Monday, May 22, 2023

Happy Sixth Anniversary To Universal Studios' Dark Universe Shared Cinematic Universe!

You remember Universal Studios' Dark Universe Shared Cinematic Universe, don't you? They announced it back in 2017, just a couple weeks before The Mummy premiered.

Universal had high hopes for this burgeoning new franchise, as they were confident it was gonna give the MCU a run for its money.

They even released this highly Photoshopped publicity shot of all the stars of the Universal Studios' Dark Universe Shared Cinematic Universe. Russell Crowe was to star as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and serve as sort of the Nick Fury of the franchise. Javier Bardem was most likely going to be Frankenstein's Monster. Tom Cruise was the new Action Hero Mummy. Johnny Depp was to be the Invisible Man. And Sofia Boutella was to be the new Scary Mummy (I guess?).

Remember all their thrilling adventures as they starred in their own individual movies, then teamed up for an epic crossover, ala The Avengers? Remember how awesome that wa... ohhhhhhhhhhh. Right. 

How embarrassing!

Of course to date, not a single one of the subsequent planned movies has been released. Supposedly 2020's The Invisible Man (the one starring Elizabeth Moss) was set in the Universal Studios' Dark Universe Shared Cinematic Universe, but since there's absolutely nothing whatsoever in the film to indicate this, I don't believe it.

There's a lesson here for other studios, even though they'll never learn from it. Something about chickens, eggs and hatching.

By the way, take a close look at that publicity photo. I absolutely GUARANTEE that none of those actors were in the same room at the same time. In addition to that, I'm betting Tom Cruise insisted he appear as tall as the other actors in the shot. As proof of this, note how he's standing behind Javier Bardem's chair, yet his right foot is somehow underneath it! And what's up with Russell Crowe's right hand? It looks for all the world like he's supposed to be holding a cane (as I think his character did). For some reason though, it was Photoshopped out, but they left his hand in the grasping position! Professional!

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

Ten Years After: Office Edition

 Believe it or not, it's been a whopping TEN YEARS since The Office wrapped up! The series finale aired on May 16th, 2013!

In honor of the anniversary, here's a repost of The Office spinoff series I came up with a while back. Enjoy!

The Office is ending this Thursday after nine seasons. 

As much as I love the show, I'm glad that it's ending. Personally I thought they should have stopped after Michael left at the end of Season 7. It seemed like the perfect point to go out on a high note, but then I'm not an NBC executive who needs popular shows on my schedule that generate ad revenue.

In fact I felt so strongly that the show should have ended with Michael's departure that I decided that in my mind that it did. I deliberately haven't watched any of the last two seasons. As far as I'm concerned there were seven seasons and that's it. Crazy? Of course, but hey, it's how I get through the day.

The absence of The Office is going to leave a smoldering, gaping hole in NBC's schedule. They already tried a Dwight-centric Shrute Farms spinoff that unfortunately went nowhere. Too bad. I've taken it upon myself though to pitch spinoffs for the rest of the cast. You're welcome, NBC.

Stanley's Dozen
Everyone's favorite Office curmudgeon finally gets his own series! 

On the day of Stanley Hudson's long-awaited retirement from Dunder Mifflin he receives a shocking telegram: his estranged and unmarried sister has unexpectedly died, leaving custody of her thirteen children to him. After unsuccessfully trying to fight the custody decree Stanley has no choice but to move to Chicago and take over his sister's household.

Watch the hilarity as Stanley unwillingly becomes father to thirteen unruly children ranging in age from 16 to 2 years of age. See his ordered life get turned upside down as he has to deal with surly teens, missed curfews, incessant texting, loud music and even changing diapers!

Who knows, if Stanley's not careful, the kids may even teach him a thing or two!

Stanley's Dozen airs Mondays at 8:30 pm Central.

Scranton Abbey
In this uproarious fish-out-of-water comedy, Meredith Palmer, Dunder Mifflin's resident alcoholic floozy, discovers that she's actually descended from British nobility. 

When the childless Earl of Scranton dies, his surviving relatives scramble to locate the nearest heir apparent, who turns out to be Meredith! Upon hearing the news she immediately quits her job, packs her bags and heads across the pond to claim her birthright as the new Countess of Scranton! 

Watch Meredith tangle with her snooty newfound relatives along with the servants of the household as they try to educate her in the ways of privileged society. Can England survive her lower class American ways? It's Yankee vs the Nobility in this laugh-a-minute comedy!

Scranton Abbey airs Thursdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Mr. & Mrs. Halpert 
By day Jim and Pam work side by side at their mundane office jobs at Dunder Mifflin, but at night the shocking truth is revealed: They're both sophisticated international spies who secretly work for rival agencies!

Can Jim and Pam successfully juggle their dual lives? Can they deal with downsizing, parenthood and daycare while stealing government secrets and plotting assassinations? And can they do it all without accidentally killing one another?

The laughs are anything but "top secret" in this fast-paced comedy!

Mr. & Mrs. Halpert airs Thursdays at 9:00 pm Central.

Quantum Creed
An action-packed sci-fi adventure series! When Dunder Mifflin's Quality Control Officer Creed Bratton ingests a special "herbal" concoction of his own making, he blacks out and wakes up in the 1940s. Initially convinced it's just a bad trip, he soon finds out that the situation is all too real. He quickly discovers he can now move backward and forward through his own time line.

Creed then travels throughout the past six decades, determined to change the past in order to make a better future for himself, and maybe for the world if there's time. Watch as he helps public figures and private citizens alike make the right decisions at crucial moments in history!

But Creed must be careful in his temporal travels, as he's inadvertently drawn the attention of a mysterious Dark Man, who relentlessly pursues him through time.

Who is this Dark Man? Is he a Time Cop determined to preserve history? An extraterrestrial bent on the destruction of Earth? Or an alternate version of Creed himself, trying to preserve his own existence? Watch as we drag out the thrilling answer over seven seasons (God willing).

Quantum Creed airs Fridays at 9:00 pm Central.

Hey Dean!
Andy Bernard gets the chance of a lifetime when he's offered a job as dean of what he assumes is an Ivy League college. He immediately leaves his job as manager of Dunder Mifflin and accepts the new position, only to find that instead of being the head of a prestigious university, he's now the dean of a small community college.

Watch the hilarity as smug Cornell alumni Andy swallows his pride and deals with the day to day running of a small and struggling school on the verge of collapse. Can he turn the school around while preserving his dignity? 

With a supporting cast of wacky teachers and quirky students, you'll give it an "A" for Amusing. It's academic!

Hey Dean! airs Thursdays at 8:30 pm Central, right after Scranton Abbey.

The Kapoors
A hilarious supernatural comedy series in the tradition of Bewitched and I Dream Of Jeannie

Poor Kelly Kapoor has tried everything to get her irresponsible boyfriend Ryan Howard to marry her, much to the dismay of her traditional Indian parents. Frustrated, Mr. and Mrs. Kapoor pray to Shiva in the hope that he will compel Ryan to finally marry their daughter and ease their family's shame. 

Shiva answers their prayers by placing a special curse on Ryan. Now whenever he mistreats Kelly in any way, he is swiftly and comically punished by the deity: losing his voice when he lies, shrinking to the size of a child when he comes home late, or having his entrails consumed by jackals when he thinks impure thoughts about other women.

How long will Ryan be able to endure Shiva's cosmic punishment until he gives in and marries Kelly?

Ryan's bad karma makes for good comedy!

The Kapoors airs Wednesdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Hail To The Chief
A irreverent and wacky political comedy that'll get your vote... for LAUGHS!

Kevin Malone leaves the comfort of Dunder Mifflin and moves to Washington D.C., where he becomes assistant to the President's Press Secretary. Through a series of unlikely bureaucratic mix-ups, the chain of command passes to Kevin and he becomes the President of the United States. 

In his first official act, President Malone appoints former co-worker Oscar Martinez as his Vice President. Watch as the two of them attempt to solve the country's problems without starting World War III. 

With a supporting cast of quirky advisors and international leaders, you won't veto the laughs! Politics was never like this! 

Hail To The Chief airs Wednesdays at 8:30 pm Central, right after The Kapoors.

Angela's Feline Follies
An edgy new animated cartoon in the tradition of The Simpsons and The Family Guy

Angela Martin shares her cozy, tastefully decorated home with a group of zany talking cats– who let her think she's in charge! Watch the fur fly as her ungrateful house guests comment on everything from her choice of cat food to her fashion sense, and even her taste in men!

The feline cast includes Mr. Wiffles, the lazy, overweight leader of the group who'll do anything to avoid exertion of any kind. Tabathina is the haughty female cat who's quick to criticize Angela's every move. Sprinkles II is the youngest of the group, an adorable kitten who thinks nothing of selling out his friends to curry Angela's favor. 

It's the purr-fect formula for comedy!

Angela's Feline Follies airs Sundays at 8:00 pm Central.

The Devil Wears Lane Bryant
Get ready for big laughs in this fashionable new sitcom!

The always stylish Phyllis Vance decides the time is right to leave her sales position at Dunder Mifflin and realize her life's ambition: starting her own Scranton-based fashion magazine for plus-sized women!

Everything goes smoothly until her husband, Bob Vance, insists she give his thin, chic niece a job at the magazine as her protégé. Watch as her New York style clashes with Phyllis' matronly fashion sense. The claws'll come out on the catwalk each week!

Featuring an offbeat supporting cast of models, photographers and stylists. Laughter is "in" this season!

The Devil Wears Lane Bryant airs Thursdays at 8:30 pm Central.

My Three Moms 
When Dunder Mifflin receptionist Erin Hannon receives a piece of junk mail mistakenly addressed to a "Mrs. Hannon," she takes it as a sign that her real mother is still alive and that she's not an orphan after all. 

She then leaves Scranton and heads west to San Francisco (the return address on the junk mail). She rents a room in a boarding house and discovers that the other three tenants are all women in their forties. 

Erin becomes convinced that one of her fellow boarders is her real mother. But which of the three, if any, could it be? There'll be lots of red herrings, false leads and season-ending cliffhangers before we finally tell you!

My Three Moms airs Tuesdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Flenderson P.I.
Dunder Mifflin's Human Resource Representative gets his own series in this "arresting" action/comedy. 

Bored with his pedestrian life, Toby Flenderson packs his bags and heads south to The Magic City, otherwise known as Miami. He then sets up shop as a private investigator, probing the seamy underbelly of the city's neon-soaked streets.

You'll fall in love with Toby's hilarious cast of drug lords, hookers, pimps and informants! It's elementary!

Flenderson P.I. airs Sundays at 9:00 pm Central.

An exciting sci-fi action/mystery series. One fateful day Gabe Lewis wakes up to find his life is torn asunder. By day he manages a failing mid-level paper company, but when he goes to sleep he becomes a rogue samurai wandering the dangerous landscape of a post apocalyptic America. 

But which life is real, and which is the illusion? Both? Or neither one?

Join Gabe as he splits his time between solving trivial employee disputes and saving villagers from lawless gangs of cannibalistic psychopaths, armed only with his wits and his trusty katana blade.

Tune in each week as we pile on the mysteries and questions without ever bothering to answer anything. You'll swear we're making it up as we go along!

Displaced airs Saturdays at 9:00 pm Central.

So there you go, NBC. There's your new fall lineup. You can pay me through PayPal.
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