Things That Happened On Earth This Week (12/5/16)

This week, Glorious Leader Trumpy once again tweeted his butthurt feelings about Saturday Night Live...

I was just thinking to myself, "Jesus, doesn't this thin-skinned, rotted pumpkin of a man-baby that we're unbelievably stuck with for the next four years have anything better to do than watch a sketch comedy show and then whine about it on social media? Shouldn't he be, oh, I don't know, DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO PREPARE FOR THE JOB OF RUNNING THE GODDAMNED COUNTRY?

Then I saw this. A woman named Danielle Muscato replied to Trumpy and tore him five or six new assholes.

Her anger and bile perfectly illustrated what the majority of the country is thinking. I have to believe that even some of Trumpy's most ardent supporters are having second thoughts now that they've seen some of his plans (shutting down Medicare?) and have joined the ranks of the rational. 

Danielle's tirade couldn't be contained in a mere 140 characters, and she wrote another 10,000 or so more. I agree with most everything she said, but I'd just like to point out that she fell for his trick. 

See, the stupid-ass, unbelievable things Trumpy says on social media are all part of his grand plan. He's like a magician. His right hand distracts the audience by making a coin disappear, while his left hand does something truly horrifying, like gutting Social Security.

I learned how to do magic tricks as a kid, Trumpy, so I know what you're doing. 

Don't fall for his tricks. Whenever he posts something ridiculous on Twitter, take a second, roll your eyes and then find out what he's really doing.

This week KFC announced they're releasing a scented candle that smells just like their original recipe chicken.

Because who wouldn't want their home to smell like a poorly-ventilated, grease-filled fast food restaurant?

Oddly enough this is part of a promotion cooked up by KFC of New Zealand, in which they're giving away exactly ONE chicken-scented candle.

Seriously, one? That's it? They probably spent tens of thousands of dollars hiring a lab to replicate the odor of their food, and they're going to use it to make one lousy candle?

This week on the Homeschool Base website, which is apparently a thing, a woman who identified herself only as "Sarah" was horrified when her six year old son Mark accidentally viewed a Covergirl TV commercial. The commercial in question featured seventeen year old James Charles, the first ever male Covergirl model.

When her son Mark expressed confusion at the sight of a young man wearing makeup, Sarah immediately took to her fainting couch. Upon awakening, she shakily got to her feet, clutched her fragile son to her chest and lamented the fact that a brief glimpse of the outside world was able to penetrate her highly guarded and strictly regulated fortress of a home.

Said Sarah, it's "a shame that she and her husband can't take their eyes off their son for a single second. Thank god we homeschool." 

Yes, because god forbid your fragile child be exposed to new and upsetting ideas about diversity and tolerance.

Sara says she refuses to buy CoverGirl products anymore because of the commercial. Fair enough. But she also said she's hesitant to let her visit his friends' homes, because she can't control what he sees there (!).

Maybe she should just blind him while she's at it, and cut off his feet like a deranged Annie Wilkes to prevent him from ever leaving his bedroom.

I honestly feel sorry for this kid, as he's gonna have a tough row to hoe later in life. Can you imagine how the way he'll roll up into a ball when he gets his first job and his boss yells at him for making a mistake?

This week Southern Ohio evangelist Jim Brown and his associate Greg Hudson, whoever the hell they are, claim they've discovered the Mr. Ed theme song contains backward Satanic messages.

According to Brown, the song contains the lines, "The source is Satan," and "Someone heard this song for Satan." Gasp! The horror! The horror!

This is indeed alarming news for our troubled times. And it comes not a moment too soon, as the Mr. Ed program premiered in 1961. Timely!

Just think of all the innocents whose minds have been corrupted by the Prince Of Darkness over the past fifty five years, even though the technology to actually play the song backwards was far out of the reach of the average person for most of that time, and even today would be an involved process. I bet the number who've been indoctrinated into Old Scratch's army numbers in the single digits!

And lastly, a few days ago a series of tragic wildfires devastated the Gatlinburg, Tennessee area, destroying hundreds of homes and businesses, and killing at least fourteen. 

During the fire, WVLT TV reporter Kelsey Leyrer captured startling footage of a concrete statue of Jesus amid the burned ruins of a Sevier County home. The statue was covered with soot, but was the only thing still standing. WVLT called the amazing statue "something of a miracle amid the destruction." 

The image of the statue swept across the internet like, er, wildfire, as millions praised it as a sign from God. 

Jesus wept.

We all know that concrete doesn't burn, right? There's nothing "miraculous" about that at all. It's just basic chemistry. Have they stopped teaching science in schools altogether? It's the American Educational System at work, ladies and gentlemen!

And what about the cinderblocks behind the statue? They didn't burn either. Are they covered under the statue miracle, or are they a separate one? Praise be, it's two miracles for the price of one!

Even if I accepted that this occurrence was a bona fide miracle, I'm struggling to understand its message. How the hell can this possibly be seen as a good thing? The owners of this house lost everything they own. What good is a ferkakte statue going to do them?

Now if their house had remained completely untouched while the entire area burned to a crips around it— THAT would be a miracle, and something worth celebrating.

Apparently God's message is: "Hey, guys, sorry about your house. And your cars. And all your stuff. And your mom who was trapped in the house when the fires went through. And your pets. But hey, I saved your statue of me, so we're cool, right?"