Monday, February 6, 2017

Has It Really Only Been Two Weeks?

Believe it or not, this past Friday (February 3, 2017) marked our Glorious Leader Trump's first two weeks in office. Seriously? It's really only been two weeks? That can't possibly be right, can it? If feels like twelve years.

It's been quite an eventful period, as Trump tried to cram a full year's worth of atrocities into just fourteen short days. Let's take a look back at his first two weeks in office, shall we?

By the way, this list comes from NPR, so I assume it's all accurate and there are no "alternative facts" here.

Saturday, January 21, 2017
Trump's first full day as president. So how'd he spend this historic day? Did he draft bills? Have a meet & greet with his new staff? Change all the locks in the White House?


Nope, he spent the day arguing over the size of the crowd at his inauguration! He insisted he drew the largest audience in history, despite the fact that aerial photos clearly showed otherwise (in the interest of fairness, it was raining that day, which might have thinned the crowds a bit). 

Hours later, Trump forced his new Press Secretary Sean Spicer to release a statement insisting that Trump's inaugural crowd was the biggest ever, because Glorious Leader must always be the best at everything he does. Sigh...

Meanwhile, the Women's March On Washington, protesting Trump and his policies, drew actual record breaking crowds.

Sunday, January 22, 2017
Trump and his staff just can't let go of the inaugural crowd thing. Trump counselor Kellyanne Conway actually goes on NBC's Meet The Press and says that when Sean Spicer was obviously lying about the crowd sizes, he was simply providing "alternative facts."

The internet predictably has a field day with this phrase. And rightly so.

Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday was a busy day for our Glorious Leader! Out of nowhere, Trump makes unfounded claims that between three and five million illegal votes were cast in the 2016 election, which caused him to lose the popular vote to Hillary Clinton.

Never mind that Trump won the goddamned election— he apparently feels he didn't win it hard enough. In his mind it's simply not possible that he didn't receive one hundred percent of the popular vote, ergo there was voter fraud. It's the only possible explanation.

Man, the only thing worse than a sore loser is a sore winner! You won the goddamned election, Trumpy! Is that not enough for you?

He was able to pry his attention away from this burning issue long enough to signal his intent to withdraw from the Trans Pacific Partnership trade agreement, and instituted a federal hiring freeze.

Spice also held another press conference, blaming the lying press for trying to "undercut the tremendous support" for Trump, and amazingly still insisting his inauguration was the most-watched ever.

Hey, Trumpy, you know that song from Frozen? "Let it go, let it GO!" No one else in the country gives a single sh*t about your goddamned inauguration or how many people were there!

Oh, and ethics experts filed a lawsuit against Trump, stating he's in violation of the Constitution because he hasn't divested himself of his overseas businesses.


Tuesday January 24, 2017
Spicer continues to insist there was widespread voter fraud in the election, but can offer no proof.


Trump approves construction of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipeline, which was halted during the Obama administration after protests from environmental groups.

He also started an investigation into how federal regulations might be impeding U.S. manufacturers. Because who cares about consumer safety when there's money to be made!

Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Trump signs an executive order to begin construction of a wall across the U.S./Mexico border. He says the U.S. will initially have to front the money for this boondoggle wall, but insists that Mexico will eventually pay us back. Not surprisingly, Mexico assures us they will not be paying us a single peso.


Trump also begins withholding federal funds from U.S. sanctuary cities.

In his first interview as president, Trump reiterates his belief that millions of illegals voted in the election, saying, "You have people that are registered who are dead, who are illegals, who are in two states. You have people registered in two states." 

Note that while it IS illegal to vote in two states, it's NOT illegal to be registered in more than one. In fact, many of Trump's own aides and family members are registered in multiple states. Whoops!

Thursday, January 26, 2017
Trump travels to Philly, where he gives a speech promising to repeal Obamacare and crack down on violent crime.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto cancels a trip to the U.S. after Trump insists that his country will pay for the goddamned border wall.

Trump is interviewed by Fox News, and once again goes on about the record-breaking crowds at his inauguration, which, for the last time, no one else in the entire freaking world cares about. He reiterates his claim of widespread voter fraud in November. 

Oh, and also during the interview, he says he believes waterboarding works, and talks about bringing back torture, despite the fact that it's currently outlawed (wink wink) in the U.S. 

Friday, January 27, 2017
This was the busiest day yet for Glorious Leader, as he signed an executive order banning travelers from seven Middle Eastern countries, including Iraq, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Libya and Somalia. Travelers from these mostly Muslim countries are prohibited from entering the U.S. for ninety days.


Note that not a single American has ever been killed on U.S. soil by citizens from any of the seven banned countries (between 1975 and 2005). 

Trump's ban DOES NOT include Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates or Egypt, even though 3,000 Americans have been killed  on home soil by citizens from those countries (mostly in the 9/11 attacks). Visitors from these three countries are still welcome to visit the U.S. any time they damn well please. Oddly enough, Trump just happens to own multi-million dollar development deals in these three countries. Hmm... I'm sure that's just a harmless coincidence.

The ban causes widespread confusion at major airports, as it's unclear whether it affects permanent residents and people with valid visas and green cards. Protests begin nationwide. 

Saturday, January 28, 2017
Trump appoints controversial Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to be a permanent member of the principals committee. Bannon is a detestable homunculus who was a founding member of Breitbart News, a far-right news website that specializes in racist, sexist, xenophobic and anti-Semetic articles. Lovely!

Bannon is widely considered to be the real power behind the presidency. The Wormtongue to Trump's King Theoden, if you will. Trump's appointment gives Bannon equal billing with generals and other Cabinet-level officials, which, as you might imagine, he should not have.

When questioned about the appointment, Trump says he signed the executive order promoting Bannon without reading it. Yes, folks, believe it or not, this is real life.

Jesus wept.

Trump then tries to start a war with Australia by calling Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (although this won't be reported until days later). Trump basically tells Turnbull he's revoking the Obama administration deal to accept refugees from Australia. And then he hangs up on him.

Sunday, January 29, 2017
Trump authorizes his first military raid in Yemen, to flush out al-Quaida militants. The raid is a disaster, resulting in the death of a U.S. Navy SEAL, along with several civilians. Questions are raised over how and why the raid was carried out.

Gosh, this all sounds familiar somehow... (Crooked Hillary) I feel like I've heard something similar to this before (Benghazi). Maybe I'm just imagining it (send her to jail).

Protests continue over the Muslim travel ban.

Monday, January 30, 2017
Attorney General Sally Yates announces that Justice Department lawyers will not defend Trump's travel ban. Hours later, Trump fires her. Surprisingly he doesn't put her head on a pike in front of the White House to send a message to other staffers.

Other Republicans begins speaking out agains the travel ban, voicing concerns about its legality and how it will be implemented. 

Trump signs an executive order that says for every regulation the executive branch proposes, two others must be repealed (???). I don't know what the hell that means, but it sounds terrifying.


Tuesday, January 31, 2017
A relatively quiet day for Glorious Leader, as he nominates Federal Appeals Court Judge Neil Gorsuch to fill the seat of the late Justice Antonin Scalia.


Wednesday, February 1
Trump tries to start a war with Iran, announces that he's putting the country "on notice" after they conduct a ballistic missile test. Is "on notice" like "double secret probation?"


Trump then tries to start a war with Mexico, calling President Nieto and and threatening to send in U.S. troops to stop the "bad hombres down there." What the hell? What "bad hombres" is he talking about? Pancho Villa? The Frito Bandito? Speedy Gonzales?

Thursday, February 2, 2017
Trump attends the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Instead of using the public occasion to speak about his hopes and dreams for the country like a normal human, he decides to talk sh*t about Celebrity Apprentice, and how bad its ratings are 
now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the host. Trump actually says, "And I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings, OK?" At the National Prayer Breakfast. In front of the world.

Oh, and while everyone's jaws were dropping about that, he quietly pledged to repeal the Johnson Amendment, which prohibits tax-exempt churches and religious groups from getting involved in politics.

Friday, February 3, 2017
A federal judge halts Trump's travel ban nationwide. 


Trump continues to poke the Iran hornet's nest, announcing new sanctions against the country.
And he tries to overturn the Dodd-Frank financial regulations, which mandate that financial advisers act in the best interest of their clients, and not try to rip them off.

Saturday, February 4, 2017
Whew! After two whole weeks of destroying the Constitution, Glorious Leader is exhausted and takes his first vacation at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida. That was quick!


Meanwhile, the travel ban is overturned. Trump takes this defeat as well as you'd expect, tweeting, "The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law-enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned!" He later adds that because of the "terrible decision" that "many very bad and dangerous people may be pouring into our country."

And that brings us up to today! It's been quite a terrifying and demoralizing two weeks, but at least you can't say it's been boring! Eh, don't worry about it. Barring an impeachment or violent public uprising, we only have another 206 weeks of this waking nightmare to go!

Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and kill myself.

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