TV What Now?

Welp, today I learned that TV Guide is apparently still a thing! I honestly had no idea, as I haven't seen one on a magazine stand or in a checkout aisle since... the late 1990s?

It's changed quite a bit since I last saw one though. For one thing it's a lot bigger than it used to be. Back in the before time it was digest-sized, measuring just 5.25" x 7.5". 

Sometime around 2005 it ballooned to 7.375" x 10.25". Then in 2014 it shrank a bit, down to 7" x 10". Fascinating without being interesting, isn't it?

That's not the only change though. From what I understand, "The Guide" no longer features program listings, as the days of three networks are long gone. Instead it's now packed with news and interviews.

When I was a kid, it was the highlight of my week when the new TV Guide arrived. My Mom would come home with the weekly groceries, and I'd frantically search through all the bags till I found The Guide. I'd then scurry off and pore through it, like Gollum caressing his Precious. What an exciting life I led.

As it turns out, TV Guide was the source of a lot of family drama in our household. Several times a week my Dad would want to consult the Guide (even though we only had three TV channels), but would be unable to find it.

He'd then become absolutely FURIOUS and accuse everyone in the house of "hiding" it from him. Why he thought anyone would do such a thing, I have no idea. All other activity in the house would then cease, as we'd all be forced to hunt for his fakakte Guide. Naturally, we usually find it stuffed between the cushions in his favorite chair. 

This alleged hiding of the Guide eventually drove my Dad insane, to the point where he took a long piece of string and actually tied it to the magazine rack! From that point on, no one was allowed to remove it from the string for any reason. Each week he'd dispose of the old copy and tie the new one to the rack.

If anyone wanted to look up a show, we'd have to walk over to the magazine rack and stand there while we leafed through the Guide.

This "TV Guide On A String" very nearly put the kibosh on my sister's future marriage. A few years back my brother in law told me that shortly after he started dating my sister, she brought him home to meet the family. As he was being introduced, he spotted my Dad reading the TV Guide, which was quite prominently tied to the magazine rack. He said he thought about getting the hell out right then and there, but decided to stick around to see what else our family would do.

Thinking back on this, it probably goes a long way in explaining why I ended up the way I did.