Ghosts Of Christmas Past

Hey, Christmas is almost here! That means it's almost over too! Huzzah!

Please note that I'm not some kind of Scrooge who hates the Yuletide season, I just hate what it's become. I can do without all the frenzy and shopping and spending money you don't have and family drama and all that.

But I digress.

Here's a compilation of some of my personal favorite Christmas bloggings from the past few years.

Don't have a lot of money to spend on gifts this year? Don't be embarrassed! Just print, cut out and hang this special Economic Meltdown Christmas Gift gift tag on your presents, and your friends and family will be so impressed they won't notice the chintziness of your gifts!

Do you love Christmas Carols? Me neither! Here are a few of my least favorites:

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

My all time least favorite carol. If this grim, dirge-like tune doesn't make you feel like sticking a shotgun in your mouth during the holiday season, nothing will.

• Baby It's Cold Outside

A cheerful Yuletide duet that's an ode to date rape!

• Santa Baby

Ah, nothing says "Christmas" like this salute to greed, capitalism and whoring yourself for high-ticket gift items.

Think some of our American Christmas traditions are weird? You ain't seen nothing yet!

• No Spanish Nativity scene is complete without El Caganer, a charming figure of a little man taking a huge dump.

• Kids in Spain (again with the Spain) love the Tio De Nadal, a hollow anthropomorphic log that they beat with sticks until it craps out gifts. No, that wasn't one long typo.

Happy Holidays!

Ghosts Of Christmas Past

Hey, Christmas is almost here! That means it's almost over too! Huzzah!

Please note that I'm not some kind of Scrooge who hates the Yuletide season, I just hate what it's become. I can do without all the frenzy and shopping and spending money you don't have and family drama and all that.

But I digress.

Here's a compilation of some of my personal favorite Christmas bloggings from the past few years.

Don't have a lot of money to spend on gifts this year? Don't be embarrassed! Just print, cut out and hang this special Economic Meltdown Christmas Gift gift tag on your presents, and your friends and family will be so impressed they won't notice the chintziness of your gifts!

Do you love Christmas Carols? Me neither! Here are a few of my least favorites:

• Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
My all time least favorite carol. If this grim, dirge-like tune doesn't make you feel like sticking a shotgun in your mouth during the holiday season, nothing will.

• Baby It's Cold Outside
A cheerful Yuletide duet that's an ode to date rape!

• Santa Baby
Ah, nothing says "Christmas" like this salute to greed, capitalism and whoring yourself for high-ticket gift items.

Think some of our American Christmas traditions are weird? You ain't seen nothing yet!

• No Spanish Nativity scene is complete without El Caganer, a charming figure of a little man taking a huge dump.

• Kids in Spain (again with the Spain) love the Tio De Nadal, a hollow anthropomorphic log that they beat with sticks until it craps out gifts. No, that wasn't one long typo.

Happy Holidays!

We'll Have A FUN Old Time!

This week Hallmark made the news as a result of their yearly crop of holiday ornaments. 

Hallmark's "Ugly Christmas Sweater" ornament features a line from the Christmas carol Deck The Halls printed on the front, but they saw fit to change the traditional lyric from "gay apparel" to the less offensive "FUN apparel." 

Obviously Hallmark was terrified that their stores would be brought to a standstill by the huge crowds of homosexual males who'd be attracted by the original line. Not to mention the incessant snickering they'd have to endure from the packs of wild fourteen year olds who roam America's malls.

Honestly I have to side with Hallmark on this one. You just can't be too careful these days when it comes to song lyrics. These old Christmas carols have been around for hundreds of years now and they're just far too out of touch and insensitive for our modern genteel and delicate society.

To prevent any more unfortunate shocks to the system of the public at large, the following changes to these traditional Christmas carols are to be implemented immediately:

• From this day forward the song White Christmas will be known as All Inclusive Pan-Ethnic Winter Festival.

• Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer will henceforth be called Rudolph The Differently Abled Reindeer Who's A Valued Member Of Society.

• The song O Come All Ye Faithful will be changed to the much less provocative Arrive All Ye Faithful. In a similar vein, Here Comes Santa Claus will be called Santa Claus Has Been Spotted In The Vicinity.

• Lastly, the highly inappropriate I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus will now be called the much more acceptable I Saw Mommy Publicly Greeting Santa Claus In A Consensual And Non-Sexual Manner.

I realize it may take some time to get used to these new lyrics, but I'm sure you'll agree it's for the good of the public.