R.I.P. Rip

Sad to hear of the death of Rip Taylor, who died today at age 84.

Taylor popped up on every single game and variety show from the 1970s through 1990s. His act was as unchanging as the sun— every time he was introduced, he'd run out onstage with a large shopping bag, then reach into it and toss pounds and pounds of confetti all over the set and the audience. That's pretty much it!

Despite the simplicity and silliness of his act, his outrageous antics always made me laugh. Or at least smile.

I don't really have anything profound to say about him, I just wanted to write "R.I.P. Rip."

It's Log, Log, Log!

Saw this online today. From the fine folks at Wayfair, it's the Tustin "End Table." According to them, it can serve as a "unique seating option" or as an "occasional table." Best of all, it can be yours for the low, low price of just $215.99!

Yeah... it's a goddamned log, people. A log that's someone has convinced themselves is a table. You're paying nearly $200 for a log. A log that you could pick up at any lumber yard in town for ten bucks or less.

I could maybe see using this as uncomfortable seating around a rustic, rough-hewn wooden dinner table. But an end table? With that narrow, vertical shape? The first time some Karen in a weekend cabin sat her wine glass on this thing, it'd topple over in a second.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine, so I could bring people from the 1800s to the present and show them what our world has become. I can only imagine what they'd think of the idea of someone paying such an outlandish price for an unshaped hunk of wood.

It Came From The Cineplex: Rambo: Last Blood

Rambo: Last Blood was written by Matthew Cirulnick and Sylvester Stallone (with "story credit" by Dan Gordon). It was directed by Adrian Grunberg.

Cirulnick previously wrote Paid In Full (?) and some minor TV work and that's about it.

Stallone should need no introduction, as he's one of the most famous celebs in the world, as well as a prolific actor, writer, producer and director. On the writing side, he previously penned the Rocky movies (Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V and Rocky Balboa), F.I.S.T., Paradise Alley, Stayin' Alive (!), Rhinestone (!!), Cobra, Over The Top, Cliffhanger, Driven, Homefront, The Expendables 1, 2 and 3, Creed and Creed II.

Of course he also wrote First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III and Rambo.

Grunberg has had a long and checkered career, as he previously wrote Train Ride To Hollywood, Tank, Gotcha!, Passenger 57, Taking The Heat, Surf Ninjas (!), Wyatt Earp, Murder In The First, The Assignment, The Hurricane, The Celestine Prophecy (!!), A Very Mary Christmas and Let There Be Light. Uh-oh! Sounds like somebody got born again near the end of their career!

Cirulnick has previously worked as a second unit or assistant director on several dozen films, which I won't list here. His sole solo directorial effort was Get The Gringo.

Many consider the character of Rambo to be a dinosaur— a relic of a bygone era that has no place in our current society. One could say the same thing about this movie. It feels like a throwback to old school action films of the 1980s. It's incredibly violent, overly simplistic, with absolutely no surprises.

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that! Sometimes you just want to turn off your brain and watch a simple story in which a ripped guy in a headband singlehandedly obliterates and entire army.

Believe it or not, there are some critics out there condemning this film for its excessive amount of violence? Seriously? Have these people ever seen an action movie before? That's kind of the point. Over-the-top, glorious violence, and lots of it.

That said, the third act of Rambo: Last Blood does take a bit of a dark turn, as it seemingly turns into one of the Saw movies. In fact this one makes First Blood,the original film, look positively quaint!

One person who most definitely doesn't like the movie is David Morrell, who authored First Blood— the movie that inspired the original film. According to him, Last Blood is "a mess," and he said he was embarrassed to have his name associated with it. 

Said Morrell, "Rambo could be called John Smith, and the film wouldn't change." I felt degraded and dehumanized after I left the theater. Instead of being soulful, this new movie lacks one. I felt I was less a human being for having seen it, and today that's an unfortunate message."

Yikes! Don't pull any punches, John. Tell us how you reeeeeally feel.

I was thinking about the Rambo franchise as a whole, and it struck me that it's very similar to the Rocky series. The original Rocky won a goddamned Best Picture Oscar, for poop's sake! Unfortunately every subsequent installment was a little worse than the one before, culminating in the disappointing nadir that was Rocky V. Sixteen years later, Stallone returned to the series with Rocky Balboa, a return to form that was nearly as good as the original.

The Rambo series follows that exact same path. First Blood wasn't an Oscar winner by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a solid action film that actually had a powerful message about war and its aftereffects. Sadly, each sequel was more outrageous and over the top than the one before it, as Rambo III was practically a parody of the original. Twenty years later, Stallone resurrected the character in 2008's Rambo, which was hailed as a return to form and a worthy successor to the original.

Annnnnnd then Stallone squandered all that goodwill with this unnecessary and poorly-received followup. Some people just don't know when to quit.

Actually, maybe he does. In December 2018, Stallone stated that Last Blood would be the final Rambo film, as the character would finally find the peace he's been seeking all his life. However, during the 2019 Cannes Festival, he said he'd be up for another if this new film was a box office hit.

So far Rambo: Last Blood has grossed $61 million worldwide against its modest $50 million budget. Eh, that ain't good, as it'll need to make $100 million just to break even. Looks like Rambo rode off into the sunset for real!

SPOILERS, ALTHOUGH THERE'S REALLY NOT A LOT TO SPOIL!

The "Plot:"
It's been eleven years since the events of Rambo. John Rambo now lives on his family farm in Arizona, along with Maria Beltran a middle-aged Hispanic woman who may be his friend, casual acquaintance, housekeeper or even secret lover. It's never made clear just what their relationship is. Maria's granddaughter Gabriela also lives with them, and Rambo's all but adopted her as his niece.

Rambo's seemingly found the peace he's sought for his whole life, as he spends his days with his makeshift family, raises and trains horses and digs an elaborate series of Vietnam War-like tunnels under the farm. Wait, what? Apparently the tunnels are some form of warped therapy for him.

Gabriela's about to go off to college and has her whole life ahead of her, so of course she's a goner. She gets a message from her old friend Giselle, who's spotted Gabriela's deadbeat dad Miguel in Mexico. She asks Rambo if she can go to Mexico by herself (!) to "get some answers" from her dad. Rambo and Maria both tell her that Miguel is bad news, and she's better off without him. Rambo makes her promise not to go.

Cut to Gabriela immediately throwing a bag in her car and heading for Mexico, with precise comedy timing.

Gabriela meets up with Giselle in Mexico, and the two drive to Miguel's apartment. Gabriela nervously knocks on the door and meets her real father at last. Unfortunately Rambo & Maria were right about Miguel, as he tells her he doesn't want anything to do with her and to piss off.

Giselle takes Gabriel to a bar to help her "get her head straight." Because Lord knows, any time I need to reflect on a traumatic life event, I go to a crowded public space filled with flashing lights and deafening techno music. Within ten seconds she's approached by a skeevy guy who deflects her objections, then drugs and abducts her.

Maria gets a call from Gizelle, informing her that Gabriela's disappeared. Rambo realizes she went to Mexico against his wishes, and heads for the border.

We then see Gabriela's being held prisoner in a Mexican brothel, along with several dozen other girls. A man (Victor Martinez, although we're not supposed to know that yet) enters and tells the girls that if any of them even think about trying to escape, he'll personally shoot them in the head.

Rambo arrives in Meh-hee-co, where he finds Giselle and forces her to take him to the club. She reluctantly points out El Flaco, the man who abducted Gabriela. Rambo tells her to get lost and follows the man out of the club. A mysterious woman watches Rambo with interest.

Outside the club, Rambo beats the every loving crap out of El Flaco until he confesses Gabriella's being held in a brothel owned by Hugo and Victor Martinez, members of a powerful Mexican drug cartel. Rambo stupidly, er, I mean brazenly barges into the Martinez compound and is immediately surrounded by several hundred cartel goons.

Rambo demands the brothers hand over Gabriela. They laugh, and Hugo says that thanks to Rambo's interference, he'll be sure to give her extra "attention." Victor then carves a large "V" in the side of Rambo's face, and the goons beat him to within an inch of his life and leave him for dead.

The brothers then enter their brothel, and Hugo tells Victor to find Gabriela and mark her. He carves his initial into her face before injecting her with heroin or something equally vile.

Meanwhile the Mystery Woman, who's been tailing Rambo for some reason, scoops him up, takes him to her place and nurses him back to health. When he wakes four days later, she tells him her name is Carmen Delgado. She's an independent journalist who's been investigating the Martinez Brothers after they kidnapped and murdered her sister. She tells Rambo where to find the Martinez's brothel.

Rambo then raids the brothel, easily killing all the men inside. He tells the captive girls to leave, but they refuse, as they're terrified of what the Martinezes will do to them if they flee. He finds an injured and drugged Gabriela in one of the rooms and rescues her.

On the way back to Arizona, Rambo tells Gabriela how she has a bright and shining future ahead of her (uh-oh). He says he's glad she came into his life ten years ago, and that she's given him hope and changed his miserable life for the better. Right on cue, Gabriela dies of a drug overdose. He returns to his ranch, where he buries her body. He then sends Maria away and returns to Mexico.

Rambo locates Carmen, and asks her help in locating Victor. She's reluctant at first, saying killing him won't change anything. Eventually she relents and tells him. Rambo bursts into Victor's mansion, wiping out all his armed guards. He then approaches Victor's bedroom, and hears him in the shower.

Some time later Hugo discovers the dead bodies lying all over Victor's house, along with his decapitated body stretched out on the bed. Cut to Rambo driving back to Arizona, as he nonchalantly flings Victor's head out of his truck.

We then get an old fashioned 1980s montage, as Rambo rigs his ranch— and the tunnels beneath— with dozens of lethal Home Alone-style traps. He then sits and waits for the sh*tstorm he knows is coming.

Right on schedule, Hugo leads a veritable army of his goons to Rambo's ranch. They trigger a massive firebomb trap, and Rambo opens fire on them before heading into his tunnels. The goons follow him underground, where they're all gruesomely killed in an awesome orgy of blood and gore. Hey, it's what the audience came to see, right?

Rambo's shot a couple times, but manages to shrug off his injuries. He brutally kills several hundred men, leaving Hugo for last. He shoots an arrow into each of his limbs, pinning him against the barn wall. Rambo then slices Hugo open, reaches into his chest, pulls out his beating heart and shows it to him before he dies. Cliched, but effective.

Rambo staggers to his front porch, where he rests in a rocking chair and seemingly dies. But not so fast! During a montage of scenes from past Rambo films, we see him saddle up his horse and ride off into the sunset.

Thoughts:
• There's really not a lot to say about this film, so this'll be short. It's a Rambo movie. That's pretty much all there is to know about it.

• As the movie opens, Rambo's chilling on his family farm with his friend Maria and her granddaughter Gabriela. I had absolutely zero memory of either of these two characters. Admittedly it's been eleven years since I saw Rambo, so I thought maybe they were introduced there and I just forgot about them.

Nope! Rambo took place primarily in the jungles of Burma. Maria and Gabriela are brand new characters who were retconned into Rambo's life in between movies!

Last Blood never really elaborates on the relationship between Rambo and Maria either. Is she his lover? Housekeeper? Casual acquaintance? Apparently it's none of our business, as the movie never specifies.

• Most of the first act revolves around Gabriela and her ill-advised trek to Mexico. I get it— we've never seen her before, so the movie needed to firmly establish her character to make us care about her when she's killed off. 

That said, it was an odd way to begin a Rambo movie— by not having Rambo in it.

• Apparently over the past eleven years, Rambo's dug an extensive series of maze-like tunnels under his family farm— much like the ones he and his fellow soldiers encountered during the Vietnam War. Several things here.

First of all, why? Why the hell would anyone willingly spend years on a project that reminds them of the worst period of their life? At one point Gabriela comments that Rambo's crazy for building all these tunnels. Her comment's meant as a joke, but it's actually 100% true. This is not the action of a sane man who's finally "at peace" with the world. 

Secondly, how the holy frak did an elderly man like Rambo dig all these elaborate tunnels by himself?
Some of the tunnels appear to have curved walls, as if they're made from large sewer pipe. I could maybe see him digging a trench, lowering the pipe into it and covering it back up with dirt.

The rest of the tunnels are squared off though, supported by periodic wooden braces— much like mine tunnels. The only way he could have made those is by plain old digging underground.

There's probably a good half mile of interconnected tunnels under his farm. How'd he haul all that dirt out by himself? Where's the corresponding mountain of Earth he displaced? Who thought this cockamamie idea was the least bit feasible?

• When Rambo brings Gabriela back from Mexico, he tells her how she's changed his life for the better. The minute he said this, I knew she was a goner. And when he told her she had to hold on because she had her whole life ahead of her— I sat in the theater thinking, "No, Rambo! Stop! Don't say that!"

Sure enough, with precise comedic timing, she keels over and dies. 

• Last Blood is the first film in the franchise in which Colonel Trautman (played by Richard Crenna) doesn't appear. That's probably because he died back in 2003. 

So how'd he appear in a dream sequence in Rambo, if it came out five years after his death? Why, through the magic of stock footage, of course!

• All of the Rambo films have been well under two hours, but Last Blood is the shortest yet. It clocks in at a very brisk 89 minutes.

Supposedly it was originally much longer, as different cuts were test screened months before release. The filmmakers settled on a "final" cut just weeks before the premiere. Then at the very last minute, they cut the film even more, to just below 90 minutes. The trailers feature many scenes not in the final version of the movie.

Actually I'm OK with its brevity. It starts out kind of slow, but once that third act begins it gets right to the action— which is what everyone came to see!

• Of course SJWs are condemning the film for depicting a Mexico that's a cesspool of violence and sex trafficking, ruled by deadly drug cartels. So... it's a documentary then, right?

I'm joking, I'm joking! You remember jokes, right? They're something we used to have before the Dark Times. Before the Empire.

Personally I don't see a problem with the film. Everything in the movie is so over the top that it's almost like a live-action cartoon. And that includes the portrayal of the drug cartel.

• Speaking of cartoons... did you know there was a short lived Rambo animated series back in the 1980s? There was a Robocop one as well a couple years later. Cartoons based on R-rated theatrical film. The 1980s were a magical time to be alive.

• Regular readers of Bob Canada's BlogWorld know I'm a harsh critic of modern movie poster design, which is nearly always lazy and unappealing. That includes the poster at the top of the page. I'm not a fan of it's harsh solarized look, complete with what appears to be silver skin on Stallone.

That said, the black & white poster is a freakin' masterpiece compared to this blurry, amateurish monstrosity! I'm still not a hundred percent convinced that this isn't an example of fan art.

• After Gabriela dies, Rambo returns to Mexico, where he kills Victor by beheading him. A bit later we see him driving down a highway, as he tosses Victor's head out the window of his truck. 

So apparently Rambo crossed the border from Mexico into America— with a goddamed severed head under the seat of his truck. Yikes! Maybe we DO need better security along the Mexican border!

• Hugo and his army of goons invade Rambo's farm and begin waging war on him. He lures them into his tunnels, where he easily kills hundreds of cartel soldiers. Why the hell didn't Hugo order his men to retreat? Rambo obviously has the upper hand in these intricate tunnels, as they're completely unfamiliar to Hugo's forces. So why keep charging deeper and deeper into certain death?

Rambo: Last Blood is an incredibly simple revenge tale with few if any surprises, and a throwback to 1980s action films. It's also incredibly violent, but so over-the-top it almost becomes cartoonish. Fans of the franchise will likely enjoy it, but the general public will find it obsolete and passe. I give it a B-.

Don't You Guys Have Something Better To Do?

This this bit of news online today. Apparently the FBI is going to be monitoring all chatter revolving around the new Clown, er, I mean Joker movie. I assume they're expecting theaters around the country to be filled with machine gun-toting, green haired incels who have a bone to pick with society. Or something.

Doesn't it seem like the FBI is excessively concerned with movies? Their logo pops up at the beginning of every DVD I own, telling me not to copy or pirate it. Now they're haunting movie chat rooms, hoping to weed out any disgruntled psychopaths. Aren't there any, you know, real crimes they should be out there investigating?

I'm starting to think they just like watching movies over in Quantico, and figured out a brilliant way to parlay the hobby into their job.

It Came From The Cineplex: Good Boys

Good Boys was written by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky, and directed by Gene Stupnitsky.

Eisenberg and Stupnitsky are working partners, who've mostly written for TV. They're probably best known for writing many episodes of The Office. On the theatrical side, the two previously wrote Year One (!) and Bad Teacher.

Stupnitsky previously directed a couple episodes of The Office. Good Boys is his cinematic directorial debut.

The movie was produced by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (among many others). They're the creative team who've brought us numerous R-rated raunch comedies over the years, such as Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express, This Is The End, Neighbors, The Interview, Sausage Party and The Disaster Artist.

On the surface, Good Boys seems like nothing more than a gimmick comedy. One in which the filmmakers take a trio of sixth graders, have 'em curse like sailors and that in itself becomes the joke.

Fortunately there's more to the movie than just foul-mouthed tweens. In fact it features a surprising amount of realistic drama and emotion. You might even say it has heart!

And therein lies my problem with the film. Based on the trailers, I was not expecting a thoughtful examination of childhood relationships, and how friends change over time and grow apart.

And yet that's exactly what we get. The entire third act feels like a completely different film, as it suddenly becomes a Hallmark Channel movie. In fact the change in tone from raunchy comedy to feel-good schmaltz was so abrupt I nearly got whiplash.

Worst of all, this sappiness feels completely unearned, given all the prior scenes of porn, drugs and sex dolls. It feels tacked on, as if the filmmakers realized their creation had no soul, so they added it to give the movie the illusion it has a heart. Feh.

So far the film's grossed $104 million worldwide against its minuscule $20 million budget, making it a box office hit.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Max (played by Jacob Tremblay) Thor (played by Brady Noon) and Lucas (played by Keith L. Williams) are three typical sixth graders and best friends for life, calling themselves "The Beanbag Boys." They're not without their problems though— Max has a major crush on his classmate Brixlee, but is too scared to tell her. Thor loves singing and dancing, but drops out of the school play after being teased by bullies. And Lucas' idyllic home life is turned upside down when his parents announce they're getting a divorce.

Max is unexpectedly invited to a "kissing party" being thrown by Soren, the coolest kid in school. When Max learns Brixlee will be there, he realizes it's his chance to finally make his move. Unfortunately neither he nor his friends have the slightest idea how to kiss a girl.

The three get the bright idea to learn by observing their teenaged neighbor Hannah and her boyfriend Benji. They try to spy on them through a fence, but can't get a good look at the smooching couple. Thor and Lucas then talk Max into using his father's drone— which he's been forbidden to ever touch— to spy on them.

Max flies the drone over the fence, just as Benji breaks up with Hannah and leaves. Hannah and her best friend Lily see the drone spying on them, grab it and refuse to give it back. Max and the others then steal Hannah and Lily's bottle of ecstasy and demand they hand over the drone. In all the hubbub the drone's destroyed, and Max and his friends run off with the girls' drugs.

Max says when his dad finds out about the drone, he'll be grounded for life and miss his chance to kiss Brixlee. Thor and Lucas suggest replacing the drone, but Max says it cost hundreds of dollars. Thor suggests they sell their rare and valuable Ascension card that the three chipped in on and swore to keep forever.

They attempt to sell it to a local gaming nerd, but at the last second Lucas backs out of the deal, claiming it's just not right. The gamer then notices that Thor's father owns a Real Girl sex doll, and buys it for $450.

The boys skip school and spend the second act attempting to reach the mall on their bikes. Along the way they encounter an off duty policeman, who just wants to go home and couldn't care less what the boys are up to. They believe he's about to arrest them for playing hooky though, and surrender the ecstasy to him.

After many trials and tribulations they finally reach the mall, only to find the last drone was sold to... Hannah and Lily. The girls offer to trade the new drone for their drugs, but the boys admit they gave it to the cop. The girls then take the boys to Benji's frat house, and tell them to buy some more pills from him. The boys ask for Benji, and manage to score a new bottle of pills from him.

The two groups make their trade, and Max finally gets the drone. Just then his father calls, saying he's coming home early. Unable to get back and replace the drone in time, Max attempts to fly it into his house. He does so, but he's not a very good pilot, and the drone's blades destroy the home in the process.

Max's father immediately realizes what happened and grounds Max. Their ordeal causes the three best friends to begin arguing, and The Beanbag Boys break up and go their separate ways.

Max is devastated that he's missing the party and won't get to kiss Brixlee. Lucas knocks on his window and talks him into sneaking out, reasoning that he can't get more grounded than he already is. They meet up with Thor, and Max realizes Lucas tricked them both into reuniting.

The three go to Soren's party, where Max successfully kisses Brixlee. Thor and Lucas feel left out and go upstairs to play videogames. They're surprised when they run into Hannah and Lily, who're both hopped up on ecstasy. The boys wonder what the two teens are doing at the party, and Lily reveals she's Soren's sister. The boys tell them their troubles, and the girls encourage Thor to sing again if it makes him happy.

Cut to a montage of The Beanbag Boys over the next few weeks. Max and Brixlee date and ultimately break up, and he ends up with a girl named Scout. Thor lands the lead in the school musical. Lucas, who loves rules and authority, joins the school's anti-bullying league and comes to terms with his parents' divorce.

After the musical, The Beanbag Boys reconcile and promise they'll always be friends.

Thoughts:
• Jacob Tremblay, who plays Max, definitely needs to find a new agent, stat. He made an impressive splash for himself in 2016 when he starred in Room (not THE Room!), which was nominated for several Oscars. 

Unfortunately he immediately squandered all that good will by appearing in The Book Of Henry, which was widely hailed as one of the worst movies of the decade. He then went on to star in 2018's execrable The Predator, as a young boy whose autism superpowers make him desirable to titular aliens (yes, you read that right).

Good Boys is a slight step up from those two films, but Tremblay really needs to start choosing his projects more carefully, before he ends up as a "celebrity" on Match Game or Dancing With The Stars.

By the way, Good Boys almost makes up for Tremblay's role in The Predator. Almost.

• There's a running joke through the movie in the three leads can't open the child-proof cap on a bottle of pills. Hannah and Lily can't seem to open the bottle either, and they're teens. In fact no one under the age of twenty one seems to be able to figure out how to get the cap off.

• Let's talk about the Good Boys movie poster, shall we? First of all, I think this may be the first time in history that a film's rating has been incorporated into its logo!

I get it— the filmmakers want to make sure parents know this isn't a Disney or Nickelodeon move, and to keep their kids far away.

Secondly, what the hell's up with actor Keith L. Williams (the one on the left) in this poster? For one thing they made him the same height as the other two boys, when in reality he was at least a foot and a half taller than them. And what's the deal with his expression? They've given him a terrifying scowl that would make Ice Cube proud, which is about as far away from the characters's ultra-sweet and innocent personality as you could get.

By the way, the warning on the poster didn't work. Neither did the large sign at the ticket counter, cautioning parents that this was not a movie for kids. Predictably, there were several dozen families, complete with children well under ten, present at my screening. Have fun explaining what a sex doll is to your six year olds, Parents Of The Year!

• In the third act the boys finally get a replacement drone. Unfortunately Max finds out his father's coming home early, and he won't be to replace the drone in time. He gets the bright idea to take the drone out of the box and fly it back to his house before his father returns.

Yeah, nice try movie, but I ain't buying it. There's no way in hell a drone would come fully charged right out of the box. In reality Max would have had to charge the battery for a good hour or two before he could fly it. Maybe longer!

• Subverted Expectations: All through the movie The Beanbag Boys are antagonized by Hannah and Lily. Late in the third act though the two girls relent and are actually nice to Thor and Lucas.

Granted, Hannah and Lily were high as hell when they did this, but still... I was not expecting them to become frenemies.

• One of The Beanbag Boys' classmates is a named "Atticus." At the end of the movie, Max breaks up with Brixlee and hooks up with a girl named "Scout."

Coincidence? Or are the screenwriters big fans of To Kill A Mockingbird?

Good Boys could have been a run of the mill gimmick comedy, but it manages to subvert expectations by giving us a cast of characters who act like actual tweens (complete with lots of cursing). It's mildly entertaining, but lost me in the third act when it abruptly switches tones in a desperate attempt to convince the audience it has heart. I give it a B-.

Cancel Culture

I've been seeing these headlines on the Yahoo homepage LITERALLY every day for the past year. No lie, it pops up every. single. day.

Based on the prevalence of this "news" item, I've come to the conclusion that either Yahoo has been running the exact same story for 365 days, or Netflix has 23,000 TV series in its current lineup.

M-O-O-N, That Spells "Eh, I Guess So"

For the past five years now, I've been occasionally blogging about the Hollywood film adaptation of The Stand, based on the Stephen King book of the same name.

You can read those previous posts here, if you've a mind to:
M-O-O-N, That Spells "I've Got A Bad Feeling About This"
M-O-O-N, That Spells, "I Have A Slightly Better Feeling About This"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "Oh For Cryin' Out Loud!"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off!"
M-O-O-N, That Spells "I'm Cautiously Optimistic"

See, The Stand is my all time favorite book, and I've probably read it twenty or thirty times over the years. So naturally I have a vested interest in a new film adaptation, and want the producers to do justice to the story.

Unfortunately, each update on the production has been more appalling than the last, and it was finally shelved in 2016.

But wait! Apparently the project's back on! It's now reportedly going to be a ten episode miniseries on CBS: All Access, the fine folks who've brought us two miserable seasons of Star Trek: Discovery, aka STD. Um... hooray, I guess?

Earlier this year CBS announced they'd cast James Marsden as main character Stu Redman, Odessa Young as his love interest Fran Goldsmith, Greg Kinnear as retired sociologist Glen Bateman, Amber Heard as the shifty Nadine Cross, Henry Zaga as deaf-mute Nick Andros, Nat Wolff as ex-con Lloyd Henreid and Whoopi Goldberg as the 108 year old Mother Abigail. 

So far I have no particular opinion one way or another about any of these people. Hopefully they'll all surprise me once I see them in action.

In the past couple weeks CBS has announced two more cast members.

First up is shock-rocker Marilyn Manson (aka Brian Warner) in an "undisclosed" role. Interesting! OK, now they've got my attention! 

I'm a bit puzzled as to why they're being so secretive about who Manson's playing though. He's wayyyy too old to play unhinged teen Harold Lauder, so that's out. My money's on the pyromaniac Trashcan Man. That's a role that calls for someone with an unsettling, disturbing look to them, and can play batsh*t crazy without even trying. Manson definitely fills the bill there.

CBS also revealed they'd finally found their Randall Flagg, the Big Bad of The Stand. Flagg, aka The Dark Man, aka The Walkin' Dude and many other monikers, will be played by actor Alexander Skarsgard.

Eh. I guess so. I think most fans were picturing someone who can be menacing and charming at the same time, like Matthew McConaughey, Sebastian Stan or Tom Hardy.

Skarsgard just seems like... I dunno, a cipher to me. I was underwhelmed by his casting, but then I realized I'm really not that familiar with Skarsgard's work. I've heard of him of course, but a quick look through IMDB shows I've seen exactly three of his sixty three film credits: Zoolander, Battleship (oy) and the title role in The Legend Of Tarzan (oy gevalt!).

I'm sure he's done actual impressive work, but you'd never be able to prove it by those three examples! Hopefully he'll surprise me and be able to pull off the "friendly but creepy" vibe that Flagg needs.

Hey, his brother's Bill Skarsgard, aka Pennywise The Dancing Clown! Maybe Bill can give him some pointers on how to be reeeally scary?

It Came From The Cineplex: Angel Has Fallen

Angel Has Fallen was written by Robert Mark Kamen, Matt Cook and Ric Roman Waugh (with "story by" credit to Creighton Rothenberger and Katrin Benedikt. Somehow it took a whopping FIVE people to write this film. It was directed by Ric Roman Waugh.

Kamen is a veteran screenwriter, who previously penned numerous major films, such as Taps, The Karate Kid I, II and III, Lethal Weapon 3, The Fifth Element, Kiss Of The Dragon, The Transporter 1, 2 and 3, Taken 1, 2 and 3, The Karate Kid (2010), Colombiana, The Transporter Refueled and Enter The Warriors Gate. Now THAT'S a resume!

Cook previously wrote Triple 9 (?), The Duel (??) and Patriot's Day. Rothenberger and Benedikt are working partners, who previously wrote Olympus Has Fallen and London Has Fallen (the two previous films in this trilogy) along with The Expendables 3.

Waugh is a former stunt man who previously wrote and directed In the Shadows, Felon, Snitch and Shot Caller, none of which I've ever heard of.

As you've likely figured out by now, Angel Has Fallen in the third film in the Fallen franchise. According to star Gerard Butler, it's also the last (unless it's a surprise box office hit, of course).

It's a mildly entertaining action movie that cobbles togeether bits and pieces from many other better films, such as The Fugitive, Vantage Point and The Sum Of All Fears. It's also instantly forgetabble, as it'll begin fading from your mind by the time you get back to your car.

Gerard Butler's fine once again as Agent Mike Banning, as he wearily saves the world one last time. The usually realiable Morgan Freeman turns in a low-energy performance, showing up at the beginning and end but sitting out the middle of the film. Apparently someone forgot to tell Tim Blake Nelson he was starring in an action movie though, as his weasily character wouldn't be out of place in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

The highlight of the film though has to be Nick Nolte's performance as a crazy hermit doomsday prepper. I'm convinced Nolte wasn't acting here, and was simply playing himself.

So far the film's grossed a surprising $126 million worldwide against its modest $40 million budget. That's a respectable amount, but it's down from the previous films' totals of $170 million and $205 million respectively.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Secret Service agent Mike Banning (played by Gerard Butler) is seemingly on patrol in Iraq or Afghanistan or some such place. He sweeps through a building, mowing down every enemy soldier who gets in his way.

Ah, but the joke's on the audience though, as it turns out he's actually in an elaborate military training facility run by his old Army Ranger buddy Wade Jennings (who we've suspiciously never heard of before).

Jennings (played by Danny Huston) is the CEO of private security company Salient Global. He's heard that Banning is up for the job of Director Of Secret Service, and asks him to help Salient get a lucrative government contract. For old time's sake. Banning says he'll do what he can.

Banning returns home to his loving wife Leah and infant daughter Lynne. Lately he's been suffering from migraines and insomnia, but hides his condition from Leah. He visits a doctor, who tells him he's feeling the effects from all the abuse his body took in the previous two films. The doctor tells Banning he's "a disaster waiting to happen," and says if he doesn't slow down and take it easy he could die. This causes Banning to reconsider taking the Director position.

Cut to a cabinet meeting led by Alan Trumball (played by Morgan Freeman), who's now the President. Vice President Martin Kirby (played by Tim Blake Nelson) warns Trumball of recent alarming Russian activity, and says the U.S. needs to strike back. Trumball refuses, saying he's not about to start a war.

Later Banning and a squad of Secret Service agents accompany Trumball on a fishing trip. Trumball tells Banning he's looking forward to him being the new Director. Banning starts to tell him he's changed his mind about the promotion, stops when he hears a disturbance.

Banning looks up and sees a huge flock of drones flying toward the President's boat. He watches in horror as the armed drones brutally take out dozens of Secret Service agents. As the drones head toward the boat, Banning pushes Trumball into the water and leaps in after him. The drones destroy the boat in a fiery explosion. Banning surfaces and drags the unconscious President to the shore, then promptly passes out.
Banning wakes in the hospital, where FBI Agent Helen Thompson (played by Jada Pinkett Smith) tells him Trumball is in a coma. She says there's numerous evidence (including hair and DNA) pointing to the fact that Banning was behind the attack on the President. She arrests him for attempted murder.

Cut to a convoy transporting Banning to a maximum security prison. Suddenly the convoy's ambushed by a herd of black SUVs, and a squad of soldiers emerge and kill all the government agents. Banning manages to escape his bonds and kills his attackers. He recognizes one of them as a Salient grunt, and realizes his old pal Jennings has betrayed him for some reason.

Banning uses a pay phone to call Leah and tell her he's alright. The call alerts the FBI to his location, and there's a big action chase scene as Banning manages to get away.

Meanwhile, Kirby is sworn in as acting President. His first action is to announce that Banning worked with Russia to assassinate the President. He says he's enlisting the help of Salient to strike back against Russia— essentially declaring war against them. Say... I think this guy may be up to no good!

Banning hears the announcement and realizes Jennings is working with Kirby. Their plan: A. Remove Trumball from office. B. Install Kirby as President. C. Declare war on Russia. D. Give a fat defense contract to Salient. E. Profit!

Banning makes his way to the home of his estranged father Clay (played by Nike Nolte), who he's not seen in decades. Clay's doomsday prepper who lives off the grid in a heavily fortified compound deep in the woods. After a tense reunion, Clay agrees to help Banning prove his innocence. Just then alarms go off, and Clay uses his surveillance system to see a squad of armed Salient goons has tracked Banning to his compound.

Clay sets off numerous traps and explosions, spectacularly killing all the goons. Banning and Clay manage to escape. While stopping for gas, Banning overhears a news report that Trumball is showing signs of waking. He says Kirby will try to kill Trumball to silence him and decides to go save his friend. He asks Clay to protect Leah and Lynne for him, and drives off.

Right on cue, Kirby orders Jennings to make sure Trumball doesn't wake up, and to "take care" of Banning's family. Salient goons then show up at Banning's house, and tell Leah they're taking her and Lynne to a safe location. Just then the goons are killed by Clay, who tells Leah he's there to rescue her. Leah's suspicious of him at first, but Clay tells her he regrets walking out on his wife and son. Now's not the time for family therapy, Clay!

Agent Thompson arrives at Clay's cabin and sees the dozens of dead Salient grunts. From this she somehow deduces that Banning is innocent and was set up by Jennings. I don't see any way she'd come to that conclusion, but let's just move on. Thompson visits Jenning's base to interrogate him. Once he realizes she suspects him, he brutally executes her.

Banning makes his way to the hospital, right as Trumball wakes. He's immediately captured and brought before the President. Banning tells Trumball the whole story, and says Jennings is coming for him. The President, knowing that Banning saved his life at the lake, believes his tale.

Just then Jennings begins pumping gas into the hospital (?), planning to blow it up and kill Trumball in the process. The hospital's evacuated (well, sort of), and Banning and the Secret Service have a shootout with more Salient goons. Jennings realizes that Banning somehow made it back to the hospital and tipped off Trumball. He then sets off a bomb, blowing the hospital to smithereens.

Banning hides the President in a nearby building, but the Salient goons come for him. He tells the Secret Service agents to protect the Prez, then goes on an impressive one-man killing spree, murdering every Salient grunt in sight.

Jennings realizes Banning will kill him if he finds him, so he orders up a chopper and heads for the roof. Just as he's about to board, Banning appears and blows up the copter real good. The two former friends then have a violent, knock-down drag-out fight. Banning eventually gets the best of Jennings and stabs him in the armpit, causing him to bleed out and collapse. The two reminisce about better times for a moment, and then Jennings dies.

Trumball clears Banning of all charges, then returns to the Oval Office where he has Kirby arrested for treason. Banning turns in his resignation to Trumball, but he refuses to accept it and offers him the Secret Service Director job. Banning accepts. Wait, didn't the doctor tell him not to take the job?

Anyway, we then see Clay enjoying dinner with Banning and his family. Banning invites Clay to live with them and make up for lost time, and he happily accepts.

Thoughts:
• Oddly enough, every film in the Fallen series has been distributed by a different studio. Olympus Has Fallen was released by FilmDistrict, London Has Fallen by Focus Features and now Angel Has Fallen by Lionsgate.

This likely explains why each film seems self contained. Although the main characters continue from one movie to the next, they never reference events from any of the previous installments.

• Piper Perabo plays Banning's wife Leah in the film. She replaces Radha Mitchell, who played her in the first two movies.

• Aaron Eckhart played President Benjamin Asher in the first two films of the series. Unfortunately he was unable to return for a third outing, so the producers promoted Morgan Freeman to the position.

Freeman's Alan Trumball's has had quite a career trajectory throughout the series. In Olympus Has Fallen, Trumball was the Speaker Of The House. In London Has Fallen he become Vice President. At some point between the second and third films, he was apparently elected President.

This is the second time Freeman's played the President. He did it the first time in 1998's Deep Impact. 

Apparently the filmmakers couldn't afford Morgan Freeman for the entire movie, so he shows up at the beginning, promptly falls into a coma and then reappears in the third act. I bet he shot all his scenes in a single weekend.

• From the second he appeared onscreen, it was obvious that Jennings was up to no good. He's supposed to be Banning's oldest and closest friend, but oddly enough we've never seen him or heard about him before. This retconn made it painfully apparent he was the villain.

Hilariously the movie treats Jenning's treachery as a big reveal. During the President's fishing trip, we cut to a hand pushing a big red button, which activates the drone strike. It's not until halfway through the film that Jennings admits he sent the drones. Yeah, we get it, movie. A five year old could have figured that out.

• Similarly, Jennings receives his orders from a powerful Mystery Man, who pulls the strings from behind the scenes. His identity is also supposed to be a secret, as he always stands in the shadows and speaks with a deep, modulated voice.

Again, it didn't take much effort to figure out the Mystery Man was Vice President Kirby. There was LITERALLY no other character it could be. Banning's the hero, Trumball was in a coma and Leah and Clay were both accounted for.  That left Kirby as the only possible culprit.

Note to aspiring screenwriters— when penning a mystery, it helps greatly to have more than one suspect.

This reminds me of a mystery story I wrote when I was about twelve. I showed it to my friend, and was disappointed when he easily guessed the identity of the murderer halfway through my tale. When I asked how he figured it out so easily, he said, "Welp, you've only got three characters in your story— the victim, the detective and another guy. It's not hard to figure out which of those three did it."

• These days in movies, it's standard operating procedure for middle-aged action stars to be paired with onscreen wives who are half their age (see any movie starring Tom Cruise and a willowly young starlet).

In what may be a first for Hollywood, Gerard Butler, aka Banning, is currently 49. Piper Perabo, who plays Banning's wife Leah, is currently 42. Wow! A seven year age difference! It's typically more like twenty seven! That's amazing!
• Angel Has Fallen does something I don't think I've ever seen before in an action movie. Banning, the hero, is actually suffering permanent damage from the various beatings he took in the previous films. 

His doctor even mentions that the numerous concussions he's received over the years are cumulative, and another one may kill him.

That's exactly what would happen in real life, and I'm stunned that anyone would actually put it in a movie like this. Well done, guys!

Annnnnnnd then the producers immediately squander that good will at the end, as Banning's condition is seemingly forgotten. In the final scene, Trumball offers Banning the Dirctor Of The Secret Service job. Banning happily accepts it.

Wait, what? I thought he was suffering from migraines and constant back pain? What about the grave warning that one more concussion could do him in? Did Banning forget about all that? What the hell?
 • When Banning orders the evacuation of the hospital, we see dozens of doctors and nurses running out of the building. We see a scant couple of ambulatory patients slowly hobble out as well. At no time do we see any staff pushing patients in wheelchairs or on gurneys.

So what happened to all the bedridden patients in the hospital? The ones who're in no condition to walk or be moved? I guess they can all just go f*ck themselves, as they all certainly perished when the hospital exploded and collapsed.

• As in virtually all action films, Banning proves his innocence in the end, but he does so by breaking a couple hundred other laws. I guess the President pardoned them all?

Angel Has Fallen is a standard action film that offers few if any surprises, as it's reminiscent of similar, better movies, which is never a good thing. It's also immediately forgettable, to the point where a year from now you'll wonder if you actually saw it. I'd rank it below the first film, but higher than the second, and give it a C+.