Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Tales From The Video Store: Bloated


Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or see— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

There's a video store just a few blocks from my house, and for some reason it seems to attract a large... well, let's call it a hillbilly contingent. While I was browsing the shelves one day, a very large hillbilly gal plodded in. She had a huge head with dull, cow-like eyes and was decked out in her finest stained sweatpants. She wandered around the store for a few minutes, talking loudly to herself in a raspy voice deeper than mine.

She was looking for Bridesmaids, and of course didn't have the slightest idea where to find it. Apparently alphabetical order isn't part of the Hillbilly School curriculum. She then plowed her way between me and the shelf I was browsing like I wasn't even there, and asked the clerk where to find her film. 

The clerk told her, "It's over there on the far wall, with all the other movies that start with B." Hillbilly Gal then waddled in front of me a second time, again like I wasn't there. She picked up the DVD case and shambled back in front of me a third time.

The clerk said, "Oh, you just picked up the box. I need the disk too!" So Hillbilly Gal clip-clopped in front of me for an astonishing fourth time. This time though she bleated, "Ohhh, I don't feel like walking all around this big store when I'm bloated! I'm bloaaaaaaaaaated!"

"I say, miss. You're obviously a creature of elegance and refinement, who appreciates the finer things. I'm new in town and looking for a good charm school for my daughter. I wonder if I could trouble you to recommend a good one!"

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