Sunday, September 18, 2016

Dino-Sore Redux

Dear Science:

Please stop ruining dinosaurs.


The World

When I was a kid, I loved, loved, loved dinosaurs. I couldn't get enough of them. I had a Big Book Of Dinosaurs that I read until it fell apart. I had dinosaur toys, and I would eagerly watch any movie that starred a stop-motion dinosaur. Did I mention I loved dinosaurs?

And why shouldn't I have loved them? The dinosaurs of my childhood were enormous, extremely powerful and amazingly impressive. What kid wouldn't be enraptured by the idea that literal monsters once roamed the Earth?

But that was then. In the past decade or two, things have changed drastically, and not for the better. Science has apparently decided that the dinosaurs of my youth were a little too exciting, and have done their best to water them down, lest the pasty-skinned, asthmatic children of today become overstimulated and curl up into a ball.

First Science decided that many of them were covered in feathers, like gigantic, garish chickens. Who the hell wants to see a dinosaur that looks like it's wearing a feather boa? Then they told us that the Brontosaurus, the most recognized dinosaur of all, never existed. Then they changed their minds and said it did. They even declared that the most fearsome dino that ever existed the T-Rex— was probably a vegetarian rather than a meat eater.

Case in point scientists recently discovered a spectacularly preserved fossil of Psittacosaurus in China. In addition to the usual bones, this fossil included actual soft tissue remains, allowing scientists to accurately determine the dinosaur's skin texture and even its coloration!

Armed with this knowledge, Science then rolled up its collective sleeves and went to work to bring us the most precise recreation of a dinosaur in modern history.

And here it is the world's first  completely accurate model of a Psittacosaurus.

(sound of chirping crickets)

Jesus Christ, are you frakin' kidding me? The awesome and ferocious dinosaurs I loved as a kid have now been replaced by a bald, four legged parrot the size of the average dog, complete with a plume of foot-long ass hair.

Just look at that sorry thing! That's gotta be the most pathetic looking excuse for a dinosaur I've ever seen. That's not a "terrible lizard!" It's downright cuddly. That's a face that's built to say, "Let's be friends!" or "The most important thing is always being yourself!"

This is a creature that belongs on Barney & Friends! Hell, this thing makes Barney look like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park!

What kid in their right mind would possibly be excited by a dinosaur that looks for all the world like Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell?

For the record, this is what Psittacosaurus used to look like, before Science decided to ruin it for everyone. It used to have a cool, spiky, dangerous face. Yeah, it still had the overgrown forest of ass hair, but you could excuse that due to the awesome face. Now, thanks to Science, it's become a Muppet.

Thanks a lot, Science. Why don't you go ruin astronomy or meteorology or something, and leave dinosaurs alone.

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