Longtime readers of my blog know that I hate these forced breaks with the white hot passion of a thousand exploding suns. These lengthy interruptions make it difficult for a series to build up any story momentum, as the audience forgets what the hell was happening. I can't imagine the breaks do the ratings any good either, as many viewers will find something else to watch or to do with their time, and may not return when the show finally returns.
But I digress.
Sadly, Legends chose to return from their exile with a middling, cost-saving "bottle episode." that's long on talk and short on superhero action. Lucha de Apuestas isn't Season 1 bad, but it's definitely not some of their best work, and an unfortunate note on which to return.
You'd think that Mexican luchadores (whose movies featured them battling vampires, mummies and other monsters) would fit in perfectly on a show like this. And episode in which the Legends teamed up with a masked wrestler to hunt down monsters would have been the most joyously bonkers thing ever.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case, as the writers squandered the genre, covering just the wrestling aspect of the genre and ignoring the supernatural angle altogether. This made for a decidedly meh episode.
After just a few appearances, Mona's front and center this week, as the entire episode revolves around her. I don't mind Mona as a character, as she's cute and quirky and fits in nicely with the rest of the cast. That said, I have ZERO interest in her romance subplot with Konane the Kuape. Based on the events of this episode, I'm hoping we've seen the last of this storyline and won't have to suffer through it any more.
Also this week, we get a B-plot in which Canary and Sharpe's relationship is tested, and they decide to call it quits. This could have been a compelling little story arc, save for the fact that it comes completely out of the blue, with absolutely no setup, and even less justification.
This is a huge problem for the series. Legends Of Tomorrow's famous for its insane and implausible plots, that often feel like they're made up as they go along. As such, the show relies extremely heavily on character development to make up for what it lacks in logic. If they throw consistent characterization out the window too, then... there's nothing left.
To make things even worse, it's patently obvious that the breakup plot exists solely because things need to happen on a show, and this is the only thing the writers could come up with this week. Now we've got an artificially-induced breakup, so we can have an even less convincing reconciliation at the end of the season.
SPOILERS!
The Plot:
White Canary and Director Sharpe bring Mike The Spike (who's inhabiting the puppet of Professor Stein) to the Time Bureau Magical Creature Lockup. Gary Green approaches, and explains that Konane the Kuape escaped his cage. Hank Heywood tells Sharpe that Mona, the Bureau's monster caretaker, deliberately let the Kaupe escape. He tells her to get the monster back, or she's fired. Director Ava Sharpe orders her people to find Konane, but Canary assures her she's on the case. Sharpe tells Gary she has a job for him.
Mona wakes in the hospital after being accidentally slashed in the gut by Konane in the previous episode. Gary peeks in and says she let down the Bureau by releasing the Kuape. She tries to tell him group of Men In Black broke in and took the creature. He says they have security footage of her unlocking the Kuape's cell, and tells her she's fired.
Gary tries to erase her memory with his mind-wiper, but Mona grabs it and accidentally zaps him three times with it. She then takes his jacket and time courier, and tells him to take her place in bed.
Despite Mona's grievous belly wound, she's able to walk and even run with no apparent pain. She exits the hospital and spots Konane hiding behind a dumpster. I guess he followed her there? Who knows. Anyway, she runs over to him and tells him it wasn't his fault he slashed her. Just then an SUV pulls up, and Mona thinks it's more Men In Black. She opens a time portal, shoves Konane through and closes it. She smashes the time courier so no one can follow him.
Turns out it was Canary, Atom and Heat Wave in the SUV. Mona tells them they can't track Konane, and Heat Wave shoots her in cold blood (!). Fortunately he was carrying a tranq gun at the time instead of a real one.
On the Waverider, Zari says she can't trace where the courier sent Konane. Mona wakes and tries to convince them that the Kuape isn't a monster, and that Men In Black are infiltrating the Time Bureau and stealing magical creatures for nefarious purpose and altering the security tapes.
Canary thinks Mona's crazy, but Zari says it's worth checking out. Canary tells her to go for it and investigate the Time Bureau. Gideon reports a time disturbance in 1961 Mexico City, in which a drug kingpin was found murdered by a wild animal. Canary believes that's where Konane ended up, so she takes the rest of the crew to Meh-hee-co.
In 1961, the Legends track a magical signature to a local luchador wresting ring. There they see the main event is El Lobo, a suspiciously werewolf-like masked wrestler. The Legends figure he has to be Konane, who somehow became a famous and successful luchador.
John Constantine seeks out the bar of course, where he spots a masked wrestler named "El Cura." Turns out Constantine's a big fan of luchadors, and recognizes El Curo as a huge celebrity and movie star. Unfortunately El Lobo's appearance has changed history and prevented El Cura from ever becoming a celebrity. El Cura tells Constantine that El Lobo doesn't play by the rules of wrestling (i.e. following the script), so it's impossible to beat him. Constantine tells El Cura he needs to stop sulking and return to the ring.
The match begins, and El Lobo easily takes down his opponent as Mona and Heat Wave watch in the audience. The crowd goes wild, and Mona realizes that Konane's happy here, since as a demigod he just wants to be worshiped. Heat Wave says that's tough cookies, as the first chance they get they're capturing him and sending him back to the Time Bureau. Mona's troubled by this, as she thought they were trying to save him.
Suddenly El Cura enters the ring, and challenges El Lobo to "Lucha Del Apuestar"— a match in which the loser has to remove his mask in disgrace and never enter the ring again. El Lobo accepts, and the crowd goes nuts again. The announcer says the match will take place the following night. As the audience files out, Mona heads for El Lobo/Konane, but is knocked down by the crowd. Konane sees her, picks her up and carries her off.
In the present, Hank & his wife Dorothy are attending a hemophilia fundraiser. Hank calls Steel and tells him he'd better wrap up the Kuape case stat. Steel assures him he's on it, as he sees Zari sneaking through the Time Bureau. He confronts her, and she tells him she's looking for proof that the security footage was altered. After some digging she says it was changed from Hank's phone. Steel says there must be a logical reason for Hank's actions. Zari says the original footage can only be restored by Hank's phone (?). Steel says he has an extra ticket to the big fundraiser, and they can yoink Hank's phone away from him there and check it out. Zari agrees, as long as she doesn't have to pretend to be Steel's date.
Konane brings Mona to his home, which is just a clearing in the woods (?). He places a flowered headdress on her, and she realizes he misses ancient Hawaii. Suddenly Konane gets spooked and runs off. Canary, Constantine and Heat Wave arrive, having tracked the Kuape somehow. Mona tries to tell them he won't hurt anyone, but just then Konane emerges from the brush and attacks. Heat Wave shoots him with a tranq dart.
Back on the Waverider, Zari tells Canary that Hank altered the security footage, meaning Mona was telling the truth about the Men In Black. Canary wonders if Sharpe's involved with the coverup. Zari says if she isn't, she could be in danger.
Canary heads to the lab, where Konane's being imprisoned. Mona suggests the Legends take him back to ancient Hawaii, so he can return to his life there as a demigod. Canary says it's not that simple (?). Just then Sharpe appears via hologram, and tells Canary that Mona wiped Gary's memory and is helping Konane. She then sees the two fugitives chilling on the Waverider, and says she can't believe Canary captured them but didn't tell her. Sharpe orders an extraction team to pick them up, but Canary masks their location. She tells Sharpe she can't explain right now, and "hangs up" on her. She tells Mona she'd better be right about this.
Canary puts on a fancy red dress, intending to go to Hank's charity ball to explain her actions to Sharpe in person. She leaves Atom in charge of the Waverider, but orders him to lay low and forbids any time travel.
Once Canary leaves, Gideon reports a disturbance in the timeline. After El Lobo disappeared, it seems the public suspected government censorship (???) and deadly riots ensued. Atom says they'll just have to wait and deal with the situation after Canary returns. Constantine and Charlie talk him into going back to 1961 Mexico and sorting out the problem.
Steel and Zari attend the fundraiser. Steel's mom Dorothy approaches, assuming Zari's his new girlfriend. She notes Zari's "good child-bearing hips," and says she can't wait for grandchildren (!). Canary arrives as well, and Sharpe demands she hand over the Kuape. Canary says Mona's story is true, and the security footage really was altered. Sharpe doesn't believe it, and says they have no more to say to one another.
Back in Mexico, the out of shape El Cura stretches in the ring. Constantine and Mona enter with Konane (?). When El Cura asks what El Lobo's doing there, Constantine says they're helping him get back into shape. Konane's promised to lose, so El Cura can regain his title and restore history. Unfortunately it doesn't go well, as even when El Lobo's trying to lose, he's still better than the bloated El Cura. Mona explains to Konane that he has to lose so they can go back to Hawaii together.
At the fundraiser, Sharpe tells Canary she knows the Kuape is in 1961 Mexico, and she's heading there to recover him. The demon Neron, still disguised as Dez, overhears. Is he secretly fueling Canary and Sharpe's antagonism? Hank wins the fundraiser award, and while he's distracted Zari pickpockets his phone. As Hank gives his acceptance speech, Zari hacks his phone, and sees that the Men In Black really did abduct Konane. Steel stares grimly at his dad.
Canary returns to the Waverider and finds it empty. She contacts Atom, who tells her they're in 1961 trying to restore history and to trust them. Canary contacts Sharpe and tries to get her to hold off on her extraction team. She refuses.
In Mexico, the big match between El Lobo and El Cura begins. Unfortunately El Lobo makes quick work of El Cura. Constantine tells El Cura to shake it off and reclaim his honor. He gets up and actually manages to knock down El Lobo. Just then the Time Bureau extraction team arrives, and orders the crowd to evacuate. Canary contacts the Legends and gives them permission to fight back.
Constantine, Atom and Heat Wave then battle the Time Agents, as Charlie grabs the mic and tells the crowd that the government is trying to censor them, and El Cura and El Lobo are both fighting for the people. Just then an Agent knocks out El Cura and fights El Lobo. Somehow he manages to knock down El Lobo, and aims his gun at him.
Suddenly El Cura comes to and performs his finishing move on the Agent, knocking him out. El Cura then offers his hand to El Lobo, and the two shake. The crowd goes nuts, and Constantine says Mexican history's been restored. Sharpe contacts Canary and instead of congratulating her for saving the timeline, she berates her, saying once again the Legends have disobeyed orders.
Hank returns to the Time Bureau, where Steel tells him he knows all about the altered security footage. Hank says he did it for a reason, and Steel says he understands, but asks to be kept informed from now on. Hank says he'll make everything clear in due time. After Hank leaves, Steel tells Zari to keep digging into Hank's phone and let him know what she finds out.
Canary visits Sharpe, and tries to tell her that Hank's perverting the Time Bureau and torturing magical creatures. Sharpe says she doesn't care, saying her only concern is to protect humanity. She tells Canary they're done, and the two officially break up so they can get back together in the season finale.
At Konane's camp, Heat Wave tells Mona that she doesn't belong in the Kuape's world, as there's no such thing as happily ever after. Sadly, she realizes he's right. Mona opens a time portal to ancient Hawaii, and tells Konane that she can't go with him. Suddenly a shot rings out, and Konane slumps over dead (!). A Time Agent appears out of the brush, and tells Mona to step away from the creature.
She roars with rage at the Agent, and transforms into a Kuape! Apparently her belly wound turned her into one as well? She attacks the hapless Agent and kills him. Heat Wave returns to the camp and sees a now-normal Mona cradling Konane's lifeless body. She says Heat Wave was right, and there's no such thing as happily ever after.
Thoughts:
• In case you're wondering about that title, "Lucha de Apuestas" literal translation is "Betting Fight." In Mexican wresting, it was common for one luchador to challenge another to a grudge match, with the loser having to give up their mask.
• Even though this episode took place in various locations, it feels like a money-saving "bottle show." There're are very few special effects, outside of a couple of time portal shots and some wirework in a couple of fight scenes.
Need more proof? How about the fact that at no time during the entire episode do any of the Legends use their powers. In fact it'd be easy to forget that the team's allegedly made up of superheroes!
I can't help but wonder if the bulk of the show's budget is going toward the massive cast, which leaves little left over for special effects.
At the beginning of this episode, we see Canary and Sharpe bringing Mike to the Bureau. FOUR MONTHS LATER from our point of view of course, but who's counting?
Mike is voiced by actor Paul Reubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman. It certainly sounds like his voice again this week. I wonder if they really brought in Reubens for a three second vocal cameo for this episode? Most likely his one line in this episode was recorded in his initial appearance. Heck, it might have even been an unused outtake from the initial recording session!
• Giving characters the ability to time travel is like letting a genie out of a bottle. Once they have that power, there's very little they can't do. This invariably makes it nearly impossible to come up with situations that can't easily be solved with time travel. Like in this episode.
Hank orders Sharpe to recover the Kuape or else. Sharpe then starts barking out orders to her team, telling them to monitor calls to animal control and to scan all CCTV footage in the city.
Orrrrrrrrr... since Sharpe works for the Time Bureau and all, maybe she could order them to travel back to before Mona allegedly let the Kaupe loose and prevent her from doing so. Of course if they did that the episode would be thirty seconds long, so...
• At the end of Hell No, Dolly!, Konane accidentally slashed open Mona's belly before running off. She collapsed to her knees, trying to hold her guts in.
This week she wakes in the hospital, in surprisingly good shape. She grimaces a bit as she sits up, then actually takes off running as she escapes the hospital (!). That was a quick recovery!
Since we find out that the scratch has turned her into a were-Kuape, maybe she now has a Wolverine-like speed-healing ability?
• Gary fires Mona and tries to wipe her memory. She grabs his mind-eraser, and flashes him with it (THREE TIMES!), wiping out a good portion of his memory.
OK, so far we have the Time Bureau, which is a secret government agency that hunts down supernatural creatures. The Bureau's agents are equipped with a fdevice that erases a subject's memory with a flash of light. And the agents that are literally described as Men In Black.
How the hell is the show not getting sued by Sony and the makers of the Men In Black films? The only thing missing is the transforming car and the Noisy Cricket gun!
Holy Sh*t! That means Heat Wave just straight up attempted to murder Mona, without so much as a second thought! Jesus Christ! And here I thought he'd mellowed since he first joined the team.
• After the Legends capture her, Mona tells them about the Men In Black, but of course they don't believe her. Again, why not use time travel to check out her story?
El Cura's no doubt an analogue of El Santo, the most famous luchador in the history of Mexican wrestling. El Santo became something of a folk hero, and a symbol of justice for the common man, in a career that spanned nearly five decades.
El Santo was so popular that his comic book was published continuously for thirty five years (!). He made his film debut in 1961's Santo Contra Cerebro Del Mal (Santo Vs. The Evil Brain), and went on to star in a whopping fifty one other films.
The movies all followed the same basic formula, in which Santo would face off against various supernatural creatures, evil scientists or secret agents. His most famous movie was probably Santo Vs. The Vampire Women (which was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000).
El Santo famously never removed his mask, even in private company. He famously removed it in 1984 on the Mexican talk show Contrapunto, and the event became front page news. Sadly, he died just ten days later.
• Superhero Landing!©
• During the episode, Steel's parents Hank and Dot are organizing a fundraiser for the American Hemophilia Foundation. A couple things here:
The subject of their fundraiser hits close to home for them. Back when their son Nate Heywood (aka Steel) first appeared, we found out that suffered from hemophilia. As a result of this, Hank and Dot sheltered him his entire life, terrified he'd injure himself and die.
Back in the Season 2 episode The Justice Society Of America, Nate was wounded on a mission with the Legends and was in serious danger of bleeding to death. In order to save his life, Atom injected him with a modified serum derived from a biomolecular enhancer invented by Eobard Thawne. The serum saved him, but also gave him the ability to transform his body into living Steel.
Anyway, the fact that his parents are throwing a fundraiser for hemophilia research is a nice little callback, and one most viewers probably forgot about. Kudos, writers!
On the other hand... I dunno, it seems a bit sketchy that Hank organizes the fundraiser, yet is also the recipient of the Foundation's "Altruistic Angel Award." I guess there's nothing illegal about being rewarded for charity work, but it does seem a big vainglorious.
• Zari hacks the Time Bureau's access logs, and determines that the security footage was altered from a mobile phone. She then says, "All I have to do now is figure out who that phone number belongs to."
Wait, THAT'S the hard part for her? Jesus Christ, I could find out who owns a phone number right here at my desk in just a few seconds!
Steel says tells Zari not to bother figuring out who owns the number, as he recognizes it as Hank's. In case you're wondering, 202 is indeed the area code for Washington, DC. Also, if you google Hank's number it takes you to fakenumber.org! Apparently that's a site that provides, well, fake phone numbers for use in movies and TV shows.
• When the Legends capture Konane, Mona asks why they don't just send him back to ancient Hawaii where he's belongs. Canary says it's not that simple. Mona asks why, but Canary's interrupted before she can answer.
I'm with Mona. Why not take him back where he's from? They already know the Bureau wants him for some nefarious purpose, so taking him back there's no good. He's too dangerous to stay in the present, and the Legends have sworn off sending magical creatures to Hell at this point. So why not send him to Ancient Hawaii? Seems like the best possible solution to me.
• Atom creates a petition to become "Interim Captain Of The Waverider" in Canary's absence, and presents it to her.
Note that Atom actually signed his own petition, and has a particularly stylish signature. It looks like Heat Wave struggled to scrawl out a message that's been partially and hastily crossed out. No doubt it said, "Go For It, Haircut."
For some reason Charlie simply wrote "Rock On." Constantine seems to have the neatest penmanship of the bunch.
• In order to occupy Constantine and Charlie while everyone else is off on a mission, Atom pulls out the new game he made in his spare time— Cards To Save The Timeline.
Obviously this is a riff on popular party game Cards Against Humanity, right down to the look of the cards.
Note that the middle card mentions John Noble and his coffee. That's obviously a reference to the Season 3 episode Guest Starring John Noble, which... well, guest starred John Noble as himself, inadvertently imitating Mallus.
The cards feature artwork of various Legends characters, including Damien Dahrk. So I guess Atom's secretly quite a good artist, in addition to his other talents?
Actually the art's by Ellen Haessiakah, and you can see the full set (along with other work) over on her Instagram page.
C'mon, The CW, and turn this into a real piece of merch! Along with plush Beebo dolls. You'll sell a million of 'em!
Runner up: Dot assuming Zari is Steel's date, and commenting on he "excellent child-bearing hips!"
• Neron shows up for literally two seconds (in the form of Dez) to remind everyone he's apparently the Big Bad of the second half of the season. Which is probably a good idea, what with the four month gap and all.
I'm assuming he's using his powers to negatively influence Sharpe's mind, and drive a wedge between her and Canary. He'd better be the one causing Sharpe's illogical, irrational and downright bizarre behavior in this episode— because if not, she'd better have herself checked for early onset dementia.
This whole breakup storyline falls flat on its face, because it's completely out of character for Sharpe. The episode tries to justify the breakup by presenting Sharpe as a by-the-book kind of gal who always follows the rules, and she can't get past the fact that Canary is the exact opposite.
But when Hank secretly subverts her authority and perverts the mission of the Time Bureau, she's strangely OK with it— even going so far as to agree with him! Sharpe tries to condone his behavior by saying she doesn't want to rock the boat, else Hank could shut down the entire bureau.
Sorry, but that's completely out of character for her. As I said above, this entire breakup subplot exists just so the two of them can get back together in the season finale.
• Mona's a big fan of Uncaged Desire, the sci-fi romance novel written by Rebecca Silver, aka Mick Rory, aka Heat Wave.
This whole breakup storyline falls flat on its face, because it's completely out of character for Sharpe. The episode tries to justify the breakup by presenting Sharpe as a by-the-book kind of gal who always follows the rules, and she can't get past the fact that Canary is the exact opposite.
But when Hank secretly subverts her authority and perverts the mission of the Time Bureau, she's strangely OK with it— even going so far as to agree with him! Sharpe tries to condone his behavior by saying she doesn't want to rock the boat, else Hank could shut down the entire bureau.
Sorry, but that's completely out of character for her. As I said above, this entire breakup subplot exists just so the two of them can get back together in the season finale.
• Mona's a big fan of Uncaged Desire, the sci-fi romance novel written by Rebecca Silver, aka Mick Rory, aka Heat Wave.
• Wow, would you look at that! Steel's UPLOADING the data from Hank's phone to the cloud, while Zari DOWNLOADS it to her tablet. Exactly as it should be! You'd be amazed at how often movies and TV shows mix up these two terms. Good job, Legends Of Tomorrow!
• So after being clawed in the gut by Konane, Mona discovers she's now able to transform into a Kuape. I guess a Kuape's like a werewolf then. and a bite or scratch from one enables a victim to become one as well? I feel like this info was pulled straight from the writers' collective asses at the last second, but whatever.
Mona appears to be a were-Kuape, as she's able to transform in times of great distress. Does that mean Konane was able to transform as well? If so, why didn't we ever see him do so?
• Obviously that's not actress Ramona Young as the were-Kuape, since it's at least twice the size of Mona. It almost looks like Garima's face underneath those prosthetics! If it is her though, there's no mention of Vesna Ennis in the credits.
• This Week's Best Lines:
Gary: "Oh, thank God you're back."• This Week's Best Lines:
Sharpe: "What is going on?"
Gary: "Long story, lots of twists and turns. Some dramatic irony."
Canary: "Cliff notes, Gary!"
Gary: "The Kaupe is out."
(Sharpe's brings in Mike The Spike, who's currently possessing the Professor Stein puppet.)Sharpe: "Gary, take him down to lockup."
Gary: "Aw, what an adorable little puppet."
Mike The Spike: "Eat my fuzzy dung, you dick!"
(Gary fires Mona, and attempts to erase her mind with a Time Bureau gizmo.)
Gary: "And I know it hurts now, but in a few seconds, - you won't remember a thing."
Mona: "Don't you dare. I need my mind!"
(Constantine meets El Cura, one of his idols.)
Constantine: "You know, I loved your monster movies, mate. Whoever wrote those gems had a better handle on magic than any of those toss-bots up in Hollywood.
Constantine: (to El Cura) "What what what's all this? You're the warrior of piety and goodness. You don't drink Not that I'm one to judge."
(Ooooh, he came THIS close to saying, "Ere now, wot's all this then?")
(Dot grabs Hank's phone and invites her son Steel to the big hemophilia fundraiser.)
Steel: "I have a work emergency."
Dot: "Work can wait. Right, Hank?"
Hank: "No."
Dot: "Yeah, your father's nodding."
Steel: "What are you doing here?"
Zari: "I was digging. Mona claims the footage you saw earlier was doctored, that there's a cover-up around the creature's escape."
Steel: "And you believe this tiny cuckoo?"
(After being mind-wiped, Gary somehow makes it back to the Time Bureau, wearing nothing but a hospital gown.)
Sharpe: "Gary! Close that hospital gown, or I will report you to HR! Where the hell have you been all day?"
Gary: "I don't know who I am. I don't know why anything is things. I don't know where my nipple went. Where's my nipple? WHERE'S MY NIPPLE!?!?!?"
(Atom shows his Cards To Save The Timeline to Constantine and Charlie, who leaf throughy them.)
Charlie: "Oh, you've got to be joking. 'Vandal Savage.' That's a real name?"
Constantine: "And here's me, thinking that Damien Darhk's moniker was a touch on the nose."
(Constantine and Charlie talk Atom into time traveling to 1961 to restore Mexican history. He let's loose with a less-than-impressive variation on the famous "Let's Get Ready To Rummmmmmble!" announcement.)
Atom: "Ah, let's prepare ourselves to wrestle!"
Dot: "Nathaniel, darling."
Steel: "Hello."
Dot: "Ohho-ho."
(She notices Zari.)
Dot: "What... is this your new girlfriend?"
Steel: "Um, yeah."
Zari: "Mm-hmm."
Steel: "This is Zari."
Dot: "Zari. What a beautiful name for a beautiful woman, with excellent child-bearing hips.
Not to put a clock on it or anything, but mmm, grandchildren would be so lovely..
Steel: "Mm-hmm."
Dot: "Anyhoo, I'd better go make sure everything's good with your father's speech."
(She leaves.)
Steel: "Oh, my God. That went well. Are you... are you blushing right now?"
Zari: "No. Shut up."
Steel: "Hey, uh, Pops, Pops, Pops. How about a quick pic? You know, for 'Facebooks' or whatever you old people over-share on. Come on, Mom."
Dot: "Yep. Okay, say 'grandbabies!"
(So I guess you're now out of touch if you use Facebook? Also, Dot says "grandbabies" instead of "cheese" in order to smile for a photo.)
Cards to Save the Timeline!
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=dcs-legends-of-tomorrow-2016&episode=s04e09
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