it's like a full time job trying to keep up with the many tremendous things Glorious Leader says and does on any given day. Here's a sample of what he's said this week (and keep in mind it's only Tuesday!)

This past weekend Trump took time out from his busy golfing schedule to visit the Walter Reed National Medical Center. The purpose of his visit was to award the Purple Heart to Army Sergeant First Class Alvaro Barrientos, who was severely wounded in Afghanistan's Helmland province.

"When I heard about this, I wanted to do it myself," said Glorious Leader. He then pinned the Purple Heart medal on Barrientos' lapel, and blurted, "Congratulations! Tremendous!"

Jesus wept.

Does Donald Trump understand what the Purple Heart is, and why it's awarded?

Note that Barrientos' injuries resulted in the loss of his right leg above the knee. I don't think "Congratulations!" is the appropriate felicitation in such a case.

You probably think I'm nitpicking here, or trying too hard to find fault with our president. I don't think so in this case. Jesus Christ, even a child knows you don't congratulate a soldier when he's wounded. You tell him, "Thank you for your bravery and service," or "Your country salutes you for your sacrifice." His remark was insensitive and uninformed, and only served to highlight his vast ignorance. It's no different than if he told a newly widowed wife, "Way to go!"

This isn't the first time Trumpy's stuck his foot in his mouth regarding the Purple Heart. After Trump won the Republican nomination last year, a veteran took to the stage and gave him his own Purple Heart medal (for some unfathomable reason). Astonishingly, Trump actually accepted the medal and said, "I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier!"

What. The. Hell.

Oh, but we're not done! In an interview with the Associated Press on Sunday, Trump boasted about the allegedly sky-high ratings generated by his recent appearance on Face The Nation. Said Trump:

“It's the highest for Face the Nation or as I call it, 'Deface the Nation.' It's the highest for 'Deface the Nation' since the World Trade Center— since the World Trade Center came down.”

Yep. He really went there. The orange-hued Leader Of The Free World is so obsessed with image and popularity that he just equated his ratings in a meaningless interview with one of the darkest days in American history. 

Stay classy, Glorious Leader!

Let Them Eat Cake!

Back in February, I decided I was going to start a new feature here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld, in which I would chronicle all the batsh*t insane things our Glorious Leader Trump did each week.

Sadly, I threw in the towel after just two installments. Why? Because I literally could not keep up with all the crap that Trumpy did and said on a daily basis. It would take me ten hours a day, every day. I am not kidding. It's that bad.

Actually I'm glad I did give up, because listing all the bizarre things he utters and all the atrocities he's committing was frankly just too depressing.

So I've contented myself with occasionally talking about the REALLY outrageous things he says and does. Like this one!

Last Wednesday (April 12, 2017), Glorious Leader Trump sat down for an interview with Maria Bartiromo (whoever that is) of the Fox Business Network (whatever that is). Bartiromo asked Trump about his decision to bomb Syria just a few days earlier. His responses are nothing short of astonishing. Here's a just a taste of the interview:

Bartiromo: "Now, are we going to get involved with Syria?" 

Trump: "No. But if I see them using gas and using things that— I mean even some of the worst tyrants in the world didn't use the kind of gases that they used. And some of the gases are unbelievably potent. So when I saw that, I said we have to do something."

OK, he's rambling as usual, but so far not that bad.

The interview REALLY took an odd turn though, when Trump began talking about his new bestie, Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Trump: "I have a very, very good meeting with President Xi of China. I really liked him. We had a great chemistry, I think. I mean at least I had a great chemistry — maybe he didn't like me, but I think he liked me."

C'mon, Don, tell us! Did he like you, or did he LIKE YOU like you?

Trump: (still talking about President Xi) "We were going to have a 10 or a 15 minute sit-down. It lasted for three hours. Then the next day, it was another schedule, because everything is very orderly with the Chinese, frankly."

OK, subtly racist, but go on.

Trump: "And we had meetings scheduled. Well, the 15 minutes on the first day lasted for three hours. The 15 minutes on the second day lasted for two hours, just one-on-one, the two of us with interpreters. And I mean we understand each other. I think he's, you know, a person that I got along with really well. We had a good chemistry, yes."

I have absolutely no idea what the hell he's talking about here, what with his fifteen minutes that last three hours.

Here's the kicker though. Make sure you're sitting before you read his next blathering.

Trump: (still talking about his meeting with President Xi) "But I will tell you, only because you've treated me so good for so long, I have to right? I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it." 

"And I was given the message from the generals that the ships are locked and loaded, what do you do? And we made a determination to do it, so the missiles were on the way. And I said, Mr. President, let me explain something to you. This was during dessert. We've just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing."

Bartiromo: "Unmanned?"

Trump: "Brilliant. It's so incredible. It's brilliant. It's genius. Our technology, our equipment, is better than anybody by a factor of five. I mean look, we have, in terms of technology, nobody can even come close to competing. Now we're going to start getting it, because, you know, the military has been cut back and depleted so badly by the past administration and by the war in Iraq, which was another disaster."

"So what happens is I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent."

Bartiromo: "To Syria?" 

Trump: "Yes. Heading toward Syria. In other words, we've just launched 59 missiles heading toward Syria. And I want you to know that, because I didn't want him to go home. We were almost finished. It was a full day in Palm Beach. We're almost finished and I— what does he do, finish his dessert and go home and then they say, you know, the guy you just had dinner with just attacked a country?"

Bartiromo: "How did he react?"

Trump: "So he paused for 10 seconds and then he asked the interpreter to please say it again. I didn't think that was a good sign. And he said to me, anybody that uses gases— you could almost say or anything else— but anybody that was so brutal and uses gases to do that young children and babies, it's OK."

So there you have it. Our President literally cannot be bothered to learn the name of the country he just bombed, but goddamn if he doesn't love him some some desert! No matter which side of the Syria situation you're on, you cannot deny that this is some bizarre fraking behavior.

Jesus wept. You know, going on and on almost orgiastically about a goddamned piece of chocolate cake while nonchalantly sending missiles to another country is so callous. Yeah, he's bombing an enemy force, but doing so while sitting in a luxurious resort, shoveling desert into his mouth... if that isn't the definition of decadent, then I don't know what is.

It feels like something President Snow would do in The Hunger Games!

This truly is the darkest timeline...

Does Whatever An Evil, Bloated Plutocrat Can

DATELINE:WASHINGTON, D.C.— 

Today in the White House, President Trump was unexpectedly confronted by a mob of angry citizens concerned about his new national healthcare plan.

Trump immediately spun around and made several "thwip thwip" sounds with his mouth as he held out both hands, as he apparently attempted to shoot webbing from his wrists and swing away from the mob, ala Spider-Man.

After several seconds the President seemingly remembered he never developed superpowers as a result of a bite from a radioactive spider, and lumbered down the hall and into a secure wing of the White House.

Today's Trump Tidbit: D'oh!

Man, Glorious Leader's been busy this week! It's honestly tough to keep up with all the things that have spewed out of his mouth this week, and it's only Tuesday!

This week the father of a U.S. Navy SEAL killed during a military mission slammed the Trump administration, and is calling for an formal investigation into the operation.

William Owens was killed in late January, during a disastrous U.S. military raid in Yemen, authorized by President Trump.

Trump, never at a loss for words, expressed sympathy to the soldier's family, but defended himself by saying the mission was one "that started before I got here."

Yeah. That really happened.

Apparently our President is now invoking the Homer Simpson Defense. Got it.

The Voice Of Reason

Last week Glorious Leader Trump's Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a controversial and unprecedented press briefing that excluded several major news outlets.

Among those shut out were the New York Times, CNN, Politico, Buzzfeed and the majority of foreign press.

Spicer hand-picked several news agencies to attend the briefing, including NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox News, the Washington Times and the One America News Network, whatever the hell that is. Far-right racist and homophobic conspiracy theory rag Breitbart was invited to attend.

Needless to say, this is a shocking and worrying turn of events.

When questioned about the ban, Glorious Leader Trump went on an angry tirade, saying, "Many of these groups are part of large media corporations that have their own agenda. And it's not your agenda and it's not the country's agenda, it's their own agenda. They have a professional obligation as members of the press to report honestly, but as you saw throughout the entire campaign and even now, the fake news doesn't tell the truth.”

Trump went on to say that the "fake news media is the enemy of the American people."

Jesus Christ!

I'm pretty sure that "media is the enemy of the people" part is on page thirty three of the book So You Want To Undermine Your Democracy And Start A Dictatorship.

Meanwhile, former President George W. Bush was interviewed this week on the Today show. In the interview, Bush said, “I consider the media to be indispensable to democracy. We need the media to hold people like me to account. I mean, power can be very addictive and it can be corrosive and it’s important for the media to call to account people who abuse their power, whether it be here or elsewhere.”

Bush also had a few thoughts about immigration, saying, “It’s very important for all of us to recognize one of our great strengths is for people to worship the way they want to or not worship at all,” Mr. Bush said. “I mean the bedrock of our freedom— a bedrock of our freedom is the right to worship freely.”

Asked if he supported a ban on Muslim visitors to the United States, the former president said, “I am for an immigration policy that’s welcoming and upholds the law.”

Congratulations, Universe! You win! You just made George W. Freakin' Bush look like a wise elder statesman, and the voice of reason.

I need to go lie down in a dark room.

Today's Trump Tidbit: Running The Country's HARD!

Earlier this week President Trump announced that Republicans are hard at work, as they hastily look for ways to "improve" (which of course means eliminate) the Affordable Care Act.

The President said they're working on not just a good plan, but a "very good" plan, which should ease the minds of the nation's sick and invalid. He assured the country that the new plan would provide "insurance for everybody" and be "something terrific."

Trump admitted that the "repeal and replace" process hasn't been without its pitfalls."It's an unbelievably complex subject," said Trump. "Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated."

Of course you're right, Donald. No one knew health care was a complicated topic. Other than the entire insurance and medical industries, the country's hospital staff and administrators, the entire drug and pharmacy industry, the news media and of course the general public.

Jesus wept. It's like Josh from the movie Big suddenly grew up overnight and somehow became President.

Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can't, Become The New Education Secretary

This week, controversial nominee Betsy DeVos was appointed as our new Education Secretary, in a 51-50 vote. Vice President and Puritan android Mike Pence cast the deciding and historic tie-breaking vote.

DeVos has been widely criticized for weeks for her multiple conflicts of interest and her apparent lack of knowledge of basic education policy. And let's not forget that this is the woman who believes Wyoming schools should be equipped with guns, in order to "protect students from potential grizzlies."

Let's take a look at a recent tweet from Betsy's twitter account, shall we?

Oh dear...

Eh, who needs the ability to construct a grammatically correct sentence when you're a billionaire who can buy your way into the position of Education Secretary?

By the way, I did not create the above graphic, but I wish I had. I found it online and thought it was too amazing not to share. And her tweet is not Photoshopped— it's 100% real. You can go here and see the original, un-graded tweet.

Terrorist Terror-List

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, D.C.— 

Stinging from the public's disapproval of his recent Muslim Ban, a furious President Trump went on the offensive earlier this week. Trump claimed the U.S. is under constant terrorist attack, and accused the media of severely under-reporting these incidents.

The President recently spoke to troops at MacDill Air Force Base in Florida on these alleged attacks, saying, "It's gotten to a point where it's not even reported, and in many cases the very, very dishonest press doesn't even want to report it."

We're living in an era in which everyone's constantly walking around with a compact video camera in their pocket, so the idea that a major terrorist attack could ever go unreported seems dubious at best.

Nevertheless, the White House today released a list of seventy eight known terrorist attacks that were not reported by the news media. 

Here is a partial list of the alleged, under-reported attacks:

Attack on Fort Knox by the known terrorist Auric Goldfinger.
Total Loss of life: 113

Attack on the Nakatomi building by the terrorist Hans Gruber and several other German ex-patriots.

Total loss of life: 15

Destruction of the Death Star by terrorist Rebellion forces.

Total loss of life: 1,179,293

Attack on New York City by the Asgardian terrorist Loki and his Chitauri army.

Total loss of life: 1,319

Destruction of the White House in 1996 by extraterrestrial terrorists.

Total loss of life: 329

Attack on Metropolis by the Kryptonian terrorists Zod, Ursa and Non.

Total loss of life: 1,742

Destruction of the Triskelion (S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters) by terrorist forces of HIVE.
Total loss of life: 2,673

Destruction of the Death Star II by terrorist Rebellion forces.

Total loss of life: 2,471,647

Destruction of the Republic of Sokovia by the terrorist robot Ultron:
Total loss of life: 9,329

Attack on the Cyberdyne building by infamous terrorist Sarah Connor, her teenaged son and an unknown accomplice.

Total loss of life: 1

Attack on Gotham City by the terrorist Bane.

Total loss of life: 523

Bombing of the Sokovia Accords in Paris, France, by terrorist Helmut Zemo.
Total loss of life: 533

Attack on Immortan Joe's Citadel by the terrorist Imperator Furiosa.

Total Loss of life: 275

Destruction of Buenos Aires by terrorist Bugs from the Klendathu system.
Total loss of life:8,764,596. Would you like to know more?