Spittin' Image

Thanks to the whole pandemic/end of the world thing last year, fans of the Arrowverse were cheated out of the annual crossover event spanning all the shows.

The CW's attempting to make up for it this year though, by giving us a crossover storyline that spans the first five episodes of The Flash's eighth season.

Titled Armageddon, the event features appearances by various Arrowverse characters as they help the Flash defeat an evil alien called Despero.

Note that DC Comics featured a 1991 miniseries called Armageddon 2001, in which a villain called Monarch threatened the world. This live action crossover doesn't have anything to do with that comic, and appears to be a completely different story.

So who's Despero? He's a telepathic alien from the planet Kalanor, who debuted in the very first Justice League comic, way back in 1960— in the era when nearly every supervillain's name ended with an "O" (see Eclipso, Universo, Bizarro, Sinestro, etc).

He's an awesome looking character, what with his magenta skin tone, fin-hawk and third eye in the middle of his forehead. I can't wait to see him in live action on the show!

(Insert Price Is Right Sad Trombone sound effect here)

Are you fraking kidding me?

Apparently THIS is what Despero will look like in the Armageddon crossover. He'll be played by actor Tony Curran, sporting a fauxhawk hairstyle in lieu of an actual prosthetic fin.

Jesus wept.

I should have known the perennially cash-strapped The CW would pull something like this., Their shows are always filmed on the cheap, so it's inevitable they couldn't afford to put a fully CGI Despero in five consecutive episodes.

I get that computer animation ain't cheap, and The CW ain't sitting on a Scrooge McDuck money bin. But would it have killed them to put Tony Curran in some decent prosthetic makeup?

I know they have the capability to do so, as they gave us a wonderful alien makeup for Gary Green in recent episodes of Legends Of Tomorrow. If they can come up with an elaborate makeup like that, there's no reason they couldn't have given us a comic accurate Despero.

I've been watching these shows long enough now that I know exactly how this will go. Despero will actually be an alien, just like he is in the comics, but they'll come up with some bullsh*t reason for him to take human form for 98% of the crossover. We'll then be treated to a mediocre CGI version of him for one brief fight scene in the third act of the final installment. You heard it here first!

Life Imitates Art Again

Sigh... this week, Glorious Leader Trump announced that (shudder) he's running for emperor  president again in 2020, should the world still exist at that time.

Apparently Trump's decided to tweak his old "Make America Great Again" campaign slogan a bit, and came up with a new and improved one. It's now "Keep America Great."

There's one major problem with this slogan— it's already been used.

It was used as a tagline by the 2016 action/horror/satirical film The Purge: Election Year. Yeah, that movie.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ On A Cracker. You couldn't deliberately write something this outlandish and horrifying if you tried. Of all the goddamned movies Trump could have aped, and he picks one about an annual government-sponsored culling of America's minorities and poor, to free up resources for the One Percent.

Obviously this campaign slogan will have to be changed, and fast. In the interest of goodwill, I have a few alternate suggestions:

How about the 1998 film Armageddon, with it's tagline "Earth. It Was Fun While It Lasted." Seems pretty apt, in light of our Beloved Leader's recent antics.

No? OK, then how about 2004's Alien Vs Predator, with it's "Whoever Wins... We Lose" tagline? Seems pretty appropos, considering the way the last election went.

I've got it! Trump can use 2005's Saw II. The one whose tagline read, "Oh Yes, There Will Be Blood."

I've got it! The perfect tagline to celebrate the spine-chilling notion that the man currently occupying the White House could very well do so until 2024. 1986's The Fly, with its shockingly accurate tag, "Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid."