Browbeaten

This week Fox finally released a clear image of the Thing from their upcoming train wreck, er, I mean summer blockbuster film, Fantastic 4. Or as the promotional material spells it, Fant4stic.

Sigh... once again Hollywood fails to get the look of such a simple character right.

Judging from the asymmetrical shoulders in the photo, it appears the filmmakers believe the Thing is composed of rock. If so, they got it absolutely wrong.

And of course once again they left out his trademark brow.

This is what the Thing is supposed to look like. He's not made of rocks, he just has a thick hide with a "dry river bed" texture. And a thick, overhanging brow. Those two things are what makes the Thing look like the Thing. Without those two crucial elements, he's just a generic monster made out of mud.

I don't understand why it seems to be so difficult to get him right.

Roger Corman's ill-fated 1994 Fantastic 4 movie featured a pretty decent Thing suit (especially for that film's microscopic budget), but even they didn't get his brow right.

Fox's previous two awful Fantastic 4 films came a bit closer to his comic book look. The texture of his body's pretty darned good— almost perfect in fact. But the face is all wrong (making him look more like a burn victim than the Thing) and once again he's missing his damned brow. Without that he's just not the Thing.

Here you go, Fox. I added a brow and fixed your Thing for you. You're welcome. This version still doesn't look particularly good, but it looks better than it did.

In the end I don't much care what he looks like. The Fantastic 4 has been my favorite comic book since I was old enough to read, and I've been waiting for the definitive movie version to come out ever since. I've already sat through two downright awful FF films— I can't sit through another. This ones got "bomb" written all over it as well, so... it's gonna just have to go watch itself, without me.

Dear God, if you really exist, please let Marvel Studios get back the rights to the Fantastic 4. And soon.