Just In Time For Grift-Mas!

All year long I've been doing my level best to ignore our country's Orange Embarrassment, but lord,y he doesn't make it easy.

Case in point: This week trump teased a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, which churned his inexplicably still-loyal base into a veritable frenzy.

What could his big announcement possibly be? Would he name his running mate for his 2024 presidential campaign? Finally see the writing on the wall and reveal he's dropping out of the race already? Announce who really shot JFK? Or would he fly to Norway and sit in one of those suicide booths they have there?

Nope! Nothing so mundane and pedestrian as those things! Instead his announcement was far more unbelievable and bizarre than anyone could have possibly imagined. Take a look see:

That's right, kids! trump's now hawking trading cards, featuring incredibly awkward images of himself in various ego-stroking poses!

Let me repeat that through cupped hands: THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SELLING TRADING CARDS IN A DESPERATE AND TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO RAISE FUNDS TO PAY FOR HIS NUMEROUS LEGAL WOES.

Yes, for the low, low price of just $99 each (!), you can own one of these priceless pieces of presidential memorabilia— that'll soon be found in flea markets all across the nation.

But these aren't your grandpappy's old school trading cards, laws no! These are NFT trading cards! Which means you're buying the idea of them, and will receive nothing tangible for your hard-earned ninety nine bucks.

An aside: I'll bet my house and its entire contents that trump has no earthly idea what the hell an NFT actually is. I work with computers every day and I can't even explain them, so I know damn good and well he's baffled by them.

Oh, and one last thing before we move on— you can't pick the card you want. Your $99 entitles you to a randomly selected collectible. So if you had your eye on the trump superhero card and get the boxer one instead, you'll have to pony up another $99 and hope for the best. Seriously!

So let's see what your $99 actually gets you, assuming you're gullible enough to fall for trump's latest grift:

First up we have an improbably muscled trump as a superhero (complete with an impressive six pack) who's shooting flames out of his eyes.

Note that this card came cropped like this, so it inadvertently spells out "RUMP TOWE." Perfection!

Before we move on, I've gotta point out that there's something off about all these images, for lack of a better word. They all have this weird artificial sheen to them, as if someone took an actual photo of trump's head and placed it on a CGI body.

They look a LOT like those AI generated images that are all the rage right now. You know, the kind where you type in "trump as a superhero" and some algorithm pumps out a reasonable facsimile of your request. 

In fact I'm convinced that's exactly what these are. There's no way in hell trump would pony up the dough to hire a bunch of actual artists to paint him, so he no doubt used an artificial intelligence to portray his artificial life.

Then there's this card of trump playing— what else, golf. And why not? He spent the vast majority of his presidency on the courses when he should have been governing, so this one's particularly apt. 

Note the bold, Leroy Neiman-esque brush strokes, in a flailing attempt to make it look arty.

Next we have a suspiciously slender trump desperately reminding everyone he was the forty fifth president, as he inexplicably plays football in his standard blue business suit. Were he to ever actually take to the gridiron in real life, I have no doubt this is actually what he'd wear.

What has two laughably large thumbs and loves gold? THIS guy! 

Did... did he insist they make his hands huge in this card? Is he really still stinging from all the "tiny hands" barbs during his presidency? Of course he is.

And once again he appears a good hundred pounds lighter than he is in real life.

Speaking of weight, there's this jewel, apparently depicting trump as a tuxedoed Slender Man. I guarantee he was NEVER this thin.

And there's that plastic sheen again all over his clothing. It's like someone decapitated him and plopped his head on a mannequin.

This wonderful card depicts trump... battling the stock market, I guess? As the markets skyrocket on the tail of trump's rocket ship? While he stands on another huge 45?

Then we have this card, featuring trump as... a Texas Ranger? This one's so bizarre I can't even think of anything snarky to say about it. Other than he'd never stand outside like this unless it was on a golf course.

Here's a card featuring good ol' 45 as a pheasant hunter. 

As baffling as it is, there're a lot of hunters and gun enthusiasts out there who are convinced that trump is "one of them," and has their best interests at heart. The sad reality of it is that trump can't stand being around these people and wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Yet still they support him, like an abused domestic partner.

This card depicts a be-suited trump as a boxer, surrounded by golden light and with a seismograph reading in the lower right corner. Or maybe that's supposed to be his signature, I'm not sure.

Again, if he were to ever enter a boxing ring, I've no doubt this is what he'd wear. The guy probably sleeps in a freakin' blue suit.

We then come to a three of the most hilarious cards in the entire set. In rapid succession we have:

trump as a NASCAR driver...

trump as a fighter pilot...

And trump as a weirdly smirking astronaut.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, what is he, six years old? These fantasy professions would be perfectly fine for a grade school kid, but for a seventy six year old man... it's just sad and pathetic. Which pretty much describes this entire exercise.

Lastly, we have what may be my favorite card of all— trump standing in the middle of the post apocalyptic ruins of our once great nation, winking at the viewer while giving yet another thumbs up, as if to say, "Yep, I did that!"

Anyway, don't wait— buy your imaginary trump cards today! Find 'em wherever illegal scams are sold!