Have It No Way

This week McDonald's of China unveiled this repulsive monstrosity: The Sausage Double Beef Burger. It features two appalling sausages (that are going to squirt across the room like the remnants of greased pigs they are the minute you bite into the sandwich) and two off-putting, glistening burger patties, all topped with mustard and stuffed between some kind of pretzel bun. It sells for 17.50 yuan ($2.82 American dollars).

I can think of only one reason for the existence of this revolting monstrosity. Our government, spooked by recent reports of a Chinese military buildup, knows we could never hope to defeat them in a war. To that end, they've decided to preemptively attack them in the only way Americans know: with food.

Our government obviously turned to McDonald's for help with Operation: Lazy Dragon. The goal: unleash this dietary nightmare on the Chinese and turn them into a country of 1.3 billion morbidly obese diabetics who'll be too tired to ever attack us.

Well played, America. And McDonald's.

When I visited China a few years ago, 99.9% of the population was slender, fit and active. The fattest person I saw there was maybe 15 pounds overweight. 20 at the absolute most. I saw people who looked like they were at least a hundred years old walking around under their own power. I didn't see a single person riding a mobility scooter because they were massive enough to have their own gravitational field.

Everyone in China ate constantly, but they ate healthy delicious food and they walked pretty much everywhere they needed to go. It honestly disgusts me that we're injecting this nauseating and repellant shite into their unsuspecting society. I hope this product, and Chinese fast food in general, dies a swift and painful death. But I ain't holding my breath.