Man Of X

Every know and then I like to remind everyone that the joyless, execrable Man Of Steel movie contained this scene, in which Jor-El sentenced General Zod and his followers to the Phantom Zone— by encasing them inside capsules that look shockingly like gigantic dildos. Wait, make that giant black dildos. No, better make that giant UNCIRCUMCISED black dildos!

Just look at those things! They're freakin' x-rated! They couldn't possibly look more like giant penises if they tried! It's like they pulled images out of a sex toy catalog.

As if all that wasn't enough, these giant uncircumcised black dildos can fly as well! And of course they fly by spurting out a white discharge from their bottoms, because of course they do. 

To this day I cannot believe that not one single person on the set looked at these props and said, "Um… is there another design we can use here?" There's no way anyone could fail to see what they look like.

And just in case you think the giant flying uncircumcised black dildos were a fluke, take a look at this shot of Jor-El's citadel. It's a cozy little bungalow, one that's inexplicably shaped like the head of a massive penis— complete with a giant pee hole!

In a recent interview with Hack, er, I mean Zack Snyder, director of Man Of Steel, he knew exactly what he was doing, as these provocative designs were intentional. 

According to Snyder, he purposefully hid these, and numerous other penises throughout the movie, as they were supposed to subliminally suggest how manly and virile Kryptonians were.

Hid? HID? Those giant flying uncircumcised black dildos were HIDDEN?

On the flip side, years later Clark Kent discovers a Kryptonian ship frozen in the Artic. For no good reason it features a hologram of his father Jor-E, along with some very... feminine-looking storage units!

Jesus Christ! Was this movie rated NC-17? I guess the fact that Kryptonians no longer reproduced or gave birth naturally turned them all into a bunch of sexually-repressed pervs!