Baby, It's Banned Inside

This month SJWs continued to prove they're the worst people on Earth by calling for an immediate and permanent ban of perennial Christmas carol Baby, It's Cold Outside. 

According to these geniuses, the song is highly offensive in these days of the #MeToo movement, as it glorifies sexual assault (!) and must be stricken from our society with utmost force.

Jesus wept. Is there anything that doesn't offend these people?

I know what you're thinking here: "But Bob, you said the very same thing as the people you're currently denouncing!" 

Yes, that's partially true. Way back in 2010, I wrote a series of posts I called Creepy Christmas Classics, in which I took a (hopefully) humorous look at traditional carols and mocked their now inappropriate lyrics. Among the songs I mocked was Baby, It's Cold Outside, which I called "a heartwarming Yuletide ode to date rape."

There's one important difference here though: my denouncement of the song was a joke. I wrote it in character, so to speak, as part of a bit. I wasn't actually serious when I claimed the song was really about a man drugging a woman and forcing himself on her.

You remember what a joke was, right? It's a story or phrase with a humorous climax, intended to provoke laughter. We used to hear them a lot before the Dark Times. Before the Empire.

See, I know that the song was written in 1944 by Broadway composer Frank Loesser, and he and his wife Lynn sang it together at cocktail parties to the delight of their guests. I'm aware that it was written for the couple's friends, and never really meant to be heard or performed in public. And I know it's about two consenting adults engaging in playful banter as they flirt with one another. It's all very innocent, and there's no underlying current of sleaze or rape. The whole "controvery's" silly and overblown.

But that's because I'm a rational human being, and not a knee-jerk SJW who must wipe out any and all dissenting opinions. I try to save my outrage for things that actually matter, like the antics of the orange homunculus in the White House.

All that said, even though I don't really think the song's about date rape, I do wonder how the hell it ever became a beloved Christmas carol! There's nothing Christmassy in it whatsoever, other than maybe the mention of snow and bad weather.

Now if you want a REALLY Creepy Christmas Classic, then go with Santa Baby. That's one's just straight up about a whore. No, strike that. At least a whore charges for her services. This song's about a shameless slut who'll do anyone for furs and jewels.

"You Sit On A Throne Of Lies!"

It's Buddy the elf, from the 2003 movie Elf!

Technically I guess Buddy's not actually an elf, but a human raised by elves. 

Elf is one of the very few— make that only— Will Ferrell movies I can stand to watch. In just a few short years it's become a bonafide holiday classic.

Much of the film's North Pole production design was inspired by that of the Rankin/Bass Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer TV special, particularly the sets, landscapes, the various talking animals and especially Leon the Snowman. 

In fact Buddy's costume is practically identical to that of the Elf Foreman in Rudolph.

Elf is also where I first heard the traditional Xmas song Baby, It's Cold Outside. I was aware of the song but had never actually sat down and listened to it until Buddy and his girlfriend Jovie sang it in the film. I was appalled to learn that it's basically a cheerful ode to date rape. But I digress.

Buddy is a vector drawing, done all in InDesign.

Ghosts Of Christmas Past

Hey, Christmas is almost here! That means it's almost over too! Huzzah!

Please note that I'm not some kind of Scrooge who hates the Yuletide season, I just hate what it's become. I can do without all the frenzy and shopping and spending money you don't have and family drama and all that.

But I digress.

Here's a compilation of some of my personal favorite Christmas bloggings from the past few years.

Don't have a lot of money to spend on gifts this year? Don't be embarrassed! Just print, cut out and hang this special Economic Meltdown Christmas Gift gift tag on your presents, and your friends and family will be so impressed they won't notice the chintziness of your gifts!

Do you love Christmas Carols? Me neither! Here are a few of my least favorites:

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

My all time least favorite carol. If this grim, dirge-like tune doesn't make you feel like sticking a shotgun in your mouth during the holiday season, nothing will.

• Baby It's Cold Outside

A cheerful Yuletide duet that's an ode to date rape!

• Santa Baby

Ah, nothing says "Christmas" like this salute to greed, capitalism and whoring yourself for high-ticket gift items.

Think some of our American Christmas traditions are weird? You ain't seen nothing yet!

• No Spanish Nativity scene is complete without El Caganer, a charming figure of a little man taking a huge dump.

• Kids in Spain (again with the Spain) love the Tio De Nadal, a hollow anthropomorphic log that they beat with sticks until it craps out gifts. No, that wasn't one long typo.

Happy Holidays!

Ghosts Of Christmas Past

Hey, Christmas is almost here! That means it's almost over too! Huzzah!

Please note that I'm not some kind of Scrooge who hates the Yuletide season, I just hate what it's become. I can do without all the frenzy and shopping and spending money you don't have and family drama and all that.

But I digress.

Here's a compilation of some of my personal favorite Christmas bloggings from the past few years.

Don't have a lot of money to spend on gifts this year? Don't be embarrassed! Just print, cut out and hang this special Economic Meltdown Christmas Gift gift tag on your presents, and your friends and family will be so impressed they won't notice the chintziness of your gifts!

Do you love Christmas Carols? Me neither! Here are a few of my least favorites:

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
My all time least favorite carol. If this grim, dirge-like tune doesn't make you feel like sticking a shotgun in your mouth during the holiday season, nothing will.

• Baby It's Cold Outside
A cheerful Yuletide duet that's an ode to date rape!

• Santa Baby
Ah, nothing says "Christmas" like this salute to greed, capitalism and whoring yourself for high-ticket gift items.

Think some of our American Christmas traditions are weird? You ain't seen nothing yet!

• No Spanish Nativity scene is complete without El Caganer, a charming figure of a little man taking a huge dump.

• Kids in Spain (again with the Spain) love the Tio De Nadal, a hollow anthropomorphic log that they beat with sticks until it craps out gifts. No, that wasn't one long typo.

Happy Holidays!

Creepy Christmas Classics #2: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Hey, it's Christmas Carol time again! Everywhere you go this month, you'll hear all the classic carols you've heard ten thousand times before, whether you want to or not. I often wonder how some of these songs ever became classics in the first place. My theory is that the public hears them so much that they don't listen to the lyrics anymore, rendering them meaningless. If they did actually sit down and listen, half of these so-called "classics" would be stricken from the list.

Another case in point: Baby, It's Cold Outside. This seemingly innocent duet is an admittedly catchy song, but can someone please explain to me how it became a beloved holiday classic? Scratch the surface even slightly and you'll reveal a dark, sordid current flowing underneath.

Anyone who thinks this song is an acceptable Christmas carol has obviously never listened to the lyrics. It's pretty much a heartwarming Yuletide ode to date rape. Seriously.

Don't believe me? Let's examine the lyrics, shall we? As I mentioned earlier, it's a duet, so I'll put the woman's lyrics in black, the guy's in blue. My comments are below in bright rape whistle red.

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
OK, these three lines seem innocent enough. Stay tuned though, it's about to get worse.

So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
OK, that one registered a little on the Creep-O-Meter.

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
The woman just realized she didn't tell her family where she was going, and there's not another living soul on Earth who knows where she is right now. The guy totally blows off her justified concerns and starts pouring on the sleazy charm.

Well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
Ack! What the hell is wrong with her? She just begged the dude to put a roofie in her drink! Notice that he wants her distracted while he "pours" her drink.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
What'd I tell you? Roofie in the drink. She can taste it. Any minute now she'll start slurring her speech, saying, "Something... in... drink. Can't... think... straight." The guy might as well be saying, "Go ahead and scream, we're miles from where anyone can hear! Bwah ha hah ha ha!"

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
Yeah, she's starting to get drowsy now. The guy deflects her protests with empty compliments, and even starts hiding her belongings so that she can't easily leave.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
Shields up! Red alert!

At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
Well now here she's apparently given up and accepted the inevitable.

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
She's beginning to repeat herself in her delirium. The guy can't seem to fathom why she might find his greasy advances repugnant.

(Together)
Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
He's hoping that if he repeats the weather report enough times that she'll eventually believe it. And no means yes, right?

This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm
Yeah, the kind of warmth that envelopes you after you fall through the ice.

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
She remembers that no one in her family knows where she is, and visions of police tape and chalk body outlines fill her thoughts. She tries some weak and vague threats, but the guy just keeps up with the phony compliments, even running out of material and repeating himself.

Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
OK, even I have to admit she's asking for it here.

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Hey, she's lucid again! Maybe she'll get away after all. Seeing that the shallow compliments didn't seem to work, he's bringing up the grisly image of her freezing to death if she tries to leave.

Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
I...wait, what? OK, she's delirious for sure here.

You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
Bound to be talk tomorrow? Yeah, on the police band radio. The guy's starting to get a little whiny here.

At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
Oh, now she's worried about her "reputation." The guy seems to be showing a bit of genuine concern here. Is he feeling guilt? Or just not wanting a messy police investigation?

I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Nope, he's not guilty. Just impatient for the "festivities" to begin.

(Together)
Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby, it's cold outside
And as the song ends, she echoes his statement, and it's heavily implied that the guy had his way with her. What a lovely way to end a Christmas song.

Amazingly it was originally written in 1944 (!) by Frank Loesser, who sang it with his wife at a housewarming party. So it wasn't written for the holiday season after all, which again raises the question, how the frak did this ever become a Christmas song?