Wednesday, May 23, 2012

What A Hoot!

In the news this week, British wildlife sanctuaries are being flooded with unwanted pet owls. It seems that at the height of Harry Potter mania, lots of people rushed out and bought freakin' owls for pets. Now that Potter's not "in" anymore, they've grown tired of their highly inappropriate house guests and are dumping them at sanctuaries or worse, opening the window and letting them "accidentally" fly off. Pet owls generally don't survive well in the wild, and those that do upset the local food chain. Ginger billionaire J.K. Rowling is even pleading with people to not flush their unwanted owls down the toilet, which is mighty big of her since she started the whole mess in the first place.

I won't ask what kind of an over indulgent ill-informed nimrod of a parent buys their precious entitled snowflake a wild and dangerous untamed bird of prey as a motherfrakin' pet, because the answer is obvious.

Instead, my question is: Where the hell do you even buy an owl in the first place?

I've been to plenty of pet shops in my day, and of course they all carried birds. Parakeets, budgies and even the occasional parrot. I can't ever remember browsing in the Owl Section though. Maybe they're not with the birds, maybe they're over between the Honey Badger Pit and Uncle Miltie's Scorpion Farm.

Is there some kind of Owl Store? Are there owl breeders who sell them to unsuspecting city folk? Or do you cover yourself in mice and sit in the woods until an owl swoops down and you catch it in a bag? Seriously, I wouldn't have any idea how to go about procuring an owl if my life depended on it.

Listen up, parents. You've got to learn to say no to your treasured little angels. They're going to end up hating you whether you clad them in the finest Oriental silks or keep them locked in a dank basement, so why go to the trouble of buying them a giant bird ill-suited for captivity that needs a huge amount of space and a special diet? Tell them they can get another body piercing or facial tattoo instead.

"Hey Daddy, I want an owl! I want you to get me an owl right away!"
"Alright, Veruca, alright. I'll get you one before the day's out."
"I want an owl NOW!"


  1. ...." Honey Badger Pit and Uncle Miltie's Scorpion Farm."
    I think you are trying to make me pee my pants!

  2. That's my job!

    Sure, owls look like fun in the Harry Potter movies. They bring you your mail every day and then sit quietly in their cages until they're needed again. The reality is a bit different. They're birds of prey-- they need a HUGE amount of space, they're ill-suited for captivity, and I'm not 100% sure, but I would bet they only eat live food. Meaning you're also going to have to raise mice to feed to your owl. Fun for the whole family!


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