Trump Sucks— Literally!

Sigh...

When I first saw this image, I thought for sure it was a bit from The Onion or some similar parody site. Sadly, it's all too real. You can see it over on the official trump website.

So trump, the "common" candidate who claims he's just like the everyday working man, is selling a pack of ten self-branded plastic straws for a whopping $15— plus applicable sales tax and shipping, which will likely add at least another five bucks to the total.

Note that according to the site, shipping takes twelve to fourteen business days (!). Jesus Jetskiing Christ, are you kidding me? Amazon can literally send a package to my door the day after I order it, but it takes over two weeks for trump to ship a tiny box of straws? Ladies and gentlemen, our government in action!

According to the site, these aren't just any old plastic straws, laws no. These are high-end implements, with a host of luxurious features:

• BPA Free (I have my doubts about that, as they're probably riddled with lead as well)

• Reusable & Recyclable (pretty funny, coming from the president who routinely allows oil drilling in Federally protected parks)

• 9" long (subtlety, thy name is donald j. trump!)

• Pack of 10 identical straws as shown (now THERE'S a feature worth calling out!)

• Laser engraved (woah, what is this, the 30th Century?)

• Made in USA (I would absolutely not be surprised to find these were made in a Cambodian sweatshop)

By far my favorite thing about this ridiculous product is the reason it exists in the first place. According to the website, "Liberal paper straws don't work." Because only a filthy, tree-hugging, hemp-smoking, left-leaning liberal would ever use a substandard PAPER straw! Real god-fearing, flag-lovin, wall-wanting Americans would never been seen in public with anything but a PLASTIC straw!

Jesus wept.

Welcome to the death of comedy, folks. There's no way writers can possibly come up with bits to compete with the current state of our world.