Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Things That Happened On Earth This Week: 1/18/17

DATELINE: VANCOUVER, B.C. 

This week Mengfa International, which is apparently some sort of business concern in Canada, sued the Vancouver Building Council for refusing to let them build a Moby Dick's seafood restaurant. When Mengfa asked why their permit was denied, the Council claimed that the name "Moby Dick" is offensive.

Jesus wept. 

The Council also went on to say that opening a restaurant called Moby Dick would "hurt the value of neighboring properties, and that the restaurant would bring increased litter and violate city laws on odor."

So not only are there no readers on the Vancouver Building Council, but the members are all bath*t insane as well.

The restaurant of course is named after the 1851 novel by Herman Melville, which tells the tale of Captain Ahab, a seaman who's obsessed with finding and killing the great white whale which cost him his leg. The book ends with– SPOILER ALERT FOR A 166 YEAR OLD NOVEL– the narrator Ishmael floating on a coffin in the middle of the ocean after Moby Dick destroys the whaling ship and kills everyone aboard.

In light of the Council's ruling, Mengfa has reportedly decided to open a different restaurant called "C*nt Burger."

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DATELINE: VENEZUELA 

This week a woman was caught trying to sneak her boyfriend out of the Puente Ayala Prison in Vebezuela
— in a suitcase!

Antonieta Robles Souda visited her boyfriend José Antonio Anzoátegui, who was serving a nine year sentence for car theft. She brought a large pink suitcase with her, which amazingly didn't arouse suspicion among the prison staff. Apparently overnight stays by family members are SOP in this particular prison (!), so no one thought anything about it.

It wasn't until the tiny woman was seen struggling with the suitcase the next morning that guards began to think something might be amiss. They ordered her to open the suitcase and discovered her boyfriend stuffed inside. Impressive! 

If nothing else, I gotta give them props for sheer chutzpah and ingenuity. 

Sadly, there's no way in hell this trick could ever be tried in 'Murica. Unless you had a six foot square suitcase, maybe.

This isn't the first time José and Antonieta have had a brush with the law. Several years ago Antonieta and José tried the old "sit on one person's shoulders while wearing a hat and a long trench coat" trick to enter a local cineplex with just one paid ticket.

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DATELINE: AMERICA 
This week a Redditor user claimed that his new pair of workboots, made by the Polar Fox company, left swastika-shaped footprints wherever he walked.

Sigh... this again? Two or three times a year some fidgety worrywart goes ballistic because they start seeing swastikas where there are n 

Holy crap, those are swastikas. Jesus Christ, they're perfect too. How the hell did this get through this company's quality control department?

Polar Fox has since recalled the boots, and the company's large, chubby, mustachioed spokesman held a press conference where he simply stated, "I see nuhsink! Nuhsink!"

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DATELINE: LAS VEGAS, NEVADA 
This week at CES, an annual convention spotlighting technology and gadgets, the Spartan Underwear company debuted their new radiation-proof boxers.

The underwear contains a blend of silver fibers and cotton, which supposedly blocks 99% of the radiation from mobile phones and wi-fi signals. That's right it's a goddamned Farady Cage for your junk!

Best of all, Spartan boxers are designed in Paris "for an exceptional fit and amazing design." Ooh la lah! Élégant et sans rayonnement!

My favorite feature of Spartan boxers is that they're seamless, orderless and CONfortable. Who needs proofreaders?

Of course there's no concrete evidence that cell phone radiation or wi-fi signals are in any way dangerous, but when has that ever stopped companies from taking advantage of an uninformed and jittery clientele?

Spartan boxers sell for just $44.49 per pair, which seems pretty pricey where I'm from. Maybe if you're that worried about your phone shriveling up your family jewels, you should, oh, I don't know, maybe stop shoving it into your pocket next to your genitals.

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DATELINE: NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
This week a new Harry Potter-themed restaurant opened in New York City's Lower East Side. The eatery, called Pasta Wiz, promises patrons a variety of magical-themed dishes, guaranteed to arrive at your table a mere five minutes after you order. So you just know it's gotta be good, right?

Um, note to the owner of this establishment: I know you've already spent thousands for your various permits and your sign and menus, but you need to ditch that name PRONTO. Nobody wants to eat at a place with "wiz" in its name. Trust me on this. Maybe "Pasta Wizard" would have been a better choice.

Expectorate pastorum!

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DATELINE: BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA 
This week at the 74th Golden Globes Awards, director JJ Abrams announced that he's "done with reboots."
Ah. So I guess that means he's retiring then. BURRRRRRN!

See, of the five major theatrical movies Abrams has directed (Mission: Impossible III, Star Trek, Super 8, Star Trek Into Darkness and Star Wars: The Force Awakens), only one Super 8 has NOT been a remake or reboot. And even then, it was pretty much a pastiche of nearly every film Steven Spielberg ever made.

And yes, that's a photo of JJ Abrams oh-so-subtly flipping us all off.

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DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C. 
This week in Washington, Betsy DeVos, President-elect Trump's pick for Education Secretary, appeared before at a Senate Confirmation hearing.

When Senator Chris Murphy asked DeVos if she thinks guns should be allowed on school premises, she replied that the decision should be left up to local lawmakers. DeVos explained that certain schools such as in Wyoming might need guns to protect students from grizzly bears (!). 

"I would imagine there's a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies," said DeVos.

Reporters contacted Angie Page, assistant to the superintendent of Wapiti Elementary School in Wyoming, and asked if they indeed had a grizzly gun on the premises. "No, we do not," was Page's succinct and curt reply.

Devos went on to say she thinks our outposts on other moons should also be armed with blasters and other such weapons, to help keep the terrible, terrible Colossal Titans from scaling the Outer Wall...

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