Friday, February 22, 2013

World's Greatest Police Sketch Part 2

This week law enforcement agents in Normal, Illinois released this actual police artist sketch of a suspect they believe committed two armed robberies in the area. 

The suspect is described as male, between 5-foot-9 and 6-feet tall with a thin to medium build and between 25 and 35 years old.

Additionally the suspect appears to be a smooth, half-formed, nearly featureless simulacrum of a human being, perhaps the result of some sort of forbidden genetic or alien experiment. He is devoid of hair of any kind, with crudely sketched eyebrows that appear to have been drawn on with a Sharpie. He also has beady, rat-like eyes, a lipless gash of a mouth, a disturbingly small chin and an unsettling neck wattle. Or perhaps it's a ghastly neck wound; it's really kind of hard to tell. Something's going on with his neck, that's for sure. There's probably even some sort of exposed pulsating brain throbbing just underneath that hoodie too.

If you see this suspect, police officials ask that you please do all you can to suppress the normal human urge to kill it with fire and stove its head in with a shovel and instead contact their office immediately.

Although the alleged perpetrator acted alone, police have reason to believe he may be working in conjunction with this suspect.

Normal police have also released these startling surveillance photos of the suspect, in the hope they'll help the public recognize the perpetrator..

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, are you kidding me? 99% of the population is walking around with phones in their hands that can take 10 megapixel photos, and we're using cameras like these for security?

Mack Sennet used better quality cameras when he filmed the Keystone Cops in the 1910s. I've seen clearer photos of UFOs and Bigfoot!

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