Friday, February 5, 2016

M-O-O-N, That Spells "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off!"

If you're a regular reader of my blog (as millions are), you'll know I'm a big fan of Stephen King's novel The Stand, and have been following the development of the new movie adaptation with a mixture of both fascination and dread.

To get everyone up to speed, here's what's happened so far:

June 2014: Director Josh Boone announces he'll be writing and directing a big budget theatrical adaptation of The Stand. Boone previously directed the teens-with-cancer tearjerker The Fault In Our Stars, so who better to adapt a sprawling epic about good vs. evil in the aftermath of a world-wide plague? 

Boone states he'll somehow whittle the 1,150 page novel down into one three hour movie. Bad idea.

November 2014: Boone changes his mind and says The Stand will now be split into three, possibly four, theatrical movies. Good idea!

June 2015: Boone changed his mind again, saying The Stand will now be an eight part Showtime miniseries. It will then inexplicably lead into a theatrical movie that will conclude the story. Yep, you read right, he wanted to start a TV show that ends in the cineplex. Very, very stupid and bad idea.

So far Boone's attempts to get this film off the ground remind me of this

Ah, but it gets worse! This week Josh Boone announced that he's putting The Stand "temporarily" on hold, and will now be directing a film of Revivalanother Stephen King novel. It's the story of a preacher who loses his wife and child in a car accident, and begins using electricity to become an actual healer.

As they say in all the Star Wars movies, "I have a bad feeling about this." See, in Hollywood, "placing a project on hold" is generally code for "burying it in a cement vault and salting the earth above it." It's a way for a director to save face when his pet project is torpedoed. Like how a restaurant will put up a sign reading "Closed to take care of sick relative" when they really mean "We were shut down by the Board Of Health because our kitchen is so filthy."

There's always a (slight) chance Boone's telling the truth, and he'll eventually get to direct The Stand someday. But his relative inexperience (he's only directed two films) and his inability to settle on a format don't fill me with much confidence. I have a feeling I'll be watching Mother Abigail battle the Dark Man onscreen about the same time that I'm wearing adult diapers and yelling at clouds.

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