It Came From The Chinese Grocery: Tako Chips

I was browsing in the local Chinese grocery the other day (the good one, not that other one) and came upon these: Nong Shim TaKo Chips.

Note that these aren't the tako chips you're probably used to: for one thing they're spelled differently and for another, they're Octopus Flavored. You heard me, I said Octopus Flavored. I have to assume their slogan is "More tentacles means more flavor!" I'm also assuming that "Nong Shim" translates to, "Oh dear lord, why?"

Seeing the "Octopus Flavored" on the bag sealed the deal for me; how could I not buy them after that? How often do you see something like that printed on a bag of chips?

I got them home and after taking a couple of beauty shots of the bag for blogsterity, I tentatively opened it. I expected a wave of visible cartoon stink lines to emanate from the top of the bag, or to at least hear a chorus of alley cats wailing outside the window, looking for the source of the briny stench, but was disappointed on both counts. There wasn't any discernible smell.

The chips themselves are fish shaped, which was a bit of a let down. Would it have killed them to invent and construct an extruding machine capable of producing a chip with eight separate and distinct tentacles? Shoddy.

But I know you, you want to know how they taste, amiright? I tentatively tried a couple of chips and... surprisingly they're not bad. I was expecting them to taste like a mouth full of old fish heads that'd been setting in the sun all day, but they were reasonably tasty. In fact they tasted a lot like Bugles. Well, sort of. Imagine if you'd been fishing in your row boat all day since 6 a.m. and without washing your fish scale-covered hands, you reached into a bag of Bugles, grabbed a fist full and crammed them into your mouth. That's pretty much what they tasted like.

There was just a slight hint of fishy flavor. Nothing overpowering, thank goodness. Just a subtle impression; nothing that screamed "savory cephalapod."

For the record I've eaten real octopus before. I tried it when I visited China. It was OK, if you like eating pencil erasers.

So will I buy Octopus Flavored Tako Chips again? Probably not. They were far from the worst thing I've ever eaten; that honor goes to canned hominy (remind me to tell you about that some day). I'm just not a big fan of seafood, especially when if comes to salty snacks. I'm more of a BBQ flavor kind of guy. Sour cream, if I'm feeling adventurous.

Happy Birthday, Christopher Lee!

May 27 was the birthday of one of my favorite actors, Sir Christopher Lee. He turned 90 years old this year and is still going strong.

Lee's career has spanned decades, and he's starred in 275 films since 1946, making him the Guinness World Record holder for most film acting roles!

He's played everything from the monsters to Sherlock Holmes to Bond villain. He was of course Saruman in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and his Count Dooku, silly name aside, was one of the few highlights of the Star Wars prequels.

His most famous and iconic role is no doubt Hammer Studio's Count Dracula, which he played eight times. In Dracula: Prince of Darkness, he reportedly thought the dialogue was so bad that he refused to speak it on camera, instead spending the entire film hissing and glaring (to great effect, I might add).

Lee wanted to quit the Dracula films after the second one, but according to him the producers "emotionally blackmailed" him, telling him how many people would be put out of work if he didn't agree to star in the films. He would eventually relent and show up each time. His blackmailing was our gain, I suppose.

I can't think of any other actor who's played three of my all time favorite iconic movie monsters. If only he could have squeezed a werewolf and a gill man in there while he was with Hammer... (Note: I'm aware that he was in the werewolf film The Howling II, but that was far from an iconic role).

Lee is also a war hero, speaks eight different languages and is an accomplished singer. Geez, I feel productive if I do the dishes AND take out the trash all in the same day.

When Peter Jackson began filming The Hobbit this year, Lee desperately wanted to reprise his role of Saruman in the two films, but didn't think he could make the long and arduous flight to New Zealand at his age (as someone who spent 27 hours in a plane getting to China, I can sympathize). Peter Jackson apparently wanted him in the film just as badly, so he took a film crew to England and shot all of Lee's scenes there! Cool!

He's also the only Lord of the Rings cast member who actually met J.R.R. Toklein, was on Wing's Band On The Run album cover, and even hosted Saturday Night Live!

I'm worn out just reading his bio! And I haven't even mentioned that he's a British Knight, is descended from Italian nobility and has been married to a model since 1961. Here's to another 90 years!

Wonder Blog Powers, Activate!

To be read in Ted Knight's pompous baritone:

"Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Batman makes an amazing discovery!"

Yeah, that's right, biatches. I visited the freakin' Hall of Justice, where Superman and Aquaman hang out. And I bet you thought it was in New York City or probably Los Angeles, or maybe Vancouver because of the tax breaks. Nope, it's in downtown Louisville, practically right in my backyard. Tremble before me, mortals!

Drug Names That Sound Like Volcabulary Words

It must be tough for Big Pharma companies to come up with a name for a new drug. Most of the time they can't use the actual scientific name because it's too long and hard to pronounce, as well as meaningless. For example, would Viagra have been as successful if they'd called it by its real name of sildenafil citrate? Eh, OK, bad example. People would still buy Viagra if it was called Hitlerific Schlonger-uppers. 

For most drugs though they need a catchier name. One that vaguely suggests its effects but doesn't mean anything embarrassing in a foreign language. They spend millions coming up with such names. In some cases, they needed to spend a million more. 

Here are Thirteen Drug Names That Sound Like Vocabulary Words (note: these are all honest-to-god actual names of real drugs).

Abilify

verb. 

To slander or persecute. 

"The conservative townspeople abilified the young unwed mother."

Ambien

noun.

A unit of mood light measurement in 1970s era bachelor pads.

Sectral

abbr.

The name of an evil organization that has frequent clashes with suave British super spies.

Cataflam 

interjection.

Something the early Jerry Lewis used to bleat out in his movies.

"Oy, Mr. Lady, please stop with the hitting and the hurting and the cataflam!"

Singulair

noun.

The thing found at the center of a black hole, from which not even light can escape.

Celebrex 

noun.

One of the Elven leaders in The Lord of the Rings.

Simcor

abbr.

A huge, evil corporation that makes unstable artificial humanoids that accompany the crews of deep space missions.

Skelaxin 

slang.

How a skeleton rap star spends a quiet evening at home.

Cisapride

noun.

The kind of parade they don't like these days in North Carolina.

Soma

Are you F-ing kidding me? Someone actually named a real world drug "Soma?" (see Brave New World)

Clobazam

interjection.

Magic word a weak and sickly doctor exclaims to transform himself into a god-like, brawny superhero.

Spiriva

noun.

A horrifying type of spirochete contracted through intercourse. 

"I'm sorry Mr. Jenkins, but I'm afraid your test results indicate you've contracted spiriva."

Clomid

adjective.

Atmospheric condition resulting in uncomfortable sleeping weather. 

"Man, I couldn't sleep a wink last night. The whole house was really clomid."

You Got MichONNED! (Hey, You Try Coming Up With 25 Titles A Month!)

This week in Walking Dead news: Our first good look at Danai Gurira as fan favorite character Michonne!

Yeah, we got a quick glimpse of her in the second season finale, but this is the first time we've got a full, unobstructed view. I must say, she looks pretty darn bad-ass, and looks like she stepped right out of the pages of the comic.

I can't wait for Season 3!

What A Hoot!

In the news this week, British wildlife sanctuaries are being flooded with unwanted pet owls. It seems that at the height of Harry Potter mania, lots of people rushed out and bought freakin' owls for pets. Now that Potter's not "in" anymore, they've grown tired of their highly inappropriate house guests and are dumping them at sanctuaries or worse, opening the window and letting them "accidentally" fly off. Pet owls generally don't survive well in the wild, and those that do upset the local food chain. Ginger billionaire J.K. Rowling is even pleading with people to not flush their unwanted owls down the toilet, which is mighty big of her since she started the whole mess in the first place.

I won't ask what kind of an over indulgent ill-informed nimrod of a parent buys their precious entitled snowflake a wild and dangerous untamed bird of prey as a motherfrakin' pet, because the answer is obvious.

Instead, my question is: Where the hell do you even buy an owl in the first place?

I've been to plenty of pet shops in my day, and of course they all carried birds. Parakeets, budgies and even the occasional parrot. I can't ever remember browsing in the Owl Section though. Maybe they're not with the birds, maybe they're over between the Honey Badger Pit and Uncle Miltie's Scorpion Farm.

Is there some kind of Owl Store? Are there owl breeders who sell them to unsuspecting city folk? Or do you cover yourself in mice and sit in the woods until an owl swoops down and you catch it in a bag? Seriously, I wouldn't have any idea how to go about procuring an owl if my life depended on it.

Listen up, parents. You've got to learn to say no to your treasured little angels. They're going to end up hating you whether you clad them in the finest Oriental silks or keep them locked in a dank basement, so why go to the trouble of buying them a giant bird ill-suited for captivity that needs a huge amount of space and a special diet? Tell them they can get another body piercing or facial tattoo instead.

"Hey Daddy, I want an owl! I want you to get me an owl right away!"

"Alright, Veruca, alright. I'll get you one before the day's out."

"I want an owl NOW!"

Marvel Origin Story Books

I found this series of Marvel superhero storybooks a couple of weeks ago at Target, which were no doubt released to coincide with the release of The Avengers movie juggernaut.

There are six books in the series, although the inner dust cover hints at a seventh X-Men book, which I have not seen. They're written in simple storybook style with short, easy to read sentences and lots of large and colorful art. They hew pretty closely to the old school origin stories of Marvel's flagship characters (much more so than the current comics!), which of course is always a good thing.

I of course bought the books for the illustrations. I love the art of vintage Little Golden Books and like to study it to see how it was made. The illustrations here are bright and colorful and have the look and feel of old Little Golden Books.

Each of the books was illustrated by a different artist of team of artists, but they all share a uniform look. I like the art in them all, but of the six I think my favorite is the Spider-Man book. The color and lighting effects in it are very well done. The Spider-Man art is somewhat reminiscent of the work of the Hildebrandt brothers (or the Brothers Hildebrandt, as they preferred to be called).

If you've got a child who's all amped up for superheroes after seeing The Avengers for the third time, these books would make a perfect introduction to the Marvel Universe. Much more so than the actual comics these days, sad to say. I don't know what's going on in the comic industry, but in the past decade or so comic books have mutated from fun adventure stories suitable for kids to dark, grim and disturbing tales made for basement-dwelling 40 year olds. There's no way I'd let a kid of mine read a comic these days unless I leafed through it first. It's gotten that bad. These books are a fun and worthy substitute.

So far the only place I've seen these is at Target, but then again I haven't been anywhere else for a while (I'm quite busy with my duties as President and CEO of Bob Canada's Blogworld) so it's entirely possible other stores may carry them.

It Came From The Cineplex: The Cabin In The Woods

This is by necessity going to be a pretty vague review, as much of this movie's fun depends greatly on the element of surprise. There's no shocking twist ending as in The Sixth Sense; rather the whole movie is one long series of twists, switchbacks and surprises. If I were to reveal any of them to you you'd no doubt seek me out and rain blows upon my head. Therefore I'll tiptoe around the plot as much as possible.

The film starts out the same as dozens of other slasher movies: five college students travel to a remote cabin in the middle of nowhere for some R & R. The gang consists of the typical horror types. There's the Athlete, the Whore (hey, it's the movie's word, not mine), the Scholar, The Fool and of course, the Virgin. As part of the nature of the movie, each isn't exactly what they seem though; the Athlete is actually quite intelligent, the Virgin isn't really a virgin, etc.

Shortly after they arrive at the titular cabin, strange and unusual things begin happening and hijinx, as they say, ensue. The characters are attacked by a family of redneck pain-worshiping zombies and are picked off one by one.

Sounds like a standard slasher movie so far, right? Wrong! We soon discover that the students' every move is being monitored and the entire supernatural scenario is being controlled by someone. Who exactly is orchestrating events and the reasons why are definitely not what you might think. To say more would stray too far into spoiler territory and start that whole raining blows thing.

The movie is a lot of fun and plays around with the conventions and trappings of the horror genre. There's lots of humor in addition to genuine scares, and a huge free-for-all near the film's end that involves pretty much every horror movie archetype you could think of.

The film was co-written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard. Whedon also co-wrote and directed a little indie film you probably never heard of called The Avengers. Goddard, who directed the film, wrote Cloverfield as well as episodes of LOST and Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

The movie was completed way back in 2009, but due to the unfortunate bankruptcy of MGM Studios it was shelved until sold to Lionsgate, who finally released it in 2012. Lionsgate got quite a deal; they supposedly paid $12 million for the film, which had an original budget of $30 million.

Pros:
• An original concept, which is pretty rare in these days of endless sequels and remakes.

• Lots of twists and surprises to keep you guessing.

• Climax features pretty much every type of monster and horror movie villain.

• Lots of fun horror movie Easter eggs for sharp-eyed viewers.

• A surprise cameo at the end.

Cons:
• A convoluted and flimsy excuse for all the goings-on that really doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. Don't question the premise too vigorously or the whole thing will deflate like a balloon and fly across the room with an embarrassing noise.

• The very first scene of the movie gives us a partial clue as to what's happening. I'm really not sure why they did this. I think I would have waited a bit to tip my hand and reveal the big secret, but then again I'm not a director.

All in all a fun and original little film that shakes up the horror genre, and one of my favorite films of the year.  I give it a B+.

Life Imitates The Simpsons

Today in the news, a man from Thiensville, Wisconsin is suing an All You Can Eat restaurant because the establishment allegedly cut him off before he was full.

The restaurant was holding a fish fry last Friday, and they refused to serve him after he'd already eaten twelve pieces of fish.

"It's false advertising," said the 6' 6", 350 famished customer, who then called the police, saying, "I think that people have to stand up for consumers." The customer is now picketing the restaurant and will continue to do so until there's a resolution in the case.

Something about this story seems very, very familiar.

Waaaaay back in Season 4 of The Simpsons's in an episode titled New Kid On The Block, Marge and Homer visit Capt. McAlister's All You Can Eat Seafood Restaurant. Homer proceeds to take an entire steam tray from the buffet line and carry it back to his table.

Homer continues to gorge himself, prompting Capt. McAlister to say, "Tis no Man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine."

Long after closing time, the wait staff drags Homer, still trying to eat, from the premises. Outraged that he didn't get "all he could eat," the next day he visits attorney Lionel Hutz. After hearing Homer's story, Hutz says, "Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The Never-Ending Story" and advises him to sue.

In court, Hutz places Homer's wife Marge on the stand. She says that after they were ejected from the restaurant, they drove around until 3 A.M. looking for another All You Can Eat restaurant. When they couldn't find one, Homer then went fishing. Hutz rests his case by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this sound like a man who had 'all he could eat?"

Eventually Capt. McAlister offers Homer a settlement, which he accepts. At the end of the episode, we see Homer gorging himself in the window of McAlister's restaurant, with a sign above him that reads, "Bottomless Pete: Nature's Cruelest Mistake." McAlister has placed Homer in the window to attract curious customers, saying, "Come for the freak, stay for the food."

The real life story is practically a scene by scene recreation of the TV show!

Joe Jetpack

Like most of my illustrations, Joe started out as a sketchbook doodle. I did a quick little sketch of an alien with holes in his head and light shining from the holes. Originally he was just standing there, but I thought that was too boring so I gave him a jetpack and put him in a flying pose.

Usually when I draw an alien I give them detached pointed ears. I thought I'd try something new this time and draw ears that are built into his head.

I had a lot of trouble coming up with a suitable color for the sky. No matter what color I tried, some part of Joe's body would blend in with it. I finally quit worrying about it and made it green already. Now that I step back and look at it, I think the clouds are too much, or maybe there are too many of them. I might go back and fiddle with it later (I always say that, but I never do it).

Update! I revised Joe and fixed a couple of things that were bugging me.

Drawn in Photoshop on the graphic tablet.

Here's the sketch I did of Joe. Don't worry, I remembered to call the dentist. No emergency, just time for a checkup.

Life Imitates Trek (Again)

Once again life imitates art, or more specifically, Star Trek. Last week a French-American scientist invented a spray that makes you feel intoxicated without drinking alcohol, just like Star Trek: The Next Generation's Synthehol.

What's Synthehol, I hear you asking? Sit back for a Trek history lesson while I tell you. After a hard day's work of keeping the Federation safe from the Klingon menace, you could always count on finding Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy and Scotty knocking back highballs in the Enterprise's rec room (never Spock, of course. Lord no. He was always in his quarters, busy inserting a fresh stick up his ass). The crew of the Enterprise only drank real alcohol; you know, the hard stuff. Cool, delicious, brain-rottting, and dare I say it-- human liquor. None of these fancy alien brews for Kirk and his men. Well, that's not quite true; Scotty wasn't above sampling a Saurian brandy or Romulan ale, but then he'd drink the anti-freeze from the warp engines in a pinch, so he hardly counts.

Flash forward 70 years or so to Captain Picard and his touchy-feely crew. Vaal forbid real alcohol touch the lips of any of those overgrown boyscouts. No, they exclusively drank Synthehol. Invented by the Ferengi, Synthehol gave the drinker a pleasant buzz, but without all the unpleasant side effects like hangovers, projectile vomiting, liver-implosion, addiction and losing the house to that brittle ice queen you married against your mother's wishes. And its intoxicating effects could easily be shaken off, allowing you to fake-booze it up right before you went on duty.

It would seem that scientist David Edwards (who apparently is secretly Senator Al Franken in disguise) has invented Synthehol a couple of centuries early. It goes by the incredibly catchy name of WA|HH Quantum Sensations, and comes in spray form, much like Binaca. One spritz and you instantly feel pie-eyed. The only problem: the intoxicating effect only lasts a few seconds. It would reportedly take around 1,000 sprays in the mouth to equal the normal effects of one conventional alcoholic beverage, and sounds like something no one should do unless they enjoy bleeding uncontrollably from the tear ducts.

One bottle of the spray costs $26. I honestly don't see this becoming a huge seller. Sure, the concept of instant intoxication sounds great; if your mother-in-law walks in the door, you could get sloppy "I love you, man" drunk in a flash. But who wants to be kippered for only five seconds? When I want to get sauced I want it to last all night, in order to still the shrieking voices in my head for a few precious hours.

Regardless of its usefulness though, Synthehol can now join the ranks of real life Trek inventions, along with cell phones, hyposprays and iPads. I'm still waiting for the transporter though, so I can travel to China in ten seconds without having to sit on a plane next to a screaming baby for 27 hours.

Only Her Hairdresser Knows For Sure

If you watched TV at all during the 1970s you'll no doubt recognize Nancy Walker.

Among her more prominent roles, she was Rhoda's mom Ida Morgenstern on TV's Rhoda and Mildred the maid on McMillan and Wife. She also guest starred on numerous other TV shows including Happy Days, Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore, The Partridge Family, The Golden Girls and of course The Love Boat.

She also inexplicably directed Can't Stop The Music, which of course was the pseudo-biographical story of the Village People. If you've not yet seen it, stop what you're doing and run, don't walk to the video store. You won't regret it.

She was probably best known as Rosie the Waitress, spokesperson for Bounty paper towels (the quicker picker upper!) for a good 30 years.

That's a pretty good resume for a woman who has the exact same hairstyle as Dr. Zira.

Seriously, look at that hair. The sleek, swept-back style, the razor sharp widow's peak, the curly locks at the bottom... it's all identical. The only difference is the color. Well, that and the fact that one is a human and the other a mutated ape with the power of speech.

I first noticed this when I was a kid, but back then I didn't have the means to take screenshots nor a place to display them to the world at large. But I do now. I do now.

You can't tell me that the hair stylist on Planet Of The Apes didn't later become Nancy Walker's personal groomer.

Lest you think I cherry-picked images of Nancy Walker to support my point, I assure you I did not. She was sporting this same 'do in every photo I found of her. She apparently wore this particular style her entire life.

One would think that at some point someone in her family or at the very least her agent would have noticed the similarity, pulled her discreetly aside and said, "Nancy, bubala, you know I think you're the tops, but what's with the hair? How about a nice beehive, maybe? Or bangs? Would it kill you once to try bangs?"

Kudos to friend and fellow blogger Ted Parsnips for reminding me that Nancy Walker existed.

May The Odds Be Ever In Her Favor

Direct from the Capital to your District! Last week Mattel unveiled a Hunger Games Barbie, based on a small little film of the same name. 

They've been releasing special collectible Barbies like this for years now, based on movies and TV shows like Gone With The Wind, Star Trek and I Love Lucy. I'm not an expert Barbieologist, but as far as I know this is the first time they've released a Barbie based on a movie that's still in theaters.

As likenesses go, this is a pretty good one. It actually looks like Katniss Everdeen aka Jennifer Lawrence. Usually these collectible dolls end up looking more like Barbie than whoever they're based upon. The outfit looks pretty good too, and she's even wearing her trademark mocking jay pin.

It's a nice looking figure, but I don't see myself buying one. I collect action figures after all, and this... this is a doll. HUGE difference. One is a scale model of a human that comes complete with an authentic outfit and tons of accessories, and the other is a doll. I collect action figures. To suggest that I should collect a doll, well that would be downright silly.

WARNING: If you do decide to collect one, don't be surprised if she starts hunting down all your other dolls until she's the only one left.

Pandora? More like Pan-ADORE-A!

As I'm sure 98% of the internet already knows, Pandora Internet Radio is the wonder of our age and one of the greatest inventions our fair Republic has ever produced.

I, or course, only just recently discovered it a month or two ago. I'm not what you'd call an early adopter. I don't like to jump on the bandwagon until there's only one seat left. I'm still watching my 17 year old non-HD TV and I only just got a cell phone three years ago (a flip phone, which I'm still using). I'm just not interested in being on the cutting edge of technology, lest I slice my fingers.

Chalk it up to having parents who grew up in the depression and passed down their philosophy of "If it still works, it's good enough."

Normally I don't like to listen to music while I work. I know a lot of people do, but I've always found it too distracting. When I'm supposed to be typing out the features of the latest Nike running shoe for an ad, I don't like it when I instead type out lyrics boasting of how my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. That doesn't do the company nor me any good.

That said, I started listening to Pandora not out of want but of necessity. There are a disproportionate number of women in my office and there are times when their constant and unceasing chatter becomes overwhelming. To say it sounds like a hen house, while no doubt unkind, is undeniably only too apt. Call me a chauvinist if you will, ladies, but I'm only speaking what is true.

I don't mind when the talk is work related, as that's why we're all there. But when the blib blab veers toward subjects like who was unjustly sent packing on the latest singing or dance show, or how many times they've read Fifty Shades of Grey that week, it's more than I can take. That's when I pop in the earbuds and escape to my own little aural sanctuary.

If you've not yet tried Pandora, I heartily recommend it. What's not to love? You type in the name of a band you like and it immediately starts playing entire songs from said band, along with music from similar groups. For free! Can't beat that with a stick. Well, you could I guess, but there would be no advantage in it.

If they play a song you don't like, simply click the "thumbs down" button and they'll yank it and offer up another song for your approval. Eventually you'll have a channel that plays music tailored to your own eclectic personal tastes. I'd like to see you do that, Over-The-Air-Ad-Supported-Radio!

Once in a while when you give a song the thumbs down, a box will pop up that says, "Sorry. We didn't mean to play this. As soon as this song is over, we'll never play it again." Neurotic that I am, I always feel like apologizing to them and saying, "Hey, that's OK. I didn't mean it. Go ahead and play the Pina Coloda song if you want.

Honestly I don't understand how the creators of the site make any money. They do have the occasional commercial, but they're few and far between. Certainly not enough to seemingly keep such a venture afloat. Sometimes I have this uneasy feeling that a few months from now I'm going to get a bill for several thousand dollars for all the songs I've listened to on the site.

They have a huge catalog of music too, not just a list of well-known hits. I've got some pretty obscure tastes in music, and so far every song or band name I've typed in is on their list. It's pretty amazing.

I'm still trying to figure out all the rules of the site and hack them for my benefit. If you want to hear a specific song from a group, you type in the title and the site says, "OK, we'll play a list of songs similar to the one you want." Um, no, how about you play the one I just said? It's not a perfect arrangement, but then what is in this sorry world?

Pandora therefore receives my highest rating, which I'm sure will be cause for celebration at their headquarters. I highly recommend it. And if you've been using it for years, just pat me on the head and chuckle, "Aren't you the cutest little thing."

Alcafinale

FOX announced today that it's pulling the plug on Alcatraz. Crap in a hat! I discussed my feelings about the first season in an earlier post, so I won't dredge them up again. Let's just say I had high hopes for the show (since it was sort of a cousin of LOST) but was profoundly disappointed with how it played out.

I was hoping it would get renewed and, now that we'd been introduced to the show's universe, things would kick into high gear and the second season would see a large improvement. Alas, it's not to be. Now we'll never how things would have played out.

This in a nutshell is why I rarely if ever watch TV anymore. I'm always reluctant to get all invested in a new program only to have it yanked out from under me, leaving the storyline in limbo.

It happens to me over and over again. I'm convinced that there's a direct line between my TV set and the networks, manned by a large room full of lab-coated technicians who constantly monitor my viewing habits. Banks of computers with blinking lights and spinning tape spools tirelessly analyze what I'm watching. Hundreds of printouts and graphs provide up to the minute details on my TV preferences. The second it's determined that I'm regularly tuning in to a particular show, the lab becomes a hive of activity as the team springs into action. The lead technician barges into the network President's office, saying, "Sir, we've detected a pattern in the Canada household. Apparently he's tuned into Alcatraz every Monday for the past 13 weeks." "Damn," exclaims the President. "I had high hopes for that show, and the late season ratings were beginning to show improvement. Ah well. You know what has to be done. We don't have to like the law, but we do have to follow it. Pull the plug!" Laugh if you will, but I firmly believe this is true.

Now thanks to FOX I wasted 13 hours of my life on this ferkakta show, for nothing.

I'm pretty much done with network TV for good. I'll just stick with my DVDs of All In The Family and The Monkees, thank you very much. At least I know those shows won't be unexpectedly cancelled.

Brand New Sentence

The English language has been around for well over a thousand years. In that time there've been many sentences that have been spoken hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of times. Sentences like "It's not my fault," "Take out the garbage," "I ain't in the mood" and "Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow." It's a well worn language with few surprises left in it.

Every one in a while though, a sentence comes along that has never before been spoken in the entire history of the English language. A brand new pristine sentence. I believe I have discovered such a sentence.

This week scientists were studying the effects of probiotics in yogurt and found that eating it made mice slimmer and "sexier."

One scientist said of the sexy, swaggering mice in the study, “You know when someone’s at the top of their game, how they carry themselves differently? Well, imagine that in a mouse.”

We have a winner, folks! That right there is a brand new sentence, never before uttered in the existence of the English language.

April Journal Doodles

I have this journal (it's not a diary!) that contains calendar pages at the beginning of every month. I make my own calendars at home and have no need for the one in the journal, so I fill up each day's box with a doodle.

Enjoy these April doodles!

April around these parts was very different this year. Normally April in Evansville means 30 straight days of rain, resulting in rivers that spill out of their banks, swamp-like back yards and mosquitoes the size of carrier pigeons. This year we scarcely had any rain at all in April, to my surprise and general approval. Of course that just means May will likely be filled with goose-drowners and I'll end up rowing to work.

If I had to declare a theme for the April doodles, I'd probably have to say "eyes." Eyes and teeth. For some reason I always end up drawing lots of big and ridiculous looking eyes.

Famous Business Cards

One of my many fascinating hobbies is collecting old business cards. Here are just a few from the collection:

Here's a card from the McMann & Tate Advertising firm. For many decades they were the number one ad agency in New York; none of their other competitors could touch them. No one could ever figure out the secret to their success. In fact one of their rivals said their ability to win over important clients and come up with innovative campaigns was almost "like magic."

A rare matching sets of cards from a now defunct California bank. It's unusual to find two cards in such good shape from the same business. The Commerce Bank was a cornerstone of the California financial system for many decades. Then tragedy struck as their largest depositor pulled his assets from the bank sometime in the 1980s, sending the institution into a downward spiral from which it could not recover. Tragically the C.E.O. took his own life by leaping from the roof of the bank when the F.D.I.C. arrived to take control.

Here's the story of this classic card dating from the 1970s. Phillips & Associates was a small architectural firm that produced few noteworthy designs. Many of their critics denounced their concepts as "out of date" and "stuck in the past." They limped along for many years, barely managing to survive, until sometime in the early 2000s. Suddenly their retro designs were "in" again, and the public went wild for their work, generating their greatest successes to date.

R.I.P. Adam Yauch

Well this sucks: Adam Yauch (center above), better know as MCA of the Beastie Boys, died yesterday at the far too young age of 47. To say I'm shocked would be an understatement. Absolutely gobsmacked would be closer to the truth. I can say with all honesty I never thought I'd outlive any of the Beastie Boys.

I was sort of on the tail end of the Beasties' demographic when they came on the scene. I was in my late twenties and a little long in the tooth to be fighting for my right to party. Still, I enjoyed their blend of hip-hop and rap immensely, especially the Paul's Boutique and Ill Communication era.

Heck, I wanted to BE a Beastie Boy. Who wouldn't want to have fun hanging out with their best friends, being goofy and creating music all day long?

In their later years the Beastie Boys toned down their party boy antics and became activists and philanthropists. Yauch in particular seemed to embrace this new role, becoming a Buddhist and founding the The Milarepa Fund, which organized fundraisers for the Free Tibet Movement as well as a 9/11 benefit concert.

Yauch is survived by a wife and daughter.

Damn, what a year. First we lost Davy Jones of The Monkees, then Dick Clark, then Jonathan Frid, Barnabas Collins from the original Dark Shadows. My childhood icons are all dying off, and I don't think I like it.

I'm A Grown Man And I Bought This: Redakai Gold Bruticon And Metanoid

Redakai, as near as I can determine, is some sort of collectible card came (the kind that's the bane of every parent's pocketbook). The game is supported by an animated TV show and an action figure line. I know nothing about the card game and I rarely watch TV anymore so I can't vouch for the existence of the show. All I know from is action figures.

There are two differently scaled Redakai figure lines: a smaller 4" series (that I will cover at a later date) and a larger 8" to 10" line that I'm covering today. As far as I know the larger line consists of just two figures, Gold Bruticon and Gold Metanoid.

So far the only place I've seen these larger figures is at Target. They must have thought the line was going to be really popular because they ordered a metric sh*t ton of them. Sadly the figures sat undisturbed on the shelf for many months, which is really too bad, because they're quite cool.

Why the lack of consumer interest? Possibly because no one knows what the hell they are. Kids are like lemmings; they like to follow the herd. They want toys based on Pokemon and Star Wars and other recognizable properties. They don't want a room full of toys from some card game that Aunt Edna assumes is cool and that none of their friends play, lest they become the laughingstock of the playground.

Another likely reason these figures were shunned: the cost. Each of these figures were priced at a whopping $20 smackers. That's just way too much for an action figure, even one of this size. Target finally came to their senses and marked them down to a much more reasonable $4.78. There's no way in hell I would have ever paid $20 each for these figures, but $4.78 is a steal, so I bought them.

The figures are sculpted quite well, and are surprisingly articulated. The Metanoid figure looks somewhat like a robotic gorilla, what with his oversized arms and tiny legs. Unfortunately he's my least favorite of the two. The body looks OK, but there's something about its head that's very off-putting to me. I wish the head looked more like a gorilla's.

Note those large spikes on each shoulder. Bad design. The first time he raises his arm those two spikes are going to impale the sides of his head.

The Gold Bruticon figure is my favorite. I don't know what it is, but something about the design just speaks to me. I love this thing, and can't quit looking at it. Did that come out weird?

Maybe I like this figure so much because it looks like something I drew. Seriously, look at it-- that's my illustration style come to life. Especially that face. I know for a fact I've drawn eyes and ears exactly like that before.

The Bruticon figure comes with a removable chest plate. The plate covers a large oval screen in the middle of the figures chest. It's a bit of a struggle to get it snapped securely in place. If you end up buying this for a kid, the chest plate is one of those pieces that'll instantly get lost, until you step on it in the middle of the night when you get up to get a drink of water.

There's a button right under the screen that activates the light-up feature in the chest. The light is surprisingly bright, and displays a three frame animation of cartoony explosions. I've seen light up features in many other action figures before, but this is the first time I can remember seeing an animated one. It's pretty cool.

The Metanoid figure has the animated display in its chest as well.

I tried to get a good shot of the chest display, but try as I might I just couldn't. The photo above is the best I could do. My camera just isn't capable of picking out the details in the bright display. You'll have to take my word for it that it's there and it really is animated (and that I'm not imagining it).

The figure comes with several translucent lenticular cards. I assume these are part of the card game.

When you place one of the cards in a slot in the figure's back, you can change the animated display on the chest. Again, you'll just have to take my word for this, as I took several hundred photos of this feature in action, none of which came out.

A deal breaker at $20 but a steal at $4.78, I heartily recommend these two figures. For some reason the Metanoid seemed to outnumber the Bruticon figure 10 to 1 on the shelf. Figures that the coolest one was made in shorter numbers. If you hurry you should still be able to pick them up at your local Target.

Vote No One In 2012!

Well it's only May and we're already down to just two presidential candidates. To be perfectly honest, neither option looks very appealing to me.

On the one hand we've got the incumbent who has all the charisma of the average full blooded Vulcan. On the other side there's the improbably named Mitt Romney, who looks like he majored in Smug Bastardry in college. Both are about as appealing as a rectal exam.

No one can deny that the electoral system in this country is severely broken. The paltry few citizens who do vote do so on the pretense that their choice determines the winner, when in actuality it's decided by a Golbergian system of electoral votes, based on an arcane formula that only professors who wear tweed jackets with elbow patches and sit in stuffy offices full of moldy books understands.

Our votes don't count, folks. It's common knowledge (or would be if anyone paid attention to such things) that it's entirely possible for a candidate to win the so-called popular vote but still lose the election. That's the sort of thing that's supposed to happen in North Korea and Iran, not in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Maybe it's just as well the popular vote doesn't count. No one votes based on the candidate's platform anymore. Hell, most people couldn't list one item from either hopeful's list of dubious promises if their lives and the lives of their families and pets depended on it.

The sad fact is, candidates are nominated and/or elected based on how unusual their name is. If you sport an atypical name that can momentarily pierce the stupefying veil of dance shows and reality TV that occludes the mind of the average voter and lodges tentatively in their dim consciousness, then you're a shoe-in. Don't believe me? Messrs. Barack Hussein Obama, Willard Mitt Romney and Newton Leroy Gingrich would beg to differ.

That's why a guy like John Edwards never had a chance (even without the salacious affair). He might as well have been named Blandy Blandington.

And even if the public could pry their attention away from the antics of the Kardashians long enough to weigh the candidate's platforms, it wouldn't matter one whit, because they have no earthly intention of keeping any of the unlikely promises they've made. Heck, the candidates themselves probably don't know what they stand for. Their positions and stances and even the color of their ties are carefully calculated by teams of speechwriters, image consultants and wranglers.

Then of course there's the fact that whoever's elected spends approximately one, maybe one and a half years of his four year term actually governing. The rest of his term is spent campaigning for reelection. There will be no decisions of note made during that period, believe you me.

So at long last I come to the point of my rant:

Do we even need a president? 

Seriously. Can we just forget about electing one this year and go on with our daily lives as we try to stretch our meager paychecks and make ends meet? Think of the billions of dollars wasted on these ridiculous campaigns. Money that could be used to buy food, shelter and blankets with sleeves for the homeless. It makes me want to plotz.

I'd be very willing to give it a shot. And if it turns out that yes, we actually do need a president, then fair enough. We can start it all back up in 2016. I say we ought to try it.

The button, by the way, was drawn in InDesign.