Ed Shoplotnik, Angry Grocer

 

Uh-oh, looks like Ed's Angry again. Somebody's been thumping the cantaloupes a little too hard (yikes, that sounded kind of dirty).

Poor Ed. He thought working in a grocery store would be an easy job. Little did he know that after a few months his face would be contorted into a permanent grimace, his posture would assume a world-weary slouch, his arches would fall faster than the stock market and he'd develop an intense disdain for the mouth-breathing masses that wandered into his store.

Any of you out there who've ever been employed at a grocery store (as I have) can no doubt sympathize with Ed here. Working at a grocery store is one of the most miserable and soul-sucking jobs there is. It shouldn't be that way though. Grocery shopping is a very simple task, it really is. You go to the store, you pick out your items, you pay for them and go back home. Simple. It's amazing how monumentally difficult some customers can make it though.

Some of the more notorious types of grocery customers:

• The Disputer
This customer will stare with laser-like intensity at the register display, watching like the eye of Sauron as each item is scanned, ready to pounce the instant something doesn't ring up at the price they expect.

• The Undecider
This customer always has a heaping cart load of groceries, but waits until they're in the checkout line to decide that they don't want half of it, leaving the store staff to put it all back on the shelf for them.

• The Exactinator
Obsessed with counting out the exact change, no matter how long it may take. If their total is $9.97, rest assured they will spend ten full minutes digging deep into their purse or pocket for every last coin rather than hand you a freakin' ten dollar bill. Their close relative is the Coin Dumper, who pours several pounds of coins onto the register, expecting the clerk to root through it for the total.

• The Salivator
Licks their finger before riffling through their paper money. This may come as a shock to customers, but clerks really don't want to touch your licked money.

• The Technophobe
This customer appears to have never seen a debit card reader, nor any sort of technological device before, and has absolutely no idea how to use one. They will invariably become incensed when the machine won't operate properly after they push the wrong buttons.

• The Lawgiver
An expert in non-existent store-related laws. If they find a $20 item that's been mis-shelved into a $2 spot, they will insist that it's "state law" that the store must sell said item for $2. Let me assure you that there is no such law, rule, precept, ordinance, regulation or proviso. Mis-shelving is a fact of life, people. Customers move things and items get misplaced. You're not getting a $20 ham for $2, no matter how much you complain.

• The Breadhugger
This customer guards and protects their loaf of bread the way a lioness defends its cubs, lest the slightest pressure be applied to its perfect and delicate form. Judging from their behavior, smashed bread is one of the worst things that can happen in a person's life.

• The Black Ops Shopper
A customer who writes a check but has absolutely no form of identification on them whatsoever. No driver's license, Social Security card, credit card, work I.D., birth certificate, passport, green card, marriage license, library card, fishing license, police sketch, carnival caricature, etc. As far as paperwork and records are concerned, these people officially do not exist.

• The Comedian
A customer who, when an item won't scan, will invariably say, "HAW! Must be free then!" Wow, I'll bet no one ever said that before.

• The Free Spirit
A customer who buys a heaping cart load of groceries but then realizes they forgot to bring any sort of payment whatsoever with them. They'll state that "it won't take them a minute" to run home and get their money as they dash out of the store, expecting all checkout line activity to grind to a halt until they return. Sometimes they come back in a few minutes with their money, but quite often they're never seen again.

• The Great Communicator
This customer engages in incredibly important nonstop conversations on their cell phone throughout the entire checkout procedure, precluding any chance for the clerk to ask them if they have any coupons, discount cards, etc. Of course at the end of the transaction they'll become enraged that the clerk didn't ask them if they had said items.

• The Wanderer
While this customer's groceries are being rang up, they'll suddenly be filled with that ol' travellin' bug and will wander off to the far corners of the store to do some more shopping. This once again leaves the clerk in a quandary, as they wonder if the errant customer is ever going to return.

There are many more customer types out there who make life miserable for clerks, but that'll do for starters.

By the way, for any customers out there who feel the need to post rebuttals, skip it. I ain't interested in hearing the other side of the argument. Yes, clerks can be just as rude and annoying as customers, but the customers far outnumber the clerks.

Ed is a vector drawing, drawn all in InDesign.

 

 Here's the original sketch of Ed.

It Came From The Cineplex: Thor

Thor is the latest movie from Marvel Studios, and in my opinion their best since the first Iron Man.

The fact that a Thor movie turned out so well is surprising to say the least. Marvel Studios has done their best to ground their recent superhero movies in a sort of reality. Sure, they're preposterous, but you can almost believe that if a person was rich and smart enough, they could construct a flying suit of armor. But adding a superhero who’s really a supernatural Norse god into the mix... that seemed like pushing things a bit too far.

Fortunately director Kenneth Brannagh found a way to do it. Thor introduces us to Asgard, the cosmic otherworldy realm where an entire race of god-like beings dwell. There, the head god Odin (Anthony Hopkins) is preparing to step down and crown his son Thor (Chris Hemsworth) king. An attack on Asgard by the Frost Giants interrupts the proceedings, prompting the head-strong Thor to retaliate, breaking a decades-old truce. Odin punishes Thor by stripping him of his powers and banishing him to backwards ol' Earth until he learns humility and responsibility.

Once on Earth, Thor is befriended by Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), who naturally assumes his tales of godhood are homeless delusions. When Thor’s half-brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) sends a giant robot called the Destroyer to Earth to eliminate him, he sacrifices himself for the good of the planet, thereby regaining his powers and saving both Earth and Asgard.

The film impressively and effortlessly moves between scenes on Earth and Asgard, which is quite a feat. There are tons of exposition as there’s a lot to know about Asgard and its inhabitants, but it’s all presented clearly and simply. Would-be directors would be wise to study how this was done.

The battle scenes are well done for the most part, especially between Thor and the Frost Giants (although it is a bit dark in Frost Giant Land). 

I was never read Thor as a kid, but I know enough about the character to recognize that the movie's pretty darn faithful to the source material, and includes lot of welcome touches from the comic book. In the comics, Thor's weapon of choice is his mystical hammer Mjolnir, which he swings rapidly in a circle to smite enemies and summon lightning. I actually got chills when he did this in the movie. Less well done, however, were the scenes of Thor flying. In the comics he doesn't actually fly, rather he throws his hammer and then hangs onto it while it soars through the air (yeah, I know). They either portrayed this power badly or dumped the concept as too silly for the movies, because it appeared that he was just flying under his own power.

It was also fun to see the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three brought to life on the screen.

Some of the costumes are a bit different than they were in the comic, but I'm OK with that. Thor had a consistent look for decades, but his father Odin seemed to change in appearance in nearly every issue of the comic, depending on who was drawing him, so who's to say how he really looks? All the characters were recognizable, and that's what counts. They even had Loki wear his famous horned helmet! For the record, the production designers did an awesome job with the Destroyer. It looked exactly as it did in the comics.

The movie even has some comedy relief moments that are actually funny, particularly those involving Thor's fish-out-of-water time on Earth.

My favorite thing about the movie: no origin story! The movie throws us right into the action. No showing us Thor's birth, boyhood and awkward teen years before he became a warrior (although there is a short flashback to his childhood). I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been reading comics for a very long time, and I grow weary of having to sit through boring origin stories. I already know how Spider-Man got his powers and I do not want to sit through it again. Please, filmmakers, if you have to show us a character's origin, do it in a short prologue like Lord of the Rings did.

Once again I love the fact that Marvel Studios is setting all their movies within the same universe, which is one of the things I always liked about Marvel comics. It's fun seeing these characters inhabit the same world and cross paths, rather than existing as separate properties. You guys are making this old geek very happy.

Things to watch for:

• Hawkeye's cameo. For those not in the know, Hawkeye is a superhero who's really good at archery. You'll know him when you see him.

• Agent Coulson. He first appeared in Iron Man, and is sort of the glue that's holding the movie universe together.

• Another Stan Lee cameo.

• The Cosmic Cube even makes an appearance!

The best time I've had at the movies so far this year. I give it an A. 

RATIONAL SECOND OPINION: Seriously? I gave the Thor movie an A? What the hell was I thinking? It wasn't an awful movie by any means, but Jesus Christ, it definitely didn't rate an A. I guess I was still caught in the moment when I graded it. Now that I've calmed down some, I can see it deserves a B-, maybe a B at the absolute most.

Things You Should Know About Me: Super Smelling

I have an abnormally developed sense of smell. It's not at Bloodhound level mind you, but it's definitely higher than the average person's. "Well, that's quite awesome," you may be thinking. Wrong! It is not awesome. Believe me, of the five senses, smell is the last one you want to be enhanced.

The world is not a nice smelling place. Oh sure, now and then you wander past some flowers or a bakery, but those are rarities, my friend. 99.9% of the world just plain stinks. There's car exhaust, cigarette smoke, sewage, body odor, burnt popcorn, foul breath and doody everywhere you go. And I can smell it all from a mile off.

Even so-called good odors can be a bad thing when you have super smelling. Perfumes and colognes are just as bad as a pile of moldy gym socks if they're applied to excess, which they generally are.

It galls me that as my sense of sight fades rapidly with age, my nose seems to become ever more sensitive. Or maybe the world is just starting to smell worse. Either way, it stinks!

It Came From The Cineplex: Source Code

This review's a little late; OK, it's a LOT late, but whatever. I wrote it and I'm determined to use it.

Source Code is the latest from Duncan Jones, writer and director of the excellent 2009 film Moon. So did he manage to avoid the sophomore curse? Eh, I'm gonna have to go with no.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Colter Stevens, an American soldier who wakes up on a commuter train bound for Chicago, which is odd as the last thing he remembers was being a mission in the Middle East. He finds himself occupying the body of an innocent passenger named Sean Fentress. Before he can figure out the whys and hows, the train explodes, killing all aboard, including Colter.

He wakes inside a small metal capsule full of sensors, electrodes and monitors. He discovers he's part of the Source Code Project (Houston, we have a title!), an anti-terrorist program that uses vague and iffy science to project a living person's mind into the memory of the recently deceased for eight minutes at a time.

The Project Leader hopes that Colter, by reliving the last moments of Sean Fentress, can I.D. the terrorist responsible for blowing up the train. If he fails, he'll be sent back into the victim's memory again and again until he succeeds.

How this fantastic technological feat is accomplished and why only eight minutes at a time are apparently none of our concern, as these questions are never addressed. The movie's also a bit vague as to the physicality of the process. Colter's mind is being sent into the memories of the late Sean Fentress, but where's he? Is his brain sitting in a tank, hooked up to a computer? Did they download Sean's dying memories into hard drive? Are they holding a seance? It's never made clear.

Still, it's an interesting, if confusing concept. The movie tells us over and over that this is not time travel, as the event has already occurred and can't be altered. Colter is basically visiting a recording of an event. But then the movie steps all over its own rules and shows Colter changing the past. Or changing the dead man's memory. Or something. At one point Colter even leaves the train and follows a suspect into a train station men's room, which is something Fentress never did. How could an entire detailed world outside the train exist in Sean Fentress' memories?

The project's founder believes that the Source Code Project will become a powerful tool against terrorism. I don't quite see how. The damage to the train and its passengers has already been done. Sure, finding out the identity of the terrorist would prevent him from causing further damage, but it isn't going to prevent the attack on the train. Seems like a case of closing the barn door after the horse is already loose. Ah, but because this is a movie, the Source Code founder knows that the train attack was just a trial run by the terrorist, who's planning a second, more deadly attack against the city of Chicago. Only in the movies do terrorists rehearse their attacks in such a manner. It's the only way the Source Code project would ever be useful as an anti-terrorist weapon too.

There's also some vague talk from the project leader about how the passenger's memory may be generating some sort of parallel reality, and that if Colter's not careful, he could end up there permanently. Huh? So the guy thinks he's invented a way to snoop into a dead person's memories, but he really figured out a way to create parallel worlds? That's kind of like thinking you invented the brick, but finding out you created the Great Wall of China.

Eventually Colter ignores the Source Code team (who want him to observe only) and takes matters into his own hands. He discovers the identity of the terrorist and actually prevents the explosion on the train. This apparently creates a whole new universe in which Colter and his new-found love interest (a fellow passenger on the train who had eyes for Fentress) can live happily ever after.

This leaves the audience with one big question: in this happy new alternate universe, Colter is inhabiting Sean Fentress' body. Outwardly he looks like Sean Fentress, but has the mind of Colter Stevens. So what happened to poor old Sean? Where's his consciousness? Is it suppressed somewhere in the recesses of his mind? Or did it just get erased, and Sean had to take one for the team to let Colter survive? It's never explained, and the credits roll before anyone can question it.

The movie offers us an intriguing concept but ultimately suffers from vague technobabble and ignoring its own rules when it's convenient to the plot. One last pass at the script by the writer would have helped clear up a lot of the problems. But at least it's not another "Big Momma's House" sequel.

Wait for the DVD. I give it a C.

What's The Deal With All The Penguin Movies?

Last week at the movie theater I saw a poster for Mr. Popper's Penguins. My first thought of course was, "Looks like Jim Carrey needs a boat payment." My second thought was, "Holy crap, there've been a buttload of penguin movies in the past few years!"

The sampling above was the result of about five minutes of googling. I'm sure there are probably more that I missed.

So why the love affair with penguins? Is it because people think they're cute? Because they supposedly look like they're wearing tuxedos? They don't, you know. Where's the bow tie, the buttons and the handkerchief in the breast pocket? Pretty shoddy replication of a tuxedo, if you ask me.

There are other birds out there you know. Why no chicken movies? Chickens are funny. And flamingos. You can't tell me that flamingos aren't amusing. Or storks. Ostriches! A movie about ostriches would be knee-slapping hilarious!

Why aren't there any eagle movies? Eagles are the symbol of our country, for poop's sake. It seems downright unpatriotic that there aren't any movies about dancing eagles. Penguins don't even live in America, they're all the way down in the bottom of the world, in Antarctica, about as far away from America as you can get. Seems downright un-American that Hollywood prefers making movies about Commie penguins over red-blooded American eagles. I'm writing my congressman immediately and demanding he launch an investigation of "Commie-Wood."

In the meantime, stop going to see all the damned penguin movies, and maybe we'll get some movies about other kinds of birds!

Bad Day On The Highway

I took these photos a few months ago on the way to some horror convention in Indianapolis. The white truck ahead was driving too slowly so I got fed up and decided to pass him. Don't worry, I survived.

I have to admit, just looking at these photos is a little unnerving. It was doubly so when I was in my car taking the photos. Even though you know there's no danger, the sight of a semi truck seemingly barreling toward you more than a little uncomfortable.

A similar thing happened to my sister and mom. My sister was driving and my mom was jabbering away in the passenger seat. Suddenly my mom looked ahead and saw a truck being towed just like this, screamed "LOOK OUT!" and dived for the floor! Good old mom.

Soon I Will Conquer The World!

I took this photo a while back during the local election season. I don't know anything about this gentleman, but I love his name! Dr. Kremzar! It's so cool. He sounds like a super villain. I can just hear him broadcasting from his blimp hovering over the city, saying, "Attention puny citizens! Give me one billion dollars immediately, or I, Dr. Kremzar, will release Formula X-J2 into the city's water supply! Bwah ha ha hah ha!"

With a name like that, he could also be a Star Trek character. "Dr. Kremzar, meet me in transporter room three!"

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks it's a cool name. If you look closely you'll see the good Doctor has apparently trademarked his own moniker!

By the way, I voted for Dr. Kremzar, solely on the coolness of his name. Alas, it wasn't enough, as he lost his bid for county coroner. Maybe next time.

Two Years And Counting!

Today's an anniversary of sorts: two years ago today I rid my life of cable TV. Haven't missed it for a second. I haven't been totally without any electronic entertainment; I've been watching TV shows on DVD and the internet. I watch what I want, when I want, and I don't have to sit through endless commercials for products of which I'm already aware and have no intention of buying.

Every now and then I wonder if my cablelessness (how's that for a word!) is causing me to miss out on something. Then I'll visit someone who still has cable and I'll realize that nope, I'm not missing a thing.

Once again, if you've ever entertained the notion of getting rid of cable but were unsure about it, I urge you to do it. Trust me, you won't regret it. You have better things to do with your life than watch the ten different cupcake shows or the seven different shows about little people families or even the one where people buy storage spaces and then root through what's inside them.

Sometimes A Gal Just Likes To Feel Pretty

Last week Lucy, my pal KW Monster's dog, was a guest at my house. Lucy's a really good dog, and smart too. She's stayed at my house many times, and never causes any trouble.

On this particular visit, she decided to get all gussied up and put on a fashion show. Here we see Lucy wearing a stylish ensemble featuring a smart monochromatic stripe pattern. Note the addition of the fashionable leash in the background, in contrasting royal blue.

If I were to judge what Lucy is thinking by her expression here, it would be, "If I had opposable thumbs I'd kill you."

Paging Dame Fashion! I have a Ms. Lucy on the line, sporting a sleek and stunning frock for those chilly spring evenings! Note that the bold horizontal stripes help to de-emphasize Madame's extra long torso.

Is it possible for a dog to feel humiliation? Based on Lucy's expression here, I would say the answer is a resounding affirmative.

Down, Lucy! The "catwalk" is just an expression!

What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's not weird for a grown man to dress up a dog and take pictures of it! Lots of men do it! I'm not weird! I have a full time job and a mortgage, just like a normal person! Don't judge me!

Warning Sign?

I got into my car this morning, started it up, glanced at the dashboard, and saw this.

At first I thought it was some kind of weird error code or warning indicator, and I wasn't sure if I should drive the car. It was early, so in my bleary-eyed state it took me a few seconds to realize that it was only the mileage on the odometer and no cause for alarm. The odd spaces between the zeroes and ones just didn't register as the amount of miles I've driven.

For the record, I am one of Detroit's worst nightmares. I tend to drive my cars right into the ground and then some. My previous vehicle had 138,000 miles on it, and even then I only got rid of it because it needed a repair that would cost more than the car was worth at the time.

I think the reason I keep cars for so long is because I absolutely loathe the car buying experience. I'd rather take a job as Oprah's human ottoman that go buy a new car. I hate all that bargaining and writing a number on a piece of paper and "I have to go talk to my manager" bushwah. That's why the last car I bought (this one) was a Saturn. I loved how buying a car from them was like buying a pair of pants. You just went in, found one you liked and bought it. No dickering, no fuss. Naturally they went out of business, as all companies I like eventually do.

And yes, that is my "Check Engine Soon" light blazing away there in the upper left hand corner. It's been on for about four years now. It's not a big deal. According to one of the ten repairmen who tried to get it to make it go away, it's probably on due to a microscopic hole in the fuel line, or a gas cap that doesn't seal properly. That's what I'm telling myself anyway

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other...

I know this is some horrible photography, but try if you can to peer through the insect-encrusted windshield of my car and see the vehicle ahead.

I saw this SUV last week on the way in to work. If you look closely you'll see that on the left hand side of their rear window there's a bumper sticker that reads, "I Brake For Tatas."
On the right hand side is a circular GOD logo.

So I take it they're saying, "Thank God for boobs!"

Major Mustasha

A turn-of-the-century (LAST century, that is!) theatrical poster.

As usual, a simple little sketchbook doodle  turned into a complicated illustration project. There's definitely something in my head that likes to complicate matters.

I probably got a little carried away with all the text. The poster kept growing in length as I'd think of more copy to write. It was fun writing it though. I tried to mimic that early 1900s style as closely as I could. Be sure and click on the image in order to read it all. Depending on your monitor you may have to use "zoom" to read the finer print.

I used the whole software arsenal for this one. The frame, boxes and text were all laid out in InDesign. I then imported all that into Photoshop. I thought the text looked a little too perfect and precise for an old poster, so I used a wave filter on it to distort it a bit. The wavy text on either side of the Major was written and distorted in Illustrator, and of course imported into Photoshop. And the Major himself was drawn in Photoshop, of course.

Here's the original simple sketch of a little guy supported by his mustache.

 

Here's the more refined second sketch. I had to change the proportions of his mustache a lot in the final image to better fill the space.

It's Not The Years, It's The Mileage

Holee Crap! Sunday, June 13th was the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Raiders of the Lost Ark! That's just not possible. I remember seeing it in the theater, for frak's sake! Man, am I getting old.

I remember being absolutely blown away by the ending of the film, when the Nazis are killed by the Ark. Bear in mind that this was decades before the internet and the age of spoilers, so no one in the audience had any idea what was going to happen, which made it all the more effective and surprising. I miss those days.

When George Lucas wrote the script, the main character's name was Indiana Smith. Director Steven Spielberg told him that the name just didn't sound right, and on the first day of shooting changed Indy's moniker to Jones. Thank the maker for Spielberg.

It's hard to imagine anyone besides Harrison Ford playing the role of Indiana Jones. Tom Selleck was a front runner for the part and would have been a decent choice for Indy. Some of the other alleged choices though were downright cringe-worthy. If you can believe imdb.com, some of the actors considered for the part were: Nick Nolte, Steve Martin (!), Bill Murray (!!), Chevy Chase (!!!) Tim Matheson, Peter Coyote, Jeff Bridges and Jack Nicholson (!!!!). Raiders would have been a very different movie indeed if any of those actors had won the part. Can you imagine Bill Murray trying to crack a bullwhip? Or Jack Nicholson running from a giant boulder? With the exception of Tim Matheson, Jeff Bridges and maybe Peter Coyote, those were all horrible, horrible choices. Thank goodness for movie fans they had the good sense to cast Ford.

The odd casting wasn't limited to just Indy. It's hard to imagine anyone but John Rhys-Davies as Indy's pal Sallah, but supposedly Danny DeVito was up for the part. Oy gevalt! Luckily for us he was busy filming Taxi at the time.

Just think, somewhere out there in the universe is a parallel Earth where moviegoers had to endure  Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Steve Martin and Danny DeVito. I'm glad I don't live on that Earth.

Alien Slacks In The Wild

I was driving to work this morning and saw two of my Alien Slacks
 billboards here in town. Cool!

Nah, I'm just yankin' ya. They're fakes. There's no such product or billboards. They're just examples of my highly successful imaginary career. You know, as opposed to my real one.

Current quantum theory posits that there may very well be an infinite number of parallel universes somewhere out there in the ether, each containing a slightly different version of Earth. I'm confident that somewhere out there in the multiverse, these billboards–and my wildly successful career–actually exist.

Can You Read This?

I recently visited my sister and learned something surprising. She said that when she and my brother-in-law want to write notes to each other that their kids can't read, they write in cursive. As incredible as it seems, my nephews (aged 19 and 12) can't read cursive. It's indecipherable to them, like some sort of top secret WWII Enigma code. My nephews can no more read (or write) it than they can Mandarin Chinese. I was absolutely gobsmacked when I heard that.

Apparently most schools around the country are no longer teaching cursive. I'm conflicted about this. Somehow it just seems wrong to totally abandon a form of written communication. After all, there are a lot of old documents out there that are written in cursive. You know, little things like the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. It might be a good idea if people were able to read them now and then, along with the thousands of other similar documents.

On the other hand, besides my signature, I can't remember the last time I actually wrote something in cursive. Whenever I write something, 99.999% of the time I print it. So despite the fact that I have misgivings about totally abandoning cursive, I honestly don't use it much myself.

Maybe this could lead to a whole new job field for middle aged people: Cursive Translator. When the young whippersnappers of the world encounter an old stock certificate or a will that they can't read, they'll call in the Cursive Translator to read it to them. I think I'm going to go set up my store front right now!

Run, Spaceman, Run! Full Book Cover

Right after I posted my Run, Spaceman, Run! paperback cover, several readers of my blog said they wished it was a real book.

Well, I don't have time for any authorin' these days, but it got me to thinking that there was nothing to stop me from completing my hypothetical book cover. So here it is all laid out: back cover, spine and front cover.

I had a lot of fun writing the back cover copy and the critic blurbs, trying to make them read as authentic as possible.

After I got it all laid out, I printed out the cover, cut it out, then dug through the garage and found a suitable old paperback. I carefully glued my cover to the real one and created my own one of a kind sci-fi novel. Just don't open it and expect to read about Zok.

Once it was finished I showed it to my smartypants 12 year old nephew who pointed out that Earth is actually in the Orion arm of the galaxy, not in the Sagittarius arm as I've indicated on the back cover. Whoops! Too late to change it now! I thanked him for the correction and then punched him hard in the gut. That's what you get for embarrassing your elders with your fancy book learnin'!

Here's a shot of the finished faux paperback. It really does look like one you'd find in a used book store, if I do say so myself. It even fooled my smartypants nephew when he first saw it.

Here's a shot of the back cover and spine.

It's a compelling read! I couldn't put it down! Maybe because the glue was still wet.

 

My pal KW Monster does this all the time on his blog, so here's a shot of my fake book next to special guest star Lucy, for scale. Judging by Lucy's expression, it appears she found the book lackluster and derivative.

Doctor Who Enemies Lineup

Now that I finished my Doctor Who Enemies Infographic, I thought I'd combine all the characters into one image. One incredibly wide image.

They're shown here in scale to one another, more or less. I had to fudge their heights a bit to get them all to fit.

For the uninitiated, the lineup from left to right is:
Omega: The first Time Lord, who turned evil and tried to destroy his home planet
An Auton: A life form made of living plastic that often takes the form of mannequins
Robot K-1: A giant robot that wreaked havoc on Earth
A Sontaran: A race of small statured and ruthless cloned alien soldiers
A Dalek: The Doctor's most famous foe; a race of evil mutants encased in mobile battle suits whose favorite saying is "EX-TER-MI-NATE!"
The Master: Another evil Time Lord and the Doctor's archenemy
Davros: An insane alien scientist and creator of the Dalek race
A Cyberman: Alien cyborgs that are more machine than flesh
An Ice Warrior: Martians who thrive in cold environments
A Sea Devil: A reptilian race that flourished on Earth eons before man
A Yeti: Fur covered robots controlled by an alien called the Great Intelligence
A Zygon: An aquatic race that controls a robotic sea serpent

There's a similar lineup featuring the Eleven Doctors here.

The whole gang was drawn all in InDesign.

Ad Copy By Professor River Song

Saw this on the way to work today. Looks like Professor River Song is now writing billboard copy. Either that or someone at McDonald's ad agency is a Doctor Who fan.

I fully realize that all the non-Whovians out there are scratching their heads at this. Good. Now y'all know how I feel when you start talking about football or reality TV.

From a design standpoint, I'm curious as to why the "sweetie" has been so obviously stretched. Just compare the e's in "pucker" to the e in "sweetie." Why the awful horizontal scaling? There are better ways to justify a block of text, McDonald's.