Tyrannosaurus Nix!

Wow, can you believe it? It's the end of August and the stores aren't jam packed with Halloween crap yet! Not even a single pop-up costume shop anywhere in town! Can it be that retailers are sick of the constant mocking about Christmas Creep and such, and have finally implemented more sensible sales schedules? Nah... I can't see that happening.

Amidst all the Caitlyn and Cecil The Lion Killer costumes for sale, I did see this incredibly realistic and "officially licensed" inflatable Jurassic World T-Rex costume. My god, look at it. Take a moment to appreciate that fine, Old World craftsmanship. You don't see quality like this every day! It looks like an ILM special effect stepped right off the silver screen. Be sure and inform the local constabulary before you wear this convincing costume out in public, or you just might cause a widespread panic!

I have so many questions about this costume. First of all it's inflatable, and says it comes with a battery operated fan. Do they possibly mean air pump? Because I really don't see how a small fan that clips to your belt is going to keep an eight foot tall costume inflated at 15 psi.

Second, how the hell do you put it on? There's a large zipper in the front, so I guess you slither inside it and then inflate it? You'd have to, right? If you inflated it and then unzipped it, it would fly out of your hands and across the room with a rude sound.

So once you manage to get the thing on, you're basically trapped inside an airtight costume that's somehow kept inflated by a tiny, battery operated fan. Breathing the same stale, recirculated air over and over again. How long before the CO2 level in that thing builds up to deadly levels and you topple over into the bean dip, or knock the flat screen TV to the floor?

As a bonus, the costume comes in green, even though the photo clearly shows it as brown. And don't worry, Mom, cleanup is a breeze! It's hand-washable! Just rinse it out in some Woolite with cashmere sweater and other fine washables!