Robble, Robble

Back in April, McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbook assured nervous shareholders that he had a turnaround plan designed to "sell more burgers to more people." The plan would be revealed in May. 

Welp, it's May and the turnaround plan has finally been revealed— after a thirteen year absence, McDonald's is bringing back a brand new revamped version of the Hamburglar! That oughta bring the customers back in!

Obviously this is just another of the once-great corporation's desperate attempts to keep their head above water. I suppose it's working— everyone's definitely talking about the new Hamburglar. Not necessarily in a good way, though. There's definitely no one saying, "That new Hamburglar character is delightful! Honey, round up the family and let's head to our nearest McDonald's for a round of delicious hamburger sandwiches!" Instead it's more like, "Dear god, look what they're doing now to try and shore up sales."

I wonder if McDonald's is using this new, sexy hunk of a character to court the 50 Shades Of Grey Soccer Mom crowd. This Hamburglar doesn't comically run around in circles mumbling his signature catchphrase, laws no. I can very well imagine this Hamburglar dimming the lights, laying a woman out on his round bed while dripping hot candle wax onto her bare skin as he leans in close and whispers, "robble robble," in a hot, breathy voice.

He also looks amazingly like he stepped off the set of the 2009 superhero film Watchmen. I could easily see him carrying a canvas bag full of money— complete with an actual dollar sign on it— as he desperately runs away from psychotic vigilante Rorschach.

And because our current excuse for a society is a politically-correct hellscape, this new Hipster Hamburglar has a backstory. You heard me, a backstory.

Says Joel Yashinsky, McDonald's' Vice President of U.S. Marketing: "We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time."

Yes, the Hamburglar— the goddamned Hambuglar— is now a suburban dad with a wife and kids. I guess he must not have grown up too awfully much though, if his name is still, you know, Hamburglar.

Was that backstory really necessary? Doesn't that just make things worse? Before he was just a bumbling, ineffectual comic relief crook. He was harmless. We knew nothing about his background or home life, and we didn't need to. Hell, we didn't want to.

This backstory just makes him seem tragic. Now his life of crime doesn't just affect him, it's impacting an entire innocent family. When this new Hamburglar gets caught for stealing burgers, and he will, his poor wife's going to be left to raise their kids on her own while he's doing ten to twenty in stir. 

She'll end up working two or three jobs in a desperate attempt to keep the family afloat, but it won't be enough. She'll eventually start cooking and selling meth, using just a little herself to help get through the day. She'll end up a hollow, burned out husk and the kids will become wards of the state. They'll bounce from foster home to foster home before they too end up on the streets, where they'll also turn to drugs and prostitution to get their next fix.

And all because their father is the Hamburglar. Thanks a lot, McDonald's. Now who's hungry for burgers?