It's Rumpin' Time!

For as long as our country's existed, it's generally been frowned upon for a sitting president to profit from his time in office. And there's for damn sure never been a president who's had his own line of merch! 

But here we are.

Late last year, Convicted Felon Trump launched a line of "luxury" watches, commemorating his inauguration. Why anyone in their right mind would want memorialize that black day in our nation's history, I have no idea. But that's a story for another time.

Like everything surrounding the Embarrassment-In-Chief, these $640 timepieces were tasteless, gaudy and shoddily made.

Case in point: when the watches finally (and surprisingly) arrived, rabid MAGA zealots were shocked to see the name on the dial read "RUMP" instead of "TRUMP!" 

There may be some justice in this world after all. I can't think of a more apt typo. Plus this is typical quality control for a product endorsed by the Convicted Felon.

Now that I think about it, the "T" accidentally falling off these watch faces was a little too perfect. This HAD to be a deliberate act of "quiet sabotage" on the part of some anti-Trump worker at the factory. If so, then my hat's off to this unsung hero. Keep up the good work, sir or madam!

The only thing that would make this story more perfect is if the Orange One's name was "TASSHOLE."

The Eleventh One's Free!

I've been trying to steer clear of mentioning our former embarrassment-in-chief here on my blog, but I couldn't help myself this time.

I'm actually torn on this matter. On the one hand, it's nice to finally see the orange asshole being held accountable for a few of his many, many crimes. On the other, it's a disgraceful situation for our country, and his shame diminishes us all in the eyes of the world.

As I've said many times now, to anyone out there who told me I overreacted when trump was elected, I offer you a hearty "Fuck You."

News From The Darkest Timeline

As proof that we're all living in the Darkest Timeline, this week former president donald j. trump testified in the E. Jean Carroll trial. 

So what trouble is the gibbering shit gibbon in this time? Welp, it was a civil case in which Carroll accused him of raping her in a department store, denying her allegations and publicly defaming her. Our former president, ladies and gentlemen!

Incredibly, trump couldn't even be arsed to appear in person at his own trial, instead submitting a pre-taped video testimony. What the hell?

During the deposition, the prosecution asked trump point blank if he raped Ms. Carroll. Incredibly, his response was, "No, because she's not even my type."

Jesus Jetskiing Christ On A Cracker!

For the record, when any sane and rational human is asked a question like that, the proper response is, "Of course not!" or "No, I'm not a rapist." Saying, "Eh, she ain't my type" implies that rape would have been on the table if only he was a little more attracted to her.

Is he really that clueless and unaware? What am I saying, of course he is.

Later in the deposition, the prosecution showed trump a photo featuring himself, E. Jean Carroll, John Johnson (?) and trump's first wife Ivana. When asked to name the people in the photo, trump misidentifed Carroll as his second wife Marla Maples.

So let's see if I have this straight: trump couldn't have raped E. Jean Carroll because she just didn't float his boat, but he mistook her for his second wife— someone he presumably was attracted to. Got it.

When the prosecution pointed this out, trump made the excuse that the photo was too blurry to recognize any of the faces in it. Laws, yes. Just look at the poor quality of that picture above. Are those even people in it, or bowling pins? I honestly can't tell.

Ah, but the story doesn't end here! Once the prosecution rested its case, the jury quickly found trump liable in the case, and ordered him to pay E. Jean Carroll a whopping $5 MILLION DOLLARS! HA-ha!

It should be noted that this is actually the second time Carroll has sued trump for defamation. The first time was after he belittled her for accusing him of rape back in 2019. That case is still tied up in complicated litigation.

And now it seems Carroll may end up suing him a THIRD time! 

One day after the verdict, trump went on CNN, where he spoke about Carroll and the case: “This is a fake story. Made-up story. I have no idea who the hell she is. She’s a whack job. What kind of a woman meets somebody and brings them up, and within minutes you’re playing hanky-panky in a dressing room."

I would laugh my ass off if she sues a third time and wins another settlement! If he keeps opening his big trap, she may eventually end up a billionaire!

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times...

Hmm... A few years back I seem to recall some prominent public figure bragging that he "could kill someone in Times Square and get away with it." But I can't for the life of me remember just who that was. Ah well. Doesn't matter who said it, as no one's above the law in this country.

I actually meant to post this yesterday right after it happened, but the news gave me such a boner I couldn't get near my computer.

In all seriousness, I'm torn by this unprecedented event. On the one hand, it's a shameful day for our country, seeing a former president indicted, arrested and charged with a whopping THIRTY FOUR FELONY COUNTS. Even if he isn't convicted of any of them, it's still a black eye for our nation.

On the other hand, all I have to say is WOOHOOOO!!! It's about time that orange asshole got his comeuppance for even a fraction of his many, many crimes against America and its people. I was as giddy as a schoolgirl all day.

I'm not naive enough to think trump will ever spend even a microsecond in prison, but it was still satisfying to see him perp-walked into the courtroom and have to sit quietly before a judge while the charges against him were read. 

And once again, to everyone who told me I overreacted when this narcissistic, unrepentant thug was elected back in 2016, and that he "wasn't that bad," I offer you a hearty and sincere FUCK YOU!!!

Just In Time For Grift-Mas UPDATE!

A couple weeks ago I posted that former president donald trump was teasing a "MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT," which inexplicably turned out to be a set of NFT digital trading cards (!). Naturally the cards featured his favorite subject— him, natch— in various preposterous poses and outfits.

Against all logic and reason, all 45,000 of these "exclusive" cards sold out in just twenty four hours, netting him over $5 million bucks— confirming many pundits' suspicions that this was all part of some elaborate money laundering scam.

Jesus wept.

Ah, but it gets better!

In my original post I noted there was something off about the cards, as they all had a weird plastic sheen to them, as if they were generated by one of those AI programs that are all the rage right now. You know, the ones where you type in "trump as a superhero" and some algorithm spits out a reasonable facsimile of your request. 

Turns out it's actually worse than that!

To absolutely no one's surprise, most of the "art" seen in trumps trading cards appears to have been stolen from copyrighted images.

For example, this ridiculous shot of trump as a cowboy appears to have been taken from a duster found on both Amazon and Walmart's websites. You can tell because the creases on the right arm and left body are identical. Someone just copied the jacket to their desktop, recolored it in Photoshop and crudely pasted trump's noggin on top of it.

Same goes for this absurd image of him as a hunter. The torso and lower legs (again with identical folds and creases) were nabbed from an online catalog.

And this astonishing image of him as an astronaut was lifted from NASA's website and altered a bit.

Then there's THIS incredibly amateurish shot of trump in a tuxedo, which was stolen from the Men's Warehouse site.

Paying for clipart and using it in a project is perfectly fine— that's what it's for. But swiping images from online stores, as was clearly done here is a different matter altogether. It's a clear copyright violation and an all around sleazy move by someone who should know better.

Jaysis. Has this two-bit conman EVER been involved in any venture that wasn't at least partially illegal or criminal?

Just In Time For Grift-Mas!

All year long I've been doing my level best to ignore our country's Orange Embarrassment, but lord,y he doesn't make it easy.

Case in point: This week trump teased a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, which churned his inexplicably still-loyal base into a veritable frenzy.

What could his big announcement possibly be? Would he name his running mate for his 2024 presidential campaign? Finally see the writing on the wall and reveal he's dropping out of the race already? Announce who really shot JFK? Or would he fly to Norway and sit in one of those suicide booths they have there?

Nope! Nothing so mundane and pedestrian as those things! Instead his announcement was far more unbelievable and bizarre than anyone could have possibly imagined. Take a look see:

That's right, kids! trump's now hawking trading cards, featuring incredibly awkward images of himself in various ego-stroking poses!

Let me repeat that through cupped hands: THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SELLING TRADING CARDS IN A DESPERATE AND TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO RAISE FUNDS TO PAY FOR HIS NUMEROUS LEGAL WOES.

Yes, for the low, low price of just $99 each (!), you can own one of these priceless pieces of presidential memorabilia— that'll soon be found in flea markets all across the nation.

But these aren't your grandpappy's old school trading cards, laws no! These are NFT trading cards! Which means you're buying the idea of them, and will receive nothing tangible for your hard-earned ninety nine bucks.

An aside: I'll bet my house and its entire contents that trump has no earthly idea what the hell an NFT actually is. I work with computers every day and I can't even explain them, so I know damn good and well he's baffled by them.

Oh, and one last thing before we move on— you can't pick the card you want. Your $99 entitles you to a randomly selected collectible. So if you had your eye on the trump superhero card and get the boxer one instead, you'll have to pony up another $99 and hope for the best. Seriously!

So let's see what your $99 actually gets you, assuming you're gullible enough to fall for trump's latest grift:

First up we have an improbably muscled trump as a superhero (complete with an impressive six pack) who's shooting flames out of his eyes.

Note that this card came cropped like this, so it inadvertently spells out "RUMP TOWE." Perfection!

Before we move on, I've gotta point out that there's something off about all these images, for lack of a better word. They all have this weird artificial sheen to them, as if someone took an actual photo of trump's head and placed it on a CGI body.

They look a LOT like those AI generated images that are all the rage right now. You know, the kind where you type in "trump as a superhero" and some algorithm pumps out a reasonable facsimile of your request. 

In fact I'm convinced that's exactly what these are. There's no way in hell trump would pony up the dough to hire a bunch of actual artists to paint him, so he no doubt used an artificial intelligence to portray his artificial life.

Then there's this card of trump playing— what else, golf. And why not? He spent the vast majority of his presidency on the courses when he should have been governing, so this one's particularly apt. 

Note the bold, Leroy Neiman-esque brush strokes, in a flailing attempt to make it look arty.

Next we have a suspiciously slender trump desperately reminding everyone he was the forty fifth president, as he inexplicably plays football in his standard blue business suit. Were he to ever actually take to the gridiron in real life, I have no doubt this is actually what he'd wear.

What has two laughably large thumbs and loves gold? THIS guy! 

Did... did he insist they make his hands huge in this card? Is he really still stinging from all the "tiny hands" barbs during his presidency? Of course he is.

And once again he appears a good hundred pounds lighter than he is in real life.

Speaking of weight, there's this jewel, apparently depicting trump as a tuxedoed Slender Man. I guarantee he was NEVER this thin.

And there's that plastic sheen again all over his clothing. It's like someone decapitated him and plopped his head on a mannequin.

This wonderful card depicts trump... battling the stock market, I guess? As the markets skyrocket on the tail of trump's rocket ship? While he stands on another huge 45?

Then we have this card, featuring trump as... a Texas Ranger? This one's so bizarre I can't even think of anything snarky to say about it. Other than he'd never stand outside like this unless it was on a golf course.

Here's a card featuring good ol' 45 as a pheasant hunter. 

As baffling as it is, there're a lot of hunters and gun enthusiasts out there who are convinced that trump is "one of them," and has their best interests at heart. The sad reality of it is that trump can't stand being around these people and wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Yet still they support him, like an abused domestic partner.

This card depicts a be-suited trump as a boxer, surrounded by golden light and with a seismograph reading in the lower right corner. Or maybe that's supposed to be his signature, I'm not sure.

Again, if he were to ever enter a boxing ring, I've no doubt this is what he'd wear. The guy probably sleeps in a freakin' blue suit.

We then come to a three of the most hilarious cards in the entire set. In rapid succession we have:

trump as a NASCAR driver...

trump as a fighter pilot...

And trump as a weirdly smirking astronaut.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, what is he, six years old? These fantasy professions would be perfectly fine for a grade school kid, but for a seventy six year old man... it's just sad and pathetic. Which pretty much describes this entire exercise.

Lastly, we have what may be my favorite card of all— trump standing in the middle of the post apocalyptic ruins of our once great nation, winking at the viewer while giving yet another thumbs up, as if to say, "Yep, I did that!"

Anyway, don't wait— buy your imaginary trump cards today! Find 'em wherever illegal scams are sold!

Hall Of Abominations

Hey, remember DisneyWorld's Hall Of Presidents? You know, the attraction everyone visits just to get a few precious minutes of relief from the ridiculous Florida heat & humidity? 

I don't know what's going on there lately, but it looks like Disney's "Imagineers" have definitely lost their touch.

As proof, I present their trump robot. Or at least I think it's supposed to be trump. It looks like someone stuffed trump and Hillary into one of Jeff Goldblum's teleportation pods, flipped the switch and this unholy abomination is what issued forth from the smoke and steam.

Curiously, they seem to have absolutely nailed his artificial polyester blend hair, so I guess that's something.

The current Prez doesn't fare any better. This is allegedly the Joe Biden robot, though it looks more like Johnny Carson wearing Clint Eastwood prosthetics. And check out those black, soulless eyes! Whenever I look at them, all I hear is Quint saying, "Y'know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes."

So what the hell happened to the Hall Or Presidents? The other robots don't look nearly as bad as these two horror shows. The Lincoln one for example looks amazing and spot on. Did all the good robot sculptors die off, so they hired some new subpar ones off of Craigslist?

Maybe it's tougher to make a robot that looks like someone we've all familiar with. After all, we've all seen trump & Biden on the news a million times. We know exactly what they look like, so maybe that makes it harder to come up with a good likeness.

Who knows, maybe the Lincoln droid is just as bad, and doesn't resemble him in the slightest either. Sure, we've all seen photos of him, but no one alive today ever saw him in person. So we have no idea just how far off his robot actually is. It could be just as big a nightmare as trump & Biden!

Golden Idle

This past weekend at the annual CPAC conference (a terrifying gathering of ultra-conservative assholes), the focus was on one donald j. trump, who threatened, er, I mean announced he's going to run for president again in 2024. Jesus wept.

Predictably, his cult of sycophants ate up his rambling, incoherent speech. But the highlight of the conference was when they wheeled out a large gold statue of trump— one that was inexplicably wearing board shorts, sandals and brandishing a magic wand. What the hell?

His supporters couldn't stay away from the thing, as they were lining up to have their pictures taken with it. You might even say they were worshipping it.

Hmm... this seems familiar. Isn't there a story somewhere warning against that? In some ancient book that's supposedly important to religious conservatives?

Jesus Christ, I'm an atheist and I know their goddamned instruction book better than these so-called Christians do!

Our Long Orange Nightmare Is Finally Over!

Thank the Christ Baby Jesus. Our long, and I do mean lonnnnng, national nightmare is finally over. "President" Murder left the White House for the last time today. 

Never again will we have to look at his off-putting spray tan or rat's nest of a coif. No longer will we have to endure the vile lies spewing from his foul orifice of a mouth. Nevermore will we dread getting up and seeing what new atrocity he's committed.

It's honestly like a weight's been lifted from my chest.

I tried to warn y'all back in 2016. I told everyone I know over and over that the next four years were gonna be an absolute shit show, the likes of which we'd never seen. But everyone laughed and said I was overreacting. Yeah, well who's laughing now?

Even though I was expecting the worst, I had no idea just how bad things would actually get. For example, I didn't foresee him telling 30,000+ lies over his four year team, nor did I expect him to be impeached 2, count 'em TWO times. I also failed to predict his mishandling of the pandemic that's killed 400,000 Americans (so far), along with his inciting a violent armed insurrection meant to overthrow the government and turn the country into a dictatorship.

But at last President Cheeto's reign of incompetence and malfeasance is over, as he's been forced to vacate the White House in disgrace. He may pop up briefly in the news from time to time as the lawsuits and criminal charges against him begin piling up like cars on an LA freeway, but... for the most part he's out of our lives forever!

Good riddance to bad rubbish! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Don!

Red Letter Day

If you're one of those people whose Economic Stimulus Check is being mailed to your home, have I got good news for you! In addition to the check, you'll also be receiving a personalized letter from the Embarrassment-In-Chief, donald j. trump. 

In the letter, he proudly boasts— in no uncertain terms— about the fact that he's sending you money to tide you over until the nationwide lockdown is over. Of course he left out the part where he wouldn't need to send out checks to everyone if he'd done his goddamned job properly in the first place, but that's a story for another day.

Regardless of the reason for the letter, I'm sure many citizens will be happy to receive it. It'll be a godsend to those who still can't find toilet paper in their local groceries.

Trump Vs. The Insane Clown Posse

I haven't posted much about the Embarrassment In Chief lately, because frankly it's just too depressing, and I don't need to deal with him on top of everything else that's going on right now. But I had to say something about this.

Warning: I've taken the filters off this post, so be advised.

For a month or so mow, trump's been holding daily coronavirus press briefings. The idea of the briefings is to ostensibly provide accurate information, guidance and comfort to a worried nation. Much like Roosevelt's fireside chats in the 1930s and 1940s.

Of course trump isn't capable of that kind of leadership, and has spent most of the briefings refusing to take responsibility for his mismanagement, blaming others for the state of the country and of course, spewing utter and transparent lies.

These briefings reaches a milestone on Thursday, April 23, 2020. Write down that date, kids, as someday it'll be in the history books alongside December 7, 1941 and September 11, 2001.

In the Thursday briefing, trump parroted info he'd overheard from his medical advisors, who claimed the coronavirus doesn't do well in hot, humid environments or direct sunlight. This apparently sparked an idea in trump's lizard brain, prompting him to say the following:

"So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous— whether it's ultraviolet or just a very powerful light— and I think you said that hasn't been checked because of the testing. And then I said, supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or some other way, and I think you said you're going to test that, too."

So because he heard the virus can be killed by UV radiation, he somehow thinks a person could be cured by... shining a light down their throat, I guess? Putting them in a tanning booth and turning it up to eleven? Who the fuck knows.

Oh, but it gets better.

The "president" then went on to say:

"And then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning. Because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. So, that, you’re going to have to use medical doctors with. But it sounds, it sounds interesting to me.”

Jesus Motherfucking Jetskiing Christ On A Pony.

I fucking give up. I just can't do this anymore. And by this I mean live. I'm going to go lie down in the middle of the Lloyd Expressway.

The leader of the free world just asked if it would be possible to inject disinfectants into the human body to kill the coronavirus. A fucking six year old would know better than that!

Immediately after the briefing, actual medical professionals were quick to jump in and warn the public not to pay any attention to the orange man. 

Dr. Vin Gupta, a pulmonologist and global health policy expert, said, “This notion of injecting or ingesting any type of cleansing product into the body is irresponsible and it’s dangerous. It’s a common method that people utilize when they want to kill themselves (!)."

The makers of Lysol also hurriedly issued a statement, warning people not to drink or spray their product down their throats.

trump's ridiculous comments launched a flurry of news reports, along with a barrage of internet poss (like this one!) mocking his ill-advised and downright dangerous suggestions.

The fallout from his asinine ideas became so intense that the next day, he did what he does best and outright lied, claimed he wasn't serious about suggesting people drink bleach, but was instead being sarcastic.

"I was asking a question sarcastically to reporters just like you, just to see what would happen," Trump said on Friday during a bill signing for the coronavirus aid package. "I was asking a sarcastic and a very sarcastic question to the reporters in the room about disinfectant on the inside. But it does kill it and it would kill it on the hands, and it would make things much better."

A couple things here. First of all, it's abundantly clear to anyone who saw the video of the briefing that there was no note of sarcasm whatsoever in his voice. Plus he repeatedly addressed his medical advisors as he asked them if chugging Windex would cure the virus. At no time did he ever speak to any reporters.

Secondly, even if he was telling the truth for once in his life here— why the holy fuck was he being sarcastic during a press briefing concerning a disease that's killed over 50,000 Americans to date? There's a time and place for sarcasm, and this ain't it.

Meanwhile, hip-hop/horrorcore group The Insane Clown Posse announced they were cancelling their annual "Gathering Of The Juggalos" festival this year, due to the viral apocalypse.

Band members Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope tweeted, "The bottom line is that we REFUSE to risk even ONE Juggalo life by hosting a Gathering during these troubling times."

Jesus wept, a pair of rappers in clown makeup are officially more rational and compassionate than the leader of the country. Congratulations, Universe! You win! 

Orange You Done Yet?

I've been trying my best to stop talking about the Orange Embarrassment in the White House and just ignore him, but it's darned near impossible.

I was watching the original Star Trek series this week, and noticed something interesting...

Apparently trump isn't human after all! It appears he's from Gamma Trianguli VI, the planet seen in Trek episode The Apple!

Space Forced

Jesus wept. The embarrassment-in-chief just won't let his Space Force boondoggle die. 

Last week he gave the world a sneak peak of the official uniform of his newly-minted Space Force. Naturally, social media wiseacres immediately sprang into action, wondering why a space-based military branch had uniforms featuring standard issue forest camouflage. 

Wouldn't it make more sense if their uniforms were black with white dots? Or a pattern with planets and comets on it, much like a traditional wizard's robe?

trumpenstein really doubled down on the Space Force news this week though, no doubt in a flailing effort to draw attention from his ongoing impeachment trial.

In his latest tweet, he unveiled the new official logo for the United States Space Force.

Hmm... I feel like I've seen this logo someplace before, but I can't quite think where...

Ah, there it is. It's the Starfleet Command logo from Star Trek.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, trump! You just blatantly stole the Starfleet Command logo. It's the same shape, it's got the same wraparound text along the ring, there's an arrowhead in the middle against a starry background... You even swiped the goddamned swooshing star, for frak's sake! It literally could not look more like the Trek version if it tried.

Word to the wise, flump. Keep your sweaty orange paws off of Star Trek. Despite the fact you look not unlike an alien from that universe, Trek is off limits!

The Jokes Are Writin' Themselves Again

For months now I've been doing my best to ignore the Orange Embarrassment that's currently occupying the White House, mostly because I'm afraid if I voiced my true feelings toward him I'd be placed on an FBI watch list.

But this is too good... no, strike that... too ridiculous to let slide. This incident perfectly demonstrates the severely addled and impaired mental state of our "president." And despite the fact I'm making light of it here, it's actually far from funny. The petty, vindictive man with his finger on the button has the emotional age of a five year old, a fact which should terrifying every American to their core.

So the US Army Corps Of Engineers is seriously considering the idea of building a sea wall around New York City. This would help protect the metropolis from future watery disasters like Hurricane Sandy, which devastated the city in 2012.

Of course the president had something to say about this, calling it "a costly, foolish & environmentally unfriendly idea that, when needed, probably won't work anyway." Plus, according to the commander-in-chief, "It will also look terrible."

So there you have it folks. A multi-billion dollar wall stretching all the way across the US/Mexico border to prevent a non-existent threat from entering our country is a grand, practically and desperately necessary idea.

But a wall to keep New York City from flooding? Well that's just silly.

Excuse me, I need to go lie down. My head just exploded.

That'll Show Her!

For the past couple years I've been doing my best to ignore the embarrassment that's currently occupying the White House, and to try not to talk or post about him. I couldn't help myself here though.

This week Time Magazine named teenaged climate activist Greta Thunberg as their Person Of The Year. A good choice, and one I agree with.

Amazingly, our Narcissist-In-Chief was apparently so butt-hurt that he didn't receive the honor that he had his handlers alter the cover by having his head Photoshopped onto the body of a teenaged girl.

Let me repeat that— THE "PRESIDENT" OF THE UNITED STATES HAD HIS HEAD PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO THE BODY OF A TEENAGED GIRL.

Jesus wept. 

You know, we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home for less than this. All she did was forget to turn her oven off a few times. THIS... this is a hundred times worse. Rather than concentrate on the economy, world trade or diplomacy, the "leader" of our country is feuding with a sixteen year old girl as he constantly tries to one-up her.

I'd say right now his obvious dementia is at Stage 6— Severe Cognitive Decline. 

Could It BE Any Bigger?

Last week in the news, a reporter accidentally captured a clear shot of the notes Dear Leader used for one of his interminable, rambling speeches.

As you can see, his handwriting looks not unlike that of the average third-grader. And what's with the size? Jesus Christ! What's the matter, couldn't he make it bigger?

This is just my theory, but I think the reason his penmanship is so enormous is because he simply can't see. And being the vain and arrogant narcissist that he is, he's too proud to admit he needs glasses. Hence the 400 point font.

Naturally, the second the image of trump's notes were release, the internet sprang into action. trump's handwriting has now been turned into a downloadable font, appropriately called "Tiny Hand."

The notes were also turned into lyrics to a Morrissey song, which you can probably find with five seconds of googling. It's pretty catchy!

Separated At Birth?

It's been a rough week for Dear Leader, as his presidency and entire administration circles the drain faster and faster with each passing day. Lately this has been his default expression, as his face has gone from its usual orange to a bright, apoplectic red.

Every time I see him shrieking like that, I can't help but be reminded of this.

Bama-gate

For months now I've been doing my best to ignore the Orange Embarrassment that's currently occupying the White House, mostly because I'm afraid if I voiced my feelings toward him I'd be placed on an FBI watch list. 

But this is too good... no, strike that... too bizarre to let slide. This incident perfectly demonstrates the severely addled and impaired mental state of our "president." And despite the fact I'm making light of it here, it's actually far from funny. The petty, vindictive man with his finger on the button has the emotional age of a five year old, a fact which should terrifying every American to their core.

On September 1st, 2019, trump tweeted out a warning stating that residents of Florida, South Caroline, North Carolina, Georgia and Alabama were all about to be slammed by the approaching Hurricane Dorian.

There's just one problem— Alabama was never in any danger from the storm, ever.

In fact, twenty minutes later (not sure why the times shown don't line up) the National Weather Service office in Birmingham, Alabama tweeted out a correction, assuring the populace that the state would see ZERO impact from the hurricane, as it was too far away to be affected.

True to their word, this was the projected path of the hurricane. Note that at no point did it get anywhere near the Yellowhammer state.

You may be saying to yourself, "Big deal. So trump made a little mistake. Who cares?" Well, it IS a big deal. It's actually a HUGE deal. Hard as it is to believe, some people actually look to trump for information and guidance. His Alabama faux pas could easily have caused a statewide panic as thousands needlessly fled their homes to avoid a non-existent threat.

The news media pointed this out in dozens of articles, criticizing the prez for spreading potentially harmful false information. 

At this point a normal human would have admitted they made a mistake, said, "Whoops, my bad! Apologies for any confusion or panic I may have caused" and ended the matter then and there. 

trump is neither normal nor human though. He is absolutely incapable of admitting a mistake. He insisted he was right and actual trained scientists and weather professionals were wrong, and fell back on his favorite song by calling the media "fake news." Said trump: 

“Such a phony hurricane report by lightweight reporter @jonkarl of @ABCWorldNews. I suggested yesterday at FEMA that, along with Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina, even Alabama could possibly come into play, which WAS true. They made a big deal about this when in fact, under certain original scenarios, it was in fact correct that Alabama could have received some ‘hurt.’ Always good to be prepared! But the Fake News is only interested in demeaning and belittling. Didn’t play my whole sentence or statement. Bad people!”

Jesus Christ, don! Why's it so hard to admit you screwed up? Take responsibility for your actions for once in your life and move on.

Then on September 4th, trump tripled down on the crazy. During an Oval Office meeting, he suddenly pulled out a NOAA weather map depicting the early projected course of Hurricane Dorian, which showed it heading directly towards Florida, and Alabama beyond.

Thing is, it appears trump actually altered the map by drawing a crude circle around Alabama with a Sharpie (his writing implement of choice), to add credence to his earlier statement. Jesus Jetskiing Christ!

Here's a closer look at his hurriedly-doctored map. Note that he even botched his forgery, as he barely managed to include a sliver of Alabama within his hastily-scrawled Sharpie circle!

For comparison, here's the original map, sans Sharpie circle.

A reporter pointed out that the map had obviously been altered, and asked the president point blank if he's the one who did it. trump's only reply was a weak and sullen, "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."

Like a dog worrying a bone, trump just couldn't let go of the controversy, which of course only caused it to go from minor gaffe to full-fledged scandal. Hasn't he ever heard of the Streisand Effect? He tweeted that according to original forecasts, Alabama WAS directly centered in the hurricane's line of fire before the storm took a hard right turn.

He even offered proof of this in the form of several more maps (with no Sharpie lines this time).

This additional info was actually true. Well, sort of. What don failed to mention was that these maps were several days old by the time he made his initial statement on September 1st. Additionally, even though they did indeed show that Alabama was in the hurricane's bath, NOAA estimated the state had a 5% to 20% chance of receiving 39 MPH winds. Gusts of that magnitude might blow down a branch or two, but are certainly no cause for alarm.

Too bad trump didn't have his magic Sharpie a couple years back during his inauguration. He could have used it then to offer incontrovertible proof that his ceremony drew the biggest crowds ever recorded.

But of course the story doesn't stop there. On Friday, September 6, most people had had their fill of the story and moved on. Not donny though, boy! In yet another tweet, he said:

“The Fake News Media was fixated on the fact that I properly said, at the beginnings of Hurricane Dorian, that in addition to Florida & other states, Alabama may also be grazed or hit. They went Crazy, hoping against hope that I made a mistake (which I didn’t). Check out maps…..”

Yes, don. The MEDIA'S the one fixated on the story, not you, the person who keeps bringing up the goddamned thing. So any time the media reports a story that trump doesn't agree with, he labels it fake news. By a similar logic, if a storm system contradicts his beliefs he denounces it as FAKE WEATHER. In don's world you're either with him or against him— there's no gray area or middle ground.

Remember back when Barack Obama was president (oh, to return to those days) and in a speech stated our country consisted of 57 states? When the media called him out on it, he simply admitted he misspoke, laughed it off and that was the end of it. As any sane person would do. 

There's no doubt in my mind that if trump made the same gaffe, he'd grab a Sharpie and start drawing in seven more states on every map he could find.

Then on Saturday, September 7, he dragged out the story yet AGAIN, tweeting:

FAKE NEWS. I would like very much to stop referring to this ridiculous story, but the LameStream Media just won’t let it alone. They always have to have the last word, even though they know they are defrauding & deceiving the public. The public knows that the Media is corrupt!

The media always has to have the last word, don? They stopped reporting on it days ago, after it went from funny to pathetic.

Also on September 7, trump finally threatened, er, I mean found someone he could blackmail or otherwise coerce into backing him up. Neil Jacobs, a trump-appointed yes man who's currently serving as Acting Director of NOAA, released a statement undermining the Birmingham NOAA division's report. Said Jacobs, “The Birmingham National Weather Service’s Sunday morning tweet spoke in absolute terms that were inconsistent with probabilities from the best forecast products available at the time.”

So there you go. The president of our country is a petty and vindictive sociopath who's pathologically incapable of admitting he's wrong. To that end, he scoured the government until he found a lackey willing to throw NOAA's Birmingham division under the bus, and state against all logic and reason that trump was right and science was wrong.

Jesus wept. This is why I welcome every meteor that comes close to our planet with open arms.