The Comic Book Movie Costume Inverse Accuracy Law

Last week NBC (yeah, that NBC) released this publicity photo from their upcoming Constantine pilot.

Actor Matt Ryan will play John Constantine, the supernatural detective who's the star of DC Comics long-running Hellblazer comic book.

As you can see here he looks very true to the source material. Same hair, same shirt, loose tie and rumpled trench coat. The only thing missing is Constantine's trademark ever-present cigarette, and I would not be surprised if the network griped that out of existence.

Anyhoo, this is a prime example of what I like to call The Comic Book Movie Costume Inverse Accuracy Law. It's a little fundamental rule of the universe I made up that states:

The odds of a comic book movie or TV series staying true to the source material is inversely proportional to how much I care about the property in question.

In other words-- I'm not a fan of Hellblazer, so of course the TV version of John Constantine will look and act exactly like he does in the comic book. It's just a given.

The same thing happened with The Green Hornet movie a couple of years ago. I've never much cared for the Green Hornet one way or another, so of course the film version looked exactly like the comic. And even though the movie inexplicably starred Seth Rogen, they still got pretty much all the details right. The names, the origin, the supporting cast-- even the Hornet's Black Beauty was perfectly recreated.

Meanwhile, The Fantastic Four is my all time favorite comic. So naturally we got two awful movies in which most of the team was horribly miscast, looked nothing like the comic versions and acted completely out of character. And soon we're getting yet another botched version in which the actors look like high school kids and one isn't even the same race as his comic counterpart.

It stinks, but it's just something I've grown used to.

I'm A Grown Man And I Bought This: Batman Classic TV Series Batman And Robin

It's been nearly five decades since the Batman TV series premiered on ABC in 1966, and toys based on the show are just now starting to trickle out

Several companies have begun releasing Batman action figures in various scales. Mattel's the first out of the gate with their new 6 inch line. Last month they released their first wave of figures, consisting of Batman, The Joker, The Riddler, The Penguin and Surf's Up Batman.

The Julie Newmar version of Catwoman was supposed to be included in the wave, but at the last minute Mattel decided to pull her so they can sell her separately and charge more.

But on to the review at hand, the Batman And Robin Two Pack. Mattel, in their infinite wisdom, decided that Robin would only be available in a special (read expensive) two pack of figures. So if you already bought the Batman figure from the regular line, you've gotta buy another in order to get Robin. Nice of them, eh?

The figures are packaged to resemble the famous "scaling the side of a building" scenes from Batman.

Here's the set out of the box. You could probably display the figures this way, as the inner lining forms a nice backdrop, but that's no fun. Take your figures out of the box! Otherwise you might as just well own a photo of them! 

Here's the Dynamic Duo freed from their packaging prison (which took some doing, let me tell you!).

This is the exact same Batman figure that's sold separately in the regular line, with a couple of exceptions. First of all Mattel finally gave him a Batarang accessory, something the original figure sorely lacked and absolutely should have had.

Right now the Batarang is tied to his hand with a clear rubber band. I'm afraid to untie it for fear he won't be able to hold it on his own. His hands are sculpted to hold something much bigger than the tiny little Batarang.

The second difference is the two wires sewn into each side of his cape, to help pose it. The wires don't work all that well and frankly just get in the way. Robin has the wires in his cape as well.

The wires are so you can pose the capes horizontally as they did on the show. Smart cookie that you are, you no doubt know that whenever Batman and Robin would climb up the side of a building they were very obviously walking horizontally along the floor while the camera was turned 90 degrees. When viewed from the proper angle, it looked (sort of) like they were climbing vertically. To help sell the illusion, Batman and Robin's capes stuck out horizontally with the aid of wires, so they'd appear to be hanging straight down when viewed on TV.

One last thing about the capes-- they both came with an enormous and obnoxious copyright tag sewn into them. Seriously, these tags were an inch wide and a good two and a half inches long. None of the figures in the regular line had these tags, so I'm not sure why they were included in this set. The first thing you'll want to do is cut the ridiculous things off. Be careful though, as you could easily cut into the fabric of the cape if you're not careful.

This is a nicely done Robin figure. His costume is accurate, he has realistic proportions and is actually a bit shorter than the Batman figure, as he should be.

Robin's quite well articulated too. He has a ball jointed head and shoulders, cut bicep, wrist, waist and thigh joints and elbow, knee and ankle joints. Unfortunately he also has that ugly "ab-crunch" joint that plagues the Batman figure.There are better, less obvious ways to include that joint than what they went with here.

Here's a rear view of Robin. Still not a fan of cloth capes, but whaddya gonna do? If you look closely you'll see two small holes in the fabric of his cape. That's where he was lashed down in the package in his climbing pose. They actually punctured his cape to secure him in the box! Stupid, stupid Mattel!

Be very careful when removing the figure from the package or you could very easily rip the cape to shreds.

Sculpting-wise Robin looks pretty good. I can definitely see Burt Ward in there. The paint job's very well done, especially for a figure of this scale. Remember he's blown up quite a bit here, so any imperfections you see in this photo won't be evident in person.

If you look closely you can see that Robin's legs have a definite grayish cast to them, especially when compared to the flesh tone of his forearms. At first I chalked this up to a painting mistake on Mattel's part (like The Riddler's color-mismatched limbs in the regular line).

But the more I think about it the more I;m convinced that this color difference was intentional. On the TV show Burt Ward wore flesh colored tights as part of his costume (can't have a Robin with hairy legs, after all). I think they deliberately painted the figure's legs a slightly different color to simulate the tights! Well done, Mattel!

Here's the climbing wall and rope accessories. Note that the box says "Use Base On Shelf Or Wall!" Whoever wrote that was a lying liar who lies.

You can indeed hang the base from a wall, but there's absolutely no way to use it vertically on a shelf. In fact I had to prop it up with something just to get this shot.

The only way to use it on a shelf is to lay it down horizontally like this. Is that what the box meant when it said "use base on shelf?" Would it have killed them to have included some kind of stand to hold the wall up vertically, so you could pose the figures like they're actually climbing it? 

The rope fits into the figures' hands OK, but tends to plop out if you look at it too hard. It's also impossible to get rid of the copious slack in the rope too. I kind of wish they'd just skipped the whole wall climbing theme and given us a plain two pack of figures. It'd no doubt have been cheaper that way as well.
 

I'm also curious as to why the wall isn't just a simple rectangle. Why all the indentions in both sides? Did cutting out those sections in the sides save money on plastic?

Why didn't they make it a rectangle, put both windows on the right side and then have the figures stick to the left side, just like on the show?

Surprisingly the windows actually open up (with quite a bit of fiddling), which is a nice touch. Now you can have your other action figures stick their heads out the windows to recreate the cameos in the climbing scenes from the TV show!

Speaking of the celebrity window cameos: amazingly there were only fourteen of them over the course of the series. It seemed like there were a lot more than that though. Most of the celebrities are still recognizable today, but a few of them you'd only recognize if you were a child of the 1960s. The cameos in order:

• Jerry Lewis as himself.

• Dick Clark as himself.

• Van Williams and Bruce Lee as the Green Hornet and Kato, from The Green Hornet show of course.

• Sammy Davis Jr. as himself.

• Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez from The Bill Dana Show (definitely a product of the 1960s).

• Howard Duff as Sam Stone from the TV show Felony Squad (I'm betting his show needed the ratings boost a cameo on Batman would provide, since it doesn't seem like the type of show a kid would watch).

• Warner Klemperer as Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes (no explanation as to why the Colonel appeared to be the same age as he was back in WWII).

• Ted Cassidy as Lurch from The Addams Family.

• Don Ho, perennially popular Hawaiian entertainer.

• Andy Devine as Santa Claus (!).

• Art Linkletter, famous 1960s TV host.

• Edward G. Robinson (who ironically was famous for playing gangsters in the movies).

• Susie Knickerbocker (definitely a product of the 1960s! Apparently she was a gossip columnist and member of the jet set back in the day).

• Cyril Lord as The Carpet King. Who the hell's that, you ask? Good question. Although he sounds like he could be a Bat-villain, he was supposedly a well known businessman who sold expensive carpets in England in the 1960s. William Dozier, producer of Batman, bought a fancy carpet from him and paid him with a cameo on the show! So because William Dozier's wife wanted a Persian rug we had to look at Cyril Lord and act like we knew who he was.

There was only one cameo appeared in Season One (Jerry Lewis). The rest were all from Season Two. There were no cameos in Season Three.

So what's the verdict? Is the set worth buying or should you give it a pass? The figures are fairly well done, but the wall and rope are pretty much wastes of plastic and time. 

But don't let that stop you from buying it. If you're a fan of the TV show or you've already bought the regular line, then definitely buy the set, as this is the only way to get Robin. As I said in my review of the original line, it's taken fifty years to get figures based on the show. You can either buy these or wait another fifty!

Read all about the first wave of Classic Batman figures here.

It Came From The Cineplex: Sausage Party

Welcome to the tail end of Summer Movie Slaughter 2016, as the last of the season's big tentpole pictures crash and burn on arrival. It's been a brutal summer to be sure, filled with flops, implosions and all around disappointments. Other than Captain America: Civil War, Finding Dory and The Secret Life Of Pets, I don't think any film this summer could be considered a hit, as the majority of them were DOA and lost their respective studios millions.

Sausage Party was written by Kyle Hunter, Ariel Shaffir, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (wow, it took a whopping FOUR people to write a screenplay about a talking hot dog?). It was directed by Greg Tiernan and Conrad Vernon.

Hunter and Shaffir previously wrote the Seth Rogen vehicle The Night Before. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg are a prolific writing team, who previously penned Superbad, Pineapple Express, The Green Hornet, The Watch and This Is The End.

Tiernan previously directed Hero Of The Rails, which— get this— was the first Thomas The Tank Engine home video feature to use CGI animation instead of the usual scale models and sets. Wow! From the family-friendly world of Thomas to cursing, fornicating hot dogs! Vernon previously co-directed Shrek 2 and directed Monsters Vs. Aliens and Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted. Talk about strange bedfellows!

Sausage Party is rude, vulgar, racist and offensive. It also has quite a thoughtful and provocative message about religion, and how it ruins rules our lives. Wow. Who knew Seth Rogen would turn out to be a visionary filmmaker?

The film was made for a shockingly low $19 million, which is nothing short of miraculous these days. To put that amount in perspective, Finding Dory had a production budget of $200 million, while The Secret Life Of Pets cost $75 million. Heck, Pixar probably spent more than $19 million on coffee for their animators.

Unfortunately it looks like the movie's low price tag may have been the result of brutal and unfair working conditions on the part of Nitrogen Studios, which produced Sausage Party. Shortly after the film premiered there were allegations that  the studio forced their army of animators to work overtime for free. According to anonymous sources, if any animators refused, they were either reassigned or terminated. Supposedly over thirty animators left the production due to the conditions at the studio, and their names were removed from the final credits. Sadly, things like this go on all the time in the animation industry.

Seth Rogen seems like a genuinely decent guy, so I hope he was ignorant of this alleged abuse, and didn't knowingly go along with it just to get his film made under budget.

A couple of weeks ago I predicted that there'd be a huge outcry from angry Soccer Moms who cluelessly took their precious underaged snowflakes to see this hard R-rated movie, thinking it was just another family-friendly animated film. Amazingly I've not heard any reports of that happening.

My local cineplexery had numerous warning signs posted, alerting parents that Sausage Party was most definitely NOT for kids, so maybe they were able to preempt any problems before they arose. There wasn't a single kid in the audience at my screening of the film. Actually there weren't many people of any age there, but that's another story.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
"In a world, where food is alive…" Eh, let's start over. The film takes place primarily inside the Shopwell's grocery store, where all the various foods and products are alive. The foods believe the human shoppers are Gods, who appear every day to select them and take them out of the store into "The Great Beyond."

Somewhere in the store, a sausage named Frank (voiced by Seth Rogen), who lives in a package with seven of his fellow processed meat tubes, is in love with a bun named Brenda (voiced by Kristin Wiig). Frank dreams of living in The Great Beyond with Brenda, and is confident they'll be selected by the Gods during the upcoming July 4th Sale.

A jar of Honey Mustard, who was previously selected, is returned to the store by a God. Honey Mustard is shaken to his core by what he saw outside the store, and tells the others that The Great Beyond is a bald-faced lie. The other foods are so delusional, er, I mean confident in their faith that they refuse to believe him.

Frank and Brenda are ecstatic when their packages (heh) are selected by a God and placed in a grocery cart. Honey Mustard, who can't take it anymore, kills himself by leaping from the cart and smashing onto the floor below. The cart slides through the mustard and crashes into another one. The impact throws Frank and Brenda out of their cart, along with a lavash (similar to a pita bread) named Kareem, a bagel named Sammy, and a feminine hygiene douche named, er, Douche (who by the way, is a male "bro" type— get it? He's literally and figuratively a douche).

Frank and the others try to catch up with the God's cart, but they lose sight of it in the confusion. Douche, whose nozzle is bent, is swept up by a human store employee named Darren, who throws him in the trash. Douche blames Frank for causing him to miss out on the Great Beyond, and vows revenge.

As the store closes for the night, the other foods try to make it back to their aisles. Along the way they hear what sounds like a party coming from the liquor aisle (natch), and Frank suggests they check it out. There they encounter Firewater, a Native American bottle of booze, along with several other older, "non perishable" foods. 

Firewater tells Frank the horrible truth— there is no Great Beyond, and the Gods are actually hungry humans, who kill and eat the foods they choose. Firewater reveals that years ago the foods all knew the truth, but he made up the story of the Gods and The Great Beyond to calm their fears. Frank refuses to believe the story, but an effeminate Twinkie named— what else, Twink— tells him to visit the Shopwell's freezer section for proof.

While Frank's having his mind blown, Brenda meets a taco named Terasa (voiced by Salma Hayek), who takes a lusty interest in her. In the back room, Douche escapes from the trash, and is shocked to discover all his fluid has leaked out. He manages to survive by filling his body with various liquids from other discarded foods. Now "juiced," he goes totally off the deep end and begins searching for Frank.

Meanwhile, Frank and Brenda's friends, who were previously chosen, arrive at the home of the God who purchased them. They're horrified to see the God kill, cook and eat their comrades, in a scene of R-rated, unbridled carnage and violence. 

Another sausage named Barry (voiced by Michael Cera) escapes the human's house and enters the outside world. He sees a human carrying a Shopwell's bag and grabs on, hoping to be taken back to the store. Unfortunately, the human is a junkie who takes him back to his disheveled home.

Inside the Junkie's house, Barry meets various snack foods, including a bag of chips and a very Stephen Hawking-like wad of discarded gum, who rides around in a makeshift wheelchair. The Junkie injects himself with bath salts, which alters his perception and allows him to "see" that the foods in his home are alive. Barry tries to talk with the Junkie, who thinks he's just hallucinating. When the drugs wear off, the Junkie grabs Barry and tries to cook him. Barry jumps out of the pot, and the Junkie trips, knocks a decorative axe off the wall and decapitates himself (!). Barry talks Gum and the others into accompanying him to Shopwell's.

Back at the store, Frank tells Brenda and the others that he's going to the freezer section for answers. Brenda doesn't want him to go, saying he's going to anger the Gods by doubting them and asking too many questions. They argue, break up and go their separate ways. Brenda sneaks into another bag of buns, hoping to be chosen again.

Frank travels to the frozen section, where he finds a cookbook. He leafs through it and is horrified to find it's filled with pages of humans massacring food. He tears out several pages and holds them up to the security cameras to broadcast them to the entire store. He tells everyone the Gods and The Great Beyond aren't real, and they're all idiots for believing in them. The foods don't take kindly to having their lifelong beliefs ridiculed, and reject Frank's proof.

The store opens again, and Brenda's chosen a second time. Just then Barry and his new friends return to the store. Barry confirms that the shoppers are false gods, and can be killed. As proof, he shows them the Junkie's decapitated head (!). Frank gives a second speech to the store, apologizing for not respecting the others' beliefs. This time they rally around him.

Barry and Gum fire then fire bath salt-laden toothpicks at the shoppers. As the drug takes effect, the shoppers see the talking foods and predictably freak out. A huge battle takes place, as the foods begin fighting back against the shoppers. Frank manages to rescue Brenda in the confusion. Douche appears, and takes control of Darren by shoving his nozzle up his ass and working him like a Japanese mecha.

Eventually the shoppers are all killed, along with Douche/Darren. With the store rid of the false Gods, the foods all engage in a massive, R-rated orgy (!).

At the end of the film, Gum announces that he and Firewater have discovered that their entire universe is an artificial construct and they're all fictional characters, created for the amusement of humans. Gum builds a Stargate, er, I mean a dimensional portal that will allow them to travel to this dimension. Frank and the others enter the portal to confront their creators.

Thoughts:
• It's probably pointless to nitpick a film like this since it's a cartoon fantasy. I will endeavor to do my best though.

• Sausage Party is a very odd film. It contains a ton of food-based puns and jokes, EXACTLY like you'd find in a Pixar, Disney or Dreamworks film. In fact if it weren't for all the R-rated language, violence, sex and anti-religious stuff, it could very well be a standard CGI kid's movie.

Maybe that's what the filmmakers were going for? Making the movie seem as much like a kiddie cartoon as possible, so it'd be all the more shocking when the R-rated material kicked in?

• Like most cartoon fantasies, the world of this film doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. Heck, even Toy Story, the gold standard of CGI animated films, has some pretty shaky logic. Think about it— Buzz Lightyear truly believes he's a human when he first arrives, yet whenever Andy enters the room, he falls over and acts like an inanimate object, like Woody and all the other toys. Why would he do that if he believed he was real?

Likewise, the rules in Sausage Party seem to make sense at first, but if think about them for a while, you'll say, "Hey, wait a minute…"

For example: In addition to the thousands of types of talking foods, we also see a few sentient non-edible items, such as a douche, a used condom (!) and a roll of toilet paper. 

So just how is intelligence doled out in this universe? Obviously everything isn't self-aware. The shopping carts aren't alive, and we don't see any talking cars or lamps. Maybe only items that are consumed or used on the human body have intelligence?

• Another thing that doesn't quite make sense: The foods all worship the "Gods" and believe in "The Great Beyond," except when they don't. For example, Kareem seems to be Muslim, while Sammy is obviously a Jew. Sammy even lives in the Kosher section of the store!

Do the foods believe in their respective ethic deities and the Human Gods at the same time?

• Yet another example of things that are off in this world: Based on their dialogue, the foods inside Shopwell's all act as if they've been living there for months, if not years. But that can't be— the produce would all get tossed out after a day or two if not "chosen," and Frank and Brenda couldn't possibly have been in the store for much more than a week. Maybe time passes more slowly for food, and they feel like they've been alive for years?

As I said, I realize this is a fantasy, so I don't really expect the filmmakers to work out every minute detail, and it doesn't detract from the story. I just thought I'd mention it.

• At the risk of sounding like a Brittle Soccer Mom, I thought the cursing in the film was way over the top. Obviously it was done for the shock value of seeing an animated character spout F-bombs and C-words, but after the thousandth time, the effect was a bit dulled. 

There were times when it seemed like the dialogue went out of its way just to include a curse. I wasn't offended by it, but after a while it was like being bludgeoned in the head by the sheer amount of cursing. It felt like a little kid learning a new cuss word, and then immediately using it as much as humanly possible.

• The aftermath of the shopping cart crash is an homage to the "Storming The Beach" scene in Saving Private Ryan. We see lots of carnage in the aftermath of the crash, like a burst can of spaghetti trying to scoop his "guts" back in, a jar of peanut butter cradling a dead jar of jelly, and a shellshocked Oreo cookie searching through the rubble for his back half that's been blown off.

If only there were more clever scenes like this in the film...

• There's quite a bit of stereotypical racial and ethnic humor in the film. There's the Firewater character who's Native American, an African-American box of grits, and a Twinkie who's gay. There are also Asian-accented bottles of soy sauce, Mexican salsa bottles, and Nazi bratwursts who want to eliminate the Juices (get it?). 

Given the Politically Correct Hellscape that passes for our current society, I'm very, very surprised that no one's complained about this. The film doesn't play favorites— it seems to insult and make fun of virtually everyone equally. Maybe that's the secret? When you go after everyone, no one's offended?

• I'm not a fan of the character design in the film, as most of it looked simplistic and cheap. It looked like the animators just slapped eyes and a mouth on various grocery items and called it a day.

On the other hand, there's probably really only one way to design a talking sausage.

I thought the hot dog buns in particular were very off-putting. I think the problem was their vertical mouths— that never looks right. And yes, I'm aware of what the buns' slit-mouths were supposed to look like. That doesn't make it good character design though.

• Speaking of character design— when the Junkie ingests the bath salts, he's suddenly able to see and hear the various foods in his home for the first time. I liked that he mentioned they were all wearing little white gloves and shoes! How did that ever become the standard in cartoons? Nearly every old school cartoon character wore white gloves!

• As I mentioned earlier, the film features a surprisingly insightful look at religion, atheism and blind zealotry. 

Firewater admits to Frank that he made up the entire Shopwell's religion to help calm the various foods and quell their fears. What he didn't expect though was for some of the foods— like the Nazi ones— to add to the religion and pervert it for their own ends. That's a pretty sophisticated concept for a sophomoric cartoon about talking food!

Frank then offers proof that the Gods and The Great Beyond are fake, and tells all the foods in the store that they're idiots for believing. Predictably, the foods don't take kindly to being called morons, and reject his proof. I see this in the real world all the time, as atheists can be just as smug and zealous in their outlook as the faithful are in their beliefs.

The film's correct here— you can't just call someone an idiot for believing in something you don't, and then expect them to come around to your way of thinking. The best you can do is believe what you think is best, and try to be respectful of others.

I was definitely not expecting any kind of thought provoking message like that, especially in a movie about cursing hot dogs.

• After the foods reject Frank's proof, he apologizes and says he was wrong to ridicule them. He then says their beliefs are all valid, and they need to work together to defeat the Gods. Amazingly, the foods all agree with him and attack!

Well, that was certainly easy! One second the foods view humans as literal Gods, the next they're killing them with wild abandon.

• In the third act, Barry and his new friends shoot toothpicks coated with bath salts into the Shopwell's shoppers. So where'd Barry get more bath salts? When we first see the Junkie, he buys a tiny little bag of salts from a dealer, and it looks like he used it all when he dosed himself. The drug isn't really made of bath salts, so where'd Barry and his pals get more? Did they visit the dealer? Or did Gum show them how to whip up more?

This is another one of those things you shouldn't think about too much.

• I liked the film overall, but I have to say I absolutely hated the Stargate ending, in which Frank and the others presumably travel to our dimension to meet the makers of the movie. I felt that went one step too far, and it came close to ruining the movie for me. It's almost like they couldn't think of an ending, so they just stuck that scene in there. Better to have ended it a minute or two sooner.

I have a feeling this scene was grafted onto the ending to set up a potential sequel, as Frank and the others travel to our world, looking for Seth Rogen and demanding answers. Look for Sausage Party: The Real World in a year or two.

Sausage Party is crude, tasteless and outrageous, and does its level best to offend. But it also has a few brief astute insights about religion and tolerance, which is surprising in a film like this. The vulgarity grows stale after a while, but on the whole it's way better than I expected. Definitely not for kids though! Believe it or not I give it a B-.

Has It Really Only Been Two Weeks?

Believe it or not, this past Friday (February 3, 2017) marked our Glorious Leader Trump's first two weeks in office. Seriously? It's really only been two weeks? That can't possibly be right, can it? If feels like twelve years.

It's been quite an eventful period, as Trump tried to cram a full year's worth of atrocities into just fourteen short days. Let's take a look back at his first two weeks in office, shall we?

By the way, this list comes from NPR, so I assume it's all accurate and there are no "alternative facts" here.

Saturday, January 21, 2017
Trump's first full day as president. So how'd he spend this historic day? Did he draft bills? Have a meet & greet with his new staff? Change all the locks in the White House?

Nope, he spent the day arguing over the size of the crowd at his inauguration! He insisted he drew the largest audience in history, despite the fact that aerial photos clearly showed otherwise (in the interest of fairness, it was raining that day, which might have thinned the crowds a bit). 

Hours later, Trump forced his new Press Secretary Sean Spicer to release a statement insisting that Trump's inaugural crowd was the biggest ever, because Glorious Leader must always be the best at everything he does. Sigh...

Meanwhile, the Women's March On Washington, protesting Trump and his policies, drew actual record breaking crowds.

Sunday, January 22, 2017
Trump and his staff just can't let go of the inaugural crowd thing. Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway actually goes on NBC's Meet The Press and says that when Sean Spicer was obviously lying about the crowd sizes, he was simply providing "alternative facts."

The internet predictably has a field day with this phrase. And rightly so.

Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday was a busy day for our Glorious Leader! Out of nowhere, Trump makes unfounded claims that between three and five million illegal votes were cast in the 2016 election, which caused him to lose the popular vote to Hillary Clinton.

Never mind that Trump won the goddamned election— he apparently feels he didn't win it hard enough. In his mind it's simply not possible that he didn't receive one hundred percent of the popular vote, ergo there was voter fraud. It's the only possible explanation.

Man, the only thing worse than a sore loser is a sore winner! You won the goddamned election, Trumpy! Is that not enough for you?

He was able to pry his attention away from this burning issue long enough to signal his intent to withdraw from the Trans Pacific Partnership trade agreement, and instituted a federal hiring freeze.

Spice also held another press conference, blaming the lying press for trying to "undercut the tremendous support" for Trump, and amazingly still insisting his inauguration was the most-watched ever.

Hey, Trumpy, you know that song from Frozen? "Let it go, let it GO!" No one else in the country gives a single sh*t about your goddamned inauguration or how many people were there!

Oh, and ethics experts filed a lawsuit against Trump, stating he's in violation of the Constitution because he hasn't divested himself of his overseas businesses.

Tuesday January 24, 2017
Spicer continues to insist there was widespread voter fraud in the election, but can offer no proof.

Trump approves construction of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipeline, which was halted during the Obama administration after protests from environmental groups.

He also started an investigation into how federal regulations might be impeding U.S. manufacturers. Because who cares about consumer safety when there's money to be made!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Trump signs an executive order to begin construction of a wall across the U.S./Mexico border. He says the U.S. will initially have to front the money for this boondoggle wall, but insists that Mexico will eventually pay us back. Not surprisingly, Mexico assures us they will not be paying us a single peso.

Trump also begins withholding federal funds from U.S. sanctuary cities.

In his first interview as president, Trump reiterates his belief that millions of illegals voted in the election, saying, "You have people that are registered who are dead, who are illegals, who are in two states. You have people registered in two states." 

Note that while it IS illegal to vote in two states, it's NOT illegal to be registered in more than one. In fact, many of Trump's own aides and family members are registered in multiple states. Whoops!

Thursday, January 26, 2017
Trump travels to Philly, where he gives a speech promising to repeal Obamacare and crack down on violent crime.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto cancels a trip to the U.S. after Trump insists that his country will pay for the goddamned border wall.

Trump is interviewed by Fox News, and once again goes on about the record-breaking crowds at his inauguration, which, for the last time, no one else in the entire freaking world cares about. He reiterates his claim of widespread voter fraud in November. 

Oh, and also during the interview, he says he believes waterboarding works, and talks about bringing back torture, despite the fact that it's currently outlawed (wink wink) in the U.S. 

Friday, January 27, 2017
This was the busiest day yet for Glorious Leader, as he signed an executive order banning travelers from seven Middle Eastern countries, including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Libya and Somalia. Travelers from these mostly Muslim countries are prohibited from entering the U.S. for ninety days.

Note that not a single American has ever been killed on U.S. soil by citizens from any of the seven banned countries (between 1975 and 2005). 

Trump's ban DOES NOT include Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates or Egypt, even though 3,000 Americans have been killed  on home soil by citizens from those countries (mostly in the 9/11 attacks). Visitors from these three countries are still welcome to visit the U.S. any time they damn well please. Oddly enough, Trump just happens to own multi-million dollar development deals in these three countries. Hmm... I'm sure that's just a harmless coincidence.

The ban causes widespread confusion at major airports, as it's unclear whether it affects permanent residents and people with valid visas and green cards. Protests begin nationwide. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017
Trump appoints controversial Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to be a permanent member of the principals committee. Bannon is a detestable homunculus who was a founding member of Breitbart News, a far-right news website that specializes in racist, sexist, xenophobic and anti-Semetic articles. Lovely!

Bannon is widely considered to be the real power behind the presidency. The Wormtongue to Trump's King Theoden, if you will. Trump's appointment gives Bannon equal billing with generals and other Cabinet-level officials, which, as you might imagine, he should not have.

When questioned about the appointment, Trump says he signed the executive order promoting Bannon without reading it. Yes, folks, believe it or not, this is real life.

Jesus wept.

Trump then tries to start a war with Australia by calling Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (although this won't be reported until days later). Trump basically tells Turnbull he's revoking the Obama administration deal to accept refugees from Australia. And then he hangs up on him.

Sunday, January 29, 2017
Trump authorizes his first military raid in Yemen, to flush out al-Quaida militants. The raid is a disaster, resulting in the death of a U.S. Navy SEAL, along with several civilians. Questions are raised over how and why the raid was carried out.

Gosh, this all sounds familiar somehow... (Crooked Hillary) I feel like I've heard something similar to this before (Benghazi). Maybe I'm just imagining it (send her to jail).

Protests continue over the Muslim travel ban.

Monday, January 30, 2017
Attorney General Sally Yates announces that Justice Department lawyers will not defend Trump's travel ban. Hours later, Trump fires her. Surprisingly he doesn't put her head on a pike in front of the White House to send a message to other staffers.

Other Republicans begins speaking out agains the travel ban, voicing concerns about its legality and how it will be implemented. 

Trump signs an executive order that says for every regulation the executive branch proposes, two others must be repealed (???). I don't know what the hell that means, but it sounds terrifying.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017
A relatively quiet day for Glorious Leader, as he nominates Federal Appeals Court Judge Neil Gorsuch to fill the seat of the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

Wednesday, February 1
Trump tries to start a war with Iran, announces that he's putting the country "on notice" after they conduct a ballistic missile test. Is "on notice" like "double secret probation?"

Trump then tries to start a war with Mexico, calling President Nieto and and threatening to send in U.S. troops to stop the "bad hombres down there." What the hell? What "bad hombres" is he talking about? Pancho Villa? The Frito Bandito? Speedy Gonzales?

Thursday, February 2, 2017
Trump attends the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Instead of using the public occasion to speak about his hopes and dreams for the country like a normal human, he decides to talk sh*t about Celebrity Apprentice, and how bad its ratings are now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the host. Trump actually says, "And I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings, OK?" At the National Prayer Breakfast. In front of the world.

Oh, and while everyone's jaws were dropping about that, he quietly pledged to repeal the Johnson Amendment, which prohibits tax-exempt churches and religious groups from getting involved in politics.

Friday, February 3, 2017
A federal judge halts Trump's travel ban nationwide. 

Trump continues to poke the Iran hornet's nest, announcing new sanctions against the country.
And he tries to overturn the Dodd-Frank financial regulations, which mandate that financial advisers act in the best interest of their clients, and not try to rip them off.

Saturday, February 4, 2017
Whew! After two whole weeks of destroying the Constitution, Glorious Leader is exhausted and takes his first vacation at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. That was quick!

Meanwhile, the travel ban is overturned. Trump takes this defeat as well as you'd expect, tweeting, "The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!" He later adds that because of the "terrible decision" that "many very bad and dangerous people may be pouring into our country."

And that brings us up to today! It's been quite a terrifying and demoralizing two weeks, but at least you can't say it's been boring! Eh, don't worry about it. Barring an impeachment or violent public uprising, we only have another 206 weeks of this waking nightmare to go!

Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and kill myself.

The Orville Season 3, Episode 2: Shadow Realms

This week on The Orville we get a dark and disturbing episode, one that strays firmly into Cronenbergian body horror.

Shadow Realms was co-written by Star Trek veteran and The Orville executive producer Brannon Braga, who cannibalized several of his own episodes to cobble together this one. While this is nothing new for The Orville, I gotta admit it's a little disappointing. We're in the third season of the show now, and it's high time it started going its own way and stopped following precisely in the footsteps of its inspiration.

Once again, it's clear that series creator Seth MacFarlane has officially dispensed with the humor this season, as there's absolutely nothing remotely funny to be found in this episode. The lack of humor this season is apparently quite upsetting to a lot of fans, who've taken to the internet to voice their objections (imagine that!). For the record, I'm fine with the more serious tone. It feels like the show's grown out of its awkward teen years (in which it tries to be funny in order to be liked) and finally become an adult!

As I watched the episode, I realized the main plot could be seen as a metaphor for toxic relationships. Doctor Finn's ex-husband shows up, and even though she's completely over him and has moved on with her life, he hopes to rekindle their romance. As his attempts to reconnect with her become more and more aggressive, he literally transforms into a horrifying and disgusting subhuman thing. It's as if he's literally becoming the physical embodiment of her malignant feelings toward him! 

Do I think Braga had any of this in mind when he wrote the episode? No. No I do not. But you gotta admit it all fits!

It's also interesting that unlike most iterations of Trek, there's no magic cure in this episode. Doctor Finn can't fix the infected crewmembers, as they're irrevocably transformed into aliens. There's no chance for recovery for them, and no happy ending. That's unusual for a show like this, and I appreciate that the producers didn't take the easy road here.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Mercer calls the senior staff to the briefing room, where he fills them in on their next mission— they're to pick up Vice Admiral Paul Christie, who will oversee negotiations with the Krill. If successful, the Union will then have access to the Naklav Sector, which lies deep in Krill space. Claire looks troubled at the mention of Admiral Christie's name.

Later in Sick Bay, the Admiral surprises Claire by stopping by. It's clear the two of them had a prior relationship at some point, but she's strangely chilly toward him. He asks her to dinner to catch up, but she tells him she's busy. Paul apologizes to her for an incident that happened twenty five years ago.

Sometime later, the Orville hosts two Krill delegates at a party in the Mess Hall. Mercer says he hopes this treaty will become permanent. The Krill Ambassador says not to get his hopes up, as the minute the Kaylon are defeated, the Krill will resume hostilities with the Union. Okay then!

Claire does her best to avoid Paul at the reception. She grabs a bottle of booze and asks Kelly if she'd like to skip the party with her. The two women then get plastered in Claire's quarters. She confesses she was once married to Paul (!), but never felt like his partner. She gave him and ultimatum, and he ended up walking out on her.

Sometime later Paul & Mercer meet with the Krill Ambassadors to discuss access to the Naklav Sector. The Krill give them very strict guidelines, allowing only a single ship to enter for now, and outlining a rigid route and warning them not to deviate from it. Paul says that's fine, and selects the Orville to make the first foray into the region.

Paul says he's interested in exploring the Kalarr Expanse inside the sector. The Krill bristle at this, warning them that the Expanse is a gateway to the underworld, where demons dwell and possess the souls of any who approach— causing them to commit acts of depravity. When Mercer says they'd like to see for themselves, the Krill say they won't stop them, but they won't save them either.

The Krill then leave, but not before praying for the Orville's crew— who they fear are all going to die (!).

Mercer, Kelly and Paul then confer with Admiral Halsey, to decide whether to approach the Kalarr Expanse. Halsey urges caution, but Mercer points out the Krill are all superstitious religious fanatics. He doesn't believe the supernatural hooey, and says exploration is always a risk. With that, Halsey gives the mission his blessing.

That night, Claire's having dinner alone in Mooska's. Paul approaches, and asks to join her. She reluctantly agrees, then congratulates him on the Krill negotiations. He announces he won't be leaving the ship, and is going on the mission with them.

Paul then shows her he still carries his wedding band, made from Xelayan Sun Stone (Plot Point!). He asks if there's any chance of a reconciliation, and Claire shoots him down, saying she no longer feels anything for him. Hurt, Paul gets up and leaves.

Mercer then orders the Orville to set course through Krill space for the Kalarr Expanse.

Paul enters the Astrophysics Lab, where he chats with Isaac. He points out that both of them were romantically involved with Claire, and asks Isaac what makes her happy. Isaac says her children and career. He somehow senses that Paul misses Claire, and says he feels the same way (!).

The Orville moves through the Naklav Sector, and approaches the Kalarr Expanse. The crew's unnerved by the fact that the Expanse is devoid of any stars, and looks completely black. Just then the ship picks up a distress call inside the Expanse. Mercer orders them in to check it out.

The Orville discovers the source of the signal— a massive, organic-looking space station. Scanners show it has a breathable atmosphere, so Mercer decides to take a landing party to check it out. Paul insists on going as well.

Mercer, Kelly, Claire, John, Talla and Paul take a shuttle over to the station. They dock with it and enter. Inside they find the station's dark and empty. Mercer orders them into teams of two to explore. He and Paul approach a wall of glowing white pods. While Mercer's looking elsewhere, Paul sticks his face close to one of the pods. It suddenly bursts open, startling him. He suggests they hurry back to the ship.

Back on the ship, the Away Team, er, I mean landing party meets in Engineering for some reason. Isaac says there are no life signs aboard the station, and can't understand its purpose. Claire wonders if the station itself is a life form. Just then Paul doubles over in pain and collapses. His face shrivels and distorts.

Cut to Sick Bay, where Claire's treating Paul, who appears to be growing a couple of extra eyes. She says his DNA's changing, and isn't sure she can stop it. Mercer recalls Paul saying the pod opened in his face, and Claire says if she had a sample of it she might be able to help him.

Mercer, Talla and John all don environmental suits (FINALLY!) and return to the station. They find the wall of pods, and Talla collects a sample from one that opens. John ominously points out that the station's no longer broadcasting a distress beacon— it's now sending out its coordinates.

Back in Sickbay, Paul wakes and tells Claire he's scared. He begs her to put the wedding ring on his finger (Plot Point!) and she says she won't let him die.

Mercer calls Claire from the shuttle, and says they found a bacterial spore on the station, which must have infected Paul. Talla recommends decontamination when they get back to the ship. Claire goes to tell Paul the news, and finds he's gone.

Just then the Orville's power goes out, as the engines shut down and the ship's plunged into darkness. Claire tells Nurse Park she's gonna check on her kids and leaves. Park hears a noise, and finds Paul's ripped-up uniform lying on the floor. He turns around and screams as a creature attacks.

The shuttle approaches the ship and sees it's dead in the water. John says they'll have to dock manually. They do so, and John says he's going to Engineering to try and restore power.

Claire reaches her quarters, but finds them empty.

Elsewhere, Marcus and Ty Finn are searching the darkened corridors for their mother. Mercer & Talla reach the Bridge, where Kelly, Gordon and Charly are trying to restore limited power. 

Down in Engineering, John says the power dampening field must be in one of the ship's one hundred and thirty two conduits, so he and Isaac start physically searching them.

Marcus & Ty hear something chasing them in a corridor, and run to the Mess Hall to hide. Lt. Redshirt, er, I mean Woodson finds them, and offers to escort them back to their quarters. Suddenly a creature attacks Woodson, spitting a green goo in his face. He instantly transforms into one of the creatures.

Marcus and Ty flee for their lives, and make it to the Bridge. They tell the others what they saw, and Claire realizes Paul's become one of the aliens and is transforming the rest of the crew. She theorizes that's how this Arachnid race reproduces. Talla says she's going to find John and warn him, and Bortus escorts Claire to Sickbay, where she hopes to find a way to reverse the alien threat.

John manages to restore partial power to the ship. Just then he encounters two Arachnids, and manages to lock himself in the Brig behind a forcefield. Talla sees John's predicament, and lures the creatures to the Shuttle Bay. They attack her, but are no match for her enhanced Xelauan strength.

Elsewhere, Isaac's walking through a corridor and encounters one of the Arachnids. It examines him, but realizes his robotic body is incompatible with its spores and moves on. Isaac releases John from the Brig, and the two return to the Bridge. John restores communications. Talla brings the corpse of one of the Arachnids to Sickbay for Claire to examine.

Meanwhile, the crew detects the approach of an Arachnid ship, which no doubt picked up the station's homing signal. Unfortunately the Orville still doesn't have Quantum Drive, and can't escape.

Claire examines the Arachnid corpse and realizes its immune system hasn't fully formed yet. She theorizes she could whip up a virus that would kill the creatures, while being relatively harmless to the crew.

Mercer points out that the Arachnids were once their shipmates, and didn't ask for what happened to them. He says they should try to communicate with them, to give them a chance to leave peacefully before releasing the virus. Claire says she knows how to get the message across. She has Talla scan for Xelayan Sun Stone, and she detects a small amount in Engineering.

Claire goes to Engineering, where she finds Arachnid Paul— still wearing his Xelayan Sun Stone wedding band. She tells him about the virus, and offers him and his fellow creatures the chance to go. He refuses, so Claire orders the virus released into the vents. Arachnid Paul painfully growls no, and says they'll leave— but "not forever."

Sometime later, Claire's dining at Mooska's again. Isaac comes in to check on her well being, which surprises her. He tells her that he and Paul discussed her, as she was something they both had in common. She admits she's missed Isaac, and invites him to join her.

Thoughts:

• Jesus, this episode was dark! Not just in tone, but illumination-wise as well. I had to lighten practically every screencap just so I didn't post a bunch of black rectangles!

• I'm still amazed by the increased level of detail in the physical and digital models of the Orville this year. It's especially noticeable when you compare it to the Season 1 and 2 version, as it now looks unnaturally smooth— almost like a cartoon!

Even more amazing— instead of opaque white windows, we can now see through them and into the ship. You can even see people milling around on the Bridge! Awesome!

• The episode begins with Mercer briefing the main characters, er, I mean the ship's department heads— Kelly, Bortus, Claire, John, Talla and Isaac. For some reason, Gordon and Charly are there as well. But why? They're the helmsman and navigator respectively, neither of which are department head positions.

I get why the real world reason why they're there— because it's a TV show and the audience expects to see all the characters. I can't think of any good in-universe reason for their presence though.

• Claire's less than enthused when her ex-husband (more on that in a second!) Admiral Paul Christie boards the ship to oversee the negotiations with the Krill.

Paul's played by James Read, a prolific character actor who's been in virtually everything, including stints on soaps such as General Hospital and Days Of Our Lives.

• Nice Attention To Detail/Canon: The ship's lighting seems to be turned way down while the Krill Ambassadors are on board. Someone remembered their deadly susceptibility to bright lights! Well done!

• At the Krill reception, Bortus investigates a tray of hors d'oeuvres. He sniffs one, then jerks his head back in disgust when the smell apparently doesn't agree with him. 

Wait, is this the same Bortus from Krill, who demonstrated how he could eat literally anything? Even a drinking glass? So why's he being all dainty & selective now?

• After skipping out on the reception, Claire confesses to Kelly that she was married once— to Paul!

Wait, what? That's certainly a new character development! When the hell was she ever married?

Back in Season 1's Into The Fold, Claire and Isaac had the following conversation:

Isaac: "I have noticed that many other families on the Orville include two parents. Where is your counterpart?"
Claire: "I don't have a husband."
Isaac: "Was he destroyed?"
Claire: "No."
Isaac: "Did you grow to despise each other, and terminate your coupling?"
Claire: "I chose to be a single mother. I always wanted kids, but never found a man I wanted to have them with."
Isaac: "Ah. Artificial impregnation."

Claire: "You're getting a tad personal, don't you think?"

OK, I guess there's some slight wiggle room here, as technically she didn't actually state she was never married— but she never said she was, either. I'm calling this revelation a big ol' retcon!

• During the negotiations, the Krill have a laundry list of demands to be met before they'll let the Orville into their space. Among the items: they want to place a tracking device on the ship to monitor its whereabouts inside their territory. Admiral Christie reluctantly agrees. 

I guess they must have installed that while we weren't looking, because it's never mentioned again.

• Admiral Halsey's back! He makes a brief cameo as Mercer and Paul confer with him as to whether to enter the Expanse or not. At one point Paul calls him "Tom," which I'm pretty sure is the first time we've ever heard his first name.

• Halsey asks if there's any evidence to support the Krill superstitions surrounding the Expanse. Mercer replies: 

"No. In fact, from what we gather, none of their ships have ventured into the Expanse in more than a century. The copy of the Anhkana we have in our database has a few passages about 'shadow realms.' Lots of colorful language about soul-sucking demons with eight eyes and huge fangs. Horror movie stuff."

Later on when the Orville crewmembers transform into the Arachnid species, we see they do indeed have eight eyes and huge fangs! Well done!

• Heh. Even in the 25th Century, people will still be looking at their phones while they eat!

• Paul sees Claire dining by herself in Mooska's and asks if he can join her. She reluctantly agrees, and the first comment out of her mouth is, "So when do you leave for Outpost 55?" YOWCH! Message received, loud and clear!

• As the ship prepares to enter Krill space, Mercer gives the crew an "inspirational" speech. We then get a montage of various departments listening to him. There's the Shuttlebay, where we get a good look at the new shuttle design, as well as the needle-like Pteradon fighter that debuted last week.

We then see this unknown room. It looks a LOT like Engineering, except everyone's in it's wearing a green science uniform. I guess it must be some kind of lab?

• Paul's surprised to find out that Isaac once dated Claire. Desperate to reconnect with her, he asks Isaac if he knows what makes her happy. Isaac replies with a list of her favorite things, including listening to the rain and her preferred sexual positions (!).

Someone did their homework, as back in A Happy Refrain, Claire did indeed tell Isaac of her love of sitting on the porch in the rain.

As for the sex thing, that apparently happened as well, as Claire discussed it with Kelly in the same episode:

Claire: "It's the best it's ever been for me. And maybe it's okay that it doesn't look like I thought it would. Maybe it's okay that it looks like a woman and a vacuum cleaner. I think I'm in love with him."

• The Orville makes it through Krill space without incident, then approaches the Kalarr Expanse. The crew marvels that the region is completely devoid of stars. 

The Orville didn't invent this "starless void" trope, as it's been around for decades and was used in pretty much every iteration of Star Trek. I get why they use it here though, as it makes for a spooky and unnerving visual. It's also a bunch of hooey, as it would be nigh impossible to find a large area of space where no stars were visible.

Isaac says the Expanse extends for 800 parsecs. A parsec is 3.26 lightyears, which means the Expanse is 2,608 lightyears across. Sounds pretty big, till you realize we can see stars up to 16,000 lightyears away with the naked eye. Which means even if the Expanse was somehow completely devoid of stars, there'd still be distant ones visible outside its border.

Verdict: A starless region of space is pure science fantasy bullsh*t! And yes, I realize I'm being ridiculously obsessive here, but whatever.

• As the ship enters the Expanse, it finds a creepy-looking space station. I love how the second they see it, Mercer & Kelly both stand in unison and walk toward to the main viewer to... get a closer look at it I guess?

• The alien space station is very... crustacean-like. Nothing wrong with that, as it adds to its alienness!

• Isaac scans the station and says it's pressurized, and surrounded by a breathable atmosphere. We then see his readout, and it looks for all the world like it's showing us the atmosphere actually encases the outside of the station!

I guess that's a thing that could happen, although I'm not really sure what the point would be.

• I love this shot of the shuttle exiting the rear of the ship. I especially like how the interior of the Shuttlebay is visible and in perfect perspective. The FX really have been leveled up this season!

• it made me laugh to see 2/3 of the Away Team, er I mean Landing Party standing in the shuttle rather than sitting comfortably. I guess they're only flying a couple thousand feet, so it doesn't really matter, but.. there ARE plenty of seats in there, guys!

This isn't anything new, by the way. The characters stood like this in the first two seasons as well.

Also, back in the The Original Series, Kirk, Spock & McCoy were always going on dangerous missions to various planets— something that would never happen in any branch of the military. 

By the time The Next Generation rolled around, the writers addressed this "unrealistic" problem by sending Commander Riker on away missions, while leaving Captain Picard safely on the Bridge. 

Looks like The Orville's decided to go the TOS route, as the entire senior staff rides directly into the fray!

• Nothing good ever happens where there are doors like this.

• Critics of this episode complained that the crew willingly entered this potentially deadly alien environment without wearing any kind of protective gear whatsoever. 

Sadly, I can't argue with that! In fact I can't think of any reason for them NOT gear up in spacesuits, other than so the episode can happen. Disappointing!

• Ah, but the stupidity doesn't stop there! Not only does the whole Landing Party waltz into an unknown environment in their space pajamas, but they seem determined to ignore any kind of safety protocols. For example, Kelly almost touches a pulsating organic wall with her bare hand, till Claire tells her to knock it off.

Then John leans in close to a glowing alien hornet's nest, and even turns his back on it!

And of course Paul— who's an ADMIRAL, mind you, and presumably smarter than the rest of the team— sticks his head right in front of a glowing alien seed pod, which of course explodes in his face.

It's almost like these people are trying to get killed!

• Naturally the pod sprays some kind of alien spores into Paul's face, which begin mutating him. Kudos to the makeup department here, for making the Admiral looks suitably gross and disturbing! I was surprised they didn't make his giant eye blink, but eh, it was still plenty unsettling!

• Mercer, Talla and John return to the station to collect samples that might be able to help cure Paul. Now that the horse is out of the barn and down the road into the next county, they FINALLY don protective spacesuits.

Note that their suits are color coded, as Mercer's has glowing blue lights and Talla's has red.

• More character stupidity, er, I mean plot contrivance: despite the fact that Admiral Christie is mutating into an alien man-spider, Claire doesn't throw up a forcefield around his bed. 

Even if the Orville doesn't have that kind of technology, surely they have some means of quarantining patients who pose a threat to the rest of the crew. Instead she just leaves this potentially infectious patient lying right out in the open in the middle of Sickbay— again, for no other reason than so the plot can happen.

• Last week I noted that the Orville's powered by a large glowing orb, similar to the beryllium sphere over on Galaxy Quest.

In this episode, Paul cuts power to the ship, and we get a shot of Engineering as the glowing orb seemingly dissipates and vanishes! So I guess it isn't a solid, physical object after all, and just a big ball of energy? Odd.

• The first time the shuttle flew over to the station, it took a minute or less each way. When Mercer & Co. revisit it, it takes them at least ten times that long to return to the ship. Long enough for them to contact Claire and tell her they've collected a bacterial sample, long enough for the mutated Admiral to escape and cut the power, long enough for Claire to go off looking for her kids and long enough for Nurse Park to get attacked. 

Why such a big difference? Were they driving along reeeeeally slowly the second time they came back?

• Was this Nurse Park's last show? It certainly seems like it! The Arachnids aren't killing the crew when they attack, they're reproducing by mutating them into their own kind. It's strongly implied that he's been turned into an Arachnid! 

Whether he was among those killed by the crew or went off with Arachnid Paul at the end isn't clear.

Park first appeared back in Cupid's Dagger, and has been a background regular since.

• As Marcus and Ty search for their mom, they're intercepted by Lt. Woodson. Of course Woodson's a literal redshirt, as seconds later he's pinned down by an Arachnid and mutated into one of them!

• John recreates a scene from ALIEN as he crawls through a darkened Jeffries Tube, er, I mean engineering conduit. He's even chased through the cramped tunnels by one of the Arachnids, just like Captain Dallas in ALIEN!

• John manages to restore limited power to the ship. I love how the Bridge readouts are then pale yellow instead of their usual glowing blue, to indicate they're not at full power.

• John escapes from a couple of Arachnids by hiding in the Brig behind a forcefield. Quite rightly, once he's inside there's no way to get back out. Wouldn't make much sense for the field controls to be inside a jail cell!

Good thing the forcefield was apparently still at full strength, even though the rest of the ship only had partial power!

• This is probably our best look we get at the Arachnids during the whole episode. They're a pretty cool design, and are a combo of CGI and rubber suits. Obviously when they're jumping around and running on walls they're digital, but I'm pretty sure they're real in the closeups.

• Talla uses her Xelayan strength to battle several Arachnids in the Shuttlebay. Looks like she's a big fan of the WWE!

• Isaac has a close encounter with one of the Arachnids, which ends up ignoring him because he's inorganic. You know, it would have been a really good idea to have sent HIM back to the station to collect the spore samples, since he can't be transformed! But no, sending humans into a deadly biological hot zone is fine too.

• This is some Heavy Duty Nitpicking, but whatever. Claire says she can't figure out a way to revert the mutated crew unless one of them agrees to a physical. Right on cue, Talla enters with one of the Arachnids she killed. Claire beams and says, "We have a patient!"

Yeah, that's not a patient, that's a specimen! "Patient" refers to a living subject.

Told you it was Heavy Duty!

• Gordon detects an Arachnid ship on its way to the station— presumably to take over the Orville and mutate the rest of the crew.

So despite the fact that the Arachnids act like primitive, animalistic horror movie monsters, somehow they're apparently smart enough to develop space travel and quantum drive. Interesting.

Also, I love the fact that each race on this show has their own specific ship colors. The Union ships all glow blue, Krill vessels are green, etc. It's a nice bit of visual shorthand.

• Claire's able to figure out which Arachnid was Paul by scanning for his wedding band. Lucky that this savage and brutal alien— whose only thought it to turn others into his own kind— didn't rip the ring from his finger.

• Claire discovers the Arachnids' immune systems don't fully kick in until about two weeks after they first mutate. She figures she can use that weakness to infect and kill them all.

I was gonna say that two week delay seemed like a pretty big design flaw in the Arachnids' biology. After all, being susceptible to disease for the first couple weeks of one's life would be mighty dangerous. But it turns out the same thing happens in humans! It takes a whole two to three months for a baby's immune system to fully kick in!

So never mind, and well done writers!

• Claire develops a virus that'll kill the Arachnids. Just as she's about to release it though, Mercer stops her— pointing out that these aliens used to be their crewmates and didn't ask for what happened to them.

That's a very Star Trek issue to raise, as the franchise has always been about seeking out new life and communicating with it.

On the other hand, Mercer's eleventh hour protest comes completely out of nowhere, and even though he's right, it felt unearned and tacked on. Not to mention the fact that just a few minutes earlier Talla straight up murdered at least two of them, seemingly without a second thought.

• Claire eventually talks Arachnid Paul and his brethren into leaving the ship peacefully. So... just how the hell did they do that? Did Mercer give 'em a shuttle to fly over to the station? Or can Arachnids survive in the vacuum of space, and they all just jumped out the nearest airlock?

Apparently it's none of our goddamn business, as their means of escape is never addressed.

• So just how many of the Orville crew were turned into Arachnids? Eh, it's impossible to know— especially since there's no way to tell them apart, and we could have been seeing the same four or five over and over.

Based on what we see in the episode though, I'm estimating there were at least twenty Arachnids.

Note that there's no infamous Star Trek Reset Button here, where everything's put right in the final scene of the episode. Instead, a large number of the crew were wiped out as they were irreparably transformed into a completely different race. There's no last minute restoration, no real resolution and no happy ending. The crew poked around where they didn't belong and got a bloody nose for it.

• In the tag scene, Isaac goes to Mooska's to check on Claire and make sure she's OK after Paul's untimely death. She's touched and more than a little surprised by his uncharacteristically human gesture. She admits she's missed Isaac, and asks him to join her for dinner.

So I guess this means Claire's forgiven Isaac for the whole "Betraying The Human Race To The Kaylons" thing, and is willing to start up their romance again!

• This Week's Incongruous 21st Century (And Earlier!) References:
Really only one I noticed, as Gordon & Charly both make humorous quips about Vegas.

• This Week's Star Trek Swipes:
Holy cow, where do I even start with this episode? Get comfortable, as this is gonna take a while!

— First off, the idea of a spooky and deadly region of space has been done before in Trek. In the Enterprise episode The Expanse, the alien Xindi attack Earth. Starfleet orders Captain Archer & crew to retaliate, but unfortunately the Xindi homeworld lies in the middle of a deadly void. Vulcan Ambassador Soval warns Archer about this area:

Soval: "They're inside the Delphic Expanse."

Archer: "What's that?"
Soval: "A region of space nearly two thousand light years across. Vulcan ships have entered it, but only a few have returned."
Archer: "Sounds like you're talking about the Bermuda Triangle."
Soval: "There have been reports of fierce and dangerous species, unexplained anomalies. In some regions, even the laws of physics don't apply. Twenty years ago, a Klingon vessel emerged from the Expanse. Every crewmen on board had been anatomically inverted, their bodies splayed open— and they were still alive. You'd be more than foolish to pursue this course of action."

In Shadow Realms, the Krill Ambassador warns the Orville to stay the hell out of the Kalarr Expanse, as "it's a gateway to the underworld, where demons lie in wait to possess the souls of those who dare stray within their reach." Pretty much the same thing!

— Then there's the TNG episode Identity Crisis. In it, the crew discovers that an Away Team that visited Tarchannen III five years earlier were all unknowingly infected with an alien parasite. This microorganism is now causing the Away Team members— including Geordi LaForge— to mutate into an alien race. Doctor Crusher theorizes this race reproduces by infecting other species and turning them into Tarchannens. Fortunately she's able to reverse the process and restore Geordi at the last minute.

Shadow Realms borrows HEAVILY from this episode, as the Orville crew explores the Kalarr Expanse, where they encounter the Arachnids— who reproduce by infecting other species with bacterial spores that transform them into their own race. Unfortunately Doctor Finn isn't able to cure the infected, and they permanently become Arachnids.

— As close as those examples are though, they pale in comparison to Shadow Realms' resemblance to TNG's Genesis. In that episode, the Enterprise-D crew is accidentally infected with "T-cell virus" (whatever that is) that causes them to devolve into primitive life forms. Commander Riker becomes a caveman, Counselor Troi some sort of amphibian and Worf transforms into a terrifying proto-Klingon creature.

Captain Picard and Data return from a mission, and discover the ship is powerless and drifting in space. Once they board, they attempt to restore power while avoiding the now-monstrous crew.

Shadow Realms is practically a shot for shot remake of Genesis, right down to the crew wandering the darkened halls of the powerless ship as they're attacked by alien monsters. Heck, both episodes even feature a crewman who gets mutated into a humanoid spider— complete with multiple faceted eyes! Jesus Christ!

Not surprisingly, Identity Crisis, Genesis and Shadow Realms were all written (or co-written) by The Orville's Executive Producer Brannon Braga. He seems obsessed with writing episodes in which the various crews mutate, and pretty much plagiarized his old scripts this week!

On the other hand, Genesis first aired back in 1994, which was a whopping twenty eight years ago. I guess it's acceptable for writers to repeat an idea once every three decades or so!

• This Week's Best Lines:
Paul: "You're as beautiful as ever."
Claire: "Save your charm for the Krill. You're gonna need it."

(Claire discusses her marriage to Paul with Kelly.)
Claire: "I gave him an ultimatum, and... he walked away."
Kelly: "Were you devastated?"
Claire: "At the time, I was crushed, yeah. I questioned everything about myself. Every way I turned it over in my head, I kept feeling like I was the one at fault, like I made a huge mistake. But when I remember it now, it's like... I'm watching someone else's daughter. I'm sad for her, but I know she needs to learn her own lessons."

Paul: "Anything your cartographers could share with us would be greatly appreciated, especially concerning the Kalarr Expanse."
Krill Ambassador: "You... do not intend to enter the Expanse?"
Kelly: "Why wouldn't we?"
Krill: "It is a domain of evil."

Mercer: "What do you mean?"

Krill: "Demons dwell within the Expanse."
Kelly: "Could you be a little more specific?"
Krill: "The Anhkana warns of Shadow Realms. Gateways to the depths of the underworld, where demons lie in wait to possess the souls of those who dare to stray within their reach. They corrupt all that is holy. Within their grasp, even the most righteous can be forced to commit unspeakable acts of depravity."
Mercer: "Do you have any direct evidence that these 'demons' really exist?"
Krill: "It is written in the Anhkana. That is all the evidence we need."
Paul: "We appreciate the warning, and we'll take every precaution, but that area covers more than half the sector. We are explorers. So if it's all the same to you, we'd like to see for ourselves what's out there."
Krill: "We will not stop you. But do not expect us to save you."

Admiral Halsey: "I'm just suggesting the possibility that their claim, absurd though it may be, could indicate the presence of some real threat. And because they're Krill, they process it through the lens of their religion."

Kelly: "Which still doesn't give us much of a road map. I mean, their religion is... confusing, to say the least."

Paul: "All religions are confusing. How do you think the priests stay in business?"

(Paul discusses Claire with Isaac.)
Paul: "I've heard from a few folks on board that you two were... involved."

Isaac: "That is accurate."

Paul: "Well, you know, I was with Claire, too, a long time ago."

Isaac: "Then we share a common experience."

Paul: "After all this time, she's moved on, but I'm afraid that I haven't. I hope you don't mind me telling you this."

Isaac: "No, sir. I have observed many such paradoxes in human relationships."

Paul: "Well, to be blunt... I was hoping you could give me some insight into what makes Claire happy these days."

Isaac: "Dr. Finn values her children above all else. She has often stated that she would sacrifice her own life for them."

Paul: "Go on."

Isaac: "Her career as a Union medical officer is also a crucial part of her identity. She is highly empathetic and takes great satisfaction in helping others."

Paul: "She always has."

Isaac: "Her recreational interests include music, dancing, fine dining, rain showers and sеxual relations. Her preferred mating positions include..."

Paul: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's... plenty helpful, Isaac. Thank you."

Isaac: "Am I to understand that you find it a challenge to process her daily absence?"

Paul: "Yes, you could say that."

Isaac: "It is another common experience we share."

Claire: (to Arachnid Paul) "Take your people and go, or I swear we'll destroy every last one of you."

Arachnid Paul: "Not Paul. More. You... will... see."

Claire: "See what?"

Arachnid Paul: "You will be... of us."

Claire: "Finn to bridge."

Mercer: "Mercer here."

Claire: "Prepare to release the toxin. Start with the Engineering deck."

Mercer: "Understood."

(Arachnid Paul shrieks.)

Arachnid Paul: "We go."

Claire: "Thank you."

Arachnid Paul: (ominously) "Not... forever."