Friday, July 10, 2015

What Are Americans Outraged About This Week: Minions

These days Americans love nothing more than feeling outraged. In fact it's replaced baseball as the national pastime. Practically every day the news is filled with various so-called atrocities that are vexing the general public and causing them to overreact.

So what are Americans outraged about this week?

A Minion toy from a McDonald's Happy Meal has parents' collective panties all in a bunch. The talking toy is based on those goddamned yellow things from the Despicable Me movies, now starring in their very own film. One particular Minion, dressed ostensibly as a caveman, has Americans blushing with its alleged potty mouth.

When a button on the bottom of the toy is pressed, it utters several muffled, hard to understand phrases, including "I'll be damned," and "What the f*ck?"

Sharp-eared parent Paul Butts first brought the foul-mouthed Minion to the attention of the media. "Originally we didn't think anything of it, until my wife was moving it out of the car seat and heard something that didn't sound quite right," said Butts. "She staggered into the house, with the back of her hand pressed firmly against her forehead, her skin white as paper. When I asked her whatever was the matter, she began waving her arms in front of her, as if blind. She then passed out, gracefully draping herself across her gilded fainting couch."

"I saw she had a Minion toy clutched firmly in her hand," reported Butts. "When I took it from her, it uttered an epithet that nearly made me swoon as well."

We hear at Bob Canada's BlogWorld were of course skeptical. We managed to get a hold of one of the Caveman Minion toys to see for ourselves if there was anything to the cursing claims. Upon examination, we found the toy uttered nine different phrases:
“Thou art as loathsome as a toad.”
 “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

“Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.”
“There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”
“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” 
“Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.” 
“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!” 
“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”
“Thou art as fat as butter.”
Insulting, for sure, strangely erudite, definitely, but hardly worth all the outrage.

A spokesman for McDonald's denies the accusations, saying it's all a coincidence. "We’re aware of a very small number of customers who have been in touch regarding this toy, and we regret any confusion or offense to those who may have misinterpreted its sounds. The allegation that this toy is saying anything offensive or profane is not true. Our goal at McDonald’s is to serve up food and fun for our valued customers, whether they be a stuffed cloak-bag of guts, or a swollen parcel of dropsies. We’re glad to have the Minions on board."

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